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Cassiopeia
01-05-2009, 03:05 AM
...for snorted.

Context in which it is being used:

“God!” She snorted. “I’m too paranoid.” She shook herself and opened the door. “What can I do for you?”

Do women snort? I hate that word but scoffed didn't quite cut either.

Thanks ahead of time.

Toothpaste
01-05-2009, 03:07 AM
I actually quite like snorted, but it depends on the character of course. What about "tsked"? Again, not that great. "She rolled her eyes" but too many of those and you'll have your readers doing that too. "She laughed at herself"?

You know this is a tricky one, it'll be interesting to see what others suggest. Anyway, those are a few of mine.

Cassiopeia
01-05-2009, 03:15 AM
I actually quite like snorted, but it depends on the character of course. What about "tsked"? Again, not that great. "She rolled her eyes" but too many of those and you'll have your readers doing that too. "She laughed at herself"?

You know this is a tricky one, it'll be interesting to see what others suggest. Anyway, those are a few of mine.LOL. yeah I'm rolling my eyes at myself as well and wonder if I can't write this better! But it does go to show her state of mind.

nevada
01-05-2009, 03:24 AM
Do you need it? I think her dialogue speak for itself. Take that tag out completely and I don't think the meaning changes at all. Just a thought.

Cassiopeia
01-05-2009, 03:30 AM
Do you need it? I think her dialogue speak for itself. Take that tag out completely and I don't think the meaning changes at all. Just a thought.Hey! Now why didn't I think of that. :) You are right, I don't necessarily need that. Thanks, Nev.

nevada
01-05-2009, 03:40 AM
I'm always right. hehehehe

Cassiopeia
01-05-2009, 03:49 AM
I'm always right. hehehehe:ROFL:You know when I saw you had replied before I even clicked on this I thought I should have added, "but then you are always right."

:D Seriously though, thank you. I deleted the tag, put in a comma and waalaa! I like it.

Toothpaste
01-05-2009, 05:03 AM
Sometimes the simplest answer is the best (she said rolling her eyes at her own ability to have seen it) :) .

citymouse
01-05-2009, 05:25 AM
Yes women can snort, however, no one can snort words. They can't be laughed or spat either. Of course we all know what is meant with this usage. My editor redlined my first ms on these kinds of phrases until I cried enough! To which she relied, "You can't cry words." Grrrrrr:)
C


...for snorted.

Context in which it is being used:

“God!” She snorted. “I’m too paranoid.” She shook herself and opened the door. “What can I do for you?”

Do women snort? I hate that word but scoffed didn't quite cut either.

Thanks ahead of time.

Cassiopeia
01-05-2009, 05:32 AM
Yes women can snort, however, no one can snort words. They can't be laughed or spat either. Of course we all know what is meant with this usage. My editor redlined my first ms on these kinds of phrases until I cried enough! To which she relied, "You can't cry words." Grrrrrr:)
CLOL. Thanks. What a great way to relate it. I appreciate it.

Sean D. Schaffer
01-05-2009, 05:51 AM
...for snorted.

Context in which it is being used:

“God!” She snorted. “I’m too paranoid.” She shook herself and opened the door. “What can I do for you?”

Do women snort? I hate that word but scoffed didn't quite cut either.

Thanks ahead of time.


I've heard women snort, but at the same time, if your gut is telling you it's the wrong word, chances are it's the wrong word. :)

Maybe the word 'choked?' The context you've written this in, lends itself to something descriptive, at least to me as a reader. 'Snorted' does sound kind of difficult rolling off my tongue. But then again, so does 'choked.'

What about 'coughed' or even 'chuckled?' In any case, I hope you find the word you're looking for. :) Have a good night, and best wishes with your manuscript.

Tepelus
01-05-2009, 06:04 AM
I snort when I laugh hard...ha ha ha snort!

Cassiopeia
01-05-2009, 06:16 AM
Yeah but that's not the image I wanted to portrait in this book. It's supposed to be scary! Dang it!

Mumut
01-05-2009, 06:47 AM
My editor redlined my first ms on these kinds of phrases until I cried enough! To which she relied, "You can't cry words." Grrrrrr:)
C

That's exactly what I was thinking when I read the post. My editor would have refused to let it go. She even gets upset with words like 'muttered', even though that is a saying would as far as most dictionaries are concerned.

