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View Full Version : A lesson in how NOT to write description



DeleyanLee
03-13-2009, 03:11 AM
It's an LJ post, but the scanned pages from this Ace Fantasy just boggles my mind:

http://vandonovan.livejournal.com/1088311.html

I could have nightmares from the fanart.

maestrowork
03-13-2009, 03:16 AM
LOL. The first paragraph wasn't all that bad... but then I couldn't get past the second one. I think someone had a fire sale on adjectives!

brokenfingers
03-13-2009, 03:28 AM
Wow!

This is an actual excerpt, faithfully copied as is:


Her pubes was a field of wheat after the harvest, a field neatly furrowed; it was a nest, a pomegranate, an arrowhead, a rune. It was a shadow. It was moss on a smooth stone. There was an orchid within the moss. There was a drop of dew upon the orchid. It had the breath of moss-beds, of the deep seas, of the abyss, of scrimshaw and blue glass, of cold iron; she had the sex of rain forests, the ibis and the scarab; she had the sex of mirrors and candles, of the hot, careful winds that stroke the veldt, the winds that taste of clay and seed and blood; the winds that dreamed of tawny lean animals.

blacbird
03-13-2009, 03:29 AM
Man, this guy is just a-usin' up them words!

Must have taken lessons from mystery guru Ross MacDonald, the grandmaster of the colossally-stretched simile.

caw

scarletpeaches
03-13-2009, 03:36 AM
My faith in my own abilities is renewed.

dolores haze
03-13-2009, 03:37 AM
"Her breasts were like soft, sweet cheese."

*snort*

Those pages just made me feel 500% better about my own struggles with descriptive language. Thank you!

Cyia
03-13-2009, 03:43 AM
Somewhere Gutenberg is regretting the invention of moveable type.

NeuroFizz
03-13-2009, 03:47 AM
Sounds like the person being described needed a good dose of penicillin.

Tepelus
03-13-2009, 03:48 AM
That was the most horrible thing I've ever read...just horrible.:cry:

Darzian
03-13-2009, 03:49 AM
When-was-this-published?

maestrowork
03-13-2009, 03:50 AM
Sweet cheese and scarabs. And winds.... Now I'm hungry.

maestrowork
03-13-2009, 03:51 AM
When-was-this-published?


According to the blog, 1992.

thethinker42
03-13-2009, 04:41 AM
*eyeballs melt*

Viking Horse
03-13-2009, 04:42 AM
I'm not sure how you have a tongue like a ferret or thighs like a schooner, but I must meet the woman who inspired this.

firedrake
03-13-2009, 04:44 AM
bloody hell, that is beyond purple.

Where did I put that mind bleach? :crazy:

maestrowork
03-13-2009, 04:45 AM
*eyeballs melt*

Now that's a good sandwich.

Millicent M'Lady
03-13-2009, 04:47 AM
"Her breasts were like soft, sweet cheese."


Mwah ha ha! Is that referring to the smell or the texture?!

KTC
03-13-2009, 04:47 AM
i'm ascaireded.

maestrowork
03-13-2009, 04:48 AM
Did you see the reviews on its Amazon page?


"Ron Miller is unfairly talented." -- Sir Arthur C Clarke


Seriously?

Toothpaste
03-13-2009, 04:48 AM
I like how after two full pages, of some of the most purple prose I've read along with some of the most nonsensical metaphors ever in existence, that compare this woman to every stunning thing under the sun (and cheese), that deify her beyond anything mortal, that places her on a pedestal so high you can see up her nose, the dude concludes his observation by saying:

"You're quite beautiful."

KTC
03-13-2009, 04:49 AM
I like how after two full pages of some of the most purple prose I've read and nonsensical metaphors, that compare this woman to every stunning thing under the sun (and cheese), that deify her beyond anything mortal, that places her on a pedestal so high you can see up her nose, the dude concludes his observation by saying: "You're quite beautiful."

This was a very purple post.

Toothpaste
03-13-2009, 04:50 AM
The purple-iest.

Toothpaste
03-13-2009, 04:51 AM
Okay just read down a bit farther in the post. Evidently the character rapes her after all this description.

Wonderful.

KTC
03-13-2009, 04:52 AM
Okay just read down a bit farther in the post. Evidently the character rapes her after all this description.

Wonderful.


Wow. He must have been in the mood for cheese?

maestrowork
03-13-2009, 04:54 AM
After this, no wonder he rapes her... yeah, blame it on the victim! ( :eyerolls: )


Her pubes was a field of wheat after the harvest, a field neatly furrowed; it was a nest, a pomegranate, an arrowhead, a rune. It was a shadow. It was moss on a smooth stone. There was an orchid within the moss. There was a drop of dew upon the orchid. It had the breath of moss-beds, of the deep seas, of the abyss, of scrimshaw and blue glass, of cold iron; she had the sex of rain forests, the ibis and the scarab; she had the sex of mirrors and candles, of the hot, careful winds that stroke the veldt, the winds that taste of clay and seed and blood; the winds that dreamed of tawny lean animals.

KTC
03-13-2009, 04:55 AM
After this, no wonder he rapes her... yeah, blame it on the victim! (:eyerolls:)


I just want to see mirrors and candles having sex.

Millicent M'Lady
03-13-2009, 04:56 AM
Did you see the reviews on its Amazon page?




Seriously?

Has to be a typo. Ron Miller is "fairly untalented" sounds about right. Either that or Amazon and the Dairy Board are in cahoots... I smell a big cheesy conspiracy.:Wha:

Pagey's_Girl
03-13-2009, 05:00 AM
I don't feel like such a crappy writer anymore. Maybe just semi-crappy.

And the only thing I ever compared to cheese in a description was the color of a character's car. "It's not red, it's orange. Kind of a Velveeta color."

dgrintalis
03-13-2009, 05:07 AM
Wow, this was really, um, something.

Marian Perera
03-13-2009, 05:14 AM
This reminds me a bit of a review by James Blish, writing as William Atheling, where he quoted a passage that went (paraphrase),


She was love. She was first love, old love, all love. She was fear and ache and hope, fusing now into fury, because she was love.

Matera the Mad
03-13-2009, 05:16 AM
I trust no Amazon page reviews. I've seen some likely sockpuppets at work there, and who's checking the content? That thing is . . . :roll:

Bubastes
03-13-2009, 05:34 AM
I like how after two full pages, of some of the most purple prose I've read along with some of the most nonsensical metaphors ever in existence, that compare this woman to every stunning thing under the sun (and cheese), that deify her beyond anything mortal, that places her on a pedestal so high you can see up her nose, the dude concludes his observation by saying:

"You're quite beautiful."

I think the pedestal was high enough to see up her hoo-ha, hence the "fields of wheat."

I need eye bleach now.

Alan Yee
03-13-2009, 05:35 AM
Wow. That reads like a chapter from Atlanta Nights, with all the bad similies and metaphors.

Soccer Mom
03-13-2009, 06:27 AM
I love the fact that he kisses and licks her all over (even the soles of her feet and small of her back) without breaking eye contact.

Yeah. Ooooooooooooh, she's the rubber woman from the Incredibles. That's why he wants her.

MrWrite
03-13-2009, 06:28 AM
Did you see the reviews on its Amazon page?




Seriously?


I'm sure he meant to say "fairly untalented" which is still a major understatement.

Blimey I thought Tolkien overdescribed things!

dnic
03-13-2009, 06:48 AM
...I want to say that the author put that in there on purpose to see if the readers are still paying enough attention to catch it.

It's the Purple.

blacbird
03-13-2009, 06:53 AM
Wow. That reads like a chapter from Atlanta Nights, with all the bad similies and metaphors.

Just remember, everyone, that this thing got published, by a major SF/Fantasy publisher.

So how do I regard my utter lack of ability to get anything published, in this context? That I'm a lot better than this, and unappreciated? Or that my work is even worse?

caw

StephanieWeippert
03-13-2009, 06:59 AM
OH MY GAWD!!!

I must say, after recovering from the shock that that awful prose, it gives me hope. If *that* can get published, I'll find a publisher for sure.

