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Annabella
01-08-2009, 06:26 AM
So I like my life. It's not perfect. But it has its moments. I work (2 jobs). I go to school. I write. I see movies. Sometimes I even interact with people I consider friends-mostly it's just with people I consider co-workers. I don't have time for much else.

However, It has recently come to my attention that everyone else is paired up. How did this come to be? Did I miss that day when everyone was given a partner? Was I out sick?

Facebook has become update upon update of relationship status from the dreaded single to In a Relationship with...

Work has turned into wedding shower invite hell. Everyone is pairing up and making babies.

I feel left out.

Then I remember what my last relationship was like. Or even my last date. OMG Hide me!

I like being able to choose the movie with no arguments. Or the restaurant. Or even having the ability to claim the covers as my own. All the pillows on this side of the bed? Sure!

But.

But.

I miss having someone to curl up against. To question the hero's stupidity with at the movies. To share dinner with.

I hate that I don't feel complete without someone. Because I am complete. I am me. No one else is my exact combination of quirks and I love that. I have gotten used to the single life. I love my single life. Friday night spent with Blockbuster and Mexican takeout. It's a lot more fun then being berated because I am stupid. Or spending the evening with a guy with an IQ of 3 (how that escaped my notice when he asked me out... I don't know).

Arrrgh.


Thank you for listening to me rant. After learning of someone's engagement I just couldn't take it anymore. I'm okay with being single but sometimes it gets to me)

sheadakota
01-08-2009, 06:46 AM
Oh Boy do I remember feeling this way when I was single! I can so relate. But as you said I also remember saying to myself that I would rather be in NO realationship that a bad realationship. I broke up with my last boyfriend (before I met my husband) and told myself I was content with life the way it was and I was- Then a mutual friend set us up on a blind date- I didn't want to go but I owed her- soooo- I even resistedt the relationship for months until I realized I actually was in love with the guy- maybe it was the horse he bought me for my birthday-

Anyway- my point is the things you want sometimes come to you when you aren't looking for them-

Silver King
01-08-2009, 06:48 AM
So, Sweet Stuff, you busy tomorrow night?

Just kidding. I wouldn't even know how to ask someone in from the rain, let alone ask them out. ;)

On the bright side, you realize that all those weddings going around you at the moment have a greater chance of failure than success, right? Makes Blockbuster nights seem like a safe bet, if you're the gambling sort.

(Yeah, I know I'm not much help, but I'm trying...) :)

Ken
01-08-2009, 07:02 AM
I'd give my left testicle to be married.
Then again if I did that married life wouldn't be much fun ;-)


edt: Just being silly, here.
(sex is not effected by the absence of a testicle,
often donated for a noble, self-sacrificing cause worthy of admiration.)

astonwest
01-08-2009, 07:06 AM
Everyone is pairing up and making babies.
Sort of what it's like being unable to bear children and having the department secretary shoot out everyone's baby notices every few weeks...

vixey
01-08-2009, 07:10 AM
Anyway- my point is the things you want sometimes come to you when you aren't looking for them-

Quoted for truth.

Silver King
01-08-2009, 07:19 AM
I'd give my left testicle to be married...
From what I remember, the deal is, you have to give away both!

KikiteNeko
01-08-2009, 07:22 AM
I understand how you feel. I've been single for over a year (if you could even consider my last flighty endeavor a relationship... you think your last relationship was bad, PM me to hear the story of the boy who claimed the dictionary was a conspiracy of wrongness to brainwash the masses). Most of my friends are either married or dating. And all of my cousins that are close to me are married and even have kids.

Lovey-dovey facebook updates bug me a lot, even if they're people I care about and am happy for. Really. I feel your pain.

Ken
01-08-2009, 07:35 AM
From what I remember, the deal is, you have to give away both!

:gone:

Silver King
01-08-2009, 08:08 AM
:gone:
It's not that bad and happens swiftly. While you're standing there proclaiming your vows, first one is taken, and then the other. Just like that, your reason for being has been taken from you.

Afterward, they start working on taking your legs out from under you. But you have to stand tall during these trials! If you give in, you'll be like a stumpy dude, using your fists to carry your body along on a skate board because your lower half has been hacked to pieces.

Not literally, of course, but figuratively speaking.

KikiteNeko
01-08-2009, 08:09 AM
It's not that bad and happens swiftly. While you're standing there proclaiming your vows, first one is taken, and then the other. Just like that, your reason for being has been taken from you.

Afterward, they start working on taking your legs out from under you. But you have to stand tall during these trials! If you give in, you'll be like a stumpy dude, using your fists to carry your body along on a skate board because your lower half has been hacked to pieces.

Not literally, of course, but figuratively speaking.

haha... married men have to get neutered.

Eskimo1990
01-08-2009, 08:12 AM
Yes it does in fact suck to be single sometimes. Seeing how I'm only 18...I don't know much about it. But I longed for a relationship. Wanted it so badly that...I dunno...
I thought I found the guy I wanted to be with forever....but things didn't work out...or haven't. I don't know anymore.
Then I met my ex. He was my first boyfriend. Now he's my ex for a reason because we had to break up thanks to CAP.

Now 2 months later....I am thinking of quitting CAP. I asked him if it changed anything between us (like hey, we could date again) and he told me no. That he didn't want to be in a long distance relationship.

UGH! Boys suck. They're complicated. I don't understand them.

I mean hey, I could understand that...not wanting a long distance relationship. But you were just in one 2 months ago...with me! And you told me how much you didn't want to break up and how you wished there was away around it.
And then Friday as we lay there, holding each other and kissing you told me how much you loved kissing me...how right it felt to be there with me....

Sorry...end rant....

brad_b
01-08-2009, 08:19 AM
So I like my life. It's not perfect. But it has its moments. I work (2 jobs). I go to school. I write. I see movies. Sometimes I even interact with people I consider friends-mostly it's just with people I consider co-workers. I don't have time for much else.

However, It has recently come to my attention that everyone else is paired up. How did this come to be? Did I miss that day when everyone was given a partner? Was I out sick?

When folks were being paired up I was out wool-gathering. Over the years I've had relationships with a lot of intelligent and beautiful ladies, but for some reason or another I felt it wasn't the right time or woman to make such a permanent commitment. Maybe commitment comes hard for me, it's supposed to be for life, after all. You're still young so give it time. A lot of people rush into relationships, marry, and then realize things weren't what they expected and have regrets.

Loneliness comes into play sometimes but I stay busy and have come to enjoy solitude for the most part. It isn't always easy but has its perks. My schedule is my own and I come and go as I please. It doesn't help meeting prospects since I spend most of my time at home. I think how nice it would be to have someone to share with, but that isn't a good reason to jump into a relationship. Compatability and understanding are important to me, and I trust when the right person comes along we'll know it's right as we grow together. Growth in love and as individuals is an important factor to success and I'm willing to wait. I want to be the best I can be for her when she shows up, so in the meantime I'm in training.

Stlight
01-08-2009, 08:58 AM
You will never be as lonely single as it is possible to be when married.

ErylRavenwell
01-08-2009, 09:10 AM
I need someone to distract me from my destructive thoughts. Being single is not good for me even though I'm not the gregarious type. I'm a focking extreme lawless, godless bastard who does extreme things when not paired.

Toothpaste
01-08-2009, 09:42 AM
I know what you mean about having missed the moment that everyone else was paired up. I constantly feel like I missed a memo of some kind. I mean, weren't we supposed to be the generation that rebelled against such ideas as . . . couplehood . . . ? Well I guess not. I have only one other female friend who is single too. All my other friends and acquaintances are hooked up, heading down the aisle or at least living in sin.

I really wish I'd got that memo . . . :(

Cybernaught
01-08-2009, 09:43 AM
If it makes you feel any better, significant others are nothing but low-life, two-timing, evil, caniving, wastes of time. I just became single two days ago because the she-devil I was with decided to hop a plane to Canada with another guy.

Bah. I envy your single life.

jennifer75
01-08-2009, 09:50 AM
So I like my life. It's not perfect. But it has its moments. I work (2 jobs). I go to school. I write. I see movies. Sometimes I even interact with people I consider friends-mostly it's just with people I consider co-workers. I don't have time for much else.


HOW THE HELL DO YOU MANAGE ALL THIS??????????????????????????????????????

Jennifer - mother, girlfriend, full time job keeper, house wife-ish, tries to read/write, likes to sleep. Has no friends, sees no movies except on cable, hardly gets any writing done, read?

God. School? Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeesh.

;)

Probably doesnt help that my "spare time" is spent on AW.

jennifer75
01-08-2009, 09:52 AM
I miss having someone to curl up against. To question the hero's stupidity with at the movies. To share dinner with.

I hate that I don't feel complete without someone. Because I am complete. I am me. No one else is my exact combination of quirks and I love that. I have gotten used to the single life. I love my single life. Friday night spent with Blockbuster and Mexican takeout. It's a lot more fun then being berated because I am stupid. Or spending the evening with a guy with an IQ of 3 (how that escaped my notice when he asked me out... I don't know).

