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ZaZ
05-27-2005, 05:34 AM
I often wonder if it is just my three drinking buddies and I who are the only people in the world who loathe worthless banter and slathered blather about nothing. When listening into the conversations of other people at the bar is beyond infuriating.

I've sat with each of these three gentlemen for a continual hour of drinking with no speaking. Not planned, just appreciated.

I'd say the Cooler equivalent of the problem would be the "Movies you hated" thread. I guess some people just talk to talk or enjoy circling conversations with "Hey, me too!" posts three per page. No offense, I saw some, what I would consider, borderline not normal people there.

Maybe I just want the whole world to shut up. Perhaps this thread is a prime example of what I'm bitching about in the first place.

It's all so irrelevant and meaningless anyway.

It's just been at least a couple weeks since I started a thread that goes nowhere. It's true, the typical thread killer rarely starts a long one. Guess it goes with the job.

"SHUT UP, ZaZ!"

maestrowork
05-27-2005, 05:52 AM
Hey, me too.

mommie4a
05-27-2005, 05:54 AM
My first instinct is to ask: Well, what would you like to talk about - that would be meaningful to you and the other party/parties?

Because ultimately, isn't that all that matters? If the folks having the conversation are vested in it, heck, I don't care what they're talking about. Chances are, especially at a bar, they'd have no interest in what I'm doing either. And that's fine with me.

Comfortable silence is great. But constant chatter isnt' necessarily not great. I think it all depends on the listeners and the speakers. They consent to how they want to interact based on verbal and other cues.

So, whatever works for you and your friends or tablemates etc. Value it! Some people sit silently alone. Sounds like you've got at least two souls who share your interests and want to be with you. Cheers to that, yes?



I often wonder if it is just my three drinking buddies and I who are the only people in the world who loathe worthless banter and slathered blather about nothing. When listening into the conversations of other people at the bar is beyond infuriating.

I've sat with each of these three gentlemen for a continual hour of drinking with no speaking. Not planned, just appreciated.

I'd say the Cooler equivalent of the problem would be the "Movies you hated" thread. I guess some people just talk to talk or enjoy circling conversations with "Hey, me too!" posts three per page. No offense, I saw some, what I would consider, borderline not normal people there.

Maybe I just want the whole world to shut up. Perhaps this thread is a prime example of what I'm bitching about in the first place.

It's all so irrelevant and meaningless anyway.

It's just been at least a couple weeks since I started a thread that goes nowhere. It's true, the typical thread killer rarely starts a long one. Guess it goes with the job.

"SHUT UP, ZaZ!"

astonwest
05-27-2005, 05:55 AM
I was going to put "Hey, me too" on this thread, just to have three on the page...then I thought better of it...

Damn.
:Smack:

ZaZ
05-27-2005, 05:57 AM
I know at least two of you are on the movies thread.
Bastards!
I really just wanted to tell myself to shut up.

mommie4a
05-27-2005, 05:58 AM
I know at least two of you are on the movies thread.
Bastards!
I really just wanted to tell myself to shut up.

Zaz - I'm too kind a soul - I can't let you kill your own thread, so I'm sorry - but I must post again.

ZaZ
05-27-2005, 06:00 AM
That's it!
I'm going to the bar!

mommie4a
05-27-2005, 06:00 AM
No please no - don't do it - don't kill your own thread! I'm going to sleep - I can't save you anymore - I'm a mental health professional - I'll have to commit suicide if I don't save you.

William Haskins
05-27-2005, 06:01 AM
http://absolutewrite.com/forums/showpost.php?p=201396&postcount=1

http://absolutewrite.com/forums/showpost.php?p=195179&postcount=1

http://absolutewrite.com/forums/showpost.php?p=164802&postcount=1

mommie4a
05-27-2005, 06:02 AM
Ok - I'm back to not understanding you. Damn you, Haskins.

Renee
05-27-2005, 06:08 AM
"SHUT UP, ZaZ!"

Never shut up Zaz man!


I know what ya mean. I used to despise silence, but in the last few years have realized there's a value to it - at times. At other times silence makes my ears ring..

Liam Jackson
05-27-2005, 06:55 AM
Slathered blather has a very special place in the world. It drowns out the "BOO-YAH!" crap on ESPN.

sgtsdaughter
05-27-2005, 09:09 AM
I guess some people just talk to talk or enjoy circling conversations with "Hey, me too!" posts three per page. No offense, I saw some, what I would consider, borderline not normal people there.

It's all so irrelevant and meaningless anyway.



Zaz,

You didn't really expect to find "normal" people on a forum for writers? Come on man, for writers to be able to produce--consistently and productively--we all have to be a bit on the nutty side. How else would we hear the voices that tell us what to write?

:D

A.

brokenfingers
05-27-2005, 09:25 AM
Wow, with a thread name like that - I just couldn't resist coming in. Naturally I thought it was an invitation for me to come in and blather away, a kind of beacon call for senseless, worthless, meaningless blathering.

But now that I've read Zaz's post all I can say is:

Yeah, Zaz, I know what you mean.

Uh-huh.

Yep.

Hey, me too!

Yeah, you got that right.

.............

LOL!!!

Really?

Dude!!

Awesome!

ROTFLMAO!!

Yep.

sigh..........

Man, that was great Zaz. Thanks!!

sgtsdaughter
05-27-2005, 09:33 AM
And see BF's post above for validation that writer's are not normal . . . then again could be because he is right up the road from me (us being New Yorkers et al.) and the yankee genes are probally ingrained in him. Me, they just come when I let the guard down. He He He.


God, I need to get past my lastest roadblock. Soon I tell ya. Soon.

ZaZ
05-30-2005, 03:30 AM
Can't be bothered starting a fight

C'mon, ya pansy!

Gehanna
05-30-2005, 03:46 AM
ZaZ, shouldn't you be doing something productive like eavesdropping on other people's conversations while silently drinking beer in a bar? :Thumbs:

Fractured_Chaos
05-30-2005, 04:23 AM
<useless comment>Normal is overrated.</useless comment>

Renee
05-30-2005, 04:38 AM
C'mon, ya pansy!

Now Zaz, don't be an azz.

ZaZ
05-30-2005, 05:05 AM
I will be listening to the rambling shite of some doofus sometime after 10. After ending a 24 day bender with a day off followed by a keg party, I'm still in need of some non-alcoholic time.

I'm thinkin' Peanut Buster Parfait and then a bunch of vodka.

Now there's some worthless banter.

Fractured_Chaos
05-30-2005, 05:08 AM
Vodka?! Good Lord, Man...if you're gunna drink the hard stuff, at least drink the -good- hard stuff. Single malt Scotch. Preferably imported from Scotland.

I prefer an Islay, but I did find a yummy Cigar Malt not too long ago.

ZaZ
05-30-2005, 05:11 AM
Affordability is the name of the game today. I drink scotch with my lawyer buddy during our monthly chess match. As long as it isn't Glenfiddich, widely renowned for its blandness and lack of character. But not tonight, hello RBV.

Fractured_Chaos
05-30-2005, 05:19 AM
Ah-hah! Gotcha!

Well, stay away from the Blavod *shudder*

Black Vodka....and naaaaaasty! But it is cheap.

