I'm sorry...I think I misunderstood...I didn't mean to sound like I was making light of your poem (or contestng it, even). I thought you were starting a new thread called "I Believe" and I was just writing down, taking off on your thoughts, what I believe. (And I do think yours has a better 'rhythm' than mine, even if you didn't intend for it to be poetic.)
The difference, I guess, is mainly in the last two lines. (And since I'm not sure what you meant entirely by yours, it may just be a difference in the way we would state it.) I wrote Life is Eternal, only because I see Life and Eternity as two slightly different things noun-wise, and would be more apt to see the second as an adjective that describes the first.
In the last line, I wrote God is Eternal, again, because I don't see God and Eternity (a noun for time) as exactly identical, tho I see eternity as a characteristic of His existence. In other words, I see God as a Person, and eternal as a concept describing Him.
I'm fascinated with concepts like this and with trying to put them into words, so please forgive if I got too much into semantics...