Call the waaahmbulance; my finishing anxiety has just flared up something chronic

This is a bit of a hybrid thread. Goals and Accomplishments because I'm over 94k into my WIP and it shows no signs of stopping and also Rejection and Dejection because...well, I'm over 94k into my WIP and it shows no signs of stopping.

A bit of background. Last year on the 31st of October I had no idea what I was going to write for NaNoWriMo until just before midnight I said to myself, "Ah, fudge it. I'll just make up a couple of characters, fling them together and get them drunk."

That's more or less what I did, but the first 10k was like pulling teeth. According to thethinker42, "You'll be all right once you cross 10k. After that you'll be coasting."

"Pfft," said I, and "pfft," again.

Turns out, in November I did 50k, 25k in December, 10k in January and next to nothing in February.

Don't worry. I've got my mojo back as in March I've done nearly 10,000 words already which brings me up to 95k-ish.

But.

Now I'm starting to get nervous, because apart from my crapitudinous trunk novel fourteen years ago, this is the longest thing I've ever written and now I know what editing is all about, I'm overwhelmed. I know I have to stay true to the story and write what needs to be written. I can't just cut in and say "The End," because I don't want to have to edit too many pages later on, but...damn. This is going on and on.

Barring some major tightening, cutting out of Bobbery and reversing the telling-not-showing I am prone to when I'm not in the zone, the story itself is good and I love, love, love my characters.

But you know me - I have finishing anxiety. Too scared of rejection to get to the end without going mad. If I never finish, I can't query. If I never query, I can't get knocked back, right?

The thing is, I've just been looking at my print out of the novel so far and my stomach churned at the thought of how long it's going to take to edit. I figure if I'm super fast and super disciplined, two months. More than likely longer. Which isn't too bad, but...if I'd known way back in November how big this thing would be on the first draft, I'd have been...well, jittery, let's put it that way.

Don't get me wrong. It's been a joy to write. The characters are the most fun of any I've ever written. Bar none. The banter's funny, the sex is hot, their motivations are clear...at least, I hope. Maybe I'm just too in love with my own creations.

It shouldn't be this much fun, should it? I shouldn't laugh at things my characters say and think, "I wish I'd thought of that...oh wait, I did!"

I think I feel guilty for having this much fun. And the guilt makes me consider the possibility I'm the only one who can't see my baby is ugly. And that in turn makes me feel sick at the thought of not getting anywhere with something that's occupied my thoughts for so long. Yeah, only four months but I haven't deviated once. This is the first time in well over a decade that I've stuck to one project for so long. I haven't even wanted to commit literary adultery.

I don't want the past four months to have been a waste of my time.

I want to get this damn thing finished and off my hands.

But...what if, what if, what if.

I could be the only one who rates it.

And I'm probably mad for doing so anyway. What if my ugly little baby has a face only a mother could love?

I don't even know what I'm trying to say here. I love my characters so much I want everyone else to love them too. I'm freaking out like never before.

ACK!!!

*struggles against nice jacket with sleeves that tie at the back and bounces off the padded wallpaper*

PS: And there's no way this thing will come in at under 110k for draft number the first.

Point taken.

To be serious, though, I've always been the sort of person who's said, as ElaraSophia did, "Shut up and write." So I'm kinda asking for trouble starting a thread like this. I guess I just need a "Whinge, okay, done. Back to work," moment.

But it's weird. This book's different. Maybe I want it to meet with success more than anything else I've written.

Oh well. Best get on with it...

I was just saying to Lori on MSN, I've always been the type to say to other people "STFU and write," and that's just what I need to hear now.

In a way it's humbled me because I think, "Well, it can happen to me, too. I deserve a harsh talking to because I've dished out plenty in my time."

If I was just after a session of mental masturbation I'd deserve a slap, but it's really not that, it's just..."Tell me I'm not mad and I'll carry on. Be harsh but not cruel."

*is chastened*

I have something incredibly wanky and pretentious to say about this WIP but I'll wait until my head's stopped buzzing with worry.

ETA: Ah heck, here goes. Like I've said, I love the characters. And I described the feeling I have about them to Lori and she said it was exactly the same feeling she had about PWF before it was contracted for publication.

I have a previous WIP I loved and at the time it was the best thing I'd ever written. The first thing I wrote while attempting to incorporate the rules on head-jumping, dialogue attribution, Bobbery, telling-not-showing, etc. And I still think it'll fly. If I get around to submitting it.

But this WIP is like, "Okay, apprenticeship over. This is the real deal now. If you ever make a career out of writing, this is where it started."

And the fact Lori said, "That's how I felt about PWF," (which just happens to be DUE FOR PUBLICATION SOON) made me go,

I'm having trouble separating thoughts of ambition from the possibility it was a premonition almost. It happened to Lori after all.

There. Said it was wanky.

Wayne K said:

I got to "the sex is hot" and shut down mentally. I have no idea how that post ends, but it kept my attention that long: long enough to have a small anxiety attack of my own.

I feel you.

Finish and send it out. I don't make a secret of the fact that I love your way with words and your whimsey. Get it done I need a new favorite author. I'm reading Slaughterhouse 5 for the second and it's better than the first. I would put it down to read your book though.

My honest opinion.

Click to expand...

I wish.

Can't I just point and laugh now?

I knew you guys would be sympathetic give me what I need.