Sarita
05-30-2005, 05:22 AM
I'm thinkin' Peanut Buster Parfait and then a bunch of vodka.
Wanna make it a double? Sounds like the kinda night I could use...

Oh yeah, blather, blather, blather. :heart: you, Zaz.

ZaZ
05-30-2005, 05:23 AM
Let me tell ya, I've learned the fastest way to a gal's panties is ice cream and vodka. Does that mean I'm puttin' the moves on myself? Oh yeah! Work me, own me!

Sarita
05-30-2005, 05:25 AM
You had me at ice cream.... throw in some vodka, kahlua, make it a mudslide and you've taken me to heaven...

ZaZ
05-30-2005, 05:37 AM
Not to mention the extreme and radically darting tongue movements with sensual sucking action. Ooh. I feel dirty.

And now, your ZaZ visual of the day:

Me, naked with a loofa.

Go tickle your fancy to that.

Sarita
05-30-2005, 05:41 AM
Oh Zaz, Darling. You should have stopped at the ice cream. You've just added worthless blather to your own thread! It's a downward spiral from here on out.

sgtsdaughter
05-30-2005, 06:01 AM
Let me tell ya, I've learned the fastest way to a gal's panties is ice cream and vodka. Does that mean I'm puttin' the moves on myself? Oh yeah! Work me, own me!

My virgin eyes have just gone blind.

Drink cherry vodka . . . even cheeper than black, and just as dangerous.

A.

oswann
05-30-2005, 02:24 PM
C'mon, ya pansy!


I'm afraid I'll make you cry. I eat guys like you for brunch.


Os.

oswann
05-30-2005, 02:51 PM
No, in fact Ill let you continue the teenage poetry thread. Oh why do I feel so much? Why doesn't everyone feel as much as me? Why is everyone wasting their time talking about stuff irrelevant to me and my three mute drinking buddies? Look at me. Don't look at me. Blah blah blah.
No you're right it's a cool thread.


Os.

aspier
05-30-2005, 05:12 PM
I often wonder if it is just my three drinking buddies and I who are the only people in the world who loathe worthless banter and slathered blather about nothing. When listening into the conversations of other people at the bar is beyond infuriating.

I've sat with each of these three gentlemen for a continual hour of drinking with no speaking. Not planned, just appreciated.

I'd say the Cooler equivalent of the problem would be the "Movies you hated" thread. I guess some people just talk to talk or enjoy circling conversations with "Hey, me too!" posts three per page. No offense, I saw some, what I would consider, borderline not normal people there.

Maybe I just want the whole world to shut up. Perhaps this thread is a prime example of what I'm bitching about in the first place.

It's all so irrelevant and meaningless anyway.

It's just been at least a couple weeks since I started a thread that goes nowhere. It's true, the typical thread killer rarely starts a long one. Guess it goes with the job.

"SHUT UP, ZaZ!"





Sorry I don't drink or go into bars ... can't help you there. I do however hate happiness and Englishmen p issed on this kind of ill behaviour ... happiness etc. I polish my nails and play rugby though. Need more...?

as

ZaZ
05-31-2005, 09:43 PM
For a minute there, Os was making a pretty decent point. Then again, there is no meaning to this thread, so it really doesn't matter anyway.

In the end, it's almost all worthless blather.
Nice weather around here today. Sunny and 70s F.
The defense rests.

"Margarita!"

Ed Williams
05-31-2005, 09:57 PM
...clue what yer talkin' about, but if it's from you, it's gotta be good!

Fractured_Chaos
05-31-2005, 11:00 PM
http://members.cox.net/drgnlvr/weirdthread.gif

ZaZ
05-31-2005, 11:42 PM
I'm pickled.
That's all I'm saying.

sgtsdaughter
06-01-2005, 12:48 AM
I'm pickled.
That's all I'm saying.

That and a bit on the nutty side.

Liam Jackson
06-01-2005, 12:48 AM
Pickle juice is our friend. And remember, boys and girls, always take along a designated blatherer. Just in case.

Ed Williams
06-01-2005, 01:25 AM
....when my man ZaZ is in his "free expression mode," he comes up with some of his best comments of all....

Renee
06-01-2005, 05:35 AM
"Margarita!"

Did someone say margarita? Yeah I thought so! Mummmmm!

And I sure need it after that ZaZ with a loofa visual.:ROFL:

ZaZ
06-02-2005, 12:08 AM
So, here's a day in ZaZ land for ya.

As opposed to rotting in front of my computer, which is a noble thing to do, don't get me wrong, I'm at work. Ahem! No, I'm not.

I awoke to the murmurs of a freshly shaved and French manicured redhead...

*skip*

I finished the last of Saturday night's keg...

*skip*

Oh yeah, work. I've had 2 24 ounce Coronas with two limes, half a pack of Camel Filters, a goodbye smooch from her highness and "ZaZ, will you fix the PC DJ in the bar for an unlimited tab?"

"Okay."

*Puff Puff* *Skip*

"It sucks being smart and not wanting to do anything with it," sayeth Dr. Derwood.
"Hey, I'm going to quote you on that."

Oops, found real time.
Cuckoo!

oswann
06-02-2005, 10:49 AM
Credit where credit is due. You've taken the thread out of wallowing in teenage poetry and plunged it into adult blather which, if I understand correctly was the criticism of other threads.

You should consider going into politics. No one has the slightest idea what you are talking about, you answer questions which haven't really been asked and avoid the ones that have been all whilst remaining charming in a naive and drunken way.

Good luck, you've won me over.
Os.

ZaZ
06-02-2005, 10:33 PM
Half the time, I'm so blitzkrieged, I don't even really know what's going on.
That's the true genius in this anti-social commentary.
What day is it, anyway?

I'd like to reiterate my firm stance against meaningless drivel. I promise you, come November, I will filibuster this filibuster. A thousand points of light. Maybe that's just the hallucinogenic mushrooms or the hash brownies.

Face it, I'll just crank up Daft Punk's Human After All, smoke a fatty and call it good.

I have gone completely insane.
I think the real cause was a guy who complimented me for thinking outside the box.
"Hey Ted, there is no flippin' box!"

How 'bout a sing-a-long:

You have never been in love,

Until you've seen the stars,

reflect in the resevoirs



And you have never been in love,

Until you've seen the dawn rise,

behind the home for the blind



We are the pretty petty thieves,

And you're standing on our street..



...where Hector was the first of the gang

with a gun in his hand

and the first to do time

the first of the gang to die. Oh my.

Where Hector was the first of the gang

with a gun in his hand

and the first to do time

the first of the gang to die.



You have never been in love,

Until you've seen the sunlight thrown

over smashed human bones



We are the pretty petty thieves,

And you're standing on our street..



...where Hector was the first of the gang

with a gun in his hand

and the first to do time

the first of the gang to die. Such a silly boy.

Hector was the first of the gang

with a gun in his hand

and a bullet in his gullet

the first last lad to go under the sod.


And he stole from the rich and the poor

and the not-very-rich and the very poor

and he stole all hearts away

he stole all hearts away

he stole all hearts away

he stole all hearts away

oswann
06-02-2005, 10:57 PM
You should continue this thread in the hope of bringing a type of meaning to these boards. Not a conventional meaning, that much is obvious. Not even a comprehensible meaning. It's like watching a Swedish film after missing the first ten minutes because you decided to have that fatal last eye-opener before the film started. But meaning, as deranged and noble as it may be. I admit, I think you are a high octane nutter. But keep up the good work.



