The groom's wedding speech

Damn, she hasn't left you much to work with.

Probably safer to call the whole thing off.

seun said:

Any tips on my wedding speech? I've promised the future Mrs Seun I won't swear, talk about zombie films, say anything too saucy or tell everyone to sod off so I can carry on drinking in peace.

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Wow. She didn't leave you much, did she?

seun said:

Any tips on my wedding speech? I've promised the future Mrs Seun I won't swear, talk about zombie films, say anything too saucy or tell everyone to sod off so I can carry on drinking in peace.

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Jesus, she's a picky mare.

What the hell's wrong with that?

seun said:

romcoms, feelings and alcopops.

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*scratches head*

They're all words I vaguely think I may have heard...


As far as your speech; just thank everyone for coming, throw in a joke about the weather, one about wearing a suit. Oh, and make sure you use the word "soulmate"

Bmwhtly said:

As far as your speech; just thank everyone for coming, throw in a joke about the weather, one about wearing a suit. Oh, and make sure you use the word "soulmate"

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lock thread.

nice work, ben.

I'd just read them your porn story and see where the reception goes from there.

Somebody could get lucky.

Bmwhtly said:

As far as your speech; just thank everyone for coming, throw in a joke about the weather, one about wearing a suit. Oh, and make sure you use the word "soulmate"

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Make a joke that it's raining suited soulmates. Then maybe break into song and perform "It's Raining Men".

If nothing else, she'll regret not letting you talk about zombie films...

I've got this crazy idea about weddings supposedly being happy occasions and...well, fun.

When did they get ruined by rules and tradition and expectations of what's 'right'?

Just remind them that you are a writer, and that the wedding will probably make the next book. Then pass the hat. A dollar/euro if you want to be in the book, five if you don't want to be.

Oh yeah, and the soulmate part... and tell her she looks lovely, you're the luckiest man on the planet that day, and plan to be the get luckiest man on the planet as soon as you can run those other folks off.

scarletpeaches said:

I've got this crazy idea about weddings supposedly being happy occasions and...well, fun.

When did they get ruined by rules and tradition and expectations of what's 'right'?

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That's kind of what I wondered.

Then again, I had a stuffed Rhode Island Red rooster as a centerpiece at the rehearsal dinner, walked down the aisle to the "Imperial Death March", and got married in an industrial screenprinting shop. "Proper" wasn't part of our vocabulary when planning that particular shebang...

seun said:

Can't see that idea ever catching on.

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That's what the alcohol is for. Makes them happy and fun and all of that nonsense.

I'd love to get married quickly, in a hotel or something, then have a kick-ass party. I want a bouncy castle, someone dressed as a tellytubby or a munchkin or an Oompa-Loompa, lots of jelly and ice cream, toys, loud dance music and a food fight.

Then back to mine for a right royal rattling with my new husband, James Purefoy.

scarletpeaches said:

I'd love to get married quickly, in a hotel or something, then have a kick-ass party. I want a bouncy castle, someone dressed as a tellytubby or a munchkin or an Oompa-Loompa, lots of jelly and ice cream, toys, loud dance music and a food fight.

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I sincerely hope that I'm invited to this affair. I will SO start the food fight.

Then back to mine for a right royal rattling with my new husband, Matt Wachter.

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Thank God some wedding rites happen in private...

You say that like it's a bad thing.

Five, ten minutes, then say "Fuck," and they'll make you shut up. Job done.

seun said:

Something I've just though of: how long is my speech supposed to be? In other words, how long do I have to go without swearing?

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Unlike some things, there is no minimum length for a wedding speech.

One of the toasts given by a friend at our wedding:

"I've only known Eddie and Lori for a little while. I like Eddie and Lori. Cheers!"

thethinker42 said:

break into song

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Now THAT's the kind of think you need, seun!

Hmmm... Black Moon Rising? Maybe.

If you do want everyone to sod off and let you drink, I suggest a full-volume, off-key butchering of that I will always something something. Y'know, from that film.

scarletpeaches said:

I've got this crazy idea about weddings supposedly being happy occasions and...well, fun.

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Don't be silly, peaches. It's like the moment you chain yourself to a radiator for the rest of your life.

That's why there's booze.

thethinker42 said:

....walked down the aisle to the "Imperial Death March"....

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Dangit![sup]tm[/sup] Why didn't I think of that!?!

Ol' Fashioned Girl said:

Dangit![sup]tm[/sup] Why didn't I think of that!?!

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Because you're not one of the cool kids.

It was epic.

6 years later and people still talk about it...with varying degrees of laughter and eyerolling...