Techy fun
- Thread starter ChunkyC
- Start date
Thanks, CC! Needed the laugh. Of course, I still have Windows ME. Problems are an every minute occurance.
From a few years ago....
Bill Gates recently reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the line in the road, you'd have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Apple Computer would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive .. but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water, temperature and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This car has performed an illegal operation" warning light.
7.. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced, a car buyer would have to learn how to drive all over again, because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "start" button to turn the engine off."
Bill Gates recently reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the line in the road, you'd have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Apple Computer would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive .. but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water, temperature and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This car has performed an illegal operation" warning light.
7.. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced, a car buyer would have to learn how to drive all over again, because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "start" button to turn the engine off."
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Aw, poor Paperclip! hehe. But I won at Solataire! 
That was too cute, Charlie. Thanks so much! I needed it after the day I had with my computer yesterday. Come to think of it, I think that's the version of Windows I have!
That was too cute, Charlie. Thanks so much! I needed it after the day I had with my computer yesterday. Come to think of it, I think that's the version of Windows I have!
LOL! I showed my daughter and told her the last file she downloaded ruined her computer. She is laying on her bed with the door locked and i can hear her muffled sobs through her pillow. hee hee.
Next i will disconnect the phone.
Har har, thanks, it was worth the laugh.
Next i will disconnect the phone.
Har har, thanks, it was worth the laugh.
And now, my absolute favorite e-mail, sent by a propellorhead buddy of mine....
***************
Bud Abbott and Lou Costello's infamous sketch "Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT . . . .
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, lets just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?
ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I also want to see reel 2, 3 & 4. Can I watch them?
ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue "1".
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?
ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows!"
ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.
COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.
COSTELLO: Stop! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? They own it!
A FEW DAYS LATER . . .
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START"..........
***************
Bud Abbott and Lou Costello's infamous sketch "Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT . . . .
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, lets just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?
ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I also want to see reel 2, 3 & 4. Can I watch them?
ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue "1".
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?
ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows!"
ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.
COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.
COSTELLO: Stop! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? They own it!
A FEW DAYS LATER . . .
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START"..........
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Re: Abbott/Costello: Sounds like the conversations my husband and I have when I'm trying to play tech support! AARRRGGGGHHH!!
Loved the media player jazz on the Windows RG!
Loved the media player jazz on the Windows RG!
ChunkyC said:
ROFLMAO (Of course I'm picturing hauling the engine components out of a car and then putting them all back again... where did this piece come from?)
daoine -- to the best of my knowledge, this is someone's recollection of what a GM exec actually said in response to Gates' comments. Then again, it could be an urban rumour. Either way, I thought it was pretty dang funny when it hit my inbox.
Hee hee, I didn't read my post properly. Sorry Chunky, I was being facetious - I was picturing myself, having reinstalled my car's engine, finding a motor part that I left out and scratching my head wondering where the piece of car came from.
Okay -- so these three Microsoft employees are driving back to Redmond from a company retreat and the brakes fail while going down a long hill. Fortunately, the driver manages to keep the car under control and they coast to a stop at the bottom.
"Wow," says the guy from marketing, "we should form a committee, and schedule some meetings so that we can determine the best course of action to take in order to discover what happened here."
"Nah," says the programming engineer, "let's just take the thing apart until we come across the piece that failed."
"You're both way off base," says the guy from the help desk. "Push it back up the hill and see if it does it again."
Last edited:
My darling daughter just sent me this one....
---------------------------------------------
[font=Verdana, sans-serif]
Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days ... and frankly, God was tired of hearing all the bickering.[/font] [font=Verdana, sans-serif]Finally fed up, God said, "That's it! I've had enough. I'm going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job."[/font]
[font=Verdana, sans-serif]So Satan and Jesus sat down at their keyboards and typed away.[/font]
[font=Verdana, sans-serif]They moused.
They faxed.
They e-mailed.
They e-mailed with attachments.
They downloaded.
They did spreadsheets.
They wrote reports.
They created labels and cards.
They created charts and graphs.
They did some genealogy reports.
They did every computer job known to man.[/font]
[font=Verdana, sans-serif]Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan ... well, Satan was faster than hell. Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky; thunder rolled; rain poured; and, of course, the power went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed.[/font]
[font=Verdana, sans-serif]Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming, "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"[/font]
[font=Verdana, sans-serif]Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work. Satan observed this and became irate.[/font]
[font=Verdana, sans-serif]"Wait!" he screamed. "That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?"[/font]
[font=Verdana, sans-serif]God just shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."[/font]
---------------------------------------------
[font=Verdana, sans-serif]
Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days ... and frankly, God was tired of hearing all the bickering.[/font] [font=Verdana, sans-serif]Finally fed up, God said, "That's it! I've had enough. I'm going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job."[/font]
[font=Verdana, sans-serif]So Satan and Jesus sat down at their keyboards and typed away.[/font]
[font=Verdana, sans-serif]They moused.
They faxed.
They e-mailed.
They e-mailed with attachments.
They downloaded.
They did spreadsheets.
They wrote reports.
They created labels and cards.
They created charts and graphs.
They did some genealogy reports.
They did every computer job known to man.[/font]
[font=Verdana, sans-serif]Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan ... well, Satan was faster than hell. Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky; thunder rolled; rain poured; and, of course, the power went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed.[/font]
[font=Verdana, sans-serif]Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming, "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"[/font]
[font=Verdana, sans-serif]Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work. Satan observed this and became irate.[/font]
[font=Verdana, sans-serif]"Wait!" he screamed. "That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?"[/font]
[font=Verdana, sans-serif]God just shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."[/font]
If you feel a little techno-challenged....
...don't feel too bad. Check out these calls to tech support:
===============================
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one....
===============
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good. I'll make a note.
Customer: No ...... wait a minute...... I hadn't inserted it yet. It's still on my desk........ Sorry.......
===============
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
===============
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen, pal, don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates!
===============
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha. I can't print.
Every time I try, it says "Can't find printer." I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it....
===============
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.
===============
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me.
===============
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK.
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah.........that one does work.
===============
Tech support: Your password is the small letter A, as in apple, a capital letter V, as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
===============
Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five dots.
===============
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
===============
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
===============
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter A in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?
===============
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer....
Tech support: Are you running it under Windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."
...don't feel too bad. Check out these calls to tech support:
===============================
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one....
===============
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good. I'll make a note.
Customer: No ...... wait a minute...... I hadn't inserted it yet. It's still on my desk........ Sorry.......
===============
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
===============
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen, pal, don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates!
===============
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha. I can't print.
Every time I try, it says "Can't find printer." I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it....
===============
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.
===============
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me.
===============
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK.
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah.........that one does work.
===============
Tech support: Your password is the small letter A, as in apple, a capital letter V, as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
===============
Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five dots.
===============
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
===============
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
===============
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter A in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?
===============
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer....
Tech support: Are you running it under Windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."
Hey, CC, there should have been a beverage alert with post #19. I wonder if Windows comes with an automatic glass cleaner. Maybe I should call tech support....
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