Os.

ZaZ
06-02-2005, 11:21 PM
http://www.dailyzen.com/images/sagey1t.gif
http://www.dailyzen.com/images/sagey2t.gif
http://www.dailyzen.com/dot.gif
It is a great misfortune for those
Engaged in learning to take the
Sayings of the sages as mere
Verbal exercises.
http://www.dailyzen.com/images/dot.gif
http://www.dailyzen.com/images/dot.gif - Xue Xuan (1389-1464) ("")

Liam Jackson
06-03-2005, 12:04 AM
The "AW meets A Clockwork Orange meets Rainman meets The Tommyknockers meets Death and the Art of Dying: The Tibetan Book of the Dead" Thread.

Folks, I think we have a winner.

ZaZ
06-03-2005, 12:49 AM
Dammit!
Are you saying there is some relevance, use and meaning behind all this?
Bollocks!

arrowqueen
06-03-2005, 12:59 AM
Nope. But we like you anyway.

Ed Williams
06-03-2005, 06:51 AM
...hold you back, dig deeper baby!

Sarita
06-03-2005, 07:12 AM
...hold you back, dig deeper baby!

Hell yeah...

oswann
06-03-2005, 10:38 AM
Dammit!
Are you saying there is some relevance, use and meaning behind all this?
Bollocks!


"When the going gets weird the weird turn pro."

I'm sure we can squeeze some pearls out of this thread.
Os.

ZaZ
06-03-2005, 11:40 PM
So I ran into some "shrooms" last night and proceeded, with the assistance of one larger and more insane oaf, to scare the living beJeeZis out of the stray individuals at the bar who, with pursed lips, whispered to each other, "I think those boys are on drugs."

I offered hugs to no avail.

Insane laughter and hallucinogenic giggles prevailed over the tight-lipped Norwegian folk and their tap beer. But a sour gut has usurped my insanity and I find myself preparing to attend a Groom's Dinner as the guest of the Maid of Honor and I can't even really get my equilibrium straight, let alone my hair done.

Woe is me. I guess, if I behave, look somewhat acceptable and act like I want to be there, I'll get that Hummer I so deserve and I'm not talking about trucks.

But then!:flag:

"Zaz, since my Mom is playing the organ and I'm in the wedding and the mother of my 18 month old niece is working, would you mind watching her at rehearsal and bring her to the wedding?"

"You're what hurts?!"

Don't get me wrong, the kid's cute and all that and I'll match her frilly pink dress with a dress of my own. No, I won't. But I might wear pink just to dialogue the broads with my matching outfit to said toddler.

"Oooh, isn't she cute? Is she your daughter?"
"Does she have any hair?"
"No."
"Then she's not mine. Hey want to go check out what's goin' down behind those bushes over there?"
"You've got a girlfriend!"
"Well, we can invite her along as well, if that'll make you happy."
*SlaP*

I don't even know what I'm saying.

This is what happens to the man in a committed relationship. Had I not the charming confines of the curvy redhead, I'd be on my way to Minneapolis to probably do more drugs or get bombed or see a show or nail some broad, but no, I'm going to a wedding.

I don't care what anyone says. I will loathe every minute of it. I've known the bride for about 3 hours. I'm just nailing the MOH. I shouldn't even have to attend.

ZaZ, abuser, boyfriend, cuckoo moonboots and now babysitter.
What the *HONK*

This must be karma, or proof of the sense of humor of whatever deity you choose to warp your life around. I'm starting to get pissed.

Sarita
06-03-2005, 11:45 PM
Have a slice of cake for me :D

maestrowork
06-03-2005, 11:47 PM
Don't forget to do the chicken dance!

brokenfingers
06-03-2005, 11:52 PM
Sorry Zaz, I wasn't feeling it with that last post.

I could've sworn I saw some kind of meaning and coherency lurking just beneath the surface. They didn't actually jump right out and get me all wet mind you, but I could see the sunlight flash upon their speckled backs as they swam by threatening to emerge at any moment.

Henceforth, please put a little more effort into making your posts truly worthless.

Thank you.

sgtsdaughter
06-04-2005, 12:48 AM
Dude,
Do what I do at weddings . . . get sloshed and dance like a white girl. Then again, my friends are all down south, hardly (if ever) get to see me, so I get treated like a queen. Because, after all, the New York chick is "exotic."

Ed Williams
06-04-2005, 06:48 AM
...with the bride herself? If you do the right combination of shrooms, tequila, and twinkies, is it possible for you? Is the inspiration there, or would you rather just do the flamingo in the punch bowl? My friend, don't just settle for second best, make this wedding an AFFAIR they'll talk about for years!

I hate wearing all that dress up **** too, how bitchin' is the MOH? Give details, I'm at that point in life where a hot meal a couple of nights a week is a big deal...

Ed Williams
06-04-2005, 02:18 PM
http://img3.buzznet.com/assets/users7/thebobshow/default/gallery-msg-1114792686-2.jpg (http://thebobshow.buzznet.com/user/?id=1134874)

ZaZ
06-04-2005, 09:11 PM
Somehow, I knew the essence of hangover would make it here sooner or later. I'll get a few pics of the MOH tonight, whether they're in the church or wham bam, it's 2:30 AM and look at you, you're wasted.

I've decided that Maid of Honor sex is as close to a conjugal visit as I'm going to have since, well, two days ago. So, I'm going to try to drink lightly and stick to around 10 cigarettes. This also means no smokin' the herb, either.

You see, as the Bogmen say, "dopers and stoners just can't get no boners!"

Anyway, if I take care of the baby, drink lightly, twirl the girl around a few times, pretend to have an air of enjoyment believable enough to disguise my utter disgust for church weddings while trying not to think about the wedding I have to be in 3 weeks from this very day, why, I might be able to talk the MOH into reissuing the 5 blow job coupons I've spent this week to counteract all the other boyfriend crap I've had to do.

Now don't get me wrong. Deep down inside I like to do these things. Down there somewhere with, "Jeezis, she looks great naked!"

And I'm spent.

Ed Williams
06-04-2005, 09:32 PM
...and no one here wants you to hit paydirt as much as I do. Keep us informed on your progress, and just know that all the greats size up the challenges correctly before facing them. You're doing a fine job...

ZaZ
06-05-2005, 04:04 AM
Picked up toddler, check.
Attended wedding, check.
Toddler didn't sit still, check.
Repeatedly climbed stairs with toddler, check.
Humid Minnesota weather caused undesired perspiration, check.
Made eyes with a propped and bosomy redhead, check.
Wedding ended quickly, Lutheran style, check.
Handed toddler over to her grandmother, check.
Got "good boy" smooch from redhead, check.
Slipped hand down the top of her strapless dress, check.
Skipped the dinner, check.
Got the hell out of there, check.
Reception at 8:30 pm CST.

On a scale of 1-7.25 my anxiety level reached about a 4.69.
Watching unrelated toddlers for 90 minutes in a quiet church is not my idea of a good time.