Arrrgh.


Thank you for listening to me rant. After learning of someone's engagement I just couldn't take it anymore. I'm okay with being single but sometimes it gets to me)

Ooh you're gonna love my memoir. ;)

jennifer75
01-08-2009, 09:58 AM
So I like my life. It's not perfect. But it has its moments. I work (2 jobs). I go to school. I write. I see movies. Sometimes I even interact with people I consider friends-mostly it's just with people I consider co-workers. I don't have time for much else.

However, It has recently come to my attention that everyone else is paired up. How did this come to be? Did I miss that day when everyone was given a partner? Was I out sick?

Facebook has become update upon update of relationship status from the dreaded single to In a Relationship with...

Work has turned into wedding shower invite hell. Everyone is pairing up and making babies.

I feel left out.

Then I remember what my last relationship was like. Or even my last date. OMG Hide me!

I like being able to choose the movie with no arguments. Or the restaurant. Or even having the ability to claim the covers as my own. All the pillows on this side of the bed? Sure!

But.

But.

I miss having someone to curl up against. To question the hero's stupidity with at the movies. To share dinner with.

I hate that I don't feel complete without someone. Because I am complete. I am me. No one else is my exact combination of quirks and I love that. I have gotten used to the single life. I love my single life. Friday night spent with Blockbuster and Mexican takeout. It's a lot more fun then being berated because I am stupid. Or spending the evening with a guy with an IQ of 3 (how that escaped my notice when he asked me out... I don't know).

Arrrgh.


Thank you for listening to me rant. After learning of someone's engagement I just couldn't take it anymore. I'm okay with being single but sometimes it gets to me)


Wow, a triple quote. I'm on a roll.


First of all, and I'm sure you've heard this - ENJOY YOUR SINGLEHOOD. Enjoy being able to do as you please, when you please, how you please, and then do it again.

When I ended my first long term relationship I didn't know what to do with myself. That ended quite quickly. Then, I longed for companionship, again.

I was set on finding somebody new, finding a partner. And I did, three months later. Two months later I was pregnant. My singlehood lasted 3 months, not nearly long enough for a 25 year old.

I miss those three months of freedom. I miss doing what ever the fark I want. When I want, with who I want, how I want, etc.

There is something to be said for being single and childless. There is something to be said for being in a relationship, and a parent but that is a different thread.

Enjoy your days. Please. For us. You'll find yours soon enough. We promise. And then you'll say, damn, I wish I could just be by myself, again.

jennifer75
01-08-2009, 10:09 AM
You will never be as lonely single as it is possible to be when married.

oooooooooooooooh thats deep. and true.

Cassiopeia
01-08-2009, 10:34 AM
I'd give my left testicle to be married.
Then again if I did that married life wouldn't be much fun ;-)That's okay you don't need them both. ;)


Annabelle,

My daughter is one year younger than you are. I told her I will have her hide if she gets married before she's 25. I got married at 25 while all my other friends were all ready married years before and popping out babies.

I was a better mom because I had time to have fun and I knew myself so well. Granted my ex husband thinks I haven't grown up but do we care? Heck no!

:)

Trust me, I know how you feel and this too shall pass.

Yeshanu
01-08-2009, 10:38 AM
]you think your last relationship was bad, PM me to hear the story of the boy who claimed the dictionary was a conspiracy of wrongness to brainwash the masses

:roll:

How could you ever have let that winner go, tomo? :tongue

Seriously, it's great to be paired up, and folks naturally want you to join in their celebrations when they become so, but don't feel bad about being single.

Learning to be by yourself and enjoy life without a partner are good skills to have even for paired-up folks, and they'll only make you more attractive to the right sort of mate.

Take your time finding the right one. Far too many people end up in a bad relationship simply because they've never learned to be alone without being lonely.

Cassiopeia
01-08-2009, 10:50 AM
Yeah, being good at being on your own is an incredible skill. It is good to have that kind of independence.

One of my ex's had this annoying habit of coming to the hair salon with me and he'd just sit there and not say a word. I made him stop it. The ladies were all shocked that a man would just sit there like a prison guard while his wife got her hair done and kept mouthing the words, "jealous" and "needy" and clingy" to me and I'd shake from stifling the giggles.

Ken
01-08-2009, 04:49 PM
...maybe I'll give marriage a go, then, if I can find a willin' woman, outside those mail order ones in Russia ;-)

Mr Flibble
01-08-2009, 05:04 PM
I'd give my left testicle to be married.
Then again if I did that married life wouldn't be much fun ;-)


Actually my mate did give away his left nut ( well ok not give away. But if I give you the details you'll have your legs crossed for a week) His wife seems quite happy though :D


If you are happy being single then that's great - and some days I would give a lot to be able to just do what I want.

But if you need snuggles...yeah snuggles are nice. Especially when it's cold. But find the right guy!

Hope you feel better.

Shadow_Ferret
01-08-2009, 05:09 PM
I have gotten used to the single life. I love my single life.
I envy you.

Marriage isn't a bed of roses either.

Delta40
01-08-2009, 05:21 PM
I'm single and boring. It has come to my attention that I don't have any testicles, yet I'm amazingly happy.

Research shows that single women live longer than married women. However single men have shorter lives than married men. Ha Ha! I sorta feel like I won the social lottery ya know?

scarletpeaches
01-08-2009, 05:25 PM
I envy you.

Marriage isn't a bed of roses either.

No, your marriage isn't a bed of roses, perhaps. There's nothing wrong with the institution; it's the people we choose who perhaps aren't right for us.

I hate it when folk say, "Enjoy being single." Uh, that's the problem. The reason for this thread. If it was that easy, don't you think the OP would be doing just that?

And enjoying it a little too much teaches you to be selfish, so no, it's not an entirely helpful suggestion.

As if being married means you can't do things to please yourself anyway. There was me thinking it was about compromise.

And don't get me started on those folk who claim your sex life dies after you get married. Only if you let it.

Besides, I've got fuck all of a sex life just now; you can't get any 'less' than that.

thethinker42
01-08-2009, 05:27 PM
No, your marriage isn't a bed of roses, perhaps. There's nothing wrong with the institution; it's the people we choose who perhaps aren't right for us.

I hate it when folk say, "Enjoy being single." Uh, that's the problem. The reason for this thread. If it was that easy, don't you think the OP would be doing just that?

And enjoying it a little too much teaches you to be selfish, so no, it's not an entirely helpful suggestion.

As if being married means you can't do things to please yourself anyway. There was me thinking it was about compromise.

And don't get me started on those folk who claim your sex life dies after you get married. Only if you let it.

Besides, I've got fuck all of a sex life just now; you can't get any 'less' than that.

QFT. As someone who's been happily married for the past 6 years, I'd have to say scarletpeaches is right on the money here.

scarletpeaches
01-08-2009, 05:48 PM
So I like my life. It's not perfect. But it has its moments. I work (2 jobs). I go to school. I write. I see movies. Sometimes I even interact with people I consider friends-mostly it's just with people I consider co-workers. I don't have time for much else.

Time appears to expand to fit the amount of people you want in your life. I never believe anyone who says they're too busy for love. If love comes along, they'd be a fool to knock it back with a scheduling excuse.

So I say you've got the right attitude. You're filling your time but not to the point of being unable to drop something if a hot guy came along.


However, It has recently come to my attention that everyone else is paired up. How did this come to be? Did I miss that day when everyone was given a partner? Was I out sick?

Oh. So feeling that. Everywhere I look. One particular girl I know is a bitch. I mean, utter, utter bitch. Her speciality is spreading lies that I was having an affair with a married man as his marriage was breaking up because she wanted him and she saw me as a threat. Well, I wasn't interested as he has a) an ex wife and b) a kid, so ain't gonna happen. Not that he was interested in me anyway, but still...

Now she has someone travelling up from England every couple of weeks just for the pleasure of spending time with her and it looks as if things are getting serious between them.

Makes me wonder what you've gotta do to get partnered up. Lie about other women and hide your drink problem, perhaps?


Facebook has become update upon update of relationship status from the dreaded single to In a Relationship with...

Well...I don't have Facebook or any other social networking site, so that's not a problem for me.

Although I'd like to show some solidarity here. It's hard when other people announce their partnered-upness. Even out of sheer joy, rather than showing off. One girl I know - lovely, really lovely. Completely wrapped up in her boyfriend, and that's cool...but I really don't like hearing about how in love she is. I don't want to bring her down, but it's difficult not to think, "Why not me?"


Work has turned into wedding shower invite hell. Everyone is pairing up and making babies.

I've never been invited to a wedding in my life, I don't think. Just doesn't happen.

As for babies...meh. Thank god I never get invited to that sort of shower. I'd turn it down flat. Babies are my idea of hell.


I feel left out.

And there's nothing anyone else can do about that.

Let's get that straight. Saying, "It'll happen one day," is a nonsense. No-one knows that for sure. Saying, "Never mind," is no good. Saying, "You're young," is patronising. Saying, "You never know," is - well, weird. If it hasn't happened yet, what makes you think it ever will?


