A Fairytale of AW

Part One of...well, probably one.

Once upon a time in a land far, far away, there lived a creature; half man, half troll, who went by the name of StevenJ. He had ambitions to be a pure dead brilliant writar, but he was all emo and stuff, and liked to sit under his bridge and cry about how much betterer everyone else was than him, like.

“Oh if only I could rite a book, then PublishAmerica would publish me and I would be famous and Penelope Cruz would want to do rude stuff with me,” wailed StevenJ. “But talent? I has none. I spend my days on the intrachoobs using this poxy dial-up connection because VirginMedia don’t have cable broadband running underneath this bridge. Oh, and pointless internal monologues stuffed full of on-the-nose speech bordering on the ‘as you know, Bob’ wank for which authors such as [censored to prevent anyone getting sued] are famous.”

Suddenly a witch appeared, and StevenJ lost control of his bowels in surprise.

“Shit a brick!” he exclaimed in surprise by speaking out loud and saying something to indicate how shocked he was.

“Actually I’d rather not,” the witch said. “I have piles, so if you don’t mind let’s get onto another subject. My name is Cranky, and for the sin of boasting about being a genius, baby Jebus turned me into a horrible witch and and said if I wanted to be returned to my normal form, I had to help the worstest writar in the land get published, and this is my quest, because you are badder than Dan Brown, so help me god.”

“Yay!” said StevenJ. “I can be famous nao plz kthnx bai.”

“No can haz teh LOLcatspeak,” said Cranky the witch. “What we must do is train you to be a proper writar, and for this we must visit the baddest speedwriter in all AW. This is a quest like no other.”

“What, not even that one about the ring?”

“Let’s not mention rings,” Cranky said, shifting uncomfortably from one foot to the other by jumping about a bit and leaning to first one side and then the other. “My piles are playing up again.”

“So who is the baddest speedwriter in all AWland?” StevenJ asked, feeling his heart speed up quickly, like something going really fast, like a hamster on LSD that’s jumped onto its wheel and started running, then got its leg caught, but the momentum carries it round and round and makes it really dizzy and bangs its head off the cage bars.

“We are going to...” Cranky paused for dramatic effect, “The Enchanted Forest of Office Party. To see...”

“!” said StevenJ. “Not...?”

“Yes,” Cranky replied back. “We are going to see thethinker42.”

***

Part Two | Part Three | Part Four | Part Five | Part Six

I need a cup of tea and another bag of rhubarb 'n' custard sweets before I even think about Part Two, but I like how I set myself up for a DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUUUNNN sequel with the reference to thethinker42, like what a proper writer would.

PART TWO

Part Two:

So for days and days, StevenJ the aspiring writar and Cranky the witch with piles trekked through the land of AW, hither and yon, up hill and down dale and up and doon and all aroon the toon, until eventually they reached the edge of the Enchanted Forest.

"Ssh," said Cranky in a quiet whisper. "Listen. Can you hear it?"

StevenJ stretched his ears as far as they would go, which wasn't far, as they were still attached to his head. "No. What am I listening for?"

"The strains of Jared Leto singing," Cranky said.

"Should you have mentioned straining, what with your butt trouble?" StevenJ asked cheekily, throwing in an adverbial dialogue tag surreptitiously.

"Probably not," Cranky expostulated. "But lo! Can you hear?"

StevenJ strained his ears again, and caught the faint, faint sound of Saint Jared of Leto singing from somewhere deep inside the forest.


"That surely is a voice to make the ladies quiver in their toilet parts," said StevenJ. "But as a heterosexual manly male, he does nothing for me, no, not even with oodles of Maybelline guyliner on," he added, hoping for a product placement deal. "What has he to do with this quest?"

"You must follow the sound of Jared," Cranky explained. "For he will lead us to the grotto in the middle of the forest, where thethinker42 sits all day, banging away on her AlphaSmart Neo, writing perverted erotiprawn novels while 30 Seconds to Mars albums play on her CD player. Follow the sound, young troll, follow the sound."

"Aren't you coming with me?" StevenJ asked.

"No," said Cranky regretfully, with pain in her voice. And backside.

"Why not?" StevenJ asked.

"Because it makes for dramatic effect if you venture in alone. Don't worry, I'll probably appear again later in the story if scarletpeaches remembers me."

"!" ejaculated StevenJ, before taking the first step into the Enchanted Forest, with nothing but the sounds of Jared Leto to guide his journey.

I'm trying to think of a way to work Colin Farrell into the story...

PART THREE

StevenJ moved forward with trepidation and chagrin.