One quick shout out to the makers of Camel Filters.
Thank you.

sgtsdaughter
06-05-2005, 04:11 AM
Zaz,

The last church wedding I showed my face at involved me taking care of the bride's mother. Your toddler thing was probally a piece of cake to that! My job involved lots of shots--for me and the mother.

ZaZ
06-05-2005, 04:15 AM
One thing I can say about somebody's mother sitting on the bride's side, first row: Huge Rack. I'd take care of her.

The shots will be coming soon. Good thing I skipped the meal. I'm going to get bombed.

samgail
06-05-2005, 04:41 AM
My hangover is almost gone so I am having a glass of wine. Cheers to you ZaZ - hope your evening is eventful and your hangover is not.
sam

ZaZ
06-06-2005, 05:26 AM
There I was, somehow, outside the wedding reception, in a 1979 Mercury Monarch painted what looked like rain-slicked primer gray with a faded red rag top now pink from the sun. Inside the car was filled with a cloud of good bud burning on a scientifically folded can of Squirt.

Normally, I would avoid such a situation but 7 Jager bombs and a pitcher of beer and free refills had me completely out of my noodle. So much for drinking lightly.

Puffy Puff Puff, I've got a decent buzz goin' on.

"Yo Curt, I've had enough. Let's blow this joint and grab a drink over at the Inn."
"No way, man, we're finishing this s h i t."
"Alright."

Flame to bud, smoke to ZaZ.

"Gestapo!"
"Are you kidding me?"
"Nope."

5-oh: "Smells like dope in here."
Curt: "What?"
ZaZ: "Sure does."
5-oh: "Where's the bag?:
Curt: "What?"
ZaZ: "You mean that plastic bag your flashlight is lighting up?"
5-oh: "What were you lighting up when we pulled behind you?"
ZaZ: "A Camel Light but I didn't get the flame to it as you really freaked me out."
5-oh: "Empty your pockets."
First thing I pulled out was the girlfriend's lip gloss.
The two cops laugh. I unload two lighters, two packs of smokes and here comes the redhead.
ZaZ: "F u c k me."
Red: "Is everything okay?"
ZaZ: "If that man over there says so. Grab your lip gloss and go back inside."
5-oh: "Where's the pipe?"
ZaZ: "No pipe. Can of Squirt."
5-oh: "Seriously?"
ZaZ: "It isn't that funny, Sir."
5-oh: "You're free to go."
ZaZ: "Killer."

Curt was fined but returned to the reception. I slammed a water before the Jager Bombs returned with avengeance. Word spread quickly. I blamed it on wearing a tie and no baseball cap. I dress up one day and the pigs are all over me.

I know the bride was proud, being a toker. The girlfriend seemed indifferent, but that's nothing new. I had a great buzz going. Nothing gets the bud to the brain faster than the cops.

There was much laughter.

Later in the evening I found out I wasn't welcomed back to the site of the reception as the last time I was there I was almost sued by some fat lawyer for saying something smart. Caused a scene. He came up and asked me if I wanted to sing a karaoke song with him. I asked if he'd take the two empty bottles on my table to the bar for me. He didn't think it was funny and his insane rantings at the owner concerning my mouth had me on the list. Getting busted then released in the parking lot put Michael, the owner, over the edge.

Owner: "ZaZ, I know all my employees like you and you're a funny guy but you need to tone it down."
Zaz: "Don't take that tone with me, Michael."

To make up for the faux pas, I danced with the redhead a few times. I didn't get any hotel room sex until the next day. She was passed out and I was in charge of removing the 50 bobby pins from her up-do. Got it good this morning though. I know Ed was concerned.

In conclusion, I'm a criminal. I admit it. I knew it was against the law. I did it anyway. For a brief moment, I was Raul Duke. Makes sense, I guess.

Ed Williams
06-06-2005, 06:25 AM
....my only concern was being assured that your basic needs were met this weekend, and that appears to be the case. I am much relieved. Now, for the deep, insightful part - what's the future with the redhead? Are you enjoying being the boyfriend, or will you skid row her just as soon as a babe with a godzillian sized rack comes along? Size it all up for me, my friend...

ZaZ
06-06-2005, 06:40 AM
Interesting line of questioning.
First and foremost, I really enjoy naked 22 year olds. Although, she will be 23 in July. Hmmmm.

I believe it all boils down to whether or not the redhead will have me. Total opposites. She likes the heat on, I prefer A/C. She's motivated and still thinks about having a career and some sense of a normal American lifestyle. I want to travel the world with Drinking Buddy abusing chemicals and trying to die amidst some insane adventure that doesn't involve a lot of sweating. She: Marlboro Lights. Moi: Camel Filters. I get drunk and I'm even sweeter. She gets sloshed and is mean as hell.

But really, it all boils down to September. She goes back to college for a year. If I move there, who knows? If I stay here and let her go, I'd say it's probably over. Will I motivate myself to become employed on a regular basis rather than freelancing enough money to cover the bills and drink? Will I deal with my issue with alcohol?

There's a lot of fluff and a lot of questions surrounding whether or not I'm willing to be a big boy. I like her. Don't get me wrong. But do I like my booze better? Perhaps.

Marriage is not an option for either. It isn't even a topic she's willing to discuss. I think she wants to move back to Savannah, GA. I think somewhere further north of Minnesota would be more my style.

There are multiple factors pointing toward failure. Will feelings and hot monkey sex prevail over personal pursuits and desires? I don't know.

But one thing I do know: She's bartending right now. Which means a couple freebie 32 ounce Killian's for this cat and some smart comments to the first drunk I see oggling her. Then she'll get pissed. I'll have to pay for my beer and I'll go sit at a table and leave her alone. Which will lead to some, "ZaZ, when I'm working...blah blah blah." "Honey, when I'm drinking...blah cubed." "You're always drinking when I'm working." "Oh yeah." :banana:

Whatever, like I'm going to settle down. September will fork two ways. Drinking Buddy and I take off on some odd RV adventure or I become domesticated and assimilate back into society. Seems like a no-brainer doesn't it? :idea:

Ed Williams
06-06-2005, 06:55 AM
...and you're almost like a son to me, so here's some advice from the male perspective about settling down. If there is unanimous agreement between your heart, your sense of logic, and most importantly, your groin, settle down. If any of the three are hesitant, run like you've just eaten an Ex-Lax burrito...

ZaZ
06-06-2005, 07:38 AM
Phew! That really helps.
Do those burritos come with designer colostomy bags?

maestrowork
06-06-2005, 09:38 AM
The Rayster don't believe in settling down for the wrong reason.

No burritos for me, thank you very much.

ZaZ
06-07-2005, 12:13 AM
Well, it blew up last night.

"*****, I'm really sick of your ****."
*silence*
"And another thing...rah rah rah!"
*pout*
"Here's a little somethin' somethin' for you to hatch!"
*lit cigarette, pout, deafening silence*
"Do you understand?" (Softly bellowed in a Neidermeyer fashion)
*I'm sorry."
"That isn't the half of it! Now go to bed."

Man, that felt good. I don't care what anyone says. Sometimes, even the nice guy has to let it out. Weddings, babies, never ending errands, sitting through 55 minute phone calls, the non-stop talking.

Women, can't live with 'em, can't see more than one at a time, wouldn't want to anyway, just shoot me.