Toothpaste
01-05-2009, 06:48 AM
Except that the line wasn't: "God!" she snorted. The character didn't snort the word "God". The line was rather: "God!" She snorted. - Implying that the character said the word first, then snorted, then spoke again. "She snorted" wasn't a dialogue tag. At any rate, I personally still think Nevada's suggestion is the best.

Sean D. Schaffer
01-05-2009, 06:49 AM
Yeah but that's not the image I wanted to portrait in this book. It's supposed to be scary! Dang it!


It's supposed to be scary? That sheds a totally different light on your OP.

Once, I worked in a building that had all the sounds of a mausoleum. I worked Janitorial there, and it was an ancient office building by Portland's standards. It was called East Hall, and it was on the campus of Portland State University. I was terrified to have to work in that building, because it was so darned quiet.

Anyway, a guy walked up behind me and tapped me on the shoulder. I jumped, almost out of my skin, and shrieked in terror. I thought nobody was in the building except me, so when the gentleman, who happened to be working late, tapped me on the shoulder, I howled at the top of my lungs, and found myself shaking violently for the next several minutes.

Maybe something like that would do your line some good. Maybe something like:

"G-d!" she howled (or screamed, perhaps). "I'm too paranoid."'

Maybe you could re-invent your sentence to put something else in that works better, like:

'She jumped at the sound of the doorbell. "G-d!" she whispered, trembling. "I'm too paranoid!"

Of course, this is only one other writer's suggestion. Whatever you decide, I'm sure it will be exactly what works best for you. Good luck to you! :)

Cassiopeia
01-05-2009, 07:22 AM
Except that the line wasn't: "God!" she snorted. The character didn't snort the word "God". The line was rather: "God!" She snorted. - Implying that the character said the word first, then snorted, then spoke again. "She snorted" wasn't a dialogue tag. At any rate, I personally still think Nevada's suggestion is the best.Hey! You caught that.

Well at least that much came across. She didn't snort the word but rather snorted at her being so jumpy. You know, chastising herself for being so whimpy at the sound of someone knocking on the door.

Cassiopeia
01-05-2009, 07:24 AM
It's supposed to be scary? That sheds a totally different light on your OP.

Once, I worked in a building that had all the sounds of a mausoleum. I worked Janitorial there, and it was an ancient office building by Portland's standards. It was called East Hall, and it was on the campus of Portland State University. I was terrified to have to work in that building, because it was so darned quiet.

Anyway, a guy walked up behind me and tapped me on the shoulder. I jumped, almost out of my skin, and shrieked in terror. I thought nobody was in the building except me, so when the gentleman, who happened to be working late, tapped me on the shoulder, I howled at the top of my lungs, and found myself shaking violently for the next several minutes.

Maybe something like that would do your line some good. Maybe something like:

"G-d!" she howled (or screamed, perhaps). "I'm too paranoid."'

Maybe you could re-invent your sentence to put something else in that works better, like:

'She jumped at the sound of the doorbell. "G-d!" she whispered, trembling. "I'm too paranoid!"

Of course, this is only one other writer's suggestion. Whatever you decide, I'm sure it will be exactly what works best for you. Good luck to you! :)I don't think I'd have her howl. I'm more drawn to either something like "whispered" or leaving it out as Nev suggested.

KikiteNeko
01-05-2009, 07:26 AM
I like snort. Women snort. Unless I'm a freak...

I don't like "shook herself" but that's just me.

Cassiopeia
01-05-2009, 10:11 AM
I like snort. Women snort. Unless I'm a freak...

I don't like "shook herself" but that's just me.I can live without shook herself as well.

I refuse to write snort. LOL I canna do it Captain. I haven't the power. Every time I read it, I just cringe!

KikiteNeko
01-05-2009, 10:12 AM
I can live without shook herself as well.

I refuse to write snort. LOL I canna do it Captain. I haven't the power. Every time I read it, I just cringe!

Huff? Scoff?

