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JoanllyBorikua
06-04-2005, 09:47 AM
This is my first song, when i was like 11, and now i'm 15 so', it was a long time sice i wrote it. I know it's not a good one, and i didn't complete it, but tell me, what do you think?

Lost with no support
I have learned to ignore
what people say about me
No matter how much it hurts
I have learned to say no
To the things that i love
to be more normal than
the strange person i am
Why i'm in this earth?
Why my misery?
Do people really are
much better without me?
Can please somebody tell
How to be more like them?
How to leave who i was
And change who i am?

write4details
06-05-2005, 03:11 AM
Well, I certainly hope you're feeling better.

This line
"Do people really are
much better without me?" has a problem I'm sure you could easily fix.

The thing is songs almost always rhyme. Not always, but generally. I would suggest, since you obviously have reached the point where you want to show this to people, that you spend some time on it. See if you can set it up in rhyme scheme.

That done, think about setting off a repeated chorus.
The lines
"How to leave who i was
And change who i am?"
suggest themselves as a good place to start.

Something like
"How do I leave who I was
And change who I am?
What would I have to do
To change into you?"
Makes a good chorus to break up verses.

There is no need to make every line rhyme. If you don't know how to describe rhyme schemes, ask and English teacher.
Blues use a scheme
of aaba where the first two lines are identical.
You don't need to go aabb or abab The chorus above is abcc
But it helps to have rhyme to "pay off" the listener.

Good luck with this

JoanllyBorikua
06-05-2005, 04:31 AM
Thank you, but actually, i'm not planning to complete the whole song, i just posted it because it was so many years ago, and it was my first song, but any way,thank you again for your help. it will help me for my future projects, ty.

amidsummerswrite
06-14-2005, 07:03 AM
I'd like to hear a recent one. Ya know, just to compare your progress.

JoanllyBorikua
06-17-2005, 02:15 AM
Well, i made this like two months ago. It's not good, i think i didn't improve anything,, but well, this is:
















It was a long way home,

But here I am,


With a lot of things going through my head.


Please, don't feel sad for me


'Cause I promise that I'll be okay,


At least for today.






What a good time we've had.


Happiest days of my life,


But this trip is no longer fun.


The good times are gone,


Like the sun at night.


There's no way we can turn back time.






And things should get better,


But I fear there'll be no 'Friends Forever'






It's the end of the road.


Time to say goodbye.


Itís hard to leave my life behind


And then start over.


A new puzzled to solve.


Many lost pieces to get it done.






And things should get better,


But I fear there'll be no 'Friends Forever'






In our memories the only thing that will remain


Is the way you used to looked at my eyes


And itís okay if you ever feel afraid,


Youíll find another light in the dark.







And things should get better,


But I fear there'll be no 'Friends Forever'






It was a long way home,


But here I am,


With a lot of things going through my head.


Please, don't feel sad for me


'Cause I promise that I'll be okay,


At least for today.

JoanllyBorikua
06-21-2005, 09:07 PM
what do you think?...

Nateskate
06-21-2005, 10:11 PM
Well, i made this like two months ago. It's not good, i think i didn't improve anything,, but well, this is:














It was a long way home,
But here I am,

With a lot of things going through my head.

Please, don't feel sad for me

'Cause I promise that I'll be okay,


At least for today.





What a good time we've had.


Happiest days of my life,


But this trip is no longer fun.


The good times are gone,


Like the sun at night.


There's no way we can turn back time.





And things should get better,


But I fear there'll be no 'Friends Forever'





It's the end of the road.


Time to say goodbye.


Itís hard to leave my life behind


And then start over.


A new puzzled to solve.


Many lost pieces to get it done.





And things should get better,


But I fear there'll be no 'Friends Forever'





In our memories the only thing that will remain


Is the way you used to looked at my eyes


And itís okay if you ever feel afraid,


Youíll find another light in the dark.






And things should get better,


But I fear there'll be no 'Friends Forever'





It was a long way home,


But here I am,


With a lot of things going through my head.


Please, don't feel sad for me


'Cause I promise that I'll be okay,




At least for today.

I can hear music to it, which is a good thing. The words are certainly good enough. This is kind of weird, because when you look at some great songs, the thing that sets them apart is the phrasing. For instance, Paul McCartney saying, in "Hey Jude", "The movement you need is on your shoulder..." is really offbeat. It's not what it says, but what people read into it that makes the words of a song memorable.

At anyrate, I'm hearing a flowing country-like melody, whether or not that's what you had in mind.

JoanllyBorikua
06-22-2005, 01:48 AM
Nateskate, thanks. You are right about what you said of memorable songs. And thank you, ohh and i was thinking of a country sound too.

JoanllyBorikua
06-27-2005, 11:07 PM
I don't know how to name this song, somebody has a suggestion?

Gina_Ritter
08-27-2005, 06:58 AM
Name posibilities:


Sun at Night

At Least for Today

No Friends Forever

Should Get Better

.

Jim Colyer
08-30-2005, 07:30 AM
Very thoughtful for 11 years old.

I write too. Here is one of mine.

LOVE ME JUST A LITTLE http://jimcolyer.com/@tracks/7/lofi.mp3