I picked up a twelve pack and the hedgehog and have decided to drunkenly trim my hedges, mow the lawn and sit in the yard waving at the neighbors. Ahhhh...what happened to the good time single guy inside?

"Hey, there he is! And here comes Drinking Buddy!"

Renee
06-07-2005, 07:33 AM
Women, can't live with 'em, can't see more than one at a time, wouldn't want to anyway, just shoot me.

I picked up a twelve pack..

Let me pull a ZaZ if I may (no I wasn't really asking). "Ah, you're the man Zaz." Whine, blah, blah, blah. *evil laugh* Admit it you're laughing and you know I like ya so stop looking at me..like that!

:ROFL:
Life's a ***** and so are relationships. :Cheers: But everything worth having is truly worth working for dude. There's more good then bad within a good one. *insert extended rant/rave here*

Blah, blah, blanter on

Work on that twelve pack, slowly, and then tell us about it. ;)

Ed Williams
06-07-2005, 07:40 AM
...you had to do what every normal guy has to do, and that's equalize. Face it, you've been to weddings, taken care of punk *** kids, smiling, doing all that **** that most of us men hate, but have to do when women are involved. There just comes a time when enough is enough, and that's the moment when beer, cussing, methane emissions, and more can balance the path for you yet again. I'm proud of you, you held out longer than I would've, you are a saint among men.

Now Renee, it's good to see you here, and since we're in holy bonkimony, can we go slip over behind ZaZ's hedges and get funky like a monkey?

:banana:

Renee
06-07-2005, 07:55 AM
you are a saint among men. Oh, lord..haha..


Now Renee, it's good to see you here, and since we're in holy bonkimony, can we go slip over behind ZaZ's hedges and get funky like a monkey? :banana:

Heck, I thought I was invisible. :ROFL:

Off to the bushes..:Ssh:*as everyone tunes in*..

oswann
06-07-2005, 02:21 PM
The Zaz thread. I knew it would come through. Keep him pumped Ed. Keep it coming Zaz. This is the fruitiest stuff on the boards.


Os.

Ed Williams
06-07-2005, 06:36 PM
...isn't it? ZaZ just cracks me up, I could read his posts for a week non-stop, I'm just trying to prime the pump and keep him talkin'.


********************************************

ZaZ, my friend, when you get a chance and get back on the thread, give us the latest. Somehow you just don't hit me as the domesticated type, but hey, maybe I'm wrong. I did take a look at your pic of the redhead, and god, she's hotter than a twenty dollar Mercedes. I can well understand your dilemma and then some. Here's a thought, could you pretend you want the domestic life with her, reap every possible benefit from it that you can, and then, at the last possible moment, tell her that you've renounced women and are about to go into the priesthood? Just a thought...

ZaZ
06-07-2005, 10:27 PM
I guess this is what happens when one goes a fourth straight year without full-time employment. First year there was the never leaving the pontoon, here's some dough, run to the liquor store, I refuse to step foot on land ZaZ. This brought the girls to the boat and sometimes led them astray from their normal herding patterns but the ZaZ wasn't having any permanence of sorts.

Second year was the year of the Cave. A more affordable soul-spending year in which writing was pursued amidst a constant intake of drugs. The beard was grown and the local girls were frightened by the occasional appearance of Nanook of the North on hiatus from his hiatus.

"That ZaZ is so mysterious."
"No he isn't, he's just hairy."

Year number 3 all the hardcore drinking buddies went down the aisle save one. "ZaZ, will you stand up for me at my wedding." "Hell no, I won't even show up!" The Minnesota winter came and the only female around was a late-twenties brunette fag hag with a great set of torpedo tits. A couple heavy petting sessions, got me hands on those monsters, ran away when I found out she's just a small-town North Dakotan with dreams of Vegas. I like Vegas, don't get me wrong. But I don't want to live there.

The stock option money saved from before the wind left the NASDAQ sails in 2000 began to wane under the constant barrage of ATM abuse, drunken check writing and a love life like a local brothel. It was time to think about the nightmare of returning to some sense of regular employment. You see, I'm too lazy to be a freelance writer. I don't even think Jenna's book could help. There's a New Order song noting the lyrics:

I don't wanna be like other people are
Don't wanna own a key, don't wanna wash my car
Don't wanna have to work like other people do
I want it to be free, I want it to be true

For three years I bellowed, "This is no way to live! You're all a bunch of sheep!" Turns out I'm the crazy one. I guess this is the way it is and anyone with ideas and ideals of a more perfect union is relegated to suffereing the status quo. I was down and out. The world I wanted to live in was either never going to happen or at least would never ever occur in the next three of my lifetimes. I was beaten down ready for escape. The plans were laid for a 2 week trip to Hippieland, Oregon and Weed, California. Debauchery ensued, illegal camping and roaming the streets of Eugene, Oregon intentionallly dressed as undercover cops to see how easy it was to get some quality smoke. It happened, it didn't happen, it didn't matter.

The world had turned and left me here. I was vulnerable. I had declined the advances of women emancipated 17 year old to 70. I had no longer any interest in the fairer sex. I was ready to just drink the rest of the money away and take off for the hills, or at least somewhere with more snow. Then along came this curvy, horse ridin' redhead with a fake Georgia drawl from her one year there and stories of how she was in love with some southern doofus named Rusty.

I listened to the tales of Rusty and quickly found out I'd probably be best off leaving her to this long distance quasi relationship. More than once, I had to remind her he didn't even return her calls. But her horse pasture was quiet and the lake property is out in the sticks - a nice diversion from all the hub-bub of northern Minnesota lake resort town night life nonsense so familiar and boring. That and she prefers to not wear bras and has a pool table.

But I was the nice guy. "You're 22, what in the hell am I going to do with you? You've still got all that enthusiasm and blind optimism." "I'm never in a bad mood," she said. "I hate you and all you stand for." We kissed in lieu of the sentence-ending preposition. I seemed at my wit's end inside trying to battle stars in my eyes and the pleasures of really great lips, I'm talkin' full, pouty, to be frank, DSL's. Then the sex. Then the frequency of blood running out of one head and into the other.

"I want you to meet my mother."
"Oh no."
"She's smokes and likes beer."
"Alright. If I have to."

Time passes.

"Oh f u c k me, I have feelings!"

I'm doomed! Doomed, I say!
I don't want to assimilate. I can't stand the thought of going to a job interview and actually forcing myself to pretend that I want to be there. If anyone asks me a behavioral question I'm likely to go postal.

"Tell me about a time at your last job, uhhhh, five years ago, when you had to form a team to solve a problem."
"This is my right fist. This is my left fist. Here's a steady diet of both. Problem solved."

But, if I want to keep the redhead around, I have to assimilate. One day she wants a big ol' house and multiple vehicles, a bunch of property and more horses. Apparently, my occasional musings on local sports as a way to pay my rent and cover my bar tab aren't going to cover it. My past, however, can. But I hate that bastard. I don't want to wake up, drudge out the door at the buttcrack of dawn to go sit somewhere and move paper, listen to arseholes and pretend I'm not just a cog in a big machine I want to die anyway.

I don't know which is worse, capitalism or modern romance or the sick need for both. No, it's compromise. It's having someone else around. It's someone else's ideal messing with my ideal. It's everyone else screwing up my world. Where is the snowy island country of ZaZ?