Toothpaste
03-13-2009, 07:07 AM
Just remember, everyone, that this thing got published, by a major SF/Fantasy publisher.

So how do I regard my utter lack of ability to get anything published, in this context? That I'm a lot better than this, and unappreciated? Or that my work is even worse?

caw

That life is woefully, painfully, unflinchingly unfair.

Can anyone tell I'm having a bad day?

GregB
03-13-2009, 07:09 AM
Yikes. I suspect fantasy isn't his forte, but dude has had a diverse and successful career. His artwork's hanging in the Smithsonian and Pushkin Museum. That ain't bad. No doubt the Clarke quotes are legit.

http://www.black-cat-studios.com/about.html

maestrowork
03-13-2009, 07:10 AM
That life is woefully, painfully, unflinchingly unfair.

Can anyone tell I'm having a bad day?

Don't even start... you may never become unpurple again...

Toothpaste
03-13-2009, 07:12 AM
Don't even start... you may never become unpurple again...

Honey I'm probably the least purple person you know. There ain't nothing purple in my description of life. It's rather unfortunately accurate.

Le sigh.

Ziljon
03-13-2009, 07:13 AM
I think he meant 'pubis' when he wrote 'pubes.'

Other than that, I actually kind of enjoyed it. Sorry.

blacbird
03-13-2009, 07:34 AM
Yikes. I suspect fantasy isn't his forte, but dude has had a diverse and successful career. His artwork's hanging in the Smithsonian and Pushkin Museum. That ain't bad. No doubt the Clarke quotes are legit.

Oh . . . so, wait a minute . . . this guy was already known for other artistic endeavors, of considerable success, before he wrote this tripe? As in, maybe, had connections???.

Nah. That never happens. Agents and publishers and editors only evaluate the merits of the written work submitted. Yeah.

caw

Jstwatchin
03-13-2009, 08:16 AM
This was actually PUBLISHED? By whom? Author's own vanity press?

BiggerBoat
03-13-2009, 08:23 AM
I think one of those hypothetical infinite number of monkeys typed up this crapola while all his buddies were working on Hamlet.

blacbird
03-13-2009, 08:45 AM
This was actually PUBLISHED? By whom? Author's own vanity press?

Scan from an ACE Fantasy book. Major peperback publisher in the Fantasy market.

caw

HelloKiddo
03-13-2009, 10:06 AM
I almost feel bad for the guy. He just got five awful reviews on Amazon based mostly on those two pages.

That said, those pages were certainly very unique.

Very unique.

swvaughn
03-13-2009, 04:08 PM
That said, those pages were certainly very unique.

Very unique.

You can say that again. And again, and again. With different descriptors each time. Again. And yet again. And again.

Yikes. And double yikes.

Mr Flibble
03-13-2009, 04:53 PM
This is the best bit for me:


Volume 1 of this series (BRONWYN: PALACES & PRISONS) won the 2001 Book of the Year Award - Foreword Magazine ForeWord Magazine - Silver Fiction Award: Science Fiction -- Award Note

So was the second book written in the same style as the first? Or was the second a brain fart?

Zipotes
03-13-2009, 05:05 PM
That's five minutes of my life I'll never get back.

Namatu
03-13-2009, 05:23 PM
You're missing the biggest problem with that prose: It's all passive voice. As far as I'm concerned, the cheese reference makes it quite worthwhile, though it could not fully make up for the preponderance of passive voice. I know I'd rather my breasts to be described as hanging like round, soft cheese encased in a svelte rind of dewy tissue than to be mere "weres".

Samantha's_Song
03-13-2009, 05:31 PM
Dang, my hero is really understating the object of his affections when he's thinking of how sexy her body is.
I hope my heroine doesn't read this either, otherwise she's going to think her sexy man doesn't adore her body quite enough :D


Her pubes was a field of wheat after the harvest, a field neatly furrowed; it was a nest, a pomegranate, an arrowhead, a rune. It was a shadow. It was moss on a smooth stone. There was an orchid within the moss. There was a drop of dew upon the orchid. It had the breath of moss-beds, of the deep seas, of the abyss, of scrimshaw and blue glass, of cold iron; she had the sex of rain forests, the ibis and the scarab; she had the sex of mirrors and candles, of the hot, careful winds that stroke the veldt, the winds that taste of clay and seed and blood; the winds that dreamed of tawny lean animals.


Wow!

This is an actual excerpt, faithfully copied as is:

P.S. And if my husband ever likened my tits to cheese, he'd be finding divorce papers on the doormat. :D

Samantha's_Song
03-13-2009, 05:35 PM
Nah, us common old Brits refer to pubic hair as pubes. :tongue


I think he meant 'pubis' when he wrote 'pubes.'

Other than that, I actually kind of enjoyed it. Sorry.

Bubastes
03-13-2009, 05:37 PM
"Her breasts were like soft, sweet cheese."


Mozzarella, brie, or Roquefort?

scarletpeaches
03-13-2009, 05:38 PM
Nah, us common old Brits refer to pubic hair as pubes. :tongue

In which case it would be 'her pubes were', not 'her pubes was'. :tongue

NeuroFizz
03-13-2009, 06:03 PM
I find few good reasons to go into great depth describing someone's pubic hairs, except for how annoying it is when they get stuck between the teeth.

Samantha's_Song
03-13-2009, 06:06 PM
Meh, I was only looking at the pubes though... I nearly said pubs instead of pubes; A mighty fine drinking hole, if I may say so, madame :D


In which case it would be 'her pubes were', not 'her pubes was'. :tongue

Samantha's_Song
03-13-2009, 06:09 PM
Cheaper than dental floss though ;)


I find few good reasons to go into great depth describing someone's pubic hairs, except for how annoying it is when they get stuck between the teeth.

willietheshakes
03-13-2009, 06:12 PM
Cheaper than dental floss though ;)

No. No, it's REALLY not.

LaurieD
03-13-2009, 06:21 PM
Okay, at first I only read the first paragraph before all of the comparisons started to give me a headache, but with all posts referring to body parts being likened to cheese of all things, I had to go back. omg. If this was published, anything can be. :Wha:

BTW: Anyone ever wonder why she bothered to slip off the transparent cloak? I mean if it's transparent...:e2smack:

DeleyanLee
03-13-2009, 06:33 PM
All I can hope is this was published in the Gor vein of Fantasy.

Please don't disillusion me.

Lyra Jean
03-13-2009, 06:34 PM
I found some mind bleach:

http://www.freewebs.com/spomonie/mind_bleach.jpg

Red-Green
03-13-2009, 06:49 PM
I--I--I can think of no words to do justice to this orgy of over-description. I think Ron Miller used them all up, damn him.

Namatu
03-13-2009, 06:54 PM
Mozzarella, brie, or Roquefort?Brie, of course. To accompany the red whatevers of her lips, behind which the ferret is kept.

I may have to print those pages out for future reference when I'm having a down moment and need to laugh my ass off.

tehuti88
03-13-2009, 07:07 PM
"Her navel winked like a doll's eye, like the eye of a whale, like the drowsy cat."

OMFG her belly button is winking at me!! *#$&*!!

But yes, sadly, it's the incorrect verb use in "Her pubes was" that grates on me most. :o

MelodyO
03-13-2009, 07:20 PM
I don't know, I thought it was rather daring and original.

Ha, just kidding. As a writer who has trouble putting together more than two sentences of description in a row, that excerpt damn near sent me into anaphylactic shock. As I read it I didn't want to have sex with that babe so much as dissect her and sell her body parts to a circus. Come and see the eggs of the lonely phoenix for only a buck! (That's her ass, if you were wondering.)

And Spikenard? Worst hero name ever.

wordmonkey
03-13-2009, 07:21 PM
I think one of those hypothetical infinite number of monkeys typed up this crapola while all his buddies were working on Hamlet.

Leave the monkeys out of this. Even they have standards.

