ETA: Haggis wrote this.
Chapter 14
Meanwhile, deep in the bowels of the Ever-Changing Name Cantina Thread--
"Look at that, will you? said Nakhlasmoke.
"What's that? said Bahamutchild.
"Jaycinth is in trouble."
"So what? We haven't been written into a single scene in this stupid story. As far as I'm concerned she can crash and burn," said DisenchantedDoc.
"Good point," said IdiotsRUs.
"Maybe," said kct webber "But I still feel like we should do something."
"I know. Let's change the name of the thread again," said ChaosTitan.
Murmurs of assent ensued.
#
"Gak!" said Haggis.
"What?" said Jaycinth.
Haggis shuddered. "I dunno. There was a disturbance in the force somewhere. Almost as if someone were purposely trying to make me choke on my own vomit."
"That could be almost anyone at AW. But we've got more important things to worry about now."
"Like what?"
"Like me."
Haggis watched, horrified, as Jay lay twitching on the floor. Then her eyes rolled up into their sockets. Haggis grabbed her shoulders and shook her. "Jay, Jay, Jay, Jaycinth. Don't leave me now. I can't do this by myself. I need you."
Thwap, thwap, thwap....
Haggis stared out the window and into the distance, trying to locate the source of the strange sound as tears rolled down his grief-stricken snout. Just as he was about to turn his attention back to Jaycinth, Marine Corp One descended into the street immediately outside the Coffee House of Pain. The minute the helicopter landed, George jumped out and ran toward the Coffee House, carefully cradling a bottle in his hands.
"George! I can't believe it. You're gonna be a hero, guy," said Haggis.
"I are?" said George. "All I know is that Laura tol' me to bring Jaycinth a wild turkey, but all she gave me was this here bottle of booze."
Haggis snatched the bottle from George, opened it with his teeth and shoved it into Jay's mouth. "Come on, come on, come on, work," he pleaded, as the last drops trickled into Jaycinth's gullet. Jay stirred, but remained otherwise unresponsive.
"That's it, then. We have no other choice," said Haggis. "The only alternative is snout to mouth resuscitation." Haggis jumped onto Jay's chest, took a moment to enjoy his perch, then bent over and jammed his snout between Jaycinth's open lips.
"What the %!~@%%* do you think you're doing?" said Jay, as she quickly sat up and heaved the dog through the Coffee Shop's plate glass front window. "Phth, pootoie," she continued as she spat both the Chihuahua fur and taste from her mouth. "What the +%&@ was that all about?"
"That was yer pardner, Jay. That dawg feller. He done saved yer life. 'Course, I think you kilt him when you tossed him through that winder yonder."
"Pfft. Guy's been dead over 500 years already, George. Nothing to worry about."
A moment later, Haggis lept back through the broken window, dove into Jay's ample cleavage and burrowed down deep between the girls.
"Not that deep, Haggis," said Jaycinth.
"Uh, sorry," said Haggis, his head popping up into sight after a reasonable delay. "Jay, they've pissed me off now. It's time we stopped Ben Panced's rudely hatched nefarious plot once and for all."
"What are you saying, Haggis?"
"It's time for the ultimate weapon, Jay. In fact, it's past time."
"You mean...."
"Yes. Bristol."
#
"I suppose it's a good thing we got out of this story when we did," said Poetinahat.
"Oh, I don't know," said Dawno. "Mac and I go back a long way. She'd cover my back if I had to deal with Bristol."
"Yeah, maybe. But it would be bloody. Besides, we haven't terrorized any newbies in weeks. I say we go "welcome" a few of them right now."
"Good idea, Rob. I just love it when they cry."
#
A ferret's teeth are not only sharp, they're strong too. Shadow_Ferret used his to gnaw through the handcuffs keeping the Cabaret barflies captive.
"I had no idea rodents could be so useful," said cray.
"I'm not a rodent," said Ferret.
"Well, you don't have to be so touchy about it. I was paying you a compliment."