*crunchsplat*

He looked down at his feet and saw the remnants of a slug, which had crunched and splarted under his feet, like bubble wrap filled with soup.

"Uh oh," he said to himself. "That looks like one of them there slugs out of Haggis's stories. He won't be pleased with me. Never mind, he doesn't appear in this thread, so I should be safe."

He moved forward and ventured into the Enchanted Forest, listening to the hypnotic sounds of Jared Leto singing.

BANG BANG BANG!

"!" ejaculated StevenJ again, all over this thread. "What is this?"

"Sha-ni-mal! Sha-ni-mal!" came the cry. And again, BANG BANG BANG!

Suddenly a sweaty, tattooed creature hove into view, all six feet something of him, sweaty from his every manly pore, all covered in ink, like, with spiky hair - the creature that is, not the ink - and mad, staring eyes, ringed with guyliner.

The creature carried two drumsticks and banged everything in sight.

BANG BANG BANG they went, on StevenJ's head, and he said "Ouch," 'cause it bloody hurt.

"WTF was that for?" StevenJ squealing like a girl. Or a piggy. "Dipshit."

"I..." *pant pant* "Are..." *pant pant sweat* "SHA-NI-MAL!" BANG BANG BANG!

"Oh buggerly bugger," said StevenJ. "Are you Shannon Leto, drummer for 30 Seconds to Mars, commonly known as Shanimal, the fearsome creature who guards the entrance to thethinker42 - *snerk* - while she writes dirty novels, whom I have only just remembered even though it's Part #3, but hey, who needs logic in an Office Party thread, right?"

BANG BANG BANG!

"I'll take that as a yes, then," StevenJ said, rubbing his head slowly, like it was one of Penelope Cruz's breasts. "Hmm...I have to think of a way to get past Shanimal, in time for Part #4..."

rhymegirl said:

That Steven does an awful lot of ejaculating, doesn't he?

Click to expand...

He uses a lot of dialogue tags, too.

PART FOUR

StevenJ thought and thought and thought until his head hurt more than Cranky's butt - not helped by the constant BANG BANG BANG from Shanimal's drumsticks.

All of a sudden, he had an idea out of the blue, which he had never thought of before. "Hey, Shanimal," he said sneakily, being devious. "You like drums, yes?"

"Shanimal go BANG BANG BANG!" Shannon Leto, the incredibly smexy drummer in his brother's band 30 Seconds to Mars, panted, even though technically you can't pant words.

"Yes, yes, Shanimal go bang bloody bang," StevenJ muttered. "But I put it to you, yay, even I posit, that it is in fact a matter well known, that you like drums?"

"Shanimal like drums!" Shannon said, panting, sweating and looking all manly, just for the ladies.

"I know where there are two drums," StevenJ whispered quietly. "Would you like to know where they are?"

"Shanimal go BANG BANG BANG!"

"Christ on a bike, man, will you let me at least get to the end of this piece of crap attempt to keep Office Party amused for a few minutes without incurring brain damage? Freak."

BANG BANG BANG!!!

"Ouch!" said StevenJ. "What the hell did you do that for?"

"Wasn't me," Shannon shrugged. "It was scarletpeaches, in a Deus Ex Machina style author insert. Guess she got pissed that you called me a freak."

"Fair enough. Anyway. Back to the story. Would you like to know where there are two drums you can bang?"

"Yes please," Shannon said, in an unusual display of politeness, but scarletpeaches couldn't be bothered carrying on this episode for much longer, so she chivvied the conversation along a bit.

"Inside your ears," StevenJ said. "Honestly. Have you never heard of eardrums? Seriously. Go on."

"Fuh real?" Shannon said, then remembered he was supposed to be playing a violent woodland creature, so he panted a bit and went BANG BANG BNAG!

"Bnag?" queried StevenJ.

"Sorry, spazfinger," said scarletpeaches.

"Will you get the fuck out of this thread?" asked StevenJ. "This author insert nonsense is playing with my head."

"Okay," said scarletpeaches and went away again.

"Shannon," StevenJ said. "There are drums inside your ears. Go on. Why don't you give them a good banging?"

BANG BANG BANG! went Shannon, poking his drumsticks inside his ears, and he promptly fainted, possibly to be brought back into the story later, but he's so smexy I can't bear to kill him off.

"Scarlet, you're doing it again," said StevenJ.

"Sorry," said the author, and went to make a cup of tea.

And for those who are nagging me for part five - I have a life you know!!!

*goes to do dishes and wash her hair...oh yes, what an exciting life she has...*