What's worse: your being ashamed of your kids, or your kids' being ashamed of you?

Plot Device · Feb 6, 2009

This can apply to any kids of any age: little tots, teenagers, and even up to full grown adults who have moved out of the house (or who will NEVER move out of the house).

As a parent, what will haunt your soul more wrenchingly:
-- That they can't look YOU in the eye, or that you can't look THEM in the eye?
-- That people whisper amongst themselves their pity over YOUR anguish, or their pity over your kids' anguish?

regdog · Feb 6, 2009

I don't have any kids but I embarrass the rest of my family

just by being me.

They all think I'm loony,

KTC · Feb 6, 2009

I don't know what it would take for me to feel ashamed of my kids. I don't really comprehend.

cray · Feb 6, 2009

i'd want my kids to be able to look at themselves in the mirror.

Yeshanu · Feb 6, 2009

regdog said:
I don't have any kids but I embarrass the rest of my family just by being me.

They all think I'm loony,

To me, there's a difference between embarrassment and shame. I embarrass my kids all the time, and tell them it's part of my job description.

But to have them ashamed of me would be truly mortifying for me.

I expect that to have me ashamed of them would be upsetting for them as well, but that's their burden. In fact, it's how I managed to raise them to be wonderful adults without ever once spanking them. All I had to do was say that I was disappointed with their behaviour, and they'd make an effort to change. But I didn't say it often, nor did I need to.

KTC · Feb 6, 2009

yes. big difference between embarrassment and shame. not even in the same neighbourhood.

Clair Dickson · Feb 6, 2009

Kids are frequently ashamed, embarrassed and appalled by their parents. Like when the parents don't know the cool music or dress in a certain way or such.

Though, really, it comes down to the act. It'd be worse for the kids to be ashamed that Mom went to jail for peddling meth than for the parents to be ashamed that the kids got arrested for sending nekkid pictures to their high school sweetie. Parents should know better, but the severity of the action in question is also a huge factor.

scarletpeaches · Feb 6, 2009

I can't look myself in the face sometimes.

CaroGirl · Feb 6, 2009

I don't think I could stand to be ashamed of my kids. I think I would feel like a failure as a parent if I ever felt that way about them. I'd wonder what I did wrong.

I could live with it if they were ashamed of me, though. When they're teenagers, they might go through that. Teenagers, with all their swirling, hormonal emotions, could easily have embarrassment morph into shame. I'm okay with that. I'd hope they'd just come back around to me when they became adults. I live my life the best way I know how. Yes, I make mistakes, but I should hope they wouldn't be longstanding, shameful mistakes. Who knows, though.

Greenify13 · Feb 6, 2009

I went with being ashamed of my kid...If you are ashamed of your kid you must have done a bad job in the first place. If they are ashamed of me, well they'll get over it....

scarletpeaches · Feb 6, 2009

Greenify13 said:
I went with being ashamed of my kid...If you are ashamed of your kid you must have done a bad job in the first place. If they are ashamed of me, well they'll get over it....

Pfft.

Some parents are ashamed of their kids because they deserve it.

Greenify13 · Feb 6, 2009

scarletpeaches said:
Pfft.

Some parents are ashamed of their kids because they deserve it.

Okay good point, there is only so much you can do in the aspect of raising your children, there comes a point in time when they take matters into their own hands and decide whether to keep the values you teach them or not. However there are times, when you have to wonder if they learned all they needed to in the first place.

Shadow_Ferret · Feb 6, 2009

What am I, or they, ashamed of? Guess I don't understand the underlying reasoning behind the question.

At the moment, no one is ashamed of anyone, so I have no idea how to answer this.

Williebee · Feb 6, 2009

It's not a black and white question.
How old are the kids?

If I'm ashamed of my kids, it might mean I've failed them somewhere along the parenting road. If I've taught them to be adults, and THEN they do something stupid? Not so much.

If anybody is ashamed of me, maybe I've done something to deserve it. I'm usually willing to look at that possibility. (I do "getting it wrong" really well sometimes.)
But, if not. F* it. I'm only the moral center of me.

WriteKnight · Feb 6, 2009

I'm kind of confused by the question. It assumes that we have some sort of controll over other peoples (our children's) emotions and thoughts concerning us.

Is that the assumption you are working off of?

James81 · Feb 6, 2009

My kids being ashamed of me, of course. What other way IS there to vote?

I mean, the only person I can control is me. If I am shameful in some way, it's my own damn fault I don't change.

Plot Device · Feb 6, 2009

Shadow_Ferret said:
What am I, or they, ashamed of? Guess I don't understand the underlying reasoning behind the question.

At the moment, no one is ashamed of anyone, so I have no idea how to answer this.

This is an entirely hypothetical question, and I deliberately left the potential scenarios very broad to allow anyone to fill in the blank with their own potential situation.

Plot Device · Feb 6, 2009

WriteKnight said:
I'm kind of confused by the question. It assumes that we have some sort of controll over other peoples (our children's) emotions and thoughts concerning us.

Is that the assumption you are working off of?

No. The truth is I have been reading about end-of-life issues and finding that the word "regret" comes up a lot in the philosophizing of older people. As far as what exactly it is they regret, sometimes it's what they have done, or sometimes it's what they have failed to do or accomplish (chances they never took).

When they expand the scope of their regrets beyond their own actions and include their children's actions, the regrets take on an entirely different dimension.

Another really deep thing I once had told to me was by my film professor who said: "Most young adults spend their time dreaming about the future. But after a certain age you reach a point where all you do it lament over the past. And THAT is when you are TRULY an old person." That was a very haunting statement.

Now not ALL old people are grouchy old coots who sit around all day grumbling and cursing and simmering in the stew of their own lifetime full of regrets. But some are. And as I have tried to contemplate the nature of such regrets, and even the composition of such regrets, I decided to start asking people about it.

So ... here I am.

What's worse: your being ashamed of your kids, or your kids' being ashamed of you?

What's worse: your being ashamed of your kids, or your kids' being ashamed of you?

It's worse if I am ashamed of my kids.

It's worse if my kids are ashamed of me.

I'll need to ponder this one for a while.

Plot Device

A woman said to write like a man.

regdog

The Scavengers

KTC

Stand in the Place Where You Live

cray

Superior Life form

Yeshanu

Elf Queen

KTC

Stand in the Place Where You Live

Clair Dickson

A dark core to every cloud

scarletpeaches

CaroGirl

Living the dream

Greenify13

Fair Maiden of War.

scarletpeaches

Greenify13

Fair Maiden of War.

Shadow_Ferret

Court Jester

Williebee

Capeless, wingless, & yet I fly.

WriteKnight

Arranger Of Disorder

James81

Great Scott Member

Plot Device

A woman said to write like a man.

Plot Device

A woman said to write like a man.