Sarita
06-07-2005, 10:36 PM
But, if I want to keep the redhead around, I have to assimilate.
Is she worth it?

ZaZ
06-07-2005, 10:46 PM
Hi, my name is ZaZ and I'm a romanto-narco-alcoholic-hic!"
"We love you, ZaZ."
I can't even *hic* 12 step myself around *cup* that question.

Is anyone worth it?

I'm still dreaming of that mythical snowy island of ZaZ, where we hear the natives say, "Atook zug zug Launa. Atook, a-loonda Launa." Wait, that was that Ringo Starr Caveman movie.

Where we hear the natives say, "Ahh, this homebrew goes great with the hammock. Pass the doob. Let's frollick!"

The Island of ZaZ. We trade freedom to the Captialist pigs.

Sarita
06-07-2005, 10:49 PM
Is anyone worth it?

Changing yourself? Selling your soul to corporate anything?

No.

sgtsdaughter
06-07-2005, 10:56 PM
run and be free man. yeah, i know . . . i sound like a hippie or something, and i have no room to talk considering i am quickly becoming part of the system. but selling out never works out in the long run.

ZaZ
06-07-2005, 10:58 PM
The Princess of the Island of ZaZ, Pennsylvania Sara....(Something about taking off her top at 1 o'clock like siesta in Mexico where instead of napping the entire race of ZaZ natives...well, forget it.)

You're absolutely right. I've been ranting at Drinking Buddy about this to the point where he's probably ready to find a new DB.

"What am I going to do, Drinking Buddy. Get a real job? Plug back in? In Grand Forks, North Dakota or worse, Crookston, Minnesota? What am I, insane?"
"You're in love, dummy."
"F u c k you, Drinking Buddy."
"Yeah, we'll take another round."
"Shots! SHOTS!"

Sarita
06-07-2005, 11:03 PM
"You're in love, dummy."
"F u c k you, Drinking Buddy."

Yes, shots are the best remedy for that ailment. And is it love if you have to change? I think not. More like infatuation. Believe me, I've been thinking about this topic A LOT lately. I know what I'm talking about.

Oh and has anyone fed you the "if she wants you to change, she doesn't love you for who you are?" line? People want their loved ones to prosper and grow (or is it live long and prosper ;) ) but if it means they are trying to change your core... well you know what I mean, King ZaZ, Island God.

ZaZ
06-07-2005, 11:15 PM
Holy shite, I think I'm starting to feel better.
Here's the best example of change in this relationship.

There's ZaZ and there's the ZaZ Show, a hilarious, un-edited, ad-lib at the expense of anyone in the vicinity of the bar, to the bemusement of a gaggle of fair maidens, where in the midst of frenetic insulting of the populace, the wild and untamed ZaZ will flower the group of ladies with horribly complimentary fluff using silly words like nimbus when describing some broad's eye shadow.

The summer bartenders have returned to Resortville. Kimmy, a leggy brunette who was lucky enough to have my hand up her skirt last summer said to the redhead, "I was really disappointed ZaZ didn't pull out the ZaZ show on my first night back." To which the redhead was forced to explain how she killed the ZaZ show. "I don't like it." "But that's ZaZ!"

Or worse, I ranted, "This was the worst, most boring, horrible Memorial Day weekend I've had in the last decade. What happened to all my boating buddies and I was sober for over half of the holiday. This sucks!"
"That's because you have me, Honey."

I had no argument.
Argh! Self-actualization!

Ed Williams
06-07-2005, 11:34 PM
...don't allow this potential domestication to actually actualize. A massive life style change for you would be terrible. Here are some choice morsels to consider:

1. You may love this woman now, but what about six months from now? A year from now? ZaZ, true love is one thing, but let's face it, once you've honed that same tulip a thousand or so times there's a good chance the novelty will wear off, at least it does in most cases. As one of my best friends puts, it, "***** has a short shelf life." I can't imagine a worse fate that living a lifestyle I didn't want to alongside someone who's exciting me about as much as a box of Tide detergent would.

2. Have you gotten a load of her relatives yet? If you snuggle up with her, you'll end up snuggling up with them. All we guys want to deny that, but, it's truer than a Neverland guard. And there's also a damn good chance that she'll look like her mom when all is said and done, so mull that over, too.

3. If she wants a nice house and stuff, kids will follow. Geez, ZaZ, you with a gaggle of yard apes? Too depressing to even think about.

It looks like this to me - eagles are meant to fly, road runners are meant to run, fish are meant to swim. All are meant to be free. As are you, ZaZ...

Sarita
06-07-2005, 11:36 PM
I think I'm starting to feel better.
Does that mean my job here is done? Yes! Away Sara! Away to save another lost soul.....


"I don't like it."
"But that's ZaZ!"
Huh. I think that answers all your questions, Island King.

ZaZ
06-07-2005, 11:39 PM
Let's talk about something else.
Wait, I've got to go get her highness's coffee ready.
There are good times, like what happened between a couple posts ago.
"Do what you want then I'll go back to sleep for awhile."
"Woo-hah!"

Don't worry, I'm not getting married. I'll shuck the yoke when necessary. We should be talking about Optimus' love life. It's much worse than mine.

Ed Williams
06-08-2005, 03:40 AM
...about relationships in general is pretty interesting, why don't you give us all your views on monogamy in general?

ZaZ
06-08-2005, 11:25 PM
Good question, Ed.

However, I'd rather talk about civilization as a whole. Monogamy is a side show in the circus of domestication of the human race. Naturally, we, being most males, would rather just run around the world humping anything with a flared and pink bouquet. Then again, we all have sisters and moms and aunts and even platonic friends where let's say, we're having dinner and just because Mom's flaring pink alarm is going off doesn't mean I want my filet mignon and 8 bottles of wine interrupted by some horny cro-magnon I work with or the waiter.

So, in essence, we must be somewhat civilized, if only for the sake of the ladies dearest to us.

Didn't the Bloodhound Gang say it best, "You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals so let's do it like they do on the Discovery channel," or "We can do it doggy style so we can both watch X-files."

Now, whether or not one could chase down a flaming pink bouquet in a setting where both X-files was available and doggy style was the preferred method is up in the air. Chance, maybe a little luck and a lot of vodka. Monogamy, however, would more than likely, allow one this act frequently and if you have Sci-Fi channel, almost every day around 3 pm CST.

But along with the convenience of timely sex, or just regular sex, blue ball mornings and cunnilingus until she flops around like a crappie out of the lake, comes the dreaded co-mingling of the genders.

Now, like you, I know many happy couples. Or at least they appear to me as happy and put up a fantastic front. Either way, I guess being able to appear happy is probably the other half of the scale weighed against the time one actually is happy.

I believe, in the end, monogamy both saves us from rampant criminal sexual anarchy while, at the same time, trapping us in a cage of frustration where the yoke of status binds us to some elemental goal called community and worse, subdivisions.

Neil Peart of Rush tried to help once, " Sprawling on the fringes of the city - In geometric order - An insulated border - In between the bright lights - And the far unlit unknown."

Nowhere is the dreamer or the mystic so alone than in the sprawl of useless human activity. Fly over a city. Where are all those little ants going?

