I need a different word...

Cassiopeia · Jan 4, 2009

...for snorted.

Context in which it is being used:

[FONT=&quot]“God!” She snorted. “I’m too paranoid.” She shook herself and opened the door. “What can I do for you?” [/FONT]

Do women snort? I hate that word but scoffed didn't quite cut either.

Thanks ahead of time.

Toothpaste · Jan 4, 2009

I actually quite like snorted, but it depends on the character of course. What about "tsked"? Again, not that great. "She rolled her eyes" but too many of those and you'll have your readers doing that too. "She laughed at herself"?

You know this is a tricky one, it'll be interesting to see what others suggest. Anyway, those are a few of mine.

Cassiopeia · Jan 4, 2009

Toothpaste said:
I actually quite like snorted, but it depends on the character of course. What about "tsked"? Again, not that great. "She rolled her eyes" but too many of those and you'll have your readers doing that too. "She laughed at herself"?

You know this is a tricky one, it'll be interesting to see what others suggest. Anyway, those are a few of mine.

LOL. yeah I'm rolling my eyes at myself as well and wonder if I can't write this better! But it does go to show her state of mind.

nevada · Jan 4, 2009

Do you need it? I think her dialogue speak for itself. Take that tag out completely and I don't think the meaning changes at all. Just a thought.

Cassiopeia · Jan 4, 2009

nevada said:
Do you need it? I think her dialogue speak for itself. Take that tag out completely and I don't think the meaning changes at all. Just a thought.

Hey! Now why didn't I think of that.

You are right, I don't necessarily need that. Thanks, Nev.

nevada · Jan 4, 2009

I'm always right. hehehehe

Cassiopeia · Jan 4, 2009

nevada said:
I'm always right. hehehehe

You know when I saw you had replied before I even clicked on this I thought I should have added, "but then you are always right."

Seriously though, thank you. I deleted the tag, put in a comma and waalaa! I like it.

Toothpaste · Jan 4, 2009

Sometimes the simplest answer is the best (she said rolling her eyes at her own ability to have seen it)

.

citymouse · Jan 4, 2009

Yes women can snort, however, no one can snort words. They can't be laughed or spat either. Of course we all know what is meant with this usage. My editor redlined my first ms on these kinds of phrases until I cried enough! To which she relied, "You can't cry words." Grrrrrr

C

Cassiopeia said:
...for snorted.

Context in which it is being used:

[FONT=&quot]“God!” She snorted. “I’m too paranoid.” She shook herself and opened the door. “What can I do for you?” [/FONT]

Do women snort? I hate that word but scoffed didn't quite cut either.

Thanks ahead of time.

Cassiopeia · Jan 4, 2009

citymouse said:
Yes women can snort, however, no one can snort words. They can't be laughed or spat either. Of course we all know what is meant with this usage. My editor redlined my first ms on these kinds of phrases until I cried enough! To which she relied, "You can't cry words." Grrrrrr
C

LOL. Thanks. What a great way to relate it. I appreciate it.

Sean D. Schaffer · Jan 4, 2009

Cassiopeia said:
...for snorted.

Context in which it is being used:

[FONT=&quot]“God!” She snorted. “I’m too paranoid.” She shook herself and opened the door. “What can I do for you?” [/FONT]

Do women snort? I hate that word but scoffed didn't quite cut either.

Thanks ahead of time.

I've heard women snort, but at the same time, if your gut is telling you it's the wrong word, chances are it's the wrong word.

Maybe the word 'choked?' The context you've written this in, lends itself to something descriptive, at least to me as a reader. 'Snorted' does sound kind of difficult rolling off my tongue. But then again, so does 'choked.'

What about 'coughed' or even 'chuckled?' In any case, I hope you find the word you're looking for.

Have a good night, and best wishes with your manuscript.

Tepelus · Jan 4, 2009

I snort when I laugh hard...ha ha ha snort!

Cassiopeia · Jan 4, 2009

Yeah but that's not the image I wanted to portrait in this book. It's supposed to be scary! Dang it!

Mumut · Jan 4, 2009

citymouse said:
My editor redlined my first ms on these kinds of phrases until I cried enough! To which she relied, "You can't cry words." Grrrrrr
C

That's exactly what I was thinking when I read the post. My editor would have refused to let it go. She even gets upset with words like 'muttered', even though that is a saying would as far as most dictionaries are concerned.

Toothpaste · Jan 4, 2009

Except that the line wasn't: "God!" she snorted. The character didn't snort the word "God". The line was rather: "God!" She snorted. - Implying that the character said the word first, then snorted, then spoke again. "She snorted" wasn't a dialogue tag. At any rate, I personally still think Nevada's suggestion is the best.

Sean D. Schaffer · Jan 4, 2009

Cassiopeia said:
Yeah but that's not the image I wanted to portrait in this book. It's supposed to be scary! Dang it!

It's supposed to be scary? That sheds a totally different light on your OP.

Once, I worked in a building that had all the sounds of a mausoleum. I worked Janitorial there, and it was an ancient office building by Portland's standards. It was called East Hall, and it was on the campus of Portland State University. I was terrified to have to work in that building, because it was so darned quiet.

Anyway, a guy walked up behind me and tapped me on the shoulder. I jumped, almost out of my skin, and shrieked in terror. I thought nobody was in the building except me, so when the gentleman, who happened to be working late, tapped me on the shoulder, I howled at the top of my lungs, and found myself shaking violently for the next several minutes.

Maybe something like that would do your line some good. Maybe something like:

"G-d!" she howled (or screamed, perhaps). "I'm too paranoid."'

Maybe you could re-invent your sentence to put something else in that works better, like:

'She jumped at the sound of the doorbell. "G-d!" she whispered, trembling. "I'm too paranoid!"

Of course, this is only one other writer's suggestion. Whatever you decide, I'm sure it will be exactly what works best for you. Good luck to you!

Cassiopeia · Jan 4, 2009

Toothpaste said:
Except that the line wasn't: "God!" she snorted. The character didn't snort the word "God". The line was rather: "God!" She snorted. - Implying that the character said the word first, then snorted, then spoke again. "She snorted" wasn't a dialogue tag. At any rate, I personally still think Nevada's suggestion is the best.

Hey! You caught that.

Well at least that much came across. She didn't snort the word but rather snorted at her being so jumpy. You know, chastising herself for being so whimpy at the sound of someone knocking on the door.

Cassiopeia · Jan 4, 2009

Sean D. Schaffer said:
It's supposed to be scary? That sheds a totally different light on your OP.

Once, I worked in a building that had all the sounds of a mausoleum. I worked Janitorial there, and it was an ancient office building by Portland's standards. It was called East Hall, and it was on the campus of Portland State University. I was terrified to have to work in that building, because it was so darned quiet.

Anyway, a guy walked up behind me and tapped me on the shoulder. I jumped, almost out of my skin, and shrieked in terror. I thought nobody was in the building except me, so when the gentleman, who happened to be working late, tapped me on the shoulder, I howled at the top of my lungs, and found myself shaking violently for the next several minutes.

Maybe something like that would do your line some good. Maybe something like:

"G-d!" she howled (or screamed, perhaps). "I'm too paranoid."'

Maybe you could re-invent your sentence to put something else in that works better, like:

'She jumped at the sound of the doorbell. "G-d!" she whispered, trembling. "I'm too paranoid!"

Of course, this is only one other writer's suggestion. Whatever you decide, I'm sure it will be exactly what works best for you. Good luck to you!

I don't think I'd have her howl. I'm more drawn to either something like "whispered" or leaving it out as Nev suggested.

KikiteNeko · Jan 4, 2009

I like snort. Women snort. Unless I'm a freak...

I don't like "shook herself" but that's just me.

Cassiopeia · Jan 4, 2009

tomothecat said:
I like snort. Women snort. Unless I'm a freak...

I don't like "shook herself" but that's just me.

I can live without shook herself as well.

I refuse to write snort. LOL I canna do it Captain. I haven't the power. Every time I read it, I just cringe!

KikiteNeko · Jan 4, 2009

Cassiopeia said:
I can live without shook herself as well.

I refuse to write snort. LOL I canna do it Captain. I haven't the power. Every time I read it, I just cringe!

Huff? Scoff?

James81 · Jan 5, 2009

I like snorted in the context that you have it there. You should leave it as it is.

blacbird · Jan 5, 2009

nevada said:
Do you need it? I think her dialogue speak for itself. Take that tag out completely and I don't think the meaning changes at all. Just a thought.

But a very good thought. This is a perfect example of a superfluous dialogue tag. Jettison it, and all becomes well.

caw

Sean D. Schaffer · Jan 5, 2009

blacbird said:
But a very good thought. This is a perfect example of a superfluous dialogue tag. Jettison it, and all becomes well.

caw

This would make perfect sense if Cassi meant it as a dialogue tag, but as she pointed out in an earlier post, the word 'snorted' was intended as a separate action.

Cassi, what about re-formatting it so it's not so confusing? Maybe you could put what so many of us are seeing as a dialogue tag into its own new paragraph? That little bit of formatting change might make it a bit less confusing.

Just a thought.

mythicagirl · Jan 5, 2009

Cassiopeia said:
...for snorted.

Context in which it is being used:

[FONT=&quot]“God!” She snorted. “I’m too paranoid.” She shook herself and opened the door. “What can I do for you?” [/FONT]

Do women snort? I hate that word but scoffed didn't quite cut either.

Thanks ahead of time.

I'm on the fence here, so I'd probably go with the poster who said she said. There have been a number of agents with blog entries on descriptive words (this is generally speaking, I'm not saying your excerpt is overly descriptive). But since I've been struggling and getting info on with this,

For your consideration:

http://editorialass.blogspot.com/2009/01/overwriters-anonymous.html

"-Most of your problems come down to dialogue tags. It's ok to use the word "said," even if you use it more than once. Really. You can just say "Jackie said" instead of "Jackie sneered jeeringly" or "Jackie continued her bombastic harangue, her outraged grimace flickering as a sympathetic smirk fought its way to the surface." Repeat after me: WORDS SPEAK LOUDER THAN DIALOGUE TAGS."

After reading this, and a number of other agent blogs who seem to enjoy simplicity, let the writer beware.

I need a different word...

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