Possibly the weirdest week of my life...

Mr Flibble · Jan 30, 2009

Yes, well. It has been pretty damn odd.

For a long time, actually as far back as I can remember, I've had what my doc called 'bipolar tendencies'. That is I have similar highs and lows but not very extreme. In fact sometimes barely noticeable. They never lasted long, or made me do anything completely stupid - that was just me

However for the past year ( coincidence that this started when I stopped playing at writing and decided to do it properly?) it's been getting worse. Nothing I couldn't cope with, but on a down I had begun to think taht maybe, say I shouldn't have had kids because I'm so crap at being a mum, or that my hubby woudl be better off with a half decent wife who maye liked house work or...and that maybe I shoul drun away to a cave in Scotland or something. Althougha cave with internet and a handy pub obviously.

And then it got worse again. Three highs, three crashes in four months. By far the worst was on tuesday. I can even pinpoint the exact time. There I was , happily tra la laing along, happy as a high clam, then BAM!!! Like an unexpected meteor strike, the black hole came to get me. I had some kind of episode. I don't know how to describe it exactly, apart from it was the complete opposite of an out of body experience and I know now what utter despair tastes like. Yes, it has a taste. It is not nice.

And to be honest it scared the crap out of me.

So, after a struggle to actually get an appointment with the doc this week, I have the start of an answer. Yes, I am definately bipolar. Probably rapid cycling. Nice.

Not only that, the meds I was on are highly unsuitable for me, in fact probably made things worse. And my doc can't / won't prescribe anything till I've had a psych exam. Which, this being the NHS, could be weeks away. I have nice phone number for if I want to top myself though.

So the last few days have passed in a haze of weirdness, though the black hole has receded somewhat. Saying I feel pretty bizarre does not do this justice.

So there you have it. I am offically a whackjob.

regdog · Jan 30, 2009

Perks · Jan 30, 2009

That's fine. Don't top yourself, though. We look for your posts and your descriptions of the taste of awful and hope good things for you.

Hold to that number and to the people who find you interesting and to those who love you regardless of your difficulties.

Stay here. We're open 24/7.

I'm sorry you're having to do this.

Sophia · Jan 31, 2009

Please come here any time you feel that black hole. These disorders are so rubbish to have. Try to hold on to the fact that it's purely a chemical thing, and says absolutely nothing about your worth in any sense. You're great, neighbourino!

Mr Flibble · Jan 31, 2009

Thanks guys, and for those of you who repped me.

It's been interesting, to say the least. And I can use this in a book, right? Always gotta look on the bright side.

Thump · Jan 31, 2009

Awww *hugs even tho you're a complete stranger*

Think of it from a positive light, you'll have experienced such different emotions that your writing can only get better, right?

*gives you virtual cookies and a mug of hot chocolate*

Phoebe H · Jan 31, 2009

I'm sorry this is something you're dealing with. But now you know and there are *lots* of tools available.

And at least you caught it on the down end. We didn't figure out my fiance was bipolar until she pulled a knife on a coworker about eight months ago. (She's doing great now, and even still has that job -- thank god for tenure.)

qwerty · Jan 31, 2009

IdiotsRUs said:
coincidence that this started when I stopped playing at writing and decided to do it properly?

Probably not. As I understand it (which isn't a lot) creativity, striving for achievement and gaining achievement is associated with the condition.

I had begun to think that maybe, say I shouldn't have had kids because I'm so crap at being a mum, or that my hubby would be better off with a half decent wife who maye liked house work or...

Don't even go there. I don't have a diagnosed condition to explain it, but I think I was a crap mum, and I don't do grandparenting properly either. Still, my grown-up kids tell me they liked what I am/was, and my hubs wouldn't have enjoyed a housework-loving partner as much as the I Need To Do My Own Thing sort of wife he got.

Not only that, the meds I was on are highly unsuitable for me, in fact probably made things worse.

So now they have to sort the right meds to suit you rather than exacerbate the condition. Hang in there, that will happen. Meanwhile, people are here 24/7 for you to talk to. Even if some are asleep at the time. I'm only an hour ahead of you and will watch out for postings on this thread. The fact that you are talking openly is a healthy sign, and your sense of humour is a bonus.

Darzian · Jan 31, 2009

It's bad enough feeling terrible when things are terrible, but feeling terrible when they aren't must be even more terrible!
:Hug2:

When feeling really down, just think of everything you've achieved in life, big or small. Every person has value and I've learned that from the place where I live. I do hope it's curable.

Serenity · Jan 31, 2009

I'll echo: hang in there. It is a process, and you have step number one down pat: admission. I work with troubled kids, the majority of which are bipolar with depressive issues. The hardest thing for them to grasp and deal with (at least for the older ones) is the admission that they are, indeed, bipolar.

My advice from experience in observation is don't let the length of time it may take get you down or make you want to give up. A lot of the meds used to treat bipolar issues vary in their effectiveness from person to person and can take anywhere from 2 to 4 weeks to settle into the system and begin working effectively. Unfortunately, there is no quick fix here.

But, YOU CAN DO IT. And as others have said here, talk about it. Write it down here, or elsewhere. Not only can that help you, but it can also help your doctor as well to judge the severity of the shifts.

Mega :Hug2:

Mr Flibble · Jan 31, 2009

Thanks guys

Am starting to feel a bit better ( rapid cycling benefit yay!) and met up with my writers' group today, which helped - giggling over stuff always helps

And they didn't savage me too much with their crits, so bonus!

Thanks again.

Fenika · Jan 31, 2009

Embrace the creative drive. Just don't burn it when the black hole tells you too. If nothing else step away and it will still be around when the creative drive returns.

And keep a picture of Tank Girl handy

CACTUSWENDY · Jan 31, 2009

Hugs to you.

If you think this might make for some insight for a book....be sure to keep a diary about all of it. It will be interesting for you to look back and see how the roller coaster ride goes through all the turns and twists. Consider it a fact finding tirp. (no offense intended here....)

Just make sure when the lows hit that you are in here with us or close to those that love you there. Feel free to dump your loads of thoughts when ever the mood strikes......

MoonWriter · Jan 31, 2009

I'm glad you're feeling better, wackjob.

I hope your lows never get as low as your lowest high. :Hug2:

HeronW · Jan 31, 2009

Hugs and holding you by the ears--my dad was bipolar. We knew this yet it was never mentioned. The mood swings were exacerbated with alcohol and improved somewhat when he became sober and stayed so for 7 yrs until he died. Why didn't we get help for that? No one talked about it, don't tell anyone Dad was a manic depressive, don't say he was in a mental hospital and had shock treatment-which is what they did in the 40ies.

There's a whole lot more effective help today. The shame is on the society that denies suffering. Don't give up on yourself, don't give up on finding help for a chemical shortcoming that isn't your fault.

My partner takes antidepressants-has been for over 2 decades to cope with her chronic debilitating disease. It's how she can function while losing her mobility and losing her profession.

I'm here for you J. PM me if you need to.

Possibly the weirdest week of my life...

Mr Flibble

They've been very bad, Mr Flibble

regdog

The Scavengers

Perks

delicate #!&@*#! flower

Sophia

Mr Flibble

They've been very bad, Mr Flibble

Thump

defying grabbity

Phoebe H

qwerty

exiled Brit

Darzian

To-to-to-ron-to

Serenity

NCIS...

Mr Flibble

They've been very bad, Mr Flibble

Fenika

CACTUSWENDY

An old, sappy, and happy one.

MoonWriter

practical experience, FTW

HeronW

Down Under Fan