"Enough!" said Sister OFG. "There's no time for bickering now. We have to get to the Convention Center. The $7!^'s gonna be hitting the fan pretty soon now."
"You mean Mel's food?" said Inky.
"Exactly."
"I'm not moving until cray apologizes for calling me a rodent," said Ferret.
Sister Susie grabbed both Ferret and cray by the scruff of their respective necks and held them aloft. "Knock off the crap. Get your asses in gear or I'll hand them to you. Capiche?" She slammed them to the ground then turned and stomped away.
"And everybody thinks she's so damn sweet," said Ferret, rubbing his bruised shoulder.
"Yeah," said cray, hitting the 'report post' button.
Susie and OFG herded them all into the Jag and they took off, headed toward the Convention Center.
#
"What's the matter with him?" said Soccer Mom, pointing at Mel who was treading oil in the deep fat fryer.
"He's inconsolable," said Celina. "He finished preparing the 'food' and now he has nothing to do. He says he has no reason to live. I'm inclined to agree with him."
"Where's the food?" said Soccer Mom.
"Ben Panced packed it up already. He's on his way to the Convention Center.
"So, then, we really don't need Mel any more, do we?"
"Nah."
Soccer Mom strolled over and turned the fryer thermostat up to 450 degrees. Mel lay on his back in the oil, staring at the ceiling.
#
"Hello, Laura? It's me. George.
"Yeah, they just left. Left me here by myself. I can't believe it.
"No, no she's fine, but what do I do now?
"The what? The helicopter? I dunno. Let me look.
"Yep. It's still here.
"Get on it? Are you sure it's okay? You're sure they'll know where to take me?
"I did not. I swear. I didn't touch a drop.
"Oh, okay. Bye, Darlin'."
****
Have the bowels of this story moved far enough yet?
Has the word 'Gak!' been used often enough?
Who the hell is Bristol?
Will Mel be a crispy critter?
Tune in next week when we here MacAllister say:
'Kill this crap or else..."
Chapter 14
Meanwhile, deep in the bowels of the Ever-Changing Name Cantina Thread--
"Look at that, will you? said Nakhlasmoke.
"What's that? said Bahamutchild.
"Jaycinth is in trouble."
"So what? We haven't been written into a single scene in this stupid story. As far as I'm concerned she can crash and burn," said DisenchantedDoc.
"Good point," said IdiotsRUs.
"Maybe," said kct webber "But I still feel like we should do something."
"I know. Let's change the name of the thread again," said ChaosTitan.
Murmurs of assent ensued.
#
"Gak!" said Haggis.
"What?" said Jaycinth.
Haggis shuddered. "I dunno. There was a disturbance in the force somewhere. Almost as if someone were purposely trying to make me choke on my own vomit."
"That could be almost anyone at AW. But we've got more important things to worry about now."
"Like what?"
"Like me."
Haggis watched, horrified, as Jay lay twitching on the floor. Then her eyes rolled up into their sockets. Haggis grabbed her shoulders and shook her. "Jay, Jay, Jay, Jaycinth. Don't leave me now. I can't do this by myself. I need you."
Thwap, thwap, thwap....
Haggis stared out the window and into the distance, trying to locate the source of the strange sound as tears rolled down his grief-stricken snout. Just as he was about to turn his attention back to Jaycinth, Marine Corp One descended into the street immediately outside the Coffee House of Pain. The minute the helicopter landed, George jumped out and ran toward the Coffee House, carefully cradling a bottle in his hands.
"George! I can't believe it. You're gonna be a hero, guy," said Haggis.
"I are?" said George. "All I know is that Laura tol' me to bring Jaycinth a wild turkey, but all she gave me was this here bottle of booze."
Haggis snatched the bottle from George, opened it with his teeth and shoved it into Jay's mouth. "Come on, come on, come on, work," he pleaded, as the last drops trickled into Jaycinth's gullet. Jay stirred, but remained otherwise unresponsive.