CrownedSun
03-13-2009, 07:24 PM
I agree that the pubes bit was bad grammar, but in terms of the authors offenses I think this section is the biggest offense:

"Her ribs were a niche, an alcove, an apse; her stomach was an idol in the niche, alcove or apse,"
It's not just bad grammar with some disagreement of number that makes you flinch a bit, it's just... badly constructed writing. Even the idea he's trying to get across is presented badly. Just reading that causes me physical pain!

maestrowork
03-13-2009, 07:36 PM
I find few good reasons to go into great depth describing someone's pubic hairs, except for how annoying it is when they get stuck between the teeth.

Especially when you're eating soft, sweet cheese.

On a positive note, I do find some of his descriptions imaginative. Orchid within the moss? Now that's quite a visual.

But not two pages of that!

NeuroFizz
03-13-2009, 07:45 PM
Especially when you're eating soft, sweet cheese.

On a positive note, I do find some of his descriptions imaginative. Orchid within the moss? Now that's quite a visual.
But not that much better than a clam in a fright wig.

Ambrosia
03-13-2009, 07:48 PM
bloody hell, that is beyond purple.

Where did I put that mind bleach? :crazy:Ultra-violet to be exact. A little purple seasoning sprinkled here and there entertains me. This caused me temporary blindness.

KTC
03-13-2009, 07:53 PM
No. No, it's REALLY not.

not after you factor in the price of a good merlot.





then again, is there truly a good merlot?

maestrowork
03-13-2009, 08:01 PM
then again, is there truly a good merlot?

Her nipples are like a truly good merlot, the velvet red nectar that goes well with soft, sweet cheese, and the niche within those cheeses, tender and wet and caressing like a moon saturated with virgin blood, or the volcanic rupture on Mars...

KTC
03-13-2009, 08:06 PM
Her nipples are like a truly good merlot, the velvet red nectar that goes well with soft, sweet cheese, and the niche within those cheeses, tender and wet and caressing like a moon saturated with virgin blood, or the volcanic rupture on Mars...

Stop the world. I'm getting off.

Darzian
03-13-2009, 08:09 PM
I simply could not proceed beyond para 2. I'm astonished at the quotes in this thread and shall probably never look up the name of that story.

CrownedSun
03-13-2009, 08:16 PM
I simply could not proceed beyond para 2. I'm astonished at the quotes in this thread and shall probably never look up the name of that story.

You missed the best parts! :D

Viking Horse
03-13-2009, 08:18 PM
BTW: Anyone ever wonder why she bothered to slip off the transparent cloak? I mean if it's transparent...:e2smack:

Heh, I showed this to my brother (one has to share, right?) and he couldn't quite get past that line either. Then, of course, he went back and read the belly button part in a Robert Shaw voice, which was just so perfect for it.

maestrowork
03-13-2009, 08:18 PM
I'm getting off.

It wasn't erotica! Dammit!

KTC
03-13-2009, 08:49 PM
It wasn't erotica! Dammit!


You know I set that up for you, don't you? It was pretty much gift wrapped. What did you get me?

maestrowork
03-13-2009, 08:55 PM
You know I set that up for you, don't you? It was pretty much gift wrapped. What did you get me?

A truly good merlot, an orchid behind moss, and soft, sweet cheese.

Namatu
03-13-2009, 09:03 PM
like a moon saturated with virgin blood, or the volcanic rupture on Mars...Truly inspired, Ray. I can see it so clearly, like virgin blood coursing from a Martian volcanic rupture.

maestrowork
03-13-2009, 09:09 PM
I could have written more, but I ran out of brain juice.

I don't think I'm going to work on my WIP for a few days after this...

Namatu
03-13-2009, 09:36 PM
I could have written more, but I ran out of brain juice.

I don't think I'm going to work on my WIP for a few days after this...The work's stunning brilliance has you bummed, huh? Me too. It makes me bite my ferret with my bracelet of teeth.

Millicent M'Lady
03-13-2009, 11:34 PM
But not that much better than a clam in a fright wig.

:roll:

KikiteNeko
03-13-2009, 11:48 PM
I checked it out on Amazon, all the reviews were 1 star, except for this one


This book is a treasure mine for metaphors such as "her neck was a bottle of wine covered in dew and otters". Yes. Otters. There are also interesting comparisons between the aforementioned young lady's feet and marmosets (i.e New World monkeys). This book might be a literary Hindenburg, but it has made me laugh like few others before. An excellent gag gift.

Fulk
03-13-2009, 11:59 PM
I lack the words to describe just how much I love this thread.

KikiteNeko
03-14-2009, 12:01 AM
"Her breasts were honeycombs and dew-beaded windows, or soft, sweet cheese."

Oh my. How raunchy.

"They were sweet apples; they were glass; they were cowries. They were the twin moons of the earth."

What a lovely image: two giant boobs orbiting the earth.

MelodyO
03-14-2009, 01:01 AM
I lack the words to describe just how much I love this thread.

Keep in mind that "snail made with shells of tears" has already been used, so that's right out. Heeeeeee.

blacbird
03-14-2009, 01:05 AM
What a lovely image: two giant boobs orbiting the earth.

Works for me. Better than being mooned.

caw

icerose
03-14-2009, 01:21 AM
Title & Author of the book is "Silk and Steel" by Ron Miller. (My copy was published in 1992 by "Ace Fantasy" but it appears it was reissued by a vanity press later, which is the version the Amazon link goes to. I don't know if it's been editted.) (Oh, hey, only now do I realize it's actually a sequel to another book I've never read. Well, I'm not going to now, that's for sure.)


This is a good explanation. It was published 17 years ago, it was a sequel to an award winning book (Though you think they would have stipulated all that purple would be properly chopped.) and looks like it was very quickly shelved and had to be put out by a vanity to give it further life.

williemeikle
03-14-2009, 01:29 AM
Some people obviously like his writing style

From his Wiki entry
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ron_Miller_(artist_and_author)


His book The Art of Chesley Bonestell received a Hugo Award in 2002; other books have received awards, including a Silver Award for best fiction from ForeWord magazine and the Violet Crown Award from the Writers' League of Texas. His Worlds Beyond series received the American Institute of Physics Award of Excellence. The Grand Tour, has gone through three editions, multiple printings, several translations, was a Hugo Award nominee and has sold over 250,000 copies. It was also a twice a Book-of-the-Month feature selection. Other books have been selections of the Science, Quality Paperback and Science Fiction Book Clubs

KikiteNeko
03-14-2009, 01:44 AM
Some people obviously like his writing style


Naturally. My love for his writing style is a flaming bag of dog vomit, or a parachute spun from whale semen and porcupine needles, or grains of salt extracted from the mouth of an angry clam; it is a cockleshell cradling infants and orbiting venus. In the moonlight it is a sheen of mermaid tears that have hardened to crystalized kidney stones, and I cry them through eyes that smell of the ocean air in the desert snow. I shared his passages (which felt like jasmine clouds) with some friends, and their passion and enthrallment was like honeydew banana peels that had been picked from a field of corpses hung up on a laundry line of steel magnolias.

firedrake
03-14-2009, 01:49 AM
Naturally. My love for his writing style is a flaming bag of dog vomit, or a parachute spun from whale semen and porcupine needles, or grains of salt extracted from the mouth of an angry clam; it is a cockleshell cradling infants and orbiting venus. In the moonlight it is a sheen of mermaid tears that have hardened to crystalized kidney stones, and I cry them through eyes that smell of the ocean air in the desert snow. I shared his passages (which felt like jasmine clouds) with some friends, and their passion and enthrallment was like honeydew banana peels that had been picked from a field of corpses hung up on a laundry line of steel magnolias.

*wipes water off monitor and keyboard*

maestrowork
03-14-2009, 01:50 AM
250,000 copies. There are more people who love purple prose than I thought. Maybe there's still hope for me.

KikiteNeko
03-14-2009, 01:56 AM
250,000 copies. There are more people who love purple prose than I thought. Maybe there's still hope for me.

250,000 copies were sold? Was it self published? Who bought them? Can we rely on the source of this information? I'm not arguing, I genuinely want to know. There are 6 reviews on amazon, none of which even proclaiming him as good. The one 5 star was praising what a great gag gift the book would make.