Then I remember what my last relationship was like. Or even my last date. OMG Hide me!

Date? What's that? I'm 32, no-one's asked me out in over ten years and my last 'relationship' if you can call it that was nearly five years ago. Yes, I did the asking. Shouldn't have bothered to be honest.

Not to turn this into a pity party, but...whoops, looks like I just did.


I like being able to choose the movie with no arguments. Or the restaurant. Or even having the ability to claim the covers as my own. All the pillows on this side of the bed? Sure!

Heh. Yeah. Last night was the first time in months I went to the cinema with anyone else. I prefer to go on my own. So that's cool. :D


But.

But.

I miss having someone to curl up against. To question the hero's stupidity with at the movies. To share dinner with.

Hear that.

Nothing else to add, really. Just hear that.


I hate that I don't feel complete without someone. Because I am complete. I am me. No one else is my exact combination of quirks and I love that. I have gotten used to the single life. I love my single life. Friday night spent with Blockbuster and Mexican takeout. It's a lot more fun then being berated because I am stupid. Or spending the evening with a guy with an IQ of 3 (how that escaped my notice when he asked me out... I don't know).

Arrrgh.


Thank you for listening to me rant. After learning of someone's engagement I just couldn't take it anymore. I'm okay with being single but sometimes it gets to me)

:Hug2:

seun
01-08-2009, 06:09 PM
I was single for a long time before I met my fiancee. It took me years to realise I didn't like being single for the wrong reasons. It wasn't because I particuarly wanted someone; it was because the previous someone ruined my life (sorry for the melodrama, but it's true :D) and because everyone I knew seemed to think I should have been with someone.

Once I worked out what the problem was, I stopped looking for someone. There's nothing wrong with being single at all. It's only the smug bastards who don't understand that.

scarletpeaches
01-08-2009, 06:12 PM
And there's nothing wrong with wanting to be married, either.

Like I've just said to Lori on MSN, it makes no sense to tell someone who wants something, not to want it.

What's wrong with telling them to go out and get it?

It's like a societal thing, to say wanting something is bad. Well it isn't. Some of us prefer being single, some of us would like to be married. It doesn't make you sad or desperate, it makes you human.

And as I also said to Lori - I don't want a soulmate. I want a partner in crime. :D

thethinker42
01-08-2009, 06:13 PM
And as I also said to Lori - I don't want a soulmate. I want a partner in crime. :D

Amen to that. :D I've found a partner in crime...they're definitely worth the wait, but it doesn't make the wait any less frustrating.

Pagey's_Girl
01-08-2009, 06:13 PM
I used to work with a woman about my age who, when she got married, just had to work that little factoid into every single freaking sentence. "Well, as a married woman, I..... Well, it's different when you're a married woman, like I am.....Well, now that I'm married....my husband and I - did I tell you that I'm married....." It would have been funny on TV, but not so much in real life.

As for me, well - okay, I'm forty, never been married and haven't even been in a relationship for almost six years. I've gotten to the point where I like being single. It's a lot better than having to deal with some of the creeps I've gone out with. (Besides, given the kind of men I seem to attract - I don't know, I must be giving off some kind of pheromone that attracts wackos, I don't know....)

cray
01-08-2009, 06:16 PM
I don't know, I must be giving off some kind of pheromone that attracts wackos, I don't know....)


how you doin'?

Pagey's_Girl
01-08-2009, 06:19 PM
how you doin'?

:tongue


:ROFL:

regdog
01-08-2009, 06:35 PM
I'd give my left testicle to be married.
Then again if I did that married life wouldn't be much fun ;-)


From what I remember, the deal is, you have to give away both!

:e2thud:


My family always snarkily reminds me that I'm the only one still either unamarried or not in a relationship. My sister keeps trying to make me feel better about the fact I seem to be stuck in a permanently single state. She tells me not every pot has a lid and the fault of my single state doesnt' rest with me. Of course she's married to a guy who worships her :tongue

Shadow_Ferret
01-08-2009, 06:45 PM
No, your marriage isn't a bed of roses, perhaps. There's nothing wrong with the institution; it's the people we choose who perhaps aren't right for us.

No perhaps about it. And no, there is nothing wrong with marriage if you've found your life partner.

Problem with many of us is we settle and then come to regret it.

James81
01-08-2009, 06:48 PM
That's exactly where I am at.

But I have a nasty divorce in my past that has taught me that it's not smart to give in to pressure from everyone else just to get them off your back.

selkn.asrai
01-08-2009, 06:56 PM
Anyway- my point is the things you want sometimes come to you when you aren't looking for them-


Quoted. For. Truth.

Seriously. Just try this: stop looking. Stop thinking about it. Enjoy the company of yourself. Let it go. Be zen.

It will undoubtedly come. The higher power/s (whoever that/those may be) love to surprise us.

scarletpeaches
01-08-2009, 06:57 PM
Bollocks.

That's a passive way of looking at things.

You wouldn't say, "You want to move house? Stop viewing properties!" would you? Why is it the same for life partners?

thethinker42
01-08-2009, 06:59 PM
Bollocks.

That's a passive way of looking at things.

You wouldn't say, "You want to move house? Stop viewing properties!" would you? Why is it the same for life partners?

Agreed.

I think there's something to be said for not sweating over "OMG I'm not married", but that doesn't mean you stop LOOKING for a partner if it's what you want.

scarletpeaches
01-08-2009, 07:03 PM
I'm not saying I'd move into the first house I viewed. I would want one that had all mod-cons and was in the area I wanted...

But I certainly wouldn't sit back and wait for the house to come to me. I'd have to put myself in a place where houses could be found, so I knew I'd be in the right place to find my ideal property.

Now sure, when it comes to life partners, I do a little, but...well, not enough. Why? Scared of getting a knockback. Not that I would ask a man out these days - been there, done that, never works. But rejection sucks donkey cock.

But would I stop looking entirely, stop looking even cautiously? No. Because then I'm telling the universe "I'm single and I want to stay that way," and that would be a lie.

So while I'm not trawling the streets, willing to take just anyone, I'm not going to stop at least keeping my eye out.

I mean, those people who say "Stop looking." Exactly what do you mean by that? Not have a social life? Cut yourself off from all contact with the opposite sex?

Or just enjoy a normal social life and see what happens? Cause, uh...that's what we're doing. And so far it hasn't worked.

But I know that becoming a hermit would work even less.

Although I have to admit sometimes I get discouraged and living in a hermitage seems an attractive idea...

Shadow_Ferret
01-08-2009, 07:11 PM
Anyway- my point is the things you want sometimes come to you when you aren't looking for them-
I do understand SP's point that if you stop shopping, the house won't just fall into your lap, but this point Sheadakota made, well, sometimes things happen. Sometimes your life goes on cruise control, you think you're stuck or if not stuck then settled in to a situation. You aren't looking to change, or you've given up caring, you've given up essentially and accepted your lot in life.

Then it gradually creeps up on you. They just seemed like innocent conversations on a forum to you. Nothing special. Until one day... WHAM!

It hits you unexpectedly like a speeding freight train and you're bashed into the woods to be left bleeding and bruised wondering what the hell have I gotten myself into?

Love is funny that way. :D

James81
01-08-2009, 07:11 PM
I think the idea behind "stop looking" is that you shouldn't be constantly looking at people with that careful eye.

I don't think the poster was advocating holing up in a room somewhere and just not looking. I think the idea is more of a "stop looking around in all your social interactions for a partner" or to stop dating with the idea of marriage in mind. Just have fun, go out and live and enjoy your life and finding a mate will become a byproduct of that. Else you are just going to make yourself miserable with impatience.

scarletpeaches
01-08-2009, 07:12 PM
...They just seemed like innocent conversations on a forum to you. Nothing special. Until one day... WHAM!...Love is funny that way. :D

Have you forgotten about the restraining order, Weasel? :rant:

Kidding.

James81
01-08-2009, 07:14 PM
They just seemed like innocent conversations on a forum to you. Nothing special. Until one day... WHAM!



Wow, I had no idea you felt that way about me.

James81
01-08-2009, 07:15 PM
This is kinda awkward.

Shadow_Ferret
01-08-2009, 07:20 PM
Have you forgotten about the restraining order, Weasel? :rant:

Kidding.
I'll be arriving shortly. Amazing how you can go wireless on a plane. :)

selkn.asrai
01-08-2009, 07:26 PM
I think the idea behind "stop looking" is that you shouldn't be constantly looking at people with that careful eye.

I don't think the poster was advocating holing up in a room somewhere and just not looking. I think the idea is more of a "stop looking around in all your social interactions for a partner" or to stop dating with the idea of marriage in mind. Just have fun, go out and live and enjoy your life and finding a mate will become a byproduct of that. Else you are just going to make yourself miserable with impatience.


Yes, that is what I advocating. Thanks. :)

LadyVonFright
01-08-2009, 07:53 PM
Everyone wants what they don't have.
If your married, you suddenly want to be single, if your single, you want that special someone. Both situations are great, but they all have their downsides as well, so I figure whatever situation you are in, you should make the best of it and be happy.

