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Haggis
12-29-2008, 04:27 PM
Yeah, yeah, I'm back. Usual disclaimer: I.Did.Not.Write.This.

But I'm pretty sure cray did.

The good news is I think this thing is finally approaching a conclusion. The bad news is--not quite yet.

So, let's see what happens to our heros today.




Chapter 12 – Drama and then some



Benpanced was mighty peeved.

“I’m mighty peeved,” Banpanced said.

“Why are you peeved?” MsCelina said as she filed her claws.

“I’m peeved because there hasn’t been a lot of action for us the last few pages. What are we, chopped liver?”

“Give it some time, Benny,” Soccer Mom cooed as she flipped through a copy of Lawyering: How to suck blood without leaving fang marks. “They’ll get around to us eventually.”

“Fine! Don’t take my request seriously! I’ll be in my trailer!” Ben screamed as he sashayed through the door and slammed it shut.

“We have trailers?” MsCelina said.

“No,” Soccer Mom replied as she tossed the magazine on the floor. “That’s the closet door. He’ll just sulk there until it gets stuffy.”

#

“So, what do you propose to do with these miscreants, Dawno?” Poetinahat said.

“Torture them, of course.”

“Really? You think they have information Panced might want?”

“No. I just enjoy their pain. How about a nice sonnet?” Dawno smirked.

“Ya know, I had a bonny blue bonnet once,” Ben said. “It was back in 1939, I believe, right after the invasion of...”

“She said ‘sunnet’, Ben,” Cray sighed. “You know, one of those meshy things parents use to catch their unruly kids with.”

“Not SUN-net, dufus.” Inky said. “She said sonnet. It’s a type of poetry.”

“What’s poetry?” Shadow Ferret said. “Is that a new movie in the Kung-Fu Panda series?”

“It could be,” Cray replied. “Pandas to like to eat trees and Po is a Panda.”

“Bamboo shoots.”

“Huh?” Cray said.

“I said, bamboo shoots!” Dawno yelled.

“Oh, right. That’s what Pandas eat,” Cray would have nodded if he had a neck and a head.

“No, you misunderstand. Instead of a sonnet I think we’ll start with bamboo shoots under the finger nails,” Dawno said as she rubbed her hands together with glee.

“But we just had our nails done!” Sister OFG and Sister Susie said. “You’ll ruin the polish!”

“Oh. Well, I’ll think of something else for you two.”

“Um...I don’t have fingernails,” Cray said.

“Fine, fine! Poet? Any suggestions?”

“Well, we could make the Ferret watch reruns of the Packers loosing.” Poet laughed as he pulled out a DVD entitled ‘Packers worst blunders’.

“Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!” Ferret screamed.

“Oooo. That’s one down...” Dawno smiled.

#

Meanwhile, on a deserted corner of Absolutewriteville:

“So, what do you wanna do tonight?” JVC said.

“Beats me,” Scarletpeaches replied. “Go to the Pub and toss down a few?”

“We ought to do that,” TheThinker42 said. “This street corner is supposed to be deserted.”

“What? We’ve been standing her for almost an hour.” Scarlet replied.

“Thinker’s right,” Jvc said, pointing at the beginning of the paragraph. “It says so, right there.”

“%#*!%R!@^$!@%@!*&^ writers!” Scarlet mumbled. “Must be one of those damned outliners!”

The writers scurried off to the pub, muttering between themselves about the dwindling quality of Fajita Sunrise.

#

Jaycinth: We seem to be on another tangent. Where did you find this writer, Haggis?

Haggis: Me? I thought you found this one?

Jaycinth: Nope, I’ve never seen this one before.

New Writer: Sure you have. I was over there in the corner of the Comedy Cabaret when you asked for a replacement writer.

Jaycinth: <squinting> Oh. Yeah. You’re that little guy with the weird avatar. What’s your name again?

New Writer: Oooooh no! You’re not fooling me with that old line. I.Did.Not.Write.This.

Haggis: Damn. They’re getting smarter. We need someone gullible. Someone with a brain the size of a thimble and ugly toenails. Someone sarcastic yet easily manipulated.

Jaycinth: Robeiae was busy this week.

#

Meanwhile, in the Royalty Thread, Christmas has passed:

“Did everyone get nice things for Christmas?” Beach Bunny said as she flopped onto a couch with a glass of wine in hand.