KikiteNeko
03-14-2009, 01:57 AM
*wipes water off monitor and keyboard*

Don't go stealing my brilliance.

swpauthor
03-14-2009, 02:23 AM
If this tripe got published, maybe there is hope out there for me after all....

icerose
03-14-2009, 03:03 AM
250,000 copies were sold? Was it self published? Who bought them? Can we rely on the source of this information? I'm not arguing, I genuinely want to know. There are 6 reviews on amazon, none of which even proclaiming him as good. The one 5 star was praising what a great gag gift the book would make.

My guess is the 250,000 copies sold were mainly people who had bought the first award winning book and were expecting an amazing follow up to match the first. My guess is it didn't go any further than 250,000 because the vast marjority of those books hit the wall before THE END.

Bartholomew
03-14-2009, 03:13 AM
Wow!

This is an actual excerpt, faithfully copied as is:

I see the subject - verb agreement error, and I cannot go further.

Samantha's_Song
03-14-2009, 03:26 AM
Sighing with astonishment. Ya know, I've heard of a certain female part of the anatomy as being referred to as a beaver, but otters on a female body too? I'm flabbergasted. Maybe she just had weird-shaped earrings dangling down her bottle neck? :Shrug:


This book is a treasure mine for metaphors such as "her neck was a bottle of wine covered in dew and otters". Yes. Otters. There are also interesting comparisons between the aforementioned young lady's feet and marmosets (i.e New World monkeys). This book might be a literary Hindenburg, but it has made me laugh like few others before. An excellent gag gift.

KikiteNeko
03-14-2009, 03:33 AM
Sighing with astonishment. Ya know, I've heard of a certain female part of the anatomy as being referred to as a beaver, but otters on a female body too? I'm flabbergasted. Maybe she just had weird-shaped earrings dangling down her bottle neck? :Shrug:

I don't claim to know what men like in a woman, but I fail to see how a man would want a girl with beavers and otters running around in her pubicals.

Darzian
03-14-2009, 03:40 AM
:roll::roll::roll:

I don't want this thread to end!

Pagey's_Girl
03-14-2009, 03:55 AM
Don't forget the ferrets. At least, I think there were ferrets involved somewhere.

And if any guy compared my boobs to cheese, I'd be introducing my boot to his crotch...

maestrowork
03-14-2009, 04:00 AM
We need to come up with a two-page metaphor-laden descriptions of the male anatomy.

thethinker42
03-14-2009, 04:04 AM
We need to come up with a two-page metaphor-laden descriptions of the male anatomy.

Give scarletpeaches and me a couple of hours.

You'll have your two pages.

dolores haze
03-14-2009, 04:08 AM
Heh. I'll be back in a couple of hours...with a couple of stiff drinks lined up.

KikiteNeko
03-14-2009, 04:10 AM
Don't forget the ferrets. At least, I think there were ferrets involved somewhere.

And if any guy compared my boobs to cheese, I'd be introducing my boot to his crotch...

I hope her beaver crotch and her cheese boobs never meet. We'll have a serious self-cannibalism problem.

Samantha's_Song
03-14-2009, 04:16 AM
Yeah, most people just call them crabs and be done with it :D


I don't claim to know what men like in a woman, but I fail to see how a man would want a girl with beavers and otters running around in her pubicals.

KikiteNeko
03-14-2009, 04:26 AM
We need to come up with a two-page metaphor-laden descriptions of the male anatomy.

... Well how about--

Nah. Too easy.

thethinker42
03-14-2009, 05:21 AM
This was actually painful. You people don't know the things I do to entertain you...

***

Professor Purple swooped into the room in nothing but a towel, and a second later, the towel was gone, having snagged on the doorknob and rendering him naked. His nakedness was bare, vulnerable, unclothed, and magnificent in its masculine manliness, like the perfect artist’s rendering of a naked man. Like he was sculpted out of something as perfect as marble, but perhaps not as cold and rocklike. Maybe something rather soft, like cheese.

His shoulders were broad. Broad like a bridge, a continent, like the load on a truck that has a sign proclaiming “wide load”. Like the biggest piece of cheese you’ve ever seen, but solid. Atlas-like. Solid like a tree, like a cement pillar. If Atlas were a cement tree, with branches such as these, he would have easily supported the weight of the world and then some.

His chest was only slightly less broad than his magnificent shoulders, and emphasized by perfect breasts, their triangular shape almost resembling that of slightly flat pyramids, pyramids made of flawless, hard cheese, with capstones resembling tiny pink cranberries, pencil erasers, the pink penicillin pills, miniature likenesses of penis heads.

His skin was the color of perfectly aged cheese, but not that jaundiced yellow of cheddar or the zombielike pallor of Havarti, but somewhere in between. It glistened, it shimmered, it dazzled, and yes, by God, it sparkled. It was like soft leather, smooth marble, the perfectly smooth surface of a ballpark hot dog before it’s been cooked.

Holding up all of this magnificence were the largest feet I’d ever seen. Big feet, gigantic feet, the kind of feet that say a lot about a man’s “size” except that he was naked so I could already see his size, making the statement made by his gargantuan feet somewhat redundant, yet still there they were, emphasizing what I already knew, and they had that mouthwatering scent of cheese coming from between his long, thick toes.

Above his feet were two legs like tree trunks, like cement pillars, like a pair of beer cans that you’d have to dent in order to crush because they were that solid, like twin sticks of dynamite whose fuses had been twisted together and curled over to form the penis that now penetrated my concentration. At the moment, it was flaccid like a wilted flower stem, a spaghetti noodle that is perfectly al dente, a coiled snake ready to strike but not yet agitated enough to do so, but by the look in his eyes, it wouldn’t be long before it was straight like an uncooked spaghetti noodle, ready to be sent into the heat until it was again al dente. In mere moments, it would be at attention like a soldier in formation, poised like the snake who is now ready to strike, twitching like an excited ferret looking for trouble, upright like the tail of a hunting dog that’s pointing, throbbing like a thumb that’s been stuck in a slamming door. It was a banana, a cucumber, a zucchini, a phallic piece of cheese. Like the tail of a monkey. A naughty monkey. A monkey that needed to be spanked.

And behind this glory, hanging in their sack like an old lady’s braless breasts, swinging shamelessly in the wind, were the rest of his manbits. Swaying like a pendulum, like a pair of wrecking balls, like little snack-sized globes of cheese hanging in bags next to the dairy section.

Eventually I wrenched my gaze away from the center of his glory and looked at his face. His neck was thick, perfectly suited to hold up his godlike head, his perfect head, his face that was carved out of the same cheesy marble as the rest of his body. His jaw was angular, like a wedge of cheese, like a carjack, like an upside down and inverted version of his nose, which was similarly angular.

His hair was flaxen in color, like maize, with a hint of gold amidst the shimmering yellow. It was fluffy. It was silky. It puffed above his head into a perfect round orb, a golden globe, a golden orb of blond wiggery, had it been a wig, but it wasn’t, it was natural. His own. Given him by his very DNA. It was orblike in its orb shape, goldlike in its goldenness.

But it couldn’t have been his natural hair color, not with the blackness of his ebony-black eyebrows, which were dark like the blackest blackness that was ever made black by a child’s black crayon on black construction paper. Thick lines of straight black hairs, like a patch of evergreen trees after a forest fire in which they lost all of their limbs to the scorching heat and are nothing but perfectly erect, black sticks clumped together and forming the shape of a man’s eyebrow, an eyebrow much like the pair furrowing on this man’s brow, betraying the golden color of his hair, which he claimed was his own.

And then his eyes. They were dark orbs of the darkest fire, his gaze smoldering hot like ashes after a forest fire, like a volcano that was no longer dormant, like a pair of burning coals, like the twin burners on an electric stove, like the glowing embers of charcoal in a grill because the cook wouldn’t dare cook with propane. They pierced me, penetrated me, saw right through me, but somehow still managed to see me even while looking through me.

He was hot. Hot as the fires of hell, as a Fabio-like man on the cover of a steamy romance novel, like the steam that comes off of boiling water and scalds your arm when you take the lid off too quickly, hot like wasabi when I bust rhymes, like the armpit of a junior high linebacker after a second down.