I was actually going to write a longer piece but I am at work and keep getting distracted by phone calls and co-workers, I hate not being able to concentrate on things that are important to me!!! :P

cray
01-08-2009, 07:55 PM
get comfortable in your own skin?

scarletpeaches
01-08-2009, 07:59 PM
Impossible. I have eczema.

CaroGirl
01-08-2009, 08:06 PM
Being married is a hell of a lot of work. Daily. Thankfully I found someone who lets me have my life and friends, has his life and friends, AND enjoys doing things as a family as well. We have a lot of balance, which works well for us. Some couples I know cling to each other and won't do anything apart. That's a bit weird to me. I'm not my husband and he isn't me. I don't apologize for him or take responsibility for him. When he's a goof, he's a goof all by himself.

I have never lived alone. In Uni, I had housemates all 4 years and then I moved in with the boyfriend/fiance/husband. Part of me regrets it but you can't have everything.

The best advice is to be yourself. Do the things you love to do and if you strike up a relationship with someone in the process, good on you.

Shadow_Ferret
01-08-2009, 08:10 PM
Everyone wants what they don't have.
If your married, you suddenly want to be single, if your single, you want that special someone. Both situations are great, but they all have their downsides as well, so I figure whatever situation you are in, you should make the best of it and be happy.

Actually, married or single, I think its about wanting that special someone. Period.

LadyVonFright
01-08-2009, 08:17 PM
Actually, married or single, I think its about wanting that special someone. Period.


I agree with you but if thats teh case why is everyone I meet that is married either cheating, or wishing they never got married??

scarletpeaches
01-08-2009, 08:22 PM
Because they married the wrong person. I think that was his point.

Shadow_Ferret
01-08-2009, 08:22 PM
Everyone? I know a lot of happy marriages.

But to answer your question, just because you're married doesn't mean you found that special someone. Maybe they married for the wrong reasons. Maybe one of them changed somehow to become someone else. Maybe the settled instead of continuing the search for their "soul mate." I don't know, but the reasons are as diverse as the number of divorces out there.

ETA: Thanks SP. You said it more succinctly. :)

LadyVonFright
01-08-2009, 09:02 PM
yeah i suppose you're right, but what about those people that say they love someone to death, but yet they want to sleep with other people? mid life crisis perhaps?

maestrowork
01-08-2009, 09:08 PM
Like having a bad agent v.s no agent... sometimes being single is much better than being married to the wrong person.

scarletpeaches
01-08-2009, 09:10 PM
You know, I'm tired of hearing that. As if those are the only choices to be made.

How about wanting to be married...to the right person?

Just because one is tired of being single doesn't mean they'll take anyone.

maestrowork
01-08-2009, 09:15 PM
yeah i suppose you're right, but what about those people that say they love someone to death, but yet they want to sleep with other people? mid life crisis perhaps?

Separation of love and sex?

I love my parents to death, but it doesn't mean I want to sleep with them. :)

CaroGirl
01-08-2009, 09:18 PM
I think part of the problem is people expect some kind of happily ever after, without needing to work and compromise and sometimes be unhappy. Most of the time I believe I married the right person but there are times when I think another man might treat me better or might be better suited to me. We have to make choices and hope that they're the right ones. I don't know if I believe in "soul mates," especially because it gives people the excuse to throw relationships that need a bit of work into the dumpster.

I'm not talking about abusive or toxic relationships here, either. Those need to end for the health of the person who's being abused.

LadyVonFright
01-08-2009, 09:18 PM
Separation of love and sex?

I love my parents to death, but it doesn't mean I want to sleep with them. :)

no that would be silly but loving someone that you thought loved you in the same way suddenly turns the tables on you and pulls out the "if i could have you AND every other woman in the continent" card, how can you still associate that as love?

scarletpeaches
01-08-2009, 09:19 PM
I've used the phrase 'the right person' in this thread which is perhaps misleading of my beliefs. I don't for one second believe in 'Mr Right' or 'soul mates'.

So I maybe should have talked about being married to a right person, not the right person.

scarletpeaches
01-08-2009, 09:20 PM
no that would be silly but loving someone that you thought loved you in the same way suddenly turns the tables on you and pulls out the "if i could have you AND every other woman in the continent" card, how can you still associate that as love?

Or how about "If I could have you and every other man in the continent?"

Women get bored too.

LadyVonFright
01-08-2009, 09:21 PM
Or how about "If I could have you and every other man in the continent?"

Women get bored too.


ahhh yes, I forgot about that! thank you dear :)

CaroGirl
01-08-2009, 09:22 PM
Mr. Right and Soul Mate are just euphemisms for "marrying this dude might not be the biggest mistake of my life."

James81
01-08-2009, 09:26 PM
Separation of love and sex?

I love my parents to death, but it doesn't mean I want to sleep with them. :)

You can never truly know someone....until you sleep with them. :tongue

Yeshanu
01-08-2009, 09:29 PM
I think part of the problem is people expect some kind of happily ever after, without needing to work and compromise and sometimes be unhappy. Most of the time I believe I married the right person but there are times when I think another man might treat me better or might be better suited to me. We have to make choices and hope that they're the right ones. I don't know if I believe in "soul mates," especially because it gives people the excuse to throw relationships that need a bit of work into the dumpster.

I'm not talking about abusive or toxic relationships here, either. Those need to end for the health of the person who's being abused.

Quoted for wisdom.

Someone upthread said something to the point that making a marriage work is, well, work.

Being single and happy is work too. If you're allergic to work, you're going to have a rough ride in life, married or single. If you're willing to do what's necessary to make the relationship work, things get a lot easier. (And as Caro said, this DOES NOT apply to abusive relationships, which are a perversion of a real relationship.)

As for happy singles still wanting mates, I think that's natural. We want someone to grow old with, to share both the burdens and joys of daily living with, someone to laugh with when we're happy and hug us when we're sad. We want someone who knows us well enough to share "in-jokes" with, who speaks a secret language that only we understand. Someone who's with us for the long haul, and who cares about us more than anyone else in the world.

To me, that's what marriage is all about.

James81
01-08-2009, 09:34 PM
Someone upthread said something to the point that making a marriage work is, well, work.



Personally, I think the "marriage requires incredible amounts of work" that everybody likes to throw around to be a load of pure bunk myself. But that's just me.

Shadow_Ferret
01-08-2009, 09:35 PM
OK. Marriage is about finding a person that you WANT to WORK together on the relationship with.

Because as noted above, there probably are no Mr. Or Miss Rights, no soul mates, but there are "damn, this person is pretty darn close and I really don't want to screw this up so I'm going to work awfully hard to make this succeed and I believe within my heart that they want to do the same"s out there.

Ken
01-08-2009, 09:40 PM
...people often enter into bad marriages and relationships because they use "looks and physical appeal" as the prime criteria for the selection they make, instead of choosing someone on the merits of a their personality and whatnot. I've been guilty of this, myself, going for someone simply because they've got a nice rack while completely ignoring their demonic natures.

scarletpeaches
01-08-2009, 09:54 PM
Looks and a pleasing personality aren't mutually exclusive. You don't have to choose.

You're allowed to have both.

cray
01-08-2009, 09:55 PM
...even if it involves sewing two people together?

scarletpeaches
01-08-2009, 09:56 PM
Well look at me. I'm gorgeous, intelligent and have a wonderful personality.

Okay, 37 of the buggers.

But you see my point.

NeuroFizz
01-08-2009, 10:00 PM
Finders Keepers

Sometimes
the bottom of a shoe
finds what we
can't see
and only our
sole of souls
doesn't regret it
since we were
looking to pick it up
in the first place

James81
01-08-2009, 10:04 PM
Looks and a pleasing personality aren't mutually exclusive. You don't have to choose.

You're allowed to have both.

Unless you are a man looking for a woman. Then you have to choose. :D

maestrowork
01-08-2009, 10:06 PM
no that would be silly but loving someone that you thought loved you in the same way suddenly turns the tables on you and pulls out the "if i could have you AND every other woman in the continent" card, how can you still associate that as love?

I don't see it as black and white, though. It really depends on the people involved. I know people who are in polyamorous or open relationships and they're definitely in love with each other... I think it depends on your definition of love -- is it limited to one person? Is it about possession (you're mine and I'm yours, and nobody else's). Does having sex with someone else (even with consent) means you love each other any less?

To some people, love means "to death do us part and we can only sleep with each other." That's great, but we can't see it as the only way love works between two people. To me, there is a big spectrum out there and as long as the people involved are in agreement and fine by the rules.

Ken
01-08-2009, 10:07 PM
Looks and a pleasing personality aren't mutually exclusive. You don't have to choose.

You're allowed to have both.

I actually had tacked this on to the end of my post, but then deleted it. I had worded it something like this:

(This isn't to say that there aren't attractive people with great personalities. I've known several, who oddly had difficulty in entering into relationships, themselves.)