"That's it, then. We have no other choice," said Haggis. "The only alternative is snout to mouth resuscitation." Haggis jumped onto Jay's chest, took a moment to enjoy his perch, then bent over and jammed his snout between Jaycinth's open lips.
"What the %!~@%%* do you think you're doing?" said Jay, as she quickly sat up and heaved the dog through the Coffee Shop's plate glass front window. "Phth, pootoie," she continued as she spat both the Chihuahua fur and taste from her mouth. "What the +%&@ was that all about?"
"That was yer pardner, Jay. That dawg feller. He done saved yer life. 'Course, I think you kilt him when you tossed him through that winder yonder."
"Pfft. Guy's been dead over 500 years already, George. Nothing to worry about."
A moment later, Haggis lept back through the broken window, dove into Jay's ample cleavage and burrowed down deep between the girls.
"Not that deep, Haggis," said Jaycinth.
"Uh, sorry," said Haggis, his head popping up into sight after a reasonable delay. "Jay, they've pissed me off now. It's time we stopped Ben Panced's rudely hatched nefarious plot once and for all."
"What are you saying, Haggis?"
"It's time for the ultimate weapon, Jay. In fact, it's past time."
"You mean...."
"Yes. Bristol."
#
"I suppose it's a good thing we got out of this story when we did," said Poetinahat.
"Oh, I don't know," said Dawno. "Mac and I go back a long way. She'd cover my back if I had to deal with Bristol."
"Yeah, maybe. But it would be bloody. Besides, we haven't terrorized any newbies in weeks. I say we go "welcome" a few of them right now."
"Good idea, Rob. I just love it when they cry."
#
A ferret's teeth are not only sharp, they're strong too. Shadow_Ferret used his to gnaw through the handcuffs keeping the Cabaret barflies captive.
"I had no idea rodents could be so useful," said cray.
"I'm not a rodent," said Ferret.
"Well, you don't have to be so touchy about it. I was paying you a compliment."
"Enough!" said Sister OFG. "There's no time for bickering now. We have to get to the Convention Center. The $7!^'s gonna be hitting the fan pretty soon now."
"You mean Mel's food?" said Inky.
"Exactly."
"I'm not moving until cray apologizes for calling me a rodent," said Ferret.
Sister Susie grabbed both Ferret and cray by the scruff of their respective necks and held them aloft. "Knock off the crap. Get your asses in gear or I'll hand them to you. Capiche?" She slammed them to the ground then turned and stomped away.
"And everybody thinks she's so damn sweet," said Ferret, rubbing his bruised shoulder.
"Yeah," said cray, hitting the 'report post' button.
Susie and OFG herded them all into the Jag and they took off, headed toward the Convention Center.
#
"What's the matter with him?" said Soccer Mom, pointing at Mel who was treading oil in the deep fat fryer.
"He's inconsolable," said Celina. "He finished preparing the 'food' and now he has nothing to do. He says he has no reason to live. I'm inclined to agree with him."
"Where's the food?" said Soccer Mom.
"Ben Panced packed it up already. He's on his way to the Convention Center.
"So, then, we really don't need Mel any more, do we?"
"Nah."
Soccer Mom strolled over and turned the fryer thermostat up to 450 degrees. Mel lay on his back in the oil, staring at the ceiling.
#
"Hello, Laura? It's me. George.
"Yeah, they just left. Left me here by myself. I can't believe it.
"No, no she's fine, but what do I do now?
"The what? The helicopter? I dunno. Let me look.
"Yep. It's still here.
"Get on it? Are you sure it's okay? You're sure they'll know where to take me?
"I did not. I swear. I didn't touch a drop.
"Oh, okay. Bye, Darlin'."
****
Have the bowels of this story moved far enough yet?
Has the word 'Gak!' been used often enough?
Who the hell is Bristol?
Will Mel be a crispy critter?
Tune in next week when we here MacAllister say:
'Kill this crap or else..."
Last edited:
Great story, though!
... And the moral of that part of the story is don't mess with nice people, they get really mean when they get riled up. 
for youz! 