And then he looked at me, focusing those twin orbs of painfully dark, hotness on me, and said in a voice that was made of silk, of ice, of wood, of cheese, of glitter, of okra:

“Did someone order a pizza?”

maestrowork
03-14-2009, 05:43 AM
Suddenly I have a craving for double cheeseburgers.

Toothpaste
03-14-2009, 06:07 AM
Mmmmm . . . cheese . . .

(that was fantastic thinker!)

maxmordon
03-14-2009, 06:31 AM
Wow!

This is an actual excerpt, faithfully copied as is:

Who suspects the writer never had seen a naked woman in his life?

KikiteNeko
03-14-2009, 06:36 AM
Who suspects the writer never had seen a naked woman in his life?

Who needs naked ladies when you've got twin moons, cheese, beavers and shadow pubes?

This guy is like the Bjork of fiction.

thethinker42
03-14-2009, 06:44 AM
Who suspects the writer never had seen a naked woman in his life?

Maybe he once sculpted one out of cheese.

Shamrockgreen
03-14-2009, 06:46 AM
"Her breasts were like soft, sweet cheese."

*snort*

Those pages just made me feel 500% better about my own struggles with descriptive language. Thank you!

LOL maybe the poor guy was hungry when he wrote this...

firedrake
03-14-2009, 06:51 AM
I used to like cheese.

Not any more.

I'm totally over it.

Loved your piece, Thinker. :D

Kaiser-Kun
03-14-2009, 07:06 AM
You know something? This writing lacks onomatopeys.

P.S. Hmm, cheeseboobs. I want a kaiserburger now.

swpauthor
03-14-2009, 07:15 AM
Oh...gasp...

That's all I have to say:roll::roll::roll::roll:

Virector
03-14-2009, 07:19 AM
Wow. That's a horrible read.

NeuroFizz
03-14-2009, 07:34 AM
We need to come up with a two-page metaphor-laden descriptions of the male anatomy.
Naw, with all of that purple, it begs for poetry:

To Helmets

Of casque and morion
trumpeted proud
and flared to purple
escapes the shroud

But the sallet’s pteruge
to protect the neck
flipped over top
subdues the deck

Oh, helmet shine
when meant divine
will rise and pine
to intertwine

And other times
when put away
will rest up for
next’s peeking fray

KikiteNeko
03-14-2009, 07:40 AM
If I could find this book at a garage sale price, I have to admit I'd buy it for the laughs.

tehuti88
03-14-2009, 08:04 AM
"her neck was a bottle of wine covered in dew and otters"

OMG. It's like reading one big giant schizophrenic hallucination. Fascinating.

Seriously, if you excerpted this in an abnormal psychology textbook, it'd fit right in. And would probably make a lot more sense as that than as literature.

*remembers reading abnormal psychology textbook excerpts that made more sense*

TedTheewen
03-14-2009, 08:16 AM
I want to meet the editor and publisher who let this stuff slide by them. I seriously want to know why something this bad was published.

I don't understand the purple joke, so if somebody could PM me and clue me in, I was appreciate it.

And for the record, I once addressed a girl as "cheese tits" and she got mad at me. However, I would like to meet the woman he was thinking of as he wrote this nonsense.

As I read that mess, I kept thinking of somebody attempting to imitate Walt Whitman and failing when the images needed to be wrapped up somehow. Instead, it's just garbage. Maybe a hack writer of goofy crap like me has a chance after all?

KikiteNeko
03-14-2009, 08:25 AM
I want to meet the editor and publisher who let this stuff slide by them. I seriously want to know why something this bad was published.

I don't understand the purple joke, so if somebody could PM me and clue me in, I was appreciate it.

And for the record, I once addressed a girl as "cheese tits" and she got mad at me. However, I would like to meet the woman he was thinking of as he wrote this nonsense.

As I read that mess, I kept thinking of somebody attempting to imitate Walt Whitman and failing when the images needed to be wrapped up somehow. Instead, it's just garbage. Maybe a hack writer of goofy crap like me has a chance after all?

This article explains purple prose better than I could: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Purple_prose

Someone one referred to my breasts as "two mounds of cookie dough with little diamonds at the top" (He hadn't seen them at the time he said this, and thanks to that, never did). For several years it remained the most bizarre description of breasts I'd ever heard. Enter this thread.

HelloKiddo
03-14-2009, 08:59 AM
What truly makes this great is that after reading a two-page description of this woman I still don't have the slightest mental image of what she looks like. None at all.

We all rag on people for describing hair and eye color and other such stupid traits, but at least those make sense. We can in fact see the picture the author is drawing for us (however needless it is).

...although I did have fun trying to mentally picture a woman with a face that smelled of a gibbous moon, a ferret for a tongue, thighs that were geese, and a naval like a drowsy cat.

KikiteNeko
03-14-2009, 09:37 AM
What truly makes this great is that after reading a two-page description of this woman I still don't have the slightest mental image of what she looks like. None at all.

We all rag on people for describing hair and eye color and other such stupid traits, but at least those make sense. We can in fact see the picture the author is drawing for us (however needless it is).

...although I did have fun trying to mentally picture a woman with a face that smelled of a gibbous moon, a ferret for a tongue, thighs that were geese, and a naval like a drowsy cat.

Duh, her eyes smell like the moon and her breasts feel like four different sweet cheeses, and her neck is like otters. What's unclear about that?

maestrowork
03-14-2009, 12:05 PM
Duh, her eyes smell like the moon and her breasts feel like four different sweet cheeses...


Mmmmmm....pizza.

Any woman who reminds me of pizza gets my vote.

thethinker42
03-14-2009, 12:22 PM
Mmmmmm....pizza.

Any woman who reminds me of pizza gets my vote.


*shuts up before she gets banned*

Samantha's_Song
03-14-2009, 01:26 PM
I'd always had my suspicions that food was more of a turn on for you men than us women are :tongue :D


Mmmmmm....pizza.

Any woman who reminds me of pizza gets my vote.

tehuti88
03-14-2009, 05:47 PM
I want to meet the editor and publisher who let this stuff slide by them. I seriously want to know why something this bad was published.

I just want to know what was going through the writer's mind when he came up with this stuff. Otters on her neck and a winking belly button! Was he on some sort of drug, or was he truly hallucinating to come up with all this? I can't even dream up stuff like this, and believe me, I've dreamed some weird ones.

Maybe I'm strange but I'd love to see the mental process that went into the creation of these descriptions. Just out of a morbid curiosity.

thethinker42
03-14-2009, 06:02 PM
Maybe I'm strange but I'd love to see the mental process that went into the creation of these descriptions. Just out of a morbid curiosity.

I gave it a whirl earlier today to write what I posted earlier in this thread. I'm reasonably certain that it's going to require the combined services of psychotherapists, endocrinologists, and doctor fish to repair the damage that merry jaunt down "loopy lane" has done to my fragile little brain. I was already teetering on the brink of insanity as it was...and I still don't think I made it quite as far into the realms of batshittery as this author did.

So...I think I can say with some credibility that no, you don't want to see the mental process that resulted in that. The damage is done to me. Save yourself, gentle writer, SAVE YOURSELF!!!

Fulk
03-14-2009, 08:42 PM
Mmmmmm....pizza.

Any woman who reminds me of pizza gets my vote.

But wouldn't a pizza-woman be round and greasy?

Karen Duvall
03-14-2009, 09:07 PM
It's like really bad Beatnik poetry. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bVOXxDV5BdI) Is there such thing as good Beatnik poetry?

scarletpeaches
03-14-2009, 09:56 PM
Mmmmmm....pizza.

Any woman who reminds me of pizza gets my vote.


[insert your own anchovies punchline here]

MrWrite
03-14-2009, 10:00 PM
[insert your own anchovies punchline here]


Think I'll skip it...too fishy for me :tongue

maestrowork
03-14-2009, 10:22 PM
Her nipples are like pepperoni, on top of the soft, sweet cheese, and lots of mushroom, certainly to make my Italian sausage sing.

Nivarion
03-14-2009, 11:41 PM
department of redundancy department.

shouldn't say everything five or six times like that on the same page, ever.