Just seemed like too awkwardly phrased of a statement to leave in the post. So I just deleted it.

maestrowork
01-08-2009, 10:08 PM
Looks and a pleasing personality aren't mutually exclusive. You don't have to choose.

You're allowed to have both.


I'm still accepting marriage proposals...

Shadow_Ferret
01-08-2009, 10:22 PM
Sorry, Ray, but after the mood ring fiasco, no way.


Unless you are a man looking for a woman. Then you have to choose. :D

:Wha:

James81
01-08-2009, 10:27 PM
:Wha:

Show me a man who is happy in his marriage and I'll show you a man who has an ugly wife.


































*flame suit on, Go go power rangers*

sassandgroove
01-08-2009, 10:29 PM
when I was young and single, i kept my eye out but if I got to know a guy and decided he'd be a better friend than a boyfriend, I was cool with that. I would go out to eat by myself, go to movies by myself, I lived alone. I was fine with myself. I like my company. But I still felt a little lonely sometimes.

When I decided I didn't want to be single anymore, I didn't actually say it allowed. I actually set a goal to "expand my social circle" becuase I thought it sounded pathetic to say, even to myself, "find a husband." When I did that, I met some cool people, landed dates right and left, and met my husband. :)

But you do need to be comfortable with yourself and you shouldn't date someone just to not be alone.

I LOVE being married, love it love it. Whomever it was that said everyone they know cheats or whatever, they must only know people who got married for the wrong reason.

ETA: Gee I wonder why a certain person here is divorced.

Shadow_Ferret
01-08-2009, 10:30 PM
Your mysogyny gets a little tiresome, james.

James81
01-08-2009, 10:35 PM
Your mysogyny gets a little tiresome, james.

I'm just messing around. lol

Not to say I can't be slightly misogynic at times, of course, but it's really just a darker part of my humor. Most people don't find it funny or what not, but I do.

*leaves thread to go see a therapist*

:tongue

dpaterso
01-08-2009, 10:48 PM
Not to say I can't be slightly misogynic at times, of course, but it's really just a darker part of my humor. Most people don't find it funny or what not, but I do.
There's no slightly about it, and you're right, most don't find it funny. Such comments also tend to have a cumulative effect, as in straw, camel, snap. I wouldn't want to deprive you of your joy, but it would be real nice if you could keep this under control.

-Derek

MsK
01-08-2009, 11:08 PM
I won't say I never want to be married or in a relationship again, but I will say that I do not mind being single, at all.

The only times it occurs to me that there is anything 'unusual' about my single status is at gatherings such as family parties, weddings and funerals.

About a year ago, I attended the funeral of an old high school girlfriend's mother, and I remember watching my girlfriend's husband comfort her, and looking around to see several more of my girlfriends sitting in the pews with their husbands arms draped around them, and I thought, "Did I miss the boat here? All this time, I've been thinking I'm living my life on my own terms (not settling), and that I was the one doing it the right way... Did these people somehow know something I didn't know?"
Well, the girlfriend whose mother passed is now getting divorced, so, *shrug*.

I've been in plenty of long term relationships, been married (for a very short time) once, and it all comes back to the same thing... try as I may, I keep picking the same types of men (even when they're disguised differently).

As far as whether I would want to be in a relationship again, yes, I would. But... only if I was certain I wouldn't pick the same kind of man I have in the past. And until I get myself into a better economic position, I fear I'd fall in the same trap I always have.

Signed,
Unaccompanied and okay with it in California :)

CaroGirl
01-08-2009, 11:09 PM
I'm just messing around. lol

Not to say I can't be slightly misogynic at times, of course, but it's really just a darker part of my humor. Most people don't find it funny or what not, but I do.

*leaves thread to go see a therapist*

:tongue
Well, I tend to feel that comments like those are not the product of a wicked sense of humour that the rest of us just don't get. I "get" that you're trying to be funny. In this case, it's not that some of us have a different sense of humour; it's just really, truly not funny. Truly. I promise. And I'm not even in the least offended by it.

TerzaRima
01-08-2009, 11:09 PM
Unless you are a man looking for a woman. Then you have to choose.

Now, what's always been fascinating to me is that one generally (not specifically you, James) tends to hear this dichotomy espoused by guys whose last "date" was a solo session with a bunch of Deep Space Nine DVDs and a quantity of calamine lotion.

Shadow_Ferret
01-08-2009, 11:18 PM
Ew. That's just wrong!

Calamine lotion?

Then you get all pinkish.

Thump
01-08-2009, 11:31 PM
Aww! I know exactly how you feel! The past three years, it's seemed to me like everyone is pairing up. Not just casual relationships either. I'm talking about "shacking up, talking about the future" sort of relationships and there I was... having had all of 1 boyfriend ever that lasted 3 months only because we only saw each other a couple of times a week and the sex was good. Then I left him because, well, no relationship IS better than a bad relationship.

For three years I went back to singledom, feeling a bit left out but generally enjoying life being single (I love going to the movies on my own!). Just as I decided that whatever will be will be and never again having a partner (after a good three year dry spell >_<), a guy walks into my life I chose to ask out. It's not the most amazing relationship ever and I don't think it's gonna last long (at least I broke my 3 month record :P) but it's good enough for now.

My best-friend OTOH, just broke up with her 4 year boyfriend (which I was happy to hear, he was a jerk). She got too serious with him too fast (her first boyfriend) and now she tells me she hadn't realized how lost in the 'us' she had been and that she didn't know who she was as an 'I' and was enjoying rediscovering herself. Being single is great. She even apologized for having ever made fun of me for going places on my own :p

Ken
01-08-2009, 11:31 PM
If you wanna be happy
For the rest of your life,
Never make a pretty woman your wife,
So from my personal point of view,
Get an ugly girl to marry you.

Not saying I agree with these song lyrics by any means -- which I absolutely do not.
Just posting it here to show that such a perspective was once put forth and devoured by the public, sending the song by Jimmy Soul to the top of the Billboard Top 100 in 1962 :-O

(Still hear it on the radio, from time to time, and promptly turn it off and give my radio a thwack.)

Shadow_Ferret
01-08-2009, 11:34 PM
Not saying I agree with these song lyrics by any means -- which I absolutely do not.
Just posting it here to show that such a perspective was once put forth and devoured by the public, sending the song by Jimmy Soul to the top of the Billboard Top 100 in 1962 :-O
Maybe so, but I think we've grown and matured as a society in the last half century.

Ken
01-08-2009, 11:38 PM
Maybe so, but I think we've grown and matured as a society in the last half century.

...knock wood.

DeleyanLee
01-09-2009, 12:08 AM
I think that there is still a big push toward coupledom in our culture. It's not as bad as it was when I was younger, but it is still there. (I mean, little girls aren't raised to believe they need to go to college to get their MRS like I was.)

I think there's an unconscious societial push towards coupledom because there's some part of the culture that still wants to believe the myths of Ozzie & Harriet and Donna Reed can be true and wonderful for everyone. I don't think a lot of people actually realize that's what they're doing or how uncomfortable it makes their single friends. Or they don't care, or something. After all--doesn't everyone want to be married?

Simple answer is: No. Not everyone does. Just like not everyone is heterosexual, eats meat or is a Christian. People have different needs, wants and desires and the important thing in life is to realize what's important for YOU at any given moment and go for it.

I've been single for 17 years now, since my divorce after a marriage of almost 7 years. It's been 15 years since I've had a man in my life. Does it get lonely sometimes? Sure it does. Does it seem like everyone around me's getting married and having babies? Sometimes. Does it make me question my decision to stay single and not "shop around"? Not that often. I know that the wedding is a day and a marriage is for life. I don't begrudge people a day for their happiness. Babies are also a lifetime commitment and if I like the person enough, I'll contribute a gift to them being able to fulfill that commitment at the shower and be happy and excited for them because they're my friends. My life is more than a couple days celebrating the happiness of other people. And if they get obnoxious about sharing their happiness the rest of the time, I'm bitch enough to tell them to cut it out because they're annoying me. Friendship still has its limitations and coworkership has even more.

CaroGirl
01-09-2009, 12:25 AM
I think that there is still a big push toward coupledom in our culture.
I think for most people coupling is more than societal. It's anthropological. Procreation is necessary for continuance of the species. When it comes right down to it, we're animals with survival instincts. We need the protection a family unit provides, we're (generally) programmed to want children and, yes, sex (which actually comes before the children but I wanted to leave it last for dramatic effect). And, thankfully, a smallish percentage of the population can quite happily lead alternative lifestyles without wreaking havoc to the general population.

sassandgroove
01-09-2009, 12:27 AM
I think there's an unconscious societial push towards coupledom because there's some part of the culture that still wants to believe the myths of Ozzie & Harriet and Donna Reed can be true and wonderful for everyone. I don't think a lot of people actually realize that's what they're doing or how uncomfortable it makes their single friends. Or they don't care, or something. After all--doesn't everyone want to be married?
Exactly. WHen you're single it's "So when are you going to get married." Then you think you're safe when you finally get married, and it becomes, "So when are you going to have a baby?" And my cousin said after the first baby, people still bother you, "So when are you going to have another?" Sheesh. You know, it is valid to either not want to be married or not want kids. And no one besides my mother, and even she has her limits, should be allowed to ask me that unless I've brought it up.

