Talking someone off a ledge...

thethinker42 · Feb 3, 2009

Serious post here...

Someone just popped on IM with me and is talking about taking his own life. I know him well enough to know he's probably not kidding. I'm assuming since he's talking to me, it's a cry for help of some sort...but with him, it's hard to tell.

What the hell do I say?

I've gone through the "it's not the answer", "people do care about you", etc. I've asked him questions, tried to keep him telling me what's going on/why he's thinking about it, tried to get him to talk about the good things in his life...you know, trying to listen more than anything, but also try to reassure him. I've suggested counseling numerous times in the past as well as tonight.

I'm really at a loss. I don't want to sound patronizing, but I'm not sure what to say. As I've said in previous posts, I come from a family that sucks at communicating when it comes to difficult topics...that fact is not helping at the moment.

Help?

alleycat · Feb 3, 2009

Get him to call a crisis hot line? Do you have one locally?

Until then, get him to delay taking any action. Remind him that he can always make his choice later. Get him to promise to wait. Nothing has to be decided tonight.

Remind him he's not alone.

Sorry for the poor arrangement of words. I'm assuming time is of the essence.

thethinker42 · Feb 4, 2009

alleycat said:
Get him to call a crisis hot line? Do you have one locally?

Tried it. He won't call.

Until then, get him to delay taking any action. Remind him that he can also make his choice later. Get him to promise to wait.

Sweet, I hadn't thought of that.

Sorry for the poor arrangement of words. I'm assuming time is of the essence.

Not a problem, and yes, quicker is better. I've still got him on IM, just trying to keep him talking to me.

alleycat · Feb 4, 2009

Has he been drinking or doing drugs?

Phoebe H · Feb 4, 2009

I don't know how much help this will be...

Just today I could overhear half of a mental health hotline conversation. They started by asking if these were specific thoughts, or more general passive thoughts. Then they asked if they had a plan.

Since they *didn't* have a plan, they went on to the more general sorts of things you have already talked about. But if they had...I know that's when you worry, but I don't know specifically where you would go from there.

The times I have had to talk someone down, I have tried to focus on specific areas of hope for the future. Things they are looking forward to. People who love them. And about how the bad times pass. Specifics are good, because they take you away from the general foreboding, to things you can actually comprehend.

The times I have been close myself, it's because I lost faith that things could get better.

Bleh. I'm not trained in this, and I don't know if that helps, but there it is.

Good luck with this; I'll send you (and him) all the good thoughts I've got.

thethinker42 · Feb 4, 2009

alleycat said:
Has he been drinking or doing drugs?

Not that I'm aware of. He seems very coherent. No different than when I talk to him at other times, just obviously distraught.

thethinker42 · Feb 4, 2009

Phoebe H said:
Just today I could overhear half of a mental health hotline conversation. They started by asking if these were specific thoughts, or more general passive thoughts. Then they asked if they had a plan.

Since they *didn't* have a plan, they went on to the more general sorts of things you have already talked about. But if they had...I know that's when you worry, but I don't know specifically where you would go from there.

I just asked. He does. Shit.

The times I have had to talk someone down, I have tried to focus on specific areas of hope for the future. Things they are looking forward to. People who love them. And about how the bad times pass. Specifics are good, because they take you away from the general foreboding, to things you can actually comprehend.

We've talked about that, as much as I can get him to...he insists even the best things in his life are negative, people hate him, he's a failure, etc. Trying to steer it to something positive, at least get him to see that things can get better.

Joe270 · Feb 4, 2009

I'm not the best person to respond, but I'll give it a shot.

Let me preface with an understanding that I consider suicide, with very few exceptions, a really stupid act.

Does this person have any passion about anything? Art, writing, politics, whatever, anything that will lose some valuable input from him/her will suffer from h/h loss.

Is this person a valued member of a family, will their loss harm those h/she leaves behind?

Harshly, does this dumbass need a slap across the face to understand that they don't have the right to disrupt your life and others for their crap?

Does h/s have those who depend upon them? The 'easy way' isn't fair to them, not by any stretch.

Are they on meds, all joking aside, and can they understand they need help?

If you suspect they want attention, the simple statement that no one will attend any funeral, and there will be the minimum because you can't afford any memorial, and that you will literally piss and shit on h/her grave and encourage others to come with like manure might put them off the 'glory' of suicide.

alleycat · Feb 4, 2009

Keep reminding him he's not alone.

Ask him if he's every felt completely hopeless before. Didn't it pass eventually. Remind him that if he makes a decision to take his own life, he won't be able to change his mind later.

PROMISE TO WAIT. YOU PROMISE? YOU SWEAR TO ME? WE CAN TALK MORE.

AmandaAcidic · Feb 4, 2009

If you think he really is going to take his life tonight. Call someone. Call 911. My friend was saying goodbye to me one night when she was talking about taking her life. I tried for a little while to talk her out of it. But she just kept saying goodbye. I didn't wait to see if she meant it, I called 911.