James81
01-05-2009, 04:03 PM
I like snorted in the context that you have it there. You should leave it as it is.

blacbird
01-06-2009, 12:10 AM
Do you need it? I think her dialogue speak for itself. Take that tag out completely and I don't think the meaning changes at all. Just a thought.

But a very good thought. This is a perfect example of a superfluous dialogue tag. Jettison it, and all becomes well.

caw

Sean D. Schaffer
01-06-2009, 04:05 AM
But a very good thought. This is a perfect example of a superfluous dialogue tag. Jettison it, and all becomes well.

caw


This would make perfect sense if Cassi meant it as a dialogue tag, but as she pointed out in an earlier post, the word 'snorted' was intended as a separate action.

Cassi, what about re-formatting it so it's not so confusing? Maybe you could put what so many of us are seeing as a dialogue tag into its own new paragraph? That little bit of formatting change might make it a bit less confusing.


Just a thought. :)

mythicagirl
01-06-2009, 05:41 AM
...for snorted.

Context in which it is being used:

“God!” She snorted. “I’m too paranoid.” She shook herself and opened the door. “What can I do for you?”

Do women snort? I hate that word but scoffed didn't quite cut either.

Thanks ahead of time.


I'm on the fence here, so I'd probably go with the poster who said she said. There have been a number of agents with blog entries on descriptive words (this is generally speaking, I'm not saying your excerpt is overly descriptive). But since I've been struggling and getting info on with this,

For your consideration:

http://editorialass.blogspot.com/2009/01/overwriters-anonymous.html

"-Most of your problems come down to dialogue tags. It's ok to use the word "said," even if you use it more than once. Really. You can just say "Jackie said" instead of "Jackie sneered jeeringly" or "Jackie continued her bombastic harangue, her outraged grimace flickering as a sympathetic smirk fought its way to the surface." Repeat after me: WORDS SPEAK LOUDER THAN DIALOGUE TAGS."

After reading this, and a number of other agent blogs who seem to enjoy simplicity, let the writer beware.

Toothpaste
01-06-2009, 06:10 AM
One last time. Please read this post.

What Cassiopeia did was NOT A DIALOGUE TAG. It was an action separate from the dialogue.

You can recognise a dialogue tag from the captilisation of the word "she". If someone writes: "Oh god!" she snorted, she snorted is a dialogue tag because the letter "s" on the word "she" is small. But Cassiopeia wrote: "Oh god!" She snorted. She snorted in this case is NOT a dialogue tag because the "s" on the word "She" is capital. What Cassiopeia was doing was describing a moment where a character spoke, made a snorting noise, and then spoke again. Now she didn't like the snorting noise and wanted to replace it, she has since liked the idea of removing the action altogether.

But it is not, I repeat NOT, a dialogue tag. She was doing it correctly. She is actually showing us a model of what to do in place of a dialogue tag. An example that is often given for those who like more florid tags.

Sorry, but this is really starting to irk me. The issue is not "to dialogue tag or not to dialogue tag", the issue is what would be a more appropriate action than snorting.

Cassiopeia
01-06-2009, 06:37 AM
One last time. Please read this post.

What Cassiopeia did was NOT A DIALOGUE TAG. It was an action separate from the dialogue.

You can recognise a dialogue tag from the captilisation of the word "she". If someone writes: "Oh god!" she snorted, she snorted is a dialogue tag because the letter "s" on the word "she" is small. But Cassiopeia wrote: "Oh god!" She snorted. She snorted in this case is NOT a dialogue tag because the "s" on the word "She" is capital. What Cassiopeia was doing was describing a moment where a character spoke, made a snorting noise, and then spoke again. Now she didn't like the snorting noise and wanted to replace it, she has since liked the idea of removing the action altogether.

But it is not, I repeat NOT, a dialogue tag. She was doing it correctly. She is actually showing us a model of what to do in place of a dialogue tag. An example that is often given for those who like more florid tags.

Sorry, but this is really starting to irk me. The issue is not "to dialogue tag or not to dialogue tag", the issue is what would be a more appropriate action than snorting.Um...what's a florid tag? *giggles*

Sean D. Schaffer
01-06-2009, 09:36 AM
One last time. Please read this post.