I also agree with Caro girl on the anthropology thing.

veinglory
01-09-2009, 12:31 AM
Um, "when" you get married? Assumptions like that are the reason people get pestered about whatever their status is. Being single isn't being pitifully "pre-married" at any age--just like being childless isn't being frigid or barren. At any time of history with good records 10-30% of British women never married, some proportion of them by preference and free choice.

sassandgroove
01-09-2009, 12:33 AM
are you responding to me or making a general statment? Becuase I thought I was clear in saying it was valid to want to remain single.

James81
01-09-2009, 01:07 AM
Well, I tend to feel that comments like those are not the product of a wicked sense of humour that the rest of us just don't get. I "get" that you're trying to be funny. In this case, it's not that some of us have a different sense of humour; it's just really, truly not funny. Truly. I promise. And I'm not even in the least offended by it.

It's really not that it's not funny, it's just that it's not funny to certain people. And it's understandable. I mean, I don't like Carrot Top. It doesn't mean that I hate him, I just don't see how people can think he's funny.


Um, "when" you get married? Assumptions like that are the reason people get pestered about whatever their status is. Being single isn't being pitifully "pre-married" at any age--just like being childless isn't being frigid or barren. At any time of history with good records 10-30% of British women never married, some proportion of them by preference and free choice.

On a more serious not, I really don't see marriage as an option for me again (unless a solid prenup is in place). But that's just because:

1. I've been down the divorce road and I see how screwed up the laws in our country our and how one side tends to be favored over the other or how some states just wave the favor entirely and say no one is to blame when there is very clear blame to be had.

2. I don't believe I need a piece of paper from the government to make a lifelong commitment to a woman. I don't. I can stand before my family and friends and make a vow and not have to bring the government into it.

scarletpeaches
01-09-2009, 01:39 AM
But you'll bring lawyers into it in the form of a pre-nup?

I see a pre-nup as arranging to get divorced at some point, not something I want to be contemplating on my wedding day. Some see me as too practical and pragmatic to be romantic, but on this, I take an entirely romantic view. I'd never sign a pre-nup, not get seriously involved with a man who expected me to sign one. It's far too pessimistic for what should be an optimistic day. An optimistic marriage, rather.

But on a side note to something that's already been mentioned...from an anthropological (?) point of view, how would one explain those with a desire to be married, but no desire to have children?

scarletpeaches
01-09-2009, 01:59 AM
when I was young and single, i kept my eye out but if I got to know a guy and decided he'd be a better friend than a boyfriend, I was cool with that. I would go out to eat by myself, go to movies by myself, I lived alone. I was fine with myself. I like my company. But I still felt a little lonely sometimes.

Yeah, that's me all over. I don't eat out alone, but movies? Sure. Can you believe I have friends who take pity on me for going to the cinema alone? I don't think they get that I want to do certain things alone.

Other things? Not so much. ;)

Yes, it gets lonely at times and I've been advised to keep my time occupied to take my mind off it. Does it work? Well, no. Because then I'm left with the feeling of running, running, running away from...something. Avoiding loneliness.

Not to brag, because I don't like discussing this, but I do voluntary work. And I don't want to feel like I'm only doing it to keep myself occupied. I want to do it for the right reasons. I have the time and health to do so, so if I can help someone, great. I don't want to be doing it to keep my mind off my own problems, 'cause that's an insult to others. "I'm using you to keep my mind off my own loneliness." Wouldn't like that at all.


When I decided I didn't want to be single anymore, I didn't actually say it allowed. I actually set a goal to "expand my social circle" becuase I thought it sounded pathetic to say, even to myself, "find a husband." When I did that, I met some cool people, landed dates right and left, and met my husband. :)

I'd like to emulate this.

Especially the 'right and left' thing. First of all, what perfume do you use? :D

Maybe your secret is...you don't live in Scotland.

Single women - stay away! Save yourselves!


But you do need to be comfortable with yourself and you shouldn't date someone just to not be alone.

Yup.

But one fear I have is being single so long that I'll get used to it, despite my own desire for a life partner.

Sort of..."I want this, but shit, how do I handle it?!"


I LOVE being married, love it love it. Whomever it was that said everyone they know cheats or whatever, they must only know people who got married for the wrong reason.

You're the second person to say today that they love being married. Whenever I hear someone say they hate marriage, my immediate response is, "That attitude says a lot more about your character judgement and ability to pick a partner than the institution itself."

And when divorced people swear never to get involved again, I mean vehemently, I think, "Give it time, love. Give it time. Romance comes knocking, are you gonna ignore it? I think not."


I think that there is still a big push toward coupledom in our culture....I don't think a lot of people actually realize that's what they're doing or how uncomfortable it makes their single friends.

One experience I frequently have is well-meaning friends saying, "Oh don't worry, your time will come," or "You'll meet someone soon."

I know they want to see me happy, but I don't think they realise how hurtful it is. It doesn't help one bit to hear those words, because how do they know? I've been single most of my adult life, so there's no track record, evidence or tendency that way in my life. Nothing to indicate it ever will happen, so...well, desiring something and believing it'll happen are two completely different things.

Sorry for bringing this thread down. I should perhaps retire from it; I knew the subject would depress me, but like a loose tooth, I can't help giving it a poke to see if it still hurts.

Yep. It does.


...When it comes right down to it, we're animals with survival instincts. We need the protection a family unit provides, we're (generally) programmed to want children and, yes, sex (which actually comes before the children but I wanted to leave it last for dramatic effect). And, thankfully, a smallish percentage of the population can quite happily lead alternative lifestyles without wreaking havoc to the general population.

Not sure what to make of this post, to be honest.

Firstly, I think too much of the human race to label it as another branch of the animal kingdom.

Secondly, we don't need the protection of a family unit. I have no family (barring my stepdad, with whom I don't live anyway, so your point is moot) and look after myself, thank you.

Thirdly, I'm puzzled as to what you mean by 'alternative lifestyles'? Those who don't want kids? Those who are unmarried?

Both of which apply to me.

One of which will never change and the other...well, if I could change that status, I would, but unfortunately I'm unable to magic a husband out of thin air.

If that were possible, I'd have become Mrs Leto a long time ago.

Angie
01-09-2009, 02:04 AM
I see a pre-nup as arranging to get divorced at some point, not something I want to be contemplating on my wedding day.

Agreed, 100%. And, if you don't trust your potential mate enough to marry him/her without a pre-nup, then I have to wonder why you're marrying him/her in the first place?


But on a side note to something that's already been mentioned...from an anthropological (?) point of view, how would one explain those with a desire to be married, but no desire to have children?

I'm curious about this, too, as it pretty much describes me. I'm not averse to the idea of getting married again, but I just don't see myself as a mother. I'm perfectly happy spoiling my niece rotten and sending her back home. ;)

Cassiopeia
01-09-2009, 02:19 AM
I see a pre-nup as arranging to get divorced at some point, not something I want to be contemplating on my wedding day. I had a pre-nup for my second marriage. Was I planning to get divorced? No. People and romance are fallible. We fall in love sometimes for the wrong reasons even when we can't see it at the time. I fell in love for the right reasons the first time and as time passed (over a span of 13 years) he changed. Drastically. Things came to light that put me in a position (took 4 years to do it) where he left me no choice but to leave him. I don't know that I will ever get over the end of that marriage. He was the love of my life and the father of my children.

I never thought my first marriage would end. When I decided to marry the second time, I married for the wrong reasons the second time. I found out later I didn't really know him like I thought I did. And you know what, I think deep down I knew that because three weeks before the wedding I wanted to call it off but I let myself get talked into going against my instincts. Six months after the marriage began he started with threats of violence even to the point the threatening to kill my children. In the two years I had dated him he gave no indication he was like that.

In fact, our family therapist told me he had a borderline personality disorder and was OCD as well. Combined with everything we were going through he couldn't behave anymore. He developed facial ticks and would make horrific sounds (don't laugh, not unsimilar to gollum). I'm telling you I had NO idea.
I was going through a great deal at the time I was planning my second (eight years after the first marriage ended). And you know what? I was right. So having a prenuptial agreement protected my assets. The marriage ended after just 11 months. And rightfully so.

So I will let you keep your romantic notions, sweetie. Just remember some of us have gone to hell and back again more than we care to think about. I wish life and love were like I want them to be. They just aren't for me. I guess, what I'm getting at is, try not to judge those of us who do have pre-nupts too harshly. We have just as valid of reasons for using them as you do for not having one.

ETA: I just wanted to add as well, that had my second husband not threatened people with violence and even threatened to kill them, I would have helped him through his disorders. After all, I did love him but my primary responsibility is to keep my children safe. They weren't safe.

sassandgroove
01-09-2009, 02:20 AM
I'd like to emulate this.