XTC can tell you, "War planes go over but no wages go round. A sign goes up to say hey were twin towned. The dough is rising but no bread will be baked. The fur is genuine but the orgasms faked. Were spending millions to learn to speak porpoise, when human loneliness is still a deafening noise."

Which brings us to the observation of the common human and committed human's actions on the single woman or man. Women have it worse. Perhaps times have adapted in a group sense but at the individual level the single female or male is continually bombarded by the cohabitors. "I've got the perfect guy/gal for you."

Don't set me up. I can locate enough angst on my own.

I once tried a five year celibate experience. August 1, 1999, I was dating yet another redhead, this time in Texas. It was nearing my birthday and as a gift, I received tickets to go with the woman and her family to see Santana at the then monikered Starplex Amphitheatre in Dallas. This is a good gift. Plenty of dope in the crowd. So step-mother and I, who was my boss, oh yeah, stoopin' the bosses daughter, are partying it up. The redhead, we'll call her Sandpaper Legs for now, was a real stick in the mud.

Her stepmother/boss, however, was a riot. She and I are smokin' doobs with God knows where they came from and some rastafarians, a few travelin' circus freaks and anyone else willing to let their hair down. Husband of stepmother/boss-father of Sandpaper Legs looked down his nose at his wife and SL gave me the olfactory nonsense as well.

"Stepmother/boss, I'm going to dump your step-daughter tonight after the show and I'm never bothering with your entire gender again."
"Oh ZaZ, you're such a card!"
"Hah!"

After the show I returned to the lair of Sandpaper Legs, where lurked a tabby cat named Sam who for 2 years I had wanted to kick to Timbuktu. We entered the home of the world's most uncomfortable couch, the nastiest feline and I suddenly felt relief. I wasn't kidding. SL approaches with a wary grin and a wrapped gift.

"Uhhh, happy birthday."
"Keep it. Here's your keys. I hate you and everything you stand for. Goodbye."

I turned and it felt about as good as quitting a job and driving away. On that drive home, the eve of August 1, 1999, I swore I would become the Sex Camel. The only camel in the world with no humps and I stuck to it. 2000, 2001, 2002, 2003, I became the world's most eligible yet unsnaggable bachelor. I would flower women with drunken compliments. I'd listen to everything they said. Without the hassle of having one around all the time, I became accustomed to all of them, I almost became them.

I'd notice recent hair changes, beg for more disgusting eye shadow application and fawn over anyone with, "Hi, I'm a whore, you can tell just by my eye-liner." I was master of my own domain. Maybe I was in love with myself. I know I put in a lot of time with some Puff's kleenexes.

Then, the summer of 2004, Drinking Buddy is suffering. He's got this gargoyle of a girlfriend who claims he's the one while he's relegated to nailin' her in the five-hole against his will just to keep the peace. I watched him suffer. I laughed hard. "Look at that fool, beat down, miserable and stuck!"

Drinking Buddy retorted, "Soon, I will laugh at you for the same thing."
"Never!" I cried.

Drinking Buddy finally rids himself of the gargoyle and lo and behold what appears in the belfry of my own little holy carcass? A gargoyle of my own. Not his, thank God. I'd rather eat lint. But little by little, Drinking Buddy and I switched places. Now he laughs and I suffer and isn't it only a matter of time before I scream, "FREEDOMMMMMMMMMM!" like I'm Mel Gibson's Braveheart.

That, my friends, is monogamy. One step up from Celibacy but a faster way to get pissed off more often than necessary.

Ed Williams
06-09-2005, 02:40 AM
...I know exactly what you mean, it's almost like nature heads us in two different directions on this monagamy thing.

I like to think of us males in the context of the hunter analogy - you know, the male was designed to hunt, forage, and was also designed to spread his seed all over. That explanation can attempt to justify my past attempts to do the wang tango with any and all manner of sultry babes. Or semi-sultry babes. Or breathing babes, dependent on the nature of the particular social interaction situation. In the end, though, whether we pick her up at the service desk at the local Jiffy Lube or at a White House reception, honin' the tulip is honin' the tulip. That's an Eddie and the Cruisers bonafide fact.

All that being said, the other direction is the monogamy deal. Monogamy does have its advantages - it's pretty disease-free, and you can develop a close, lasting bond with your partner. The only thing is, the closer you get to a woman emotionally, the most sister-like it becomes, thus bringing forth the need yet again to spank the pink crusader against the backside of a Towaliga River trollop. Another negative that's an indisputable trait of monogamy - the more you get to know a woman, the more restrictive she becomes in what perversions you're allowed to inflict upon her. After about ten years or so of monogamy, you can forget battery powered butt plugs or any suggestion that you'd like to do both her and her best friend on Thanksgiving. It just ain't gonna happen.

ZaZ, I'm starting to think that high-priced call girls are the best option. You'd end up paying no more than a fancy dinner/dancing escapade, and you can go home and watch a good ballgame afterwards. Get plenty of sleep, too. No more calls in the morning requiring a two hour discussion of this "new phase of our relationship." All in all, the idea does have its plusses.

ZaZ, spread thyself to the females who need to know you and your love spike. Report back to us on your progress as necessary. And, the next time you want to discourse on something, please tell me why the old Warner Brothers cartoons (Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck, Foghorn Leghorn) are so much funnier than the old Walt Disney ones (Mickey, Minnie, Pluto)? That has had me wondering for a long time, everyone brags like hell on Disney, but Warner Brothers appears to me to be have been kicking their *** for years, even worse than that received by an El Segundo toll road clerk...

Renee
06-09-2005, 03:42 AM
Oh cool ya'll continue - I feel like a fly on the wall. :)

mommie4a
06-09-2005, 04:04 AM
Another negative that's an indisputable trait of monogamy - the more you get to know a woman, the more restrictive she becomes in what perversions you're allowed to inflict upon her. After about ten years or so of monogamy, you can forget battery powered butt plugs or any suggestion that you'd like to do both her and her best friend on Thanksgiving. It just ain't gonna happen.

If I'd written this, I might want to amend it to say, if a woman doesn't ask for more after she's hit the supposed peak in her mid to late 30s, then you (the male spouse) might be doomed to her becoming more restrictive. On the other hand, some women do go by the book and in fact, even though married, ascend to a peak where they then plateau and, ahem, in some cases, become more aggressive than their male partner.

Just saying I've, umm, heard about this being the case. Not making any personal statements here (that my husband would dislike being discussed publicly - even though he knows he's got it good).

samgail
06-09-2005, 05:53 AM
If they only knew Mommie, if they only knew!
Who are we kidding, they wouldn't be able to handle it.
Um, or so I've heard.

mommie4a
06-09-2005, 06:01 AM
If they only knew Mommie, if they only knew!
Who are we kidding, they wouldn't be able to handle it.
Um, or so I've heard.

Tell me about it. My husband still thinks I'm possessed - for the last seven years!

maestrowork
06-09-2005, 06:29 AM
Tell me about it. My husband still thinks I'm possessed - for the last seven years!

I know all about you... heh heh

oswann
06-09-2005, 11:09 AM
It's a cruel joke by a capricious God which allows men to peak out sexually before they have a coherent thought in their heads and women to not be interested until the men are looking for their slippers and the evening newspaper.