What Cassiopeia did was NOT A DIALOGUE TAG. It was an action separate from the dialogue.

You can recognise a dialogue tag from the captilisation of the word "she". If someone writes: "Oh god!" she snorted, she snorted is a dialogue tag because the letter "s" on the word "she" is small. But Cassiopeia wrote: "Oh god!" She snorted. She snorted in this case is NOT a dialogue tag because the "s" on the word "She" is capital. What Cassiopeia was doing was describing a moment where a character spoke, made a snorting noise, and then spoke again. Now she didn't like the snorting noise and wanted to replace it, she has since liked the idea of removing the action altogether.

But it is not, I repeat NOT, a dialogue tag. She was doing it correctly. She is actually showing us a model of what to do in place of a dialogue tag. An example that is often given for those who like more florid tags.

Sorry, but this is really starting to irk me. The issue is not "to dialogue tag or not to dialogue tag", the issue is what would be a more appropriate action than snorting.


Toothpaste, try to calm down. The formatting is the problem, not the capitalization. The way the line is formatted makes it much more difficult for the average reader to understand that 'She snorted' is not a dialogue tag. I myself only realized it was not a dialogue tag when Cassi herself explained that she did not intend it that way.

It's an honest mistake a lot of readers are going to make, simply because of the way it's formatted. So please, try to be a little more tolerant of people who don't realize right away what Cassi intended. There are a lot more important things to scream about on a forum than a formatting issue.

blacbird
01-06-2009, 09:46 AM
Even if the "She snorted" isn't intended as a dialogue tag, I question its necessity. To me, the associated dialogue itself conveys the desired impression clearly. The "She snorted" is unnecessary stage-direction.

caw

Toothpaste
01-06-2009, 09:58 AM
Toothpaste, try to calm down.

Sigh, my own fault for using the word "irk" I suppose. I apologise. I also apologise using all caps which I realise can come across as screaming. I use all caps to make points more visible to the eye, not as a demonstration of a raised voice, but I realise now that that is not the norm and that you obviously thought I was screaming. It truly isn't a big deal to me. I just find it odd that people continued in the conversation about inappropriate dialogue tags when it had been clarified further up thread that it wasn't one. I understand discussing how it could be mistaken for one, I can understand discussing that the line itself might be unnecessary, but using what Cassiopeia wrote as an example of a dialogue tag and why one oughtn't use one just seemed silly and a perfect demonstration of how people skim threads before posting. At any rate. I personally thought this whole conversation was over after Nevada made the suggestion of cutting the line completely (which now Blacbird reiterated), but do please carry on. I apologise if I offended, that wasn't my intent.


Um...what's a florid tag? *giggles*

A tag with very white teeth.

No that would be a fluoride tag . . . sorry . . .

Sean D. Schaffer
01-06-2009, 10:09 AM
Sigh, my own fault for using the word "irk" I suppose. I apologise. I also apologise using all caps which I realise can come across as screaming. I use all caps to make points more visible to the eye, not as a demonstration of a raised voice, but I realise now that that is not the norm and that you obviously thought I was screaming. It truly isn't a big deal to me. I just find it odd that people continued in the conversation about inappropriate dialogue tags when it had been clarified further up thread that it wasn't one. I understand discussing how it could be mistaken for one, I can understand discussing that the line itself might be unnecessary, but using what Cassiopeia wrote as an example of a dialogue tag and why one oughtn't use one just seemed silly and a perfect demonstration of how people skim threads before posting. At any rate. I personally thought this whole conversation was over after Nevada made the suggestion of cutting the line completely (which now Blacbird reiterated), but do please carry on. I apologise if I offended, that wasn't my intent.



You didn't offend me, Toothpaste. :) I just know that different people read things differently, and we all make mistakes. Like I apparently did. I did think that your all caps statement was screaming. Now that you've pointed out your real motives behind it, I understand I was mistaken.

No harm done at all. :)

StephanieFox
01-06-2009, 10:25 AM
She snorted. "God, I'm too paranoid." (You can add the dialogue tag 'she said' after the quote.

This is how, I'd say it. She snorts, she scores! Or, at least, she snorts and then she speaks.


(The dog on the left snorts, too.)