Andrew Jameson
03-14-2009, 11:41 PM
Her nipples are like pepperoni, on top of the soft, sweet cheese, and lots of mushroom, certainly to make my Italian sausage sing.Amateur.

As Spikenard watched, Dominelle slipped the square boxy flat cornered garment from her shoulders; it fell with a gentle clatter. This is what he saw:

Dominelle's face was the color of a perfectly baked crust glowing in the ruddy light of a wood-fired oven, flecked here and there with a stray bit of sage or a pepper seed. It sang to him, wheat flour, yeast, and water in a symphonic crescendo. Her hair had the sheen of glistening cheese, vibrant even when still, waiting to elongate into luscious strings when lovingly seperated. It was just the color that told of the perfect temperature, tawny brown and gold. It was fragrant. It was mozzerella, feta, brick chedder.

Her eyes were olives, sometimes green, sometimes black. They were salty sweet, hidden under the sweep of her mozzerella hair. Her lips were a crush of sauce made spicy by the red pepper flake of a mole near their corner. It was a Roma sauce, fresh-made, never canned. They rang of basil and garlic and oregano and some secret ingredient known only to the chef, his mother, and the village priest.

I could go on, of course, but you get the picture.

swpauthor
03-15-2009, 12:32 AM
Blimey...I do believe we've defined a whole new genre...

What shall we call it, I wonder?

scarletpeaches
03-15-2009, 12:33 AM
Pizza porn?

DennyCrane
03-15-2009, 12:53 AM
I set my discerning, brown eyes upon the prolific, descriptive prose and wavered, unable to sustain my gaze upon its luminescence. Endless flights of words, wrapped in metaphor and analogy, beckoned me to continue, but my will diminished, my sense and sensibilities too feeble to sustain in light of such forceful and powerful application of technique.

Or, in other words:

I tried to read past the first paragraph, but it was crap. So, I quit.

Tepelus
03-15-2009, 05:10 AM
Ha! Doing some research on lavender and I found this:

"Lavender is mentioned often in the Bible, not by the name lavender but rather by the name used at that time--spikenard (from the Greek name for lavender, naardus, after the Syrian city Naarda)."

So, that is how the author of those lovely two pages of description came up with that name, I am presuming.

KikiteNeko
03-15-2009, 06:06 AM
Ha! Doing some research on lavender and I found this:

"Lavender is mentioned often in the Bible, not by the name lavender but rather by the name used at that time--spikenard (from the Greek name for lavender, naardus, after the Syrian city Naarda)."

So, that is how the author of those lovely two pages of description came up with that name, I am presuming.

The author has an extensive vocabulary; I'll give him that.

I'd love to get into a petty argument with him just for the name calling.

"Well, your behavior is like a petulant octopus with glass rings of saturn, who is a dandelion puff on the back of an angry tuna! And this relationship is over!"

CoriSCapnSkip
03-15-2009, 09:35 AM
That was the most horrible thing I've ever read...just horrible.:cry:

Okay, now the fact that this was published is what's really horrible.

Someone's finger stuck on the silly simile button for sure.

TedTheewen
03-15-2009, 10:55 AM
I've described woman as food before. It was regarding women as something to be consumed.

I found the descriptions almost surreal. Was the book itself a piece of surreal fiction?

Samantha's_Song
03-15-2009, 12:04 PM
So have I. My character told her husband he was about to have a Samantha's happy meal. Well, she had to taste better than McD's anyway :D


I've described woman as food before.

Men do equate food to porn; I know my husband does, because he once told me I tasted like doughnuts. :D

NeuroFizz
03-15-2009, 07:06 PM
Men do equate food to porn; I know my husband does, because he once told me I tasted like doughnuts.
Appreciating food is not just about the flavor, it's about the texture as well...

tehuti88
03-15-2009, 07:06 PM
I gave it a whirl earlier today to write what I posted earlier in this thread. I'm reasonably certain that it's going to require the combined services of psychotherapists, endocrinologists, and doctor fish to repair the damage that merry jaunt down "loopy lane" has done to my fragile little brain. I was already teetering on the brink of insanity as it was...and I still don't think I made it quite as far into the realms of batshittery as this author did.

So...I think I can say with some credibility that no, you don't want to see the mental process that resulted in that. The damage is done to me. Save yourself, gentle writer, SAVE YOURSELF!!!

Ah, but you see, that's the difference. :D You were striving hard to come up with a sort of parody, whereas the original author, I'm fairly certain he was dead serious. At least, I hope he was, or he really pulled one over on everybody.

What sort of mind pictures things like dewdrops and otters on a woman's wine bottle neck, or envisions whale eyes or doll eyes or cat eyes winking from her navel? And describes it in all seriousness? IMO, either somebody on drugs, somebody who's severely deranged, or, as someone just mentioned, a surrealist. And even a surrealist might not be able to pull off things such as this book.

If I tried writing a whole book in the style the excerpts were written, I think I would die of exhaustion from trying so hard to be so bad. Another reason why I think the writer must have been serious. It's almost like he didn't even have to try. The badness just came naturally.

Just my meandering thoughts on the matter. I still wonder how his brain created such bizarre images.

fancie
03-15-2009, 07:35 PM
Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!!!!!

TOOOOO Funny!!

fancie
03-15-2009, 07:38 PM
This is just.........no words.....I'm at a loss!!!!:ROFL:

KikiteNeko
03-15-2009, 08:48 PM
And even a surrealist might not be able to pull off things such as this book.


I'm not sure I've ever read surrealist literature. Does anyone know of any non-suckular surrealist books, so we could compare it to this?

Surrealism is fine by me, but this guy takes two pages just to describe a girl. And the book is, what, 200 pages long? It must be an exhausting read, in which very little happens.

Namatu
03-15-2009, 09:02 PM
I'm not sure I've ever read surrealist literature. Does anyone know of any non-suckular surrealist books, so we could compare it to this?I don't know of any, but even Salvador Dali couldn't paint a woman with all the accoutrements of this one.

maestrowork
03-15-2009, 09:04 PM
I don't know of any, but even Salvador Dali couldn't paint a woman with all the accoutrements of this one.

Picasso might have painted her with pizza breasts and orchid in the moss... but yeah, I doubt he would have done these two pages justice either....

priceless1
03-15-2009, 09:28 PM
"Her hair was a helmet."

He says this like it's a good thing.

How do I unsee this?

KikiteNeko
03-15-2009, 09:41 PM
"Her hair was a helmet."

He says this like it's a good thing.

How do I unsee this?

You read it. You can't un-read it.

Samantha's_Song
03-15-2009, 11:12 PM
I suppose I should just be glad that he didn't say I tasted like a rock cake then? ;)


Appreciating food is not just about the flavor, it's about the texture as well...

Namatu
03-15-2009, 11:56 PM
Awesome! Please do share.

chrysalnix
03-16-2009, 01:10 AM
I think we’re being overly harsh here.

I’ve always heard turning cartwheels while otters cling desperately to your neck is a very difficult thing to master. But she did it...even though her thighs were geese and her buttocks were freshly baked loaves.

Wait…don’t geese eat bread? Ouch…..

SFLP
03-16-2009, 01:27 AM
I read the excerpt to my husband. He said "We need meds! Stat!"

J.

Pagey's_Girl
03-16-2009, 04:14 AM
"Her hair was a helmet."

He says this like it's a good thing.

I've used that description for one character's hair, but she needs to be enrolled in a 12-Step Hairspray Reduction Program. It's rumored she's solely behind the demise of the ozone layer.

I will confess to using the phrase "like phosphorescence on a dark sea" to describe one female character's hair once - she was a dark brunette whose hair was starting to go prematurely silver. It seemed like a good idea at the time...

SFLP
03-16-2009, 04:21 AM
I will confess to using the phrase "like phosphorescence on a dark sea"

As long as you didn't follow it up with "; it was the molten silver of a new and shining John Deere engine casing; it was as melted butter on a shining purple eggplant; the burnished finish of housekeys, the trim of my license plate frame..." I think you're OK.

J.

Pagey's_Girl
03-16-2009, 04:30 AM
As long as you didn't follow it up with "; it was the molten silver of a new and shining John Deere engine casing; it was as melted butter on a shining purple eggplant; the burnished finish of housekeys, the trim of my license plate frame..." I think you're OK.