Especially the 'right and left' thing. First of all, what perfume do you use? heheh on second thought, maybe I should PM you instead....as far as scent, I just wash myself....;)

CaroGirl
01-09-2009, 02:26 AM
Not sure what to make of this post, to be honest.

Firstly, I think too much of the human race to label it as another branch of the animal kingdom.

Secondly, we don't need the protection of a family unit. I have no family (barring my stepdad, with whom I don't live anyway, so your point is moot) and look after myself, thank you.

Thirdly, I'm puzzled as to what you mean by 'alternative lifestyles'? Those who don't want kids? Those who are unmarried?

Both of which apply to me.

One of which will never change and the other...well, if I could change that status, I would, but unfortunately I'm unable to magic a husband out of thin air.

If that were possible, I'd have become Mrs Leto a long time ago.
I think a great deal of the human race also but I don't think we can deny even us humans operate with a certain amount of instinctual behaviour. As a whole, we're governed both by intellect and by primal needs. Sex is an instinct, so is eating, so are all our reflexes, and the attraction we feel to other humans (opposite sex or otherwise). The primal desire for self-preservation guides us also. The vast majority of the population also desires protection--often in the form of a family unit/marriage but also in the form of a friend network--and procreation.

The human population is large and diverse enough not to be impacted by what I called "alternative lifestyles," by which I mean those who don't desire marriage, who desire someone of the same sex, or who choose to remain childless, or any combination thereof. People are, thankfully, free to choose any life they want, provided it doesn't harm others. That doesn't mean your mother won't beg you for grandchildren every 5 minutes.

Oh, and I agree with you on the pre-nup. Never in a million years.

scarletpeaches
01-09-2009, 02:30 AM
...I think deep down I knew that because three weeks before the wedding I wanted to call it off but I let myself get talked into going against my instincts...

That was your warning right there.

If I found myself in that situation I wouldn't need a pre-nup because I wouldn't be getting married.


heheh on second thought, maybe I should PM you instead....as far as scent, I just wash myself....;)

So you think if I bathe occasionally that would help?


...That doesn't mean your mother won't beg you for grandchildren every 5 minutes...

Mine was as thick as pigshit but even she wouldn't dare.

Yeshanu
01-09-2009, 02:36 AM
I see a pre-nup as arranging to get divorced at some point, not something I want to be contemplating on my wedding day. Some see me as too practical and pragmatic to be romantic, but on this, I take an entirely romantic view. I'd never sign a pre-nup, not get seriously involved with a man who expected me to sign one. It's far too pessimistic for what should be an optimistic day. An optimistic marriage, rather.


The one time I'd consider a pre-nup is if one person brought considerably more into the marriage in the way of financial assets than the other person. In this case, a written agreement as to whose money belongs to whom might give both partners a sense of security that they otherwise wouldn't have.

"You married me just for my money!" No he didn't, and it says so in the pre-nup.

But for two ordinary people, with ordinary assets I feel a pre-nup is just another way to throw away your money and begin the relationship on a note of distrust.

scarletpeaches
01-09-2009, 02:37 AM
There wouldn't be accusations of marrying for money if the two people loved and trusted each other.

And if they didn't - why are they marrying?

Sophia
01-09-2009, 02:43 AM
There wouldn't be accusations of marrying for money if the two people loved and trusted each other.

And if they didn't - why are they marrying?


I can imagine a pre-nup being almost forced on the couple by relatives when one person is bringing considerably more financial assets to the marriage than the other. The couple would go along with it for the sake of family unity and smoothing tensions. It wouldn't speak to their commitment to each other. I'm thinking of this in terms of it happening in a story, where I think it could work very well to make the characters interesting and sympathetic, and could be used to set up plot threads.

scarletpeaches
01-09-2009, 02:44 AM
I suppose.

I'm thinking in terms of a woman with no family who has no one to answer to...a woman who wouldn't marry a man who could be so browbeaten by his family, either, if he had one.

Me! :D

Yeshanu
01-09-2009, 02:47 AM
There wouldn't be accusations of marrying for money if the two people loved and trusted each other.


I don't think that's true. We all have our doubts and fears; we all have devils who whisper in our ears in the middle of the dark night.

And love and trust can and do break down, and unfortunately if there's a lot of money up for grabs, it happens rather than more often than not. A solid pre-nup in this case might allay the fears, and if the marriage does break down, having it written down will save a lot of anger, tears and recrimination.

Interesting statistic--I'm not sure if it's true or not, but it's probably close to it: At the beginning of the 1900s (before the discovery of penicillin and other life-saving drugs) the average marriage lasted twelve years, because one or the other of the partners would have died.

At the end of the 1900s, the average length of a marriage was...

12 years.

"Until death do us part" had a radically different meaning just a century ago, and while we all know a few couples who have been together fifty years or more, that statistic keeps staring us in the face.

The average length of a marriage is 12 years or so, and while we all hope that when we marry we'll beat the odds, the odds are we won't.

And it's also interesting that money problems and disagreements seem to destroy as many marriages as sexual problems and disagreements. Being able to talk about money rationally, and to make written plans for the future (which may include a pre-nup for some couples) are the hallmarks of a mature relationship, not one destined for failure.

Sophia
01-09-2009, 02:48 AM
...a woman who wouldn't marry a man who could be so browbeaten by his family, either, if he had one.

It doesn't necessarily have to be about being browbeaten - a mixture of all sorts of complex factors might be involved. Love, loyalty, duty, obligation, blackmail, secrets, fear of an ancient curse involving the undead...

Yeshanu
01-09-2009, 02:52 AM
It doesn't necessarily have to be about being browbeaten - a mixture of all sorts of complex factors might be involved. Love, loyalty, duty, obligation, blackmail, secrets, fear of an ancient curse involving the undead...

I repped Elara for this, but wow! I think I've got some ideas for a pre-nup to put into my fantasy novel... :D

Cassiopeia
01-09-2009, 02:55 AM
The one time I'd consider a pre-nup is if one person brought considerably more into the marriage in the way of financial assets than the other person. In this case, a written agreement as to whose money belongs to whom might give both partners a sense of security that they otherwise wouldn't have.

"You married me just for my money!" No he didn't, and it says so in the pre-nup.

But for two ordinary people, with ordinary assets I feel a pre-nup is just another way to throw away your money and begin the relationship on a note of distrust.I should have said right from the beginning but I always hesitate to, that I had a considerable amount financially established. He had nothing but the clothes on his back and a small amount of savings. My second husband is from South Africa and was half my age. For his pride sake and to put the rumor mills to rest, he insisted that he sign one as well. His contention was/still is that he loved me and I loved him. We are still friends somewhat. We chat on MSN. He helps me out when I need it and visa versa and even admits that in those months he doesn't quite understand himself what went on. There's no bitterness between us for the most part. He knows what he did and he knows why I had to let him go.

Cassiopeia
01-09-2009, 02:55 AM
That was your warning right there.

If I found myself in that situation I wouldn't need a pre-nup because I wouldn't be getting married. Then you my friend are wiser than I was.

scarletpeaches
01-09-2009, 02:57 AM
Wiser? Hell no.

Just ignored my own gut instinct one too many times in the past. Thankfully never on the point of getting married, though.

Not saying it'd be easy, but...I believe we always know deep down whether we're doing right or wrong. It's just a matter of mustering the courage to act on those instincts.

Cassiopeia
01-09-2009, 03:05 AM
Wiser? Hell no.

Just ignored my own gut instinct one too many times in the past. Thankfully never on the point of getting married, though.

Not saying it'd be easy, but...I believe we always know deep down whether we're doing right or wrong. It's just a matter of mustering the courage to act on those instincts.

Yes well, I didn't lack courage. I had people coming at me from all sides and my daughter had just been arrested and we were going through the whole detoxing her from crystal meth and going to court and rehab and so on and so forth.

You have no idea how hard it is to make decisions when you are spinning so fast in circles and your whole self esteem is shot to hell because you thought you could protect your kids from things like that. You spend their whole life up to that point being the best mom you can be and suddenly the world is at an end when they handcuff her right in front of you and she is being read her rights.

I had people telling me what a crappy mom I had been, how I couldn't get through it without my fiance, how I wasn't loved by anyone and if he loved me I should do it because I would be alone the rest of my life if I didn't and one of my sons said to me he thought I didn't want to get married cos I was to greedy to let go of my alimony. And that is just a sample of what life was like for me during that time frame.

In any case, not everything is so cut and dry, SP. I wish it was. As for me. I'm going to excuse myself now.

You all have a great discussion.

sassandgroove
01-09-2009, 03:06 AM
I sort of got my mom to back off about grand kids when she sent me a mother's day card that said hint hint, so I replied with a picture of our dog. Now she talks about her grand dog, and sends the dog gifts and cards. I guess she took MY hint. :D

Bravo
01-09-2009, 03:07 AM
IMO, prenups are the greatest invention since marriage.

Don Allen
01-09-2009, 03:08 AM
So I like my life. It's not perfect. But it has its moments. I work (2 jobs). I go to school. I write. I see movies. Sometimes I even interact with people I consider friends-mostly it's just with people I consider co-workers. I don't have time for much else.