She wouldn't talk to me for awhile. But she told later that I saved her life that night. I would rather have had her hate me forever than have her dead.

thethinker42 · Feb 4, 2009

Does this person have any passion about anything? Art, writing, politics, whatever, anything that will lose some valuable input from him/her will suffer from h/h loss.

He doesn't think so.

Is this person a valued member of a family, will their loss harm those h/she leaves behind?

He doesn't believe so. His only brother committed suicide three years ago, so I'm trying to explain to him that suicide will do to his family/friends what his brother's suicide already has. Not working.

Harshly, does this dumbass need a slap across the face to understand that they don't have the right to disrupt your life and others for their crap?

He honestly believes that his death will bring peace to people in his life, though I've tried to explain that that's the farthest from the truth. Believe me, I'm tempted to give a little tough love, smack across the face, but that's exactly why I posted this...I don't want to say the wrong thing and push him farther.

Does h/s have those who depend upon them? The 'easy way' isn't fair to them, not by any stretch.

No dependents. Yet another reason he wants to do this...loneliness.

Are they on meds, all joking aside, and can they understand they need help?

No meds, refuses counseling.

If you suspect they want attention, the simple statement that no one will attend any funeral, and there will be the minimum because you can't afford any memorial, and that you will literally piss and shit on h/her grave and encourage others to come with like manure might put them off the 'glory' of suicide.

I don't think that's the case with him. He already thinks no one will notice his disappearance, and that in fact most people in his life will probably be happy about it.

Phoebe H · Feb 4, 2009

AmandaAcidic said:
If you think he really is going to take his life tonight. Call someone. Call 911. My friend was saying goodbye to me one night when she was talking about taking her life. I tried for a little while to talk her out of it. But she just kept saying goodbye. I didn't wait to see if she meant it, I called 911.

She wouldn't talk to me for awhile. But she told later that I saved her life that night. I would rather have had her hate me forever than have her dead.

Exactly this. Do you know where he is, or do you know someone who does?

thethinker42 · Feb 4, 2009

alleycat said:
Keep reminding him he's not alone.

Ask him if he's every felt completely hopeless before. Didn't it pass eventually. Remind him that if he makes a decision to take his own life, he won't be able to change his mind later.

PROMISE TO WAIT. YOU PROMISE? YOU SWEAR TO ME? WE CAN TALK MORE.

Duly noted.

AmandaAcidic said:
If you think he really is going to take his life tonight. Call someone. Call 911. My friend was saying goodbye to me one night when she was talking about taking her life. I tried for a little while to talk her out of it. But she just kept saying goodbye. I didn't wait to see if she meant it, I called 911.

She wouldn't talk to me for awhile. But she told later that I saved her life that night. I would rather have had her hate me forever than have her dead.

If I knew where he lived, I'd be all over that. Trust me. From what he's saying, I'm starting to wonder if that's why he's talking to me specifically - because I don't know where he lives, and if he decides to do it, I can't stop him.

thethinker42 · Feb 4, 2009

Phoebe H said:
Exactly this. Do you know where he is, or do you know someone who does?

The only thing I know is the city, and it's a major city. No idea where in that city he lives. I don't even have his telephone number, or I'd at least call HIM.

AmandaAcidic · Feb 4, 2009

thethinker42 said:
If I knew where he lived, I'd be all over that. Trust me. From what he's saying, I'm starting to wonder if that's why he's talking to me specifically - because I don't know where he lives, and if he decides to do it, I can't stop him.

Well. Shit. Can you try to get him to tell you?

alleycat · Feb 4, 2009

Tell him absolutely: I WANT YOU TO LIVE.

Phoebe H · Feb 4, 2009

You know, can you call a suicide hotline, and have a professional talk you through what to type? He doesn't have to know that's what you're doing.

thethinker42 · Feb 4, 2009

AmandaAcidic said:
Well. Shit. Can you try to get him to tell you?

His answer? "No. You'll try to stop me."

alleycat said:
Tell him absolutely: I WANT YOU TO LIVE.

Noted and repeated.

thethinker42 · Feb 4, 2009

Phoebe H said:
You know, can you call a suicide hotline, and have a professional talk you through what to type? He doesn't have to know that's what you're doing.

That sounds like a good idea...

Phoebe H · Feb 4, 2009

If the above options are unavailable, call your local emergency number or the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK.

AmandaAcidic · Feb 4, 2009

do you have a number? I happen to know one if you need one.

thethinker42 · Feb 4, 2009

Got the suicide line on the phone...and my friend just went offline.

FUCK. C'mon, log back in...

AmandaAcidic · Feb 4, 2009

Call anyway. Tell them what happened.

thethinker42 · Feb 4, 2009

AmandaAcidic said:
Call anyway. Tell them what happened.

I'm on with them right now. Just trying to see if he'll come back on.

alleycat · Feb 4, 2009

thethinker42 said:
Got the suicide line on the phone...and my friend just went offline.

FUCK. C'mon, log back in...

Don't sweat it yet. I'm betting he'll come back in five or ten minutes.

Talking someone off a ledge...

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