J.

:roll:

"It was the sparkle of newly minted dimes, the gleam of worms upon the sidewalk after a rain. It was car lights bleeding into a wet road at midnight in the rain. It was the silver gleam of a zipper residing upon a deep aubergine handbag of glossy faux eggplant-colored patent leather..."

(That purse is mine, BTW, although I usually just describe it as "purple.")

KikiteNeko
03-16-2009, 04:48 AM
:roll:

"It was the sparkle of newly minted dimes, the gleam of worms upon the sidewalk after a rain. It was car lights bleeding into a wet road at midnight in the rain. It was the silver gleam of a zipper residing upon a deep aubergine handbag of glossy faux eggplant-colored patent leather..."

(That purse is mine, BTW, although I usually just describe it as "purple.")

Eggplant purple?

Snowstorm
03-16-2009, 06:14 AM
Maybe the publisher wanted to join the immortalized ranks of "It was a dark and stormy night ...."

Pagey's_Girl
03-16-2009, 06:19 AM
Eggplant purple?

Nah, just purple. :)

Come to think of it, A Wrinkle In Time starts with the words "It was a dark and stormy night..." That book, however, ROCKS.
ETA: Even without comparing any part of anyone's anatomy to cheese....

marie2
03-16-2009, 07:52 AM
That was a horrible thing to read (my eyes are still bleeding) but this thread made it worthwhile! ;)

MelodyO
03-16-2009, 08:02 AM
As my friend said to me after reading it:


You are a noun, and another similar noun, and a third noun completely unrelated to the first two nouns. You are so sexy I am reduced to comparing you to many, many non-erotic nouns. You are also an adjective, and part of a noun, and some more nouns, and you verb like a normally verbless ajective-noun to which I have assigned a random verb quality.

*verbs*

I, of course, love her deeply.

MargueriteMing
03-16-2009, 02:57 PM
Makes you wonder just how bad all those other MS are that get rejected.

DaddyCat
03-16-2009, 06:03 PM
I'm guessing the author's favorite book of the Bible is the Song of Solomon.

P.S.
This thread is greatness-coated greatness with greatness filling. In fact, if Absolute Write had never been created, it would be necessary to create it just so this thread could exist. The sticky-worthiness of it is right off the scale.

tehuti88
03-16-2009, 06:56 PM
Maybe the publisher wanted to join the immortalized ranks of "It was a dark and stormy night ...."

That thought, too, crossed my brain. Though this is, like, an entire book, and not just a really bad first sentence. O_o

When more excerpts are shared, can the first sentence/paragraph be among them? I want to see how it lives up to the rest. :D

Namatu
03-16-2009, 08:40 PM
When more excerpts are shared, can the first sentence/paragraph be among them? I want to see how it lives up to the rest. :DI, too, am curious. How do you begin a work of such magnificent, inappropriate adjectival, magnifitude?

maestrowork
03-16-2009, 08:58 PM
I, too, am curious. How do you begin a work of such magnificent, inappropriate adjectival, magnifitude?

Once you let your mind go where it shouldn't... you'd be surprised what it can do. It's a very scary place.

Sweetleaf
03-16-2009, 09:24 PM
I just came across this thread. Good Lord. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

How the hell did they get that published? I want the name of his publisher / editor!

It's books like that that make me think 'if they'll publish that crap, then I can do way better!'

Namatu
03-17-2009, 03:45 AM
How the hell did they get that published? I want the name of his publisher / editor!Everyone involved was high on drugs.

Alan Yee
03-17-2009, 04:00 AM
I'm sorry to say that Ace was the publisher of this book. I've read and enjoyed a lot of other Ace books.

SPMiller
03-17-2009, 01:37 PM
This thread is epic.

When I learned Ace published that novel, I decided it had to be a gag book. You know, like Atlanta Nights. No other explanation makes sense.

CoriSCapnSkip
03-20-2009, 01:42 PM
Naked Came the Stranger was written as a total gag and enjoyed huge success.

Elidibus
03-22-2009, 06:45 AM
Wow...

Suddenly, I am renewed in my own editing endeavors.

Still, I like the part where he said the woman's booty was fresh baked loaves, eggs from a phoenix and a fist.

Still trying to figure out the fist part...

KikiteNeko
03-22-2009, 06:52 AM
I can't wait 'til I get this book in the mail....

Soccer Mom
03-23-2009, 12:38 AM
Color me jealous, Tomo. I want to read it. Just cause...

You must come back to this thread and share the goodness/badness of it all.

KikiteNeko
03-23-2009, 01:25 AM
Color me jealous, Tomo. I want to read it. Just cause...

You must come back to this thread and share the goodness/badness of it all.

There will be quotes. Oh, there will be quotes.

KikiteNeko
03-24-2009, 05:18 PM
GUYS.

The book came today. It's ILLUSTRATED!

...nearly two weeks ago, she realized with a jolt to her sense of duration. It seemed as though it ought to have been less--yet felt longer. Or perhaps vice versa--she was no longer able to tell.

The Princess' full name is Princess Bronwyn Tedeschitty.

Schitty is right.

KikiteNeko
03-24-2009, 05:38 PM
I know this is already in the scan the OP posted but I feel it deserves repeating:



Her legs were quills. They were bundles of wicker, they were candelabra; the muscles were summer lighting, that flickered like a passing thought; they were captured eels or a cable on a windlass. Her thighs were geese, pythons, schooners. They were cypress or banyan; her thighs were a forge, they were shears; her thighs were sandstone, they were the sandstone of buttresses of a cathedral, they were silk or cobwebs. Her calves were sweet with the sap of elders, her feet were bleached bone, her feet were driftwood. Her feet were springs, marmosets or locusts; her toes were snails, they were snails with shells of tears.

Her arms were a corral, a fence, an enclosure; they were pennants; they were highways. Her fingers were incense. They were silver fish in clear water; they were the speed of fish, they were the fish's wake. They were semaphores; they were meteors. Her spine was a snake. It was the track of a snake. It was the groove the water snake makes

Yeah, I'm gonna stop there. I only meant to share the one sentence, but each sentence was slightly more hilarious than the last and I just kept going.

Namatu
03-24-2009, 05:50 PM
I am so very excited that you now have this book, tomo. :hooray:

tehuti88
03-24-2009, 07:37 PM
The Princess' full name is Princess Bronwyn Tedeschitty.

:roll:

Snail toes!!

What's the first sentence, what's the first sentence? Is it any good? ("Good"? Boy that came out wrong. :ROFL: )

KikiteNeko
03-24-2009, 07:44 PM
What's the first sentence, what's the first sentence? Is it any good? ("Good"? Boy that came out wrong. :ROFL: )

First sentence:


King Felix of Londeac was so startled by the unexpected appearance of his young niece, the Princess Bronwyn Tedeschitty, that he had an attack of asthma hat rendered him bedridden for nearly two days.

But my favorite is the ending:



They raised their glasses and let the rims touch gently; Bronwyn with a smile grim in its artificiality, listened to the treble clink with much the same solidification of her head as if she had just heard a prison door slam shut. "To us!" toasted Wittenoom. "We three are taking with us all the best of art, science and industry. With that we can do anything!"

tehuti88
03-24-2009, 07:49 PM
King Felix of Londeac was so startled by the unexpected appearance of his young niece, the Princess Bronwyn Tedeschitty, that he had an attack of asthma hat rendered him bedridden for nearly two days.

OH MY GOD. IT REALLY DOES LIVE UP TO THE REST! :D :D :D

Bronwyn with a smile grim in its artificiality, listened to the treble clink with much the same solidification of her head as if she had just heard a prison door slam shut.

What does that even mean?? *LMAO*

KikiteNeko
03-24-2009, 07:51 PM
What does that even mean?? *LMAO*

Ya know, I've read that sentence half a dozen times now and I still have NO idea.

Pagey's_Girl
03-24-2009, 08:08 PM
The Princess' full name is Princess Bronwyn Tedeschitty.