Then I remember what my last relationship was like. Or even my last date. OMG Hide me!

I like being able to choose the movie with no arguments. Or the restaurant. Or even having the ability to claim the covers as my own. All the pillows on this side of the bed? Sure!



I miss having someone to curl up against. To question the hero's stupidity

Thank you for listening to me rant. After learning of someone's engagement I just couldn't take it anymore. I'm okay with being single but sometimes it gets to me)


Annabella,

You might just be in a situation where you fall in the category of needing something different. I'm not talking about changing your sexual preference, but perhaps you need an older more mature man to relate to. I'm not applying for the job, just saying that sometimes you may have standards or could be looking for qualities in a man that a lad in your age group dosen't fit. Now I'm not suggesting you find grandpa jones to have a fling with, but maybe someone a little older, or a little more laid back and open to your wants and needs might fit the bill. Remember, with a little age comes a little more maturity, (most of the time) and a little more apprieciation of what a woman wants or needs in her life. If not, don't worry, it sounds like you actually have a pretty good thing going on in your single life right now, and you're probably more of the envy to your friends that they are willing to let on.

maestrowork
01-09-2009, 03:14 AM
For every moment I think singledom sucks, I have to remind myself that there's someone out there who, at the same moment, thinks his or her marriage/relationship sucks.

There really is no one answer to everything. I've learned, from experience, to be happy no matter what, whether I'm in a long-term or short-term relationship or by myself. That's the only way to live.

A friend of mine has filled her head with the idea that she can never be happy unless she's married, and only to the right guy. Well, she's 42 now and still not married, still unhappy, still looking for that fairytale happily ever after.

Annabella
01-09-2009, 03:53 AM
Oh wow! My little thread really grew! And it spawned some really good discussions. The reason I started the thread was because I learned of the engagement of the guy I had one of those pacts with. You know, the when-we-are-thirty-and-still-single-we'll-get-married kinda things. (Don't kill me-we were 17!) We had lost touch. And had we made it to thirty and were still single I would not have married him (I am much more mature at the ripe old age of 24). But I got into the why him and not me pity party. I can't really say I'm lonely right now. I fill my time. But, like ScarletPeaches, I am looking for a partner in crime. I'm planning two road trips and a rafting trip this summer. And I have friends willing to go on one road trip but have begged out of the others(one is getting married this winter and apparently there is a lot to do for the wedding over the summer...)I just want someone who when I call at 1 am on a Tuesday and say road trip they are packed and on my doorstep in 20 min. Perhaps I just need a new group of friends. But living in a small town and working so much it's hard to meet people outside of my coworkers. So yeah, my pity party ended shortly after I wrote the post and then got to work on the movie my cousin and I are putting together...

I'm going to go catch up on the posts and then perhaps do some homework.

adarkfox
01-09-2009, 03:54 AM
It's better to be single than in an unhealthy relationship... loneliness is like one of those sick rites of passage for life. You have to go through it to really truly appreciate the flipside ;)

truelyana
01-09-2009, 04:24 AM
Great that you have shared. It's natural to air out what you are going through. Things usually happen on their own accordance, when you least expect them the majority of cases. You needn't feel left out, you seem to be happy just as you are. Enjoy who you are, that's what we are here to do. The life of others is easily influential at times, and thats really draining, especially under these cases, where everyone is doing things on the opposite end to you. Just remember there is no rush, and whatever will be will be.

James81
01-09-2009, 06:01 AM
But you'll bring lawyers into it in the form of a pre-nup?

Nah, it's more likely that I'd just never get married. Again, though, that's from a purely legal point of view. I never said that I wouldn't ever have a wedding again or make a vow to commit to someone again. I'll just never make it legal, simply because the laws are too far out of whack and biased at this time.


I see a pre-nup as arranging to get divorced at some point, not something I want to be contemplating on my wedding day. Some see me as too practical and pragmatic to be romantic, but on this, I take an entirely romantic view. I'd never sign a pre-nup, not get seriously involved with a man who expected me to sign one. It's far too pessimistic for what should be an optimistic day. An optimistic marriage, rather.



I view it in the same way I view a life insurance policy. I purchase a life insurance policy not because I EVER hope to use it (because using it means I"m dead and I don't want to die right now), but I know it's there and that the security it provides SHOULD I have to use it or rather, should my family every have to use it.

Prenup is the same thing. I never want to use it, but it's there if I need it. Only someone who has been through the legal system and gotten screwed by it can understand that though.

And I wouldn't marry a girl (not legally) without one. I'm ok with the fact that there are girls out there who won't sign one. I recognize that those girls are simply incompatibile with me.

Cassiopeia
01-09-2009, 06:39 AM
For every moment I think singledom sucks, I have to remind myself that there's someone out there who, at the same moment, thinks his or her marriage/relationship sucks.

There really is no one answer to everything. I've learned, from experience, to be happy no matter what, whether I'm in a long-term or short-term relationship or by myself. That's the only way to live.

A friend of mine has filled her head with the idea that she can never be happy unless she's married, and only to the right guy. Well, she's 42 now and still not married, still unhappy, still looking for that fairytale happily ever after.I agree with you. You learn to be happy with yourself and accept your life as it is. When I was in those two marriages I gave them all I had and you know what, I came out with three great blessings from the first marriage and I learned a heck of a lot from the second. Sometimes the things we value the most are those things we learn from our imperfections.

nevada
01-09-2009, 08:10 AM
okay. 44, not married, longest relationship lasted two weeks, no kids, (by choice since I was 16). Why? Because I wasn't ready. Didn't know that till this year. Of course, now that I am ready, I figure I'm too old and I've given up. Maybe i'll be one of those 80 yr old women you read about who get married in their nursing home to some 90 yr old geezer they met last week. lol

When it comes to my lack of relationship, I can't say that I'm happy or unhappy. I'm resigned. But I do like being able to do what I want when I want. I can get up at 2 am and cruise the internet without someone telling me that I'm addicted. I can drink all the diet coke I want and leave the empty cans everywhere and not have a husband going crazy about it. I can see any movie I want, when I want, without ever having to negotiate. Nobody wakes me up in the middle of the night to see if I'm dead because I haven't moved for an hour. (true story)

Of course, I also don't have sex, I don't have anyone to share my worries with when my mother needs another operation, I don't have anyone to spoil, when I get home from work exhausted and barely able to walk, there's no one to feel sorry for me and fix me dinner. This christmas, we decided to only buy presents for the kids for our family get together and my sister bought me a present because she realized that I had no one to buy me a present. That really sucked.

It's a trade off. I'm resigned to it being like this always and honestly, I'm not sure how well I'd adjust to having someone in my life. Do i want someone? Desperately. Would it be easy? Definitely not. I mean where am I gonna find someone who understands my obsession with Torchwood and won't roll his eyes every time I squeel when Ianto and Captain Jack kiss? Not gonna happen.

mario_c
01-09-2009, 09:21 AM
I'm probably gonna be single till I drop dead, which should be...any minute now.
OTOH I'm comfortable in my own space. I've fought hard to get here and shouldn't be guilty about enjoying it while it lasts. I've witnessed basically everyone I know have relationships which have ended with pain, homelessness and premature aging via divorce, and for some reason don't see that as much fun. And I don't want kids, which is a non-optional cost of a long term relationship.
Sorry, been a long horrible day so I'm a little down on the whole game. Go back to your feelgood discussion.

Cranky
01-09-2009, 10:13 AM
Interesting discussion. (Especially when you read it backwards, but hey, it's late and I felt like being eccentric about it)

I've been married since I was 24 (too young by a lot of people's standards), and only a few months after I met my husband. Oh, and I was preggers to boot. We eloped, too. Sounds like a recipe for disaster, doesn't it? We had a rough patch a few years ago, and while I don't believe we've completely rebuilt after that, we're pretty steady Eddie as far as that goes.

I did the single thing for awhile, and I did enjoy it, though I never did live alone. I've always had at least one roommate. That's one of the things I feel I've "missed out on" by being married. I also wonder sometimes what it would be like if I could just pack up and go on the spur of the moment, to watch what I want when I want, eat what I like without having to consider other people's wishes, I could go on and on. The fact of the matter is, though, that I'm pretty darn happy to be married. My husband is a good man who works hard to take care of us and loves me.

I will, however, agree with whomever it was that said that there's nothing quite like the loneliness you can feel when you're married. When things aren't going right, it's a pretty devastating feeling. That said, I have a hard time imagining being single again. It's odd. I do know this, though: if we ever were to split up, I wouldn't get married again. I have too much baggage. *shrug* And quite frankly, I don't think there's anyone else out there that would be willing to put up with me. :D

Shadow_Ferret
01-11-2009, 08:58 AM
Well, my mother always had some words of wisdom about being single and finding the right person. Let me see if I can remember exactly what she said. My momma said, you can't hurry love, no you just have to wait, she said, love dont' come easy, it's just a game of give and take.