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mountainwildfire
03-15-2009, 10:47 PM
*grr* I spent like a half-an hour staring at a blinking cursor and trying to think up another way to describe arrows in midflight.

my first scene sort of goes like this:

Silver Tarisan arrows arched toward the sky, and then rained down upon the Gömanians.
They fell, like chess pieces scattered across a floor.

So I need new words to describe flying arrows. . . help?
thankyou . . .

Sarpedon
03-15-2009, 11:22 PM
Hailstones?
Sparks?
confetti?
dandruff?
raindrops?
ashes?
Stock market prices?

MumblingSage
03-16-2009, 01:04 AM
Stock market prices?

I want to write a fantasy parody just to use this.

How about 'scattered playing sticks'? I can just picture them skittering over the ground like macabre pick-up-stix.

RichardB
03-16-2009, 01:11 AM
Silver arrows? Sounds like a goddess dropped the cup that held all of her sewing-needles.

citymouse
03-16-2009, 01:25 AM
Is it the Gömanians scattered on the ground or the arrows. to me? "chess pieces" suggest Gömanians not arrows.

Also I would substitute arched across for toward.

How about Silver Tarisan arrows arched across the sky, and then fell like a friendly rain upon the Gömanians. The result, however, was anything but friendly.
If you've seen a falling arrow it seems to almost waffle as it drops to earth.

If my interpretation of this scene seems clumsy it's because I don't write battle scenes very well.

C

Puma
03-16-2009, 01:32 AM
sailed
soared
flew
lifted
screamed

reached their zenith and then
arced in the sun's parhelion and then
shot like water gliders across a pond

Any help? Puma

mountainwildfire
03-16-2009, 02:35 AM
Is it the Gömanians scattered on the ground or the arrows. to me "chess pieces" suggest Gömanians not arrows.

Also I would substitute arched across for toward.

How about Silver Tarisan arrows arched across the sky, and then fell like a friendly rain upon the Gömanians. The result, however, was anything but friendly.
If you've seen a falling arrow it seems to almost waffle as it drops to earth.

If my interpretation of this scene seems clumsy it's because I don't write battle scenes very well.

C



So it isn't very clear that the Gomanians are what fell like chess pieces?

mountainwildfire
03-16-2009, 02:36 AM
Silver arrows? Sounds like a goddess dropped the cup that held all of her sewing-needles.


That's not exactly how I pictured it. lol.

citymouse
03-16-2009, 03:00 AM
So it isn't very clear that the Gomanians are what fell like chess pieces?

I read it as Gomanians, however, it did read oddly to my eye and I had to read again. My thought was if I had to stop and go over the line a reader might too.
C

mountainwildfire
03-16-2009, 03:05 AM
okay how about . . .
The Gomanians fell like chess pieces scattered across a floor. . .


this is just the first draft so of my entire two pages of junk, this is probably the only paragraph that actually kind of sounds clear lol. . .

citymouse
03-16-2009, 03:26 AM
Sounds good to me.
First drafts make me crazy. When I revisit them I think I should forget writing and take up cat hair macramé! lol
C


okay how about . . .
The Gomanians fell like chess pieces scattered across a floor. . .


this is just the first draft so of my entire two pages of junk, this is probably the only paragraph that actually kind of sounds clear lol. . .

RichardB
03-16-2009, 04:18 PM
And while we're at it, I don't like the scattering chess pieces. Captured chess pieces get placed to the side of the board, standing up. Also does chess exist in your world at this particular time? Think about what we should feel about these guys and how they're dying. Do they all fall down at once? In rows or waves? One by one at random? Is this a glorious thing, a sad thing, or a Klingon opera-sad-glorious thing? Then choose thy metaphor wisely. Metaphors are a device to signal the reader what s/he should feel.

Willowmound
03-17-2009, 02:11 AM
ö

I hope you know how to pronounce that letter. It's not just a pretty o. It's not an o at all, in fact.