:eek:

And a friend thought I was nuts for naming a character Sparrow?

Elwolf
03-24-2009, 08:31 PM
Ugh. I'm going to have nightmares for months. And, now, somehow, my writing doesn't seem so bad anymore.

Did he and his publisher/editor even EDIT? I mean, isn't that the editor's JOB?!

But, it was horrible in a funny way, I guess.

Ugh.

KikiteNeko
03-24-2009, 08:42 PM
Ugh. I'm going to have nightmares for months. And, now, somehow, my writing doesn't seem so bad anymore.

Did he and his publisher/editor even EDIT? I mean, isn't that the editor's JOB?!

But, it was horrible in a funny way, I guess.

Ugh.

The book's format is not good. There are no spaces between ellipses, and there are a lot of ellipses. The chapter and cover text seem like a standard template font, and the illustrations are bad. One of them has a FLOATING BOWL OF FRUIT. Not sure if it's just a poor drawing or one of the characters levitates fruit bowls. The publisher is TimberWolfPress, as advertised by the www.TimberWolfPress.com site that is plastered all over the book. However, the site appears to be nonfuctioning.

Also, on page 131 for some reason there is NO spacing between words. I figure this is where the author stroked out. But he soldiered on!

CrownedSun
03-24-2009, 08:48 PM
"To us!" toasted Wittenoom. "We three are taking with us all the best of art, science and industry. With that we can do anything!"

As last sentences go, that's pretty awesome. ;)

c.e.lawson
03-24-2009, 08:58 PM
So really, no one has asked the obvious question - is this entire book a farce? Now that tomo has posted the first and last sentences, I'm very inclined to think that.

KikiteNeko
03-24-2009, 09:06 PM
So really, no one has asked the obvious question - is this entire book a farce? Now that tomo has posted the first and last sentences, I'm very inclined to think that.

I want to think so. But I doubt it. It's book 2 in a trilogy, and the first book won the 2001 book of the year award with ForeWard magazine.

Namatu
03-24-2009, 09:57 PM
I think the Floating Bowl of Fruit illustration is a perfect complement to the solidification of one's head. ...

Exactly. No sense. Ergo, perfect!

Soccer Mom
03-24-2009, 10:15 PM
Oh! Illustrated! I must now track down a copy of this book. Color me jealous!

KikiteNeko
03-24-2009, 10:19 PM
Oh! Illustrated! I must now track down a copy of this book. Color me jealous!

I found it used on half.com. Really cheap, garage sale prices ($4.99 I think). Might be more copies left.

Dirtpoor
03-25-2009, 01:59 AM
The rampaging metaphors spew like a burst pustule infested with a myriad of toxic bacteria. They ramble and cling like livid poison ivy over a dank and gnarled ancient forest.

This piece is so bad; and yet so encouraging.

fancie
03-26-2009, 08:50 AM
Okay, after reading this example of visualization, I'M KEEPING TO MY CARDBOARD CHARACTERS! :D

Namatu
03-26-2009, 04:55 PM
You don't want your characters to have schooners for legs? I'm anticipating tomo's next installment.

RiseBeauty
03-26-2009, 06:30 PM
Um. Ew. :eek:

Pagey's_Girl
03-26-2009, 09:26 PM
You don't want your characters to have schooners for legs? I'm anticipating tomo's next installment.

Schooners and otters and orchids and cheese and snails...OH MY!

Sorry - I'm feeling particularly smart-alecky today. :)

Namatu
03-26-2009, 09:48 PM
Schooners and otters and orchids and cheese and snails...OH MY!Perhaps breasts of soft cheese and ribs of potato. That way, if the cheese melts, you get cheesy pota... No?

KikiteNeko
03-26-2009, 10:05 PM
Perhaps breasts of soft cheese and ribs of potato. That way, if the cheese melts, you get cheesy pota... No?

Wow. I may never eat cheese again.

Namatu
03-26-2009, 10:26 PM
Wow. I may never eat cheese again.You'll probably be fine for square-shaped cheese, but avoid the round ones.

Mr. Chuckletrousers
03-26-2009, 10:58 PM
...He sat back erect in the chair, hands resting on the mouse and keyboard. He clicked the link, scrolled smoothly down, and came to the text. This is what he saw:

Lines crammed with words crawled relentlessly across the page, in dense blocks like army formations. Like 1960's architecture. Like a parade of the morbidly obese. It punished the eyes, as though it were a split onion. It was a dry contact lens, it was a gouging spork, it was an eyelash under the lid.

The similes and metaphors drifted by, a promenade both majestic and horrifying, like a pod of whales on fire off the Cape of Good Hope. They were a series of murders, staining the page with black letters. They were a logjam of corpses on a river, they were a towering pile of flensed skin in an abattoir, they were a punishment from an uncaring God.

The prose kept getting worse, so purple that the words began to fade into the ultra-violet end of the spectrum. Then he came to the second page, where it went off the rails altogether.

The similes were like syphilis, the metaphors were gonorrhea, the hyperbole was AIDS. The auxesis was an axe through the face. The repetition was buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo. The redundant circumlocutory periphrasis was soft cheese, that you later discover --after you've eaten it all-- was in fact congealed pus.

Finally, the end came, like fighting through a thicket of brambles and thorns to a clear meadow of flowers and grass. He gave a sigh of relief, and wiped the pained sweat from his brow.

"That's quite shitty," he said, and closed the link.

Fin.

semilargeintestine
03-26-2009, 11:02 PM
Haha, I didn't even read most of that post. I just thought, "Great. Another long post making fun of horrible writing by using crappy hyperbole." Then I got the bottom. I almost died at the "Fin." Brilliant.

Pagey's_Girl
03-27-2009, 01:53 AM
Perhaps breasts of soft cheese and ribs of potato. That way, if the cheese melts, you get cheesy pota... No?

I just came from that "Russet Moon" thread. I may never eat potatoes again either.

ad_lucem
03-27-2009, 02:15 AM
It's an LJ post, but the scanned pages from this Ace Fantasy just boggles my mind:

http://vandonovan.livejournal.com/1088311.html

I could have nightmares from the fanart.

OMG! Too funny. The fan art was perfectly cringe-inducing. The whole thing hand me laughing like a mad woman. Seriously, I had tears.

The kids are afraid their mother has lost it.

ROFLMAO

Red_Dahlia
03-27-2009, 09:55 AM
Wow, this is truly terrible.

My favorite part:
Her teeth were her only bracelet; she carried them within the red velvet purse of her lips.


I think that line will give me nightmares. However, I can't seem to stop rereading it. :Shrug:

dgiharris
03-27-2009, 10:53 AM
...He sat back erect in the chair, hands resting on the mouse and keyboard. He clicked the link, scrolled smoothly down, and came to the text. This is what he saw:

Lines crammed with words crawled relentlessly across the page, in dense blocks like army formations. Like 1960's architecture. Like a parade of the morbidly obese. It punished the eyes, as though it were a split onion. It was a dry contact lens, it was a gouging spork, it was an eyelash under the lid.

The similes and metaphors drifted by, a promenade both majestic and horrifying, like a pod of whales on fire off the Cape of Good Hope. They were a series of murders, staining the page with black letters. They were a logjam of corpses on a river, they were a towering pile of flensed skin in an abattoir, they were a punishment from an uncaring God.

The prose kept getting worse, so purple that the words began to fade into the ultra-violet end of the spectrum. Then he came to the second page, where it went off the rails altogether.

The similes were like syphilis, the metaphors were gonorrhea, the hyperbole was AIDS. The auxesis was an axe through the face. The repetition was buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo. The redundant circumlocutory periphrasis was soft cheese, that you later discover --after you've eaten it all-- was in fact congealed pus.

Finally, the end came, like fighting through a thicket of brambles and thorns to a clear meadow of flowers and grass. He gave a sigh of relief, and wiped the pained sweat from his brow.

"That's quite shitty," he said, and closed the link.

Fin.

SO so sooooo funny, hilarious. Well done.

Mel...

Namatu
03-27-2009, 04:58 PM
SO so sooooo funny, hilarious. Well done.I particularly like "buffalo, buffalo, buffalo."