Os.

oswann
06-09-2005, 12:15 PM
Let's talk about something else.
Wait, I've got to go get her highness's coffee ready.
There are good times, like what happened between a couple posts ago.
"Do what you want then I'll go back to sleep for awhile."
"Woo-hah!"

Don't worry, I'm not getting married. I'll shuck the yoke when necessary. We should be talking about Optimus' love life. It's much worse than mine.


Opti's love life doesn't make me feel as if I have popped an upper.


Os.

arrowqueen
06-10-2005, 02:18 AM
Away and read the Satyricon. That'll teach yese!

Ed Williams
06-10-2005, 07:06 PM
...celebrating the weekend, would you perhaps consider giving us a preview of what you have planned? Sunday School? A literary tea, perhaps? Or maybe a night at the opera? Inquiring minds want to know...

oswann
06-10-2005, 07:10 PM
Put me down on the Zaz subscription plan too.


Os.

Renee
06-11-2005, 12:47 AM
Lemme guess. Banging the red-head. Stop looking at me like that! That's what ZaZ would say..

ZaZ
06-11-2005, 03:22 AM
Thursday around 6:13 pm, I found myself approximately 110 yards from the pin on the par 5 eighteenth hole at the Lakeview Executive Golf Course. The match was all square and my opponent, a light swinging fairway player, awaited my shot as he sat about 20 yards ahead of me on the other side of the fairway debating between his wedge or a chunky 9 iron.

With bunkers front left and all around the back of the green the smart shot was to play to the right side. The pin was located mid-left of the center of the green with a downslope vacuuming backspin or short shots into the front bunker protecting it.

I knew the light hitter would drop one about 20 feet from the pin and two-putt for par. He's a conservative. So Republican he doesn't even know it. It's in the blood. I was aiming left. I had to pick the ball up clean from the turf and loft it high to get it to stick on the slope. Any backspin and I would be beached. The sand game was on and I had gotten up and down three times on the previous 17 holes out of three chances.

I gripped my pitching wedge and lined up for a practice swing. I took a toupee' sized divot to get my normal cut out of the way. Backed up a step and practiced the swing I was going to need while visualizing the ball plop dead at least pin-high. Ol' light hitter barfed, "You'll hit the trap!"

"Shut up, cornhole."

I dropped the Camel Filter to the turf, backed off the ball and walked to the cart for a sip of beer. A stiff walk to the ball and a clear head. See no evil, be the ball, " I was born to love you. I was born to lick your face. I was born to rub you, but you were born to rub me first." (http://www.moviequotes.com/fullquote.cgi?qnum=306)

*Whack*

The beat-up Titelist 3 soared high in the sky. It felt good off the club but as the ball plummeted quickly to the surface, the Light Hitter began to chant, "Beach! Beach! Beach! Beach!" In slow motion, the ball cut off a round chunk of the lip of the bunker as it dropped like a fried egg into the bottom of the dune. I told you so's were in the air.

"Don't burn any worms, Jackhole."

The light hitter steps up to his ball and hits a lazy line drive which bounces three times and rolls to the right fringe. I picked up my lung dart, chugged the beer and started talking to my sand wedge.

"Alright, you bastard, all I need is one more shot out of you. Just get me to within 8 feet."

Luckily, I had landed close to the rake so I didn't have to wander around the lip staring into the eye of the beast. I could see half the pin from my perspective in the trap and there was sand between my toes. Opening the face of the wedge and aiming behind target was about the worst way to clean a fried egg from the sand but I leered at the tiny crystals of evil in front of the Titleist with renewed vigor.

Having let a two-hole lead slip through my fingers coming in I was almost feeling competitive. Quicker than normal backswing and a slam to the turf brought a shower of sand in the face and the ball chugged slowly up into the air, landed atop the lip of the bunker, seemed to think for just a moment and then fell backwards rolling to a stop two feet from my sand divot.

The light hitter fell to the turf in laughter. I groaned at the sand wedge as we lined up just trying to get out of the beach. No thinking, just hit it. Up it plops and I lose sight of it as it drops out of view and bounces on the putting surface.

"Noooooooooooooooooooo."

Oh yes, she dropped for par. Now NumbNuts was forced to two-putt to halve. I picked my ball from the hole and stood out of view on the fringe smoking. Yadda yadda yadda, the light hitter three-putted, bought drinks for the remainder of the evening, which went until 2:25 am. From what I hear, he missed work. I didn't. I banged the redhead.

Friday night, stay mellow, try not to cause any trouble. Fail. No really, I plan on drinking lightly, smoking heavily and leering at the other humans with spite and some kind of digusted intent.

Saturday is an all day wakeboarding and drinking event known as my sister's fiance's bachelor party. I've been put in charge of making sure no strippers appear. I guess that's what the only brother of the bride has to do. So, I've got some nasty Asian woman with a propensity for lighting cigarettes with matches in her pasties. She let's them burn down. Get's a little smile on her face. I don't know how I found her. I've never met her before in my life. Honest.

Sunday, bang the redhead.

In response to Ed's correct assumption about looney tunes, I give you the best looney tunes character, Slowpoke Rodriguez.

http://www.geocities.com/candide_/slowpoke.jpg

Sylvester, per usual, is trying to crash the Siesta de Speedy Gonzalez and ends up running out of gas trying to catch the little bastard. But he finds out about Slow Poke and decides it must be easier to catch him compared to Speedy. He has poor little Slowpoke in his clutches and is about to eat him when we hear, "Heyy putty tat, watch out for Slow Poke Rodriguez. He pack a gun."

To which, Slow Poke pulls out a revolver about the size of Sylvester's head and blows him away. Ahhh, good stuff.

Pepe' le Pew comes in a close second.

T-minus 2 hours to the bar.

ZaZ
06-11-2005, 10:03 PM
Pot cookies and way too many Republicans.
There's your Friday night wrap-up.

Ed Williams
06-13-2005, 05:39 AM
...when the mood strikes, give us your weekend summation. Or hell, just the Sunday summation would be fine, did you and the redhead go several rounds, or did you outdo Tyson and go the full 15?

Sarita
06-13-2005, 02:32 PM
Pot cookies and way too many Republicans.
Sounds like my weekend... sans cookies. :ROFL:

ZaZ
06-15-2005, 03:35 AM
Come see the violence inherent in the system.
Help! Help! I'm being repressed!

mdmkay
06-19-2005, 09:34 PM
If I'd written this, I might want to amend it to say, if a woman doesn't ask for more after she's hit the supposed peak in her mid to late 30s, then you (the male spouse) might be doomed to her becoming more restrictive. On the other hand, some women do go by the book and in fact, even though married, ascend to a peak where they then plateau and, ahem, in some cases, become more aggressive than their male partner.

Just saying I've, umm, heard about this being the case. Not making any personal statements here (that my husband would dislike being discussed publicly - even though he knows he's got it good).

Hmmmm interesting, Jill............I heard that too and its amazing how long it can last.........I wouldn't know personally.......just something I heard:)



Lemme guess. Banging the red-head. Stop looking at me like that! That's what ZaZ would say


She does seem to have his nether hair in a bit of a tangle.....oops Zaz is infectious with that potty mouth of his:popcorn: