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William Haskins
01-01-2009, 02:01 PM
what follows is a sloppy, unedited but very true account of my first 4 hours of 2009.

i took the wife and kids to a small gathering at the sister-in-law's in a small town only 15 miles or so away. low-key, lots of kids, grilled burgers and fireworks.

being the teetotaler i am, after the formalities of the midnight celebration had wound down, i suggested to mrs. haskins that we should hit the road, seeing how i'd been up since 6:30 am and all. she rounded up the kids and we all said our goodbyes and started the 20 minute drive home, where peaceful slumber awaited me.

as we hit the country highway, we settled into some good music, the kids quieted down in the backseat and the bed and kitties awaited me.

about 2 miles into the journey, a car passed us flashing his lights, the good people signal that a cop had set up shop somewhere ahead.

instead of a cop, what awaited us was the carcass of a freshly killed deer, stretched across our lane on a dark curve. with no time to react, i ran smack dab over him, that sickening ba-thump as the tires jumped him. the truck seemed to weather it okay, except for a slightly lowered tone to the muffler.

"fuck," i thought to myself. "lucky me, i get to start off 2009 with a car repair bill."

there was no other issue with the way the truck performed so i opted to complete the rest of my journey, rather than pull over on the side of a dark road with a 65 mph speed limit and risk getting plowed into by some drunk yahoo trying to make it home with double vision on new year's eve: "family of four killed by drunk driver. father inexplicably found under truck with flashlight"...

except the headline would have been much better... trust me.

as we went on, the muffler started to sound normal again and i felt a little better. i hate paying mechanics more than i hate paying the government and, believe me, that's saying something.

so we finally make it home, get the truck into the garage and shepherd the kids inside. i grabbed the flashlight and inspected the front end of the truck. the bumper is okay, no fluids are leaking. only a thin plastic strip under the bumper is cracked. there was some blood and hair on it, and something about seeing that triggered...

the smell.

by this time, mrs. haskins had come out to make sure everything was okay. "goddamn, it stinks!" she said.

that's when i shone the flashlight further back along the undercarriage... and there it was: the deer. the whole goddamn deer.

"how is that fucking possible?!" asked mrs. haskins.

i went around to the back of the truck where his foggy dead eyes stared at me. "how the hell is he connected? it was 10 fucking miles!"

i lay on the garage floor alongside the truck and got my answer. his hoof had been hooked on impact by a brace to which the muffler is connected. i can't even begin to calculate the odds, but it's moot since it fucking happened. no time to get bogged down in statistics at that point.

the hoof was hanging on by about a half-inch strip of ligaments. a few more miles and i might have shaken him...

...but fate brought him home with me.

mrs. haskins fetched me a wood saw. i personally prefer hacksaws for this kind of work, but it was too late for style points. i had just enough room to get it to the angle i needed to saw through the tendons. it took 5 or 6 strokes, but it was awkward so i'll make no apologies for lack of precision.

the leg landed on the concrete with a dull thud and i went around the other side and pulled the hoof free.

about this time my 10 year old son came out to get a look, but it didn't agree with him and he scurried back inside.

now that the deer was no longer connected to the truck, i needed to get him out from under the rear end. mrs. haskins provided me with some bright yellow dishwashing gloves and i spent the next two or three minutes stretching them over my (apparently) freakishly large hands.

by this time a pool of blood was spreading onto the driveway, which made a nice murder-scene smear as i dragged him out. in the process, i flipped him over and found that, while the upward-facing part of him was more or less intact, the bottom part had been eaten away by the road, exposing his intestines and other delicacies.

now came the question of what to do with the dead hundred pound deer that was bleeding in my driveway at one o'clock in the morning. my dreams of sleeping in on new year's day were suddenly warped by a vision of the neighborhood kids waking up early for a full day of fun and games, only to find a mangled deer corpse in my yard.

i fully admit to not knowing how to properly dispose of a large dead animal in the middle of the night, so i reasoned that, at least in the meantime, i should commit him to the greenbelt adjacent to the cul de sac. with daylight i could figure out whether to bury him, call the city or make sausage.

so, with the help of mrs. haskins, i transferred the carcass to an old sheet, threw the severed hoof on top, and we began the hundred and fifty yard walk to the greenbelt (past five houses on each side of the street and under an eerily bright street lamp in the cul de sac, both of us now sporting bright yellow rubber gloves).

i wondered, but only briefly, what the neighbors might think had they looked outside to see us carrying a bloody sheet full of something at 1:30 a.m. into the woods.

but only briefly.

finally we maneuvered him into the tall grass and dumped him, then returned home to the bloody concrete.

i sprayed some driveway cleaner on the blood and sprayed it off (it actually cleaned up pretty easily, for future reference...), and sent the wife in to get cleaned up while i took the truck for a spin to be sure there'd been no mechanical damage. fortunately, the truck is fine, which is more than i can say for the deer or, for that matter, me.

i pulled back into the garage and went immediately to the shower.

afterwards, my daughter (who's always good with such things) provided me with research on how to handle the remains. turns out the city will come and pick dead animals up. she gave me the phone number, but as most if not all city offices are closed on holidays, i had little faith that that i would get any resolution before the weekend, if even then.

i went to the website and found out that, instead of calling the solid waste department, i could, in my situation, call 3-1-1. so, around 2 a.m. that's what i did.

after pushing "1" to speak english, i was connected to cedric. cedric is a nice guy and if i ever meet him, i'll sure tell him so.

i recounted my tale and he was amazed that the deer had held on for so long. in a way, i was proud to have surprised a 3-1-1 operator with anything. you'd sort of think they'd heard it all. anyway...

cedric tells me that not only will they pick it up, they'll pick it up tonight and he took my information. the only catch was that i needed to place it at the curb. my curb.

i suggested i might ought to put it in a garbage bag. cedric thought that would be a swell idea.

and so, at 2:30 a.m., mrs. haskins and i got dressed, dug up another goddamn pair of yellow rubber gloves, grabbed a garbage bag and the flashlight and went traipsing back to the greenbelt to retrieve the carcass.

i could hear a coyote yapping, but he sounded a ways off. even so, i was in no mood to fight a live animal over a dead animal, so we stepped up the pace.

and sure enough, there he was.

mrs. haskins' job was to hold the bag open, since i was wearing the gloves. she also had to hold the flashlight in the crook of her arm (the beam of which caught the steam rising from his innards).

my first thought was to get him in ass-first and then lift the upper body as she slid the bag up over him. this proved to be a stupid plan, as the loss of blood had lightened the torso while the chest and head retained their full weight.

so, we readjusted and worked him in headfirst. this was achieved by grabbing the hide of the back and lifting, which provided an oddly spongy texture beneath the skin. finally we were able to turn the bag upright and he crumbled in there surprisingly well.

the bag was awkward to carry, so i dragged it as far as i could, until we were to the end of the slick grass and to the street (and, of course, back in the glow of the street lamp). at this point, mrs. haskins took one side of the bag and i took the other.

i wondered, but only briefly, what the neighbors might think had they looked outside to see us carrying a bloody plastic bag full of something at 3 a.m. out of the woods.

but only briefly.

finally we wrestled it to the curb and tied up the bag and came back in to clean up once again.

it's ten minutes to four now and the sleep i thought awaited me 3 hours ago is probably hours away.

the kids are asleep now and mrs. haskins has settled into some drowsy tv viewing. maybe i'll try that.

the only thing is... there's a fucking dead deer in a bloody plastic bag sitting in front of my house.

oh yeah, happy new year.

brad_b
01-01-2009, 02:22 PM
Sorry I'm laughing, not at the situation but the way you wrote it. It takes character to go through all that and then write it down - the visuals are still cracking me up. It's a good read. You ought to polish and send it in, one of those 'Strange but True' tales. I hope you get rested and the deer is gone when you awaken so only the memory remains. That's a tale you'll always have about how 2009 started for you.

sheadakota
01-01-2009, 02:33 PM
Wow- that's all I got- just, Wow-

brokenfingers
01-01-2009, 03:17 PM
Wow, what a coincidence! Something similar happened to me - only it wasn't a deer and it wasn't a truck and I didn't call 311 and leave it at my driveway.

Happy New Year!! :D

aruna
01-01-2009, 03:23 PM
I kept thinking, as I read it, "when on earth did he write this?" I'm impressed that you DID write it, after the ordeal!

I'm glad you got home safely, and I'm glad you got such a great story out if it -- isn't that the way we writers think?

Oh... and Happy New Year!

Don
01-01-2009, 04:59 PM
What brad said! Sell this somewhere. You have a wonderful way with words. (which I think we all knew anyway.)


Oh, and Happy New Year!

scarletpeaches
01-01-2009, 05:01 PM
:eek:

God love you, Haskins.

(No one else does).

:D

Old Hack
01-01-2009, 05:16 PM
This story reminds me so much of the things that happen round here, to us. Only in a larger and slightly more bloody scale.

A dead deer SO trumps a bumper sticker, don't you think?

Ol' Fashioned Girl
01-01-2009, 05:40 PM
:eek:

May this be the worst thing that happens to you, Mrs. Haskins and all the Li'l Haskinses for the rest of your lives.

Rolling Thunder
01-01-2009, 05:54 PM
Dead deer got run over by a Poet...

I sense I new holiday song for 2009.

Maryn
01-01-2009, 06:14 PM
Mr. Haskins, if you please (http://www.funnytimes.com/)! Some of the it-happened-to-me they publish is not as good. Plus I hear poets like the occasional paying gig.

Maryn, whose brother hit a freakin' bird and found feathers for two years

Don
01-01-2009, 06:31 PM
Dead deer got run over by a poet,
Driving home to his house New Years' Morn.
You can say you don't believe in karma,
But Haskins' told it better than Hawthorne.

:D

Perks
01-01-2009, 06:51 PM
Holy shit, Mr. Haskins.

Can I just say, though, that your misfortune has, by the typing-in-the-middle-of-the-night route, brought me to the hopeful bliss of realizing (again) just how much I love my writer-friends?

Hope you're still sleeping.

And that you smell okay.

NeuroFizz
01-01-2009, 06:58 PM
This is what Disney didn't reveal about Bambi's mom. That, and in the first place, she was crossing the road to be with some other buck.

Unique
01-01-2009, 07:02 PM
I'm sorry william but I had to laugh. I hope this is the very worst thing that happens to you this year.

Serenity
01-01-2009, 07:15 PM
Only you, Haskins. If it makes you feel any better, my one roommate (not the current one) ran over a 500 pound black bear once.

Yeah, that probably didn't make you feel better at all.

You have started 2009 off with a story you'll probably be requested to repeat another thirty times or so, however. :D

Oh... and Happy New Year to you, too!

maestrowork
01-01-2009, 07:36 PM
Starting off the new year crappily means the rest of the year has to be better, right?

Plus you now have a story to tell (or sell) for the rest of the year.

Here's hope, something you may not be too familiar with....

Stew21
01-01-2009, 08:27 PM
Great story, William.
Gruesome but great. Poor Mrs. Haskins. You've got yourself quite the wife carrying dead caracasses and such.


You might be able to get the smell off you, but I don't think you'll ever forget it. The phantom stink will haunt you when you least expect it.


Glad you are all well. Happy new year. Next time, opt for making sausage.

Cranky
01-01-2009, 08:30 PM
Um...yuck.

Which is another way of saying, gruesome story well-told, Haskins. :)

rhymegirl
01-01-2009, 08:31 PM
Oh dear!

My husband can kind of relate to this story. One time he was driving on the highway going 65 miles an hour, a deer ran out of the woods, went from behind a parked car in the breakdown lane and was running across the highway. Well, of course he braked but couldn't stop in time. The deer went up on top of the car, down the back then off onto the road.

About $700 worth of damage to the car. The police asked him if he wanted to take the deer home (for dinner!). Uh, no thanks.

Sorry to hear your story. Dragging a dead deer home is no fun.

Jcomp
01-01-2009, 08:34 PM
Holy hell.

I'm with everyone else in hoping that the rest of 2009 greets you with more peace and fewer dead animals bizarrely clinging to the end of your truck. And also that you can sell this to somebody because it was a hell of a thing to read.

Happy New Year William.

robeiae
01-01-2009, 08:56 PM
Mmmm. Good eats.

mscelina
01-01-2009, 09:01 PM
This should be framed. I think I'll print it out and hang it up over my desk. Then every time this year when I feel like things are going badly, I'll think of you, Haskins, and realize that it could always be much, much worse.

*wipes tears of laughter away and hits print*

Ol' Fashioned Girl
01-01-2009, 09:02 PM
http://www.joe-ks.com/archives_sep2003/RoadKill.gif

Shadow_Ferret
01-01-2009, 09:04 PM
that was the greatest New Year's story I've ever read. Fantastic.

Sorry it happened to you, but what a wonderful read.

William Haskins
01-01-2009, 09:23 PM
11 am update:

my opinion of cedric has been shattered.

upon awakening to find the bag still out there, i called 3-1-1 again and this time got brigette. at first, bridgette was clueless in the way that only a government employee can be.

she finally found the service request and we talked through it and she told me that it couldn't, in fact, be treated as an emergency, but that it would be put into the queue for dead animal pickup.

she said it should be picked up in 2 business days.

"is today a business day?" i asked.
"no," she said, "because of the holiday."
"but tomorrow?"
"yes."
"what about saturday?"
"no."
"so it could be as late as monday afternoon?"
"yes."

so there you go.

i'm now off to craigs list to place an ad:

"gently used deer (hoof available separately) free to anyone who wants to pick it up."

if you're interested, PM me. i'll send you the address.

robeiae
01-01-2009, 09:25 PM
Maybe you should put a few slices of bread out there...to keep it company.

William Haskins
01-01-2009, 09:27 PM
so much death...

NeuroFizz
01-01-2009, 09:29 PM
Bagged or not, your cul-de-sac may well be awash in dead mammal smell by Monday. It may be time to cancel the pickup and give a break to the local buzzard population (in some deserted area). Your first hint of the impending odor will be circling vultures. They have the most incredible sense of smell for dead stuff. (They are sometimes used to locate leaks in natural gas pipelines that run across undeveloped countryside.)

robeiae
01-01-2009, 09:29 PM
Did you at least rescue the deer ticks, so they might live on?

Don
01-01-2009, 09:30 PM
Bagged or not, your cul-de-sac may well be awash in dead mammal smell by Monday. It may be time to cancel the pickup and give a break to the local buzzard population (in some deserted area). Your first hint of the impending odor will be circling vultures. They have the most incredible sense of smell for dead stuff. (They are sometimes used to locate leaks in natural gas pipelines that run across undeveloped countryside.)
Forget the deserted area. Find out where the 311 operators work, and take it upon yourself as a concerned citizen to deliver it directly since they're too busy to take care of it. :ROFL:

ETA: Perhaps the county courthouse would be more appropriate?

robeiae
01-01-2009, 09:30 PM
Bagged or not, your cul-de-sac may well be awash in dead mammal smell by Monday. It may be time to cancel the pickup and give a break to the local buzzard population (in some deserted area). Your first hint of the impending odor will be circling vultures. They have the most incredible sense of smell for dead stuff. (They are sometimes used to locate leaks in natural gas pipelines that run across undeveloped countryside.)
Bleach, baby. It fixes everything. With enough of it, you can wipe away every last bit of DNA evidence...or so I've been told.

William Haskins
01-01-2009, 09:31 PM
i really wish i hadn't sold that vat of acid and lye in the garage sale.

scarletpeaches
01-01-2009, 09:33 PM
Bleach, baby. It fixes everything. With enough of it, you can wipe away every last bit of DNA evidence...or so I've been told.

Those law-enforcement cats got luminol these days, damn them.

maestrowork
01-01-2009, 09:33 PM
You can always just dump it to your neighbor's house. maybe 2 miles away, so they won't be able to trace the blood trails.

robeiae
01-01-2009, 09:33 PM
i really wish i hadn't sold that vat of acid and lye in the garage sale.
The Van Der Sloots gave you top dollar, no?

astonwest
01-01-2009, 09:35 PM
As long as deer isn't a euphemism for wandering vagrant...though that may be the quickest way to get a response. "Oh, that's a deer? Really?"

Glad you're all okay, smell notwithstanding...hope you're able to convince someone to come out and retrieve the carcass soon.

maestrowork
01-01-2009, 09:35 PM
or you can chop it up and sell the chunks as girl scout cookies.

scarletpeaches
01-01-2009, 09:36 PM
Or you can chop it up and sell the chunks as girl scouts.

Haggis
01-01-2009, 10:07 PM
http://xa9.xanga.com/6d1d322a73230104339333/z73709476.bmp

Devil Ledbetter
01-01-2009, 10:30 PM
Hilarious. I'm going to print this out and read it every time I think I'm having a bad day in 2009.

I hope you're finally getting some sleep.

brad_b
01-01-2009, 11:18 PM
"gently used deer (hoof available separately) free to anyone who wants to pick it up."

if you're interested, PM me. i'll send you the address.

You might want to rethink the ad. From your well-written piece still fresh in mind, gently used might be a bit misleading. Kind of like - Fire Sale - when someone wants to unload everything that got burned up in a fire. Truth in advertising and all.

I trust the deer doesn't stay a guest long, though it'll probably be a nice conversation piece for you and the neighbors to chat over as the smell spreads.

Old Hack
01-02-2009, 12:29 AM
It all depends on the temperature--at least, it does with dead poultry.

We found we could keep them for days so long as the weather wasn't warm, and we taped the bag up really carefully. The biggest problem was the run-off.

(And I bet some of you out there think I'm joking.)

Cassiopeia
01-02-2009, 12:56 AM
Okay here's what I'd do but if you say I told you to, I will simply deny any knowledge of it.

Drag the deer BACK to the empty lot. Out in the middle of it. Surround it by stones and pour gasoline over it. Light it on fire and then call the fire department to tell them there is a fire in the empty lot.

Problem solved. :D

NeuroFizz
01-02-2009, 12:58 AM
It's when the bag starts swelling with pressurized gas that the fun really starts, and a small puncture will elect you king of the homeowners association. That said, you may want to just let it sit...

What's a little putricine and cadaverine between friends?

Added in edit: Weather predictions (high temps) for Austin (close enough?):

Thu - 67
Fri - 79
Sat - 77
Sun - 58

Heh, heh.

TerzaRima
01-02-2009, 01:10 AM
Damn you, Fizz.

Haskins, I'm laughing almost too hard to type, but I'm serious: call a homeless shelter or food bank. Around here some of them put road kill to good use. Although your Bambi may be a bit far gone at this point even for venison hot dish.

Oh, my God.

maestrowork
01-02-2009, 01:11 AM
Does your neighbor have a swimming pool?

HeronW
01-02-2009, 01:41 AM
Yanno that coyote you heard? Tell him to bring few friends, dinner's served in a neighborhood with that lovely ambiance.

Years ago when I was a traveling nurse's aid, I was going to take care of a lady in the boonies of CT. It was always a lovely drive past a reservoir and a state park. On the way home about 10 pm on this rural road, no streetlights , I screeched to a halt--looked like blood and a small body. I'm ready to freak--a fawn had been hit. I snapped on some disposable gloves and pulled it off into the bushes. Said a little prayer for it to whomever looks after such things and went home thinking about the gorgeous spotted hide.

Went back the next day--early afternoon with my 8" blade, a qt. box of seasalt and a few plastic bags. I pulled on heavier gloves and start removing the skin since the fawn had no use for it. This bearded, 300lb biker on a long-neck chopper slows down seeing this woman in her early 30ies alone on the side of the road bent over in the weeds.

I stand up, and look at him, blood on my gloves, blood on this big honking knife and he moves right along.

I felt better for intimidating a Hells' Angel than I did skinning a deer for the first time ever.

NeuroFizz
01-02-2009, 01:47 AM
A year ago, a fawn was dispatched at the marine station I visit in the summers (probably by foxes), and the carcass deposited in the high intertidal. Within three days, between the foxes, racoons, and TVs (turkey vultures), the bones and hide were picked clean. A couple of days later, a high tide washed out what was left.

It's the ultimate in going green--recycling nutrients.

joyce
01-02-2009, 01:51 AM
I'm glad you and your family, as well as the truck, were all ok. But, this was so damn funny!

Little Red Barn
01-02-2009, 03:18 AM
heehee, I'd like to say stranger things have happened.

Let me introduce you to Buford, who ended up under my Christmas tree this year.
http://i270.photobucket.com/albums/jj94/kimmi57/IMG_0304-1.jpg

My lil' rounded mall queen, deer hunter, daugh's first deer she bagged a year ago with bow n' arrow.

Now even more strange: At least for ToT. ; ) When ToT came to visit me, she stayed at my farm retreat cottage. On the way there she asked to stop at liquor store. Hahaha, I asked if local bait shop would suit her, there she could buy cold beer.
http://i270.photobucket.com/albums/jj94/kimmi57/IMG_0467.jpg

The clerk, a good ol' country boy went into the back to retrieve iced down beer, and whille he was gone, I casually mentioned to ToT. "Oh, wait, no, NO, we can't put ice in refridge freezer as Buford, the deer head is in there." (We were saving the 400.00 to mount him).

Hmm, seemed quite normal to me, but anything but to city, Chi-baby, ToT! Ever witnessed a city-kitty meltdown when city meets rural? ; -)

And that and the fact she had been traumatized as a youth by seeing The Godfather. : D

Ok, William, happy you and yours were safe! And you missed the first impact.

To bait house giggles and dear friends and deer heads. Happy New Year!

Bayou Bill
01-02-2009, 03:49 AM
I haven't sense a lot of sympathy here for the deer. Suppose it should have had the decency to crawl off the road to die. :D

Best I recall, Haskins lives in a town where, during the holidays, small, blinking red lights appear on the noses of the deer silhouettes used on DEER CROSSING signs.

Bayou Bill :cool:

William Haskins
01-02-2009, 04:01 AM
in austin, yes.

in kyle, there's no warning until you see the carcass in the road.

i felt sympathy for the deer. it was bad enough that it had died in the road without me adding insult to injury by dragging it for 10 miles.

there are no winners here.

unless the coyotes get into the bag.

Bayou Bill
01-02-2009, 04:43 AM
in austin, yes.

in kyle, there's no warning until you see the carcass in the road.

i felt sympathy for the deer. it was bad enough that it had died in the road without me adding insult to injury by dragging it for 10 miles.

there are no winners here.

unless the coyotes get into the bag.
One evening last summer, the wife-unit and I were leaving our daughter's apartment comples on Wm. Cannon just east of Mopac (that's south Austin, folks) when we saw a deer wandering through the parking lot.

They're everywhere. They're everywhere.

Bayou Bill :cool:

William Haskins
01-02-2009, 04:44 AM
yep. i'm only a couple of miles south of that. and yes, they're everywhere.

brad_b
01-02-2009, 09:28 AM
Around here in corn country the deer are like mice. We finished clearing an acre or two of trees for a customer whose property adjoins a conservation area and I counted 26 does and fawns walking through the lowland with one big buck sheparding the herd. This isn't out in the wilderness by any means. Lack of natural predators and an abundance of forage gives them ample means to procreate. Hunters do a service to cull the herds otherwise disease and starvation would mean slow deaths; the hunters often give the meat to charity. I'm afraid vehicles have become the new 'natural predators' of deer, sometimes costing the life of a driver as well as the deer. They are beautiful animals but a lot of my clients ask me how to keep them from snacking on the landscape foliage; they can be destructive; the price we pay for encroaching in their habitats.

Stew21
01-02-2009, 06:04 PM
The coyotes would have picked it clean. We live out in the sticks, and there are a gazillion deer out by us - dangerous driving to be sure.
We have a lot of coyotes, too. We hear them out making a big fuss pretty frequently. One day, by the little farm lake we saw the remains of the coyotes' dinner - skull and spine of a deer. They had eaten everything else and surely dragged the other bones somewhere for snacking later.

Next time (I say this as if this could ever possibly happen again), leave it for Wile E.

quickWit
01-02-2009, 06:26 PM
Replace "deer" with "octogenerean" and the same thing happened to me. :D

Nice story Mr. Haskins.

TerzaRima
01-02-2009, 08:51 PM
Try those deer sirens on your car.

nevada
01-02-2009, 09:28 PM
Replace "deer" with "octogenerean" and the same thing happened to me. :D

Nice story Mr. Haskins.

You have a dead grandpa in a garbage bag in front of your house?

quickWit
01-02-2009, 09:31 PM
You have a dead grandpa in a garbage bag in front of your house?

Not anymore. :D

nevada
01-02-2009, 09:43 PM
Not anymore. :D

Good city services then. Did it take two business days like in Haskin's case? Or did they come out right away? Lucky you.

willfulone
01-02-2009, 10:47 PM
Wow!

You don't live in the mid west I can tell. Here? Um, that deer? Would have been put on top of the truck and taken home, strung up and gut of rest of entrails to see what could be salvaged...sick lot we are I know, I know.

Here the DNR is called to collect dead animals on side of road. And, they typically offer to allow the driver to keep their "prize." Often times? At this time of year? Meat companies will take dead deer and dress them (or whatever it is when they cut them up and such) for shelters, Salvation Army donations to needy families and the like.

There is no way that deer would have been around the curb side to get all bloated and expand the bag - inciting kiddies to poke it with a stick and pop that sucka.

Hey? No kids did that - did they?

Good luck - thanks for the laugh. I just read this today. And, it made my day - so far.

Yeah, you can write. I love your poetry - go to your blog and read it often, but would read this too - should you post it.

Have a great New Year William Haskins family - et al).

Christine

AmyDoodle
01-02-2009, 11:02 PM
Only you, Mr. Haskins.

Happy New Year.

truelyana
01-02-2009, 11:58 PM
There's a dead deer in a plastic bag in front of your house and you're going to leave it there? You got yourself a great stack of meat for a month!

Happy New Year to you too. :)

Same sort of thing happened to a friend of mine, he accidentally shot a deer instead of a duck. So, he ended up stuffing it inside he's mini. Don't ask me how. The deer ended up being he's salvation for the next month. Deer sandwiches, deer soup, you name it it was deerlightful. :D

Hope you feel better soon.

quickWit
01-03-2009, 12:18 AM
Same sort of thing happened to a friend of mine, he accidentally shot a deer instead of a duck. So, he ended up stuffing it inside he's mini. Don't ask me how. The deer ended up being he's salvation for the next month. Deer sandwiches, deer soup, you name it it was deerlightful.

Replace 'Deer' with 'Octogenerean' and the same thing happened to me. :D

Haggis
01-03-2009, 12:20 AM
There's a dead deer in a plastic bag in front of your house and you're going to leave it there? You got yourself a great stack of meat for a month!

Maybe. After another week or so in 60 to 70 degree weather.

Yeshanu
01-03-2009, 12:31 AM
Why is no-one automatically thinking "dog food?"

That's what I might have done with it...

Happy New Year, Mr. Haskins.

KTC
01-03-2009, 12:43 AM
I just now came upon this thread. William...I have to tell you I was completely drawn in to your story. You say you wrote it quickly, but that speaks volumes of your talent with words. It was wonderfully told. I can't imagine how miserable I would have been had this happened to me. The mechanical scare, the actual thump when running over the deer, the horror of discovering it attached itself to your car...the macabre scene you described of removing it and bringing it back to the house. This is a memoir piece, William...and an extremely fine one. You did what I admire most in writers...you had your grist for the mill moment and you made your flour. Bravo for creating such a great retelling. I'd be looking for a market that accepts memoir and submitting this piece.

Thanks for sharing!

brad_b
01-03-2009, 01:35 AM
Same sort of thing happened to a friend of mine, he accidentally shot a deer instead of a duck. So, he ended up stuffing it inside he's mini. Don't ask me how. The deer ended up being he's salvation for the next month. Deer sandwiches, deer soup, you name it it was deerlightful. :D

Hope you feel better soon.

Accidentally? True, I think your friend should study up on the animal kingdom or think of getting glasses, unless your ducks are a lot larger than ours.

truelyana
01-03-2009, 02:37 AM
Replace 'Deer' with 'Octogenerean' and the same thing happened to me. :D

Oooh sounds interesting. What is an 'Octogenerean'? :)


Accidentally? True, I think your friend should study up on the animal kingdom or think of getting glasses, unless your ducks are a lot larger than ours.

Yes, lol. My friend, as in my friends son. It was he's first go at shooting anything.

William Haskins
01-03-2009, 09:40 PM
the deer has been picked up by the city and now belongs to the ages.

the comedy is over.

Pat~
01-03-2009, 11:16 PM
William, first of all, I just have to say (apart from Happy New Year) that that was the first time I've ever read any post quite that long from you on AW. (Which probably only goes to show I've not read all your posts, but mainly just your poetic ones which are wonderful for their economy of words.) But this one was wonderful, too--first of all because your storytelling is as engaging as your poetry. I was right 'there' in that smelly, sickening garage with you and the missus. :o

Second of all, it raised all kinds of questions in my head (which good writing usually does), and I love that, except that I also then like to discover the answers, so hoping against hope that you'll be so forthcoming again, I'll post them here:

1. How is it that Mrs. Haskins has so many usable pairs of yellow rubber gloves available in the wee hours of the morning? (Under my kitchen sink is exactly one formerly yellow and presently mateless glove from 2 houses ago, which is also missing one of its fingertips.) I hope I'm not being too nosy, here, but I'm just really curious to know--(because I guess sometimes, deep down, I wonder if my house is really the only one that never has both gloves, never has the new, unused battery available in the right size, never has the working fire extinguisher or the right size light bulb or drill bit...and I know it's probably because I dropped out of Brownies back in the first grade--and my husband didn't last much longer in boy scouts--but it's not too late to make another New Year's resolution and try to change our ways...)

2. What kind of truck do you drive? (This is purely for ADD-inspired curiosity and will not inspire me to change my affinity for hubby's 1952 lemon-yellow Chevy.)

3. I haven't read all of this thread, so this (more serious) question may have been raised already, but I wondered if you'd considered that your bizarre New Year's Day might have saved someone else from a more serious wreck enroute home that morning (by taking the deer home with you)? If so, I'd consider that a pretty neat way to see in the New Year, as awful as your experience was.

That's all for now...and maybe it's more than you feel like answering, anyway. Glad you made it home safely, William. And I admire your wife for helping you (and for having all those yellow kitchen gloves).

William Haskins
01-03-2009, 11:24 PM
1. How is it that Mrs. Haskins has so many usable pairs of yellow rubber gloves available in the wee hours of the morning?

i'm guessing (she's not here at the moment) that they had been included in the purchase of various cleaners, as they were each branded with some logo or another.


2. What kind of truck to you drive? (This is purely for ADD-inspired curiosity and will not inspire me to change my affinity for hubby's 1952 lemon-yellow Chevy.)

it's a (fairly) new chevy HHR, which sits low to the ground. this contributed to the snagging of his hoof, no doubt.

http://www.car-list.com/newcars/2006/image/2006_chevy_HHR_lt_frnt_left_shadow.jpg


3. I haven't read all of this thread, so this (more serious) question may have been raised already, but I wondered if you'd considered that your bizarre New Year's Day might have saved someone else from a more serious wreck enroute home that morning (by taking the deer home with you)? If so, I'd consider that a pretty neat way to see in the New Year, as awful as your experience was.

it's possible, and i would have to say that i would do it all over again if it could save anyone from death or even significant physical or automotive damage. i hadn't considered that before, but it's a nice way of looking at things (something at which you're quite adept). so thank you.

and happy new year.

Pat~
01-03-2009, 11:30 PM
I had a feeling you would, William. And Happy New Year back atcha, (and thanks for answering my nosy questions).

Chumplet
01-04-2009, 03:15 AM
Oh, Mr. Haskins. Thank you so much for a fabulously gross story. And to think I complained about picking up the garbage the raccoons spread around the front door today.

Little Red Barn
01-04-2009, 04:03 AM
I just now came upon this thread. William...I have to tell you I was completely drawn in to your story. Bravo for creating such a great retelling. I'd be looking for a market that accepts memoir and submitting this piece.

Thanks for sharing!

Exactly what I was thinkn' when I first read and at least one I'd enjoy reading in my local newspaper in Sports section. Hope you'll submit William, and also there's Fur Fish N Game and your state Hunting Division Newletters!! :D

Staplehawk
01-06-2009, 01:00 AM
So... You wrote this to rub in my face that there won't be any venison sausage this year?! Guess ya'll will have new reactions to saying "Yes Dear" to eachother.

Kate Thornton
01-06-2009, 01:30 AM
Mr. Haskins - wonderful story, made all the more riveting for its veracity. Thanks for the terrific entertainment. Hope the rest of the year is every bit as interesting for you, but without the icky parts.

Atani
01-06-2009, 03:00 AM
I laughed til I cried - I haven't read anything so funny in a long, long time! I feel sympathy for you, and I'm sorry you had to live through such an experience, but those always make the most awesome memories... I'll have to tell of a similarly NOT fun experience that is a very funny story at some point (though it's not nearly as good as yours, or as gross), but it also involves a hit deer... but no time now!

Happy New Year!!!

:)