“I got an invitation to the Sauerkraut Packers Convention!” Vixey replied.

“Really? So did I!” regdog said.

“Same here,” Beach Bunny added. “We should get ready to go. The invitation says it will be held the Monday after New Year’s Day.”

“So...um...what do Sauerkraut Packersdo?” regdog said.

“I dunno,” Vixey replied. “But it says there will be an open bar!”

“Squeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!” they said in unison.

Little did they know the evil BenPanced and his minions were luring them to their doom. He’s a bad one, that panced; as bad as they come; worse than skid-marks on a fresh pair of silken underwear. But, you already know that...

#

While the Royalty gals were making reservations for the Meat Packers Convention, BenPanced was putting the finishing touches on his rudely hatched nefarious plan:

SoccerMom: Um...no, he isn’t.

New Writer: What do you mean ‘No, he isn’t?”

MsCelina: You left him in the closet a few paragraphs ago.

New Writer: That can’t be. Didn’t he come out of the closet yet?

SoccerMom: Physically or metaphorically?

New Writer: Physically.

SoccerMom: Yeah. No.

New Writer: Crap.

MsCelina: Delarge isn’t in this scene, is he?

New Writer: Shut up! I need to think.

MsCelina: Don’t tell me to shut up, you hack! It’s your fault you haven’t kept the story moving forward.

New Writer: Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! I quit! <storms off>

Haggis: Oh, great, Cel. Do you know what we have to go through to get new writers?

MsCelina: Sorry, Haggis.

Haggis: <sighs> It’s okay. We’ll get one before Ben suffocates in the closet. How much air do you think he has left?

<the sound of a muffled -poot- is heard>

SoccerMom: Sounds like plenty, to me.

Haggis: Um...let’s leave that door closed for now. I’ll be back in the next chapter with another writer. I hope...

#

Will regdog, vixey and Beach Bunny bring along the rest of the Royalty Thread folks to the Sauerkraut Packers Convention?

Will Haggis find someone who can actually write to put this puppy to bed?

Will Susie kill Robeiae?

Will this stupid story never end?

Stay tuned next week, same time, same forum for what may be the conclusion, but probably won't.

regdog
12-29-2008, 04:41 PM
Vixey, Beach Bunny the chihuahua is casting dispersions on our character. Oh wait...we've already buried our characater with our lascivious and wanton behavior. And in my own personal case, a penchant for pyromania.

Never mind, you can continue, Haggis

Ol' Fashioned Girl
12-29-2008, 05:13 PM
I'm looking forward to the Sauerkraut Packers Convention. The Packers' President it being played by Gerard Butler.













What? That's what Haggis tol' me!

Kitrianna
12-29-2008, 05:14 PM
*drums freshly sharpened nails on the desk* So I'm chopped liver now? I should skin the writer who left me out of both the Royalty girls and the bad cats. And what about DL for that matter? She's the baddest cat around. And alley. And lostgirl! Then of course you left Bill and Don out of the Royalty part. Hmmm. I see a lot of reasons piling up for skinning :D A belated Christmas gift I suppose...

Haggis
12-29-2008, 05:36 PM
I'm looking forward to the Sauerkraut Packers Convention. The Packers' President it being played by Gerard Butler.

What? That's what Haggis tol' me!

I tol' you nothing, Ol' Lady. I.Did.Not.Write.This.


*drums freshly sharpened nails on the desk* So I'm chopped liver now? I should skin the writer who left me out of both the Royalty girls and the bad cats. And what about DL for that matter? She's the baddest cat around. And alley. And lostgirl! Then of course you left Bill and Don out of the Royalty part. Hmmm. I see a lot of reasons piling up for skinning :D A belated Christmas gift I suppose...

Do not blame me, Kit. I.Did.Not.Write.This. But I'm beginning to think that Ol' Lady had something to do with it.

Kitrianna
12-29-2008, 05:40 PM
You protest WAY too much Haggis. I am to the point of no longer believing that You.Did.Not.Write.This. in the slightest. I'm sure you have an itch that needs to be scratched...:D

Haggis
12-29-2008, 05:44 PM
You protest WAY too much Haggis. I am to the point of no longer believing that You.Did.Not.Write.This. in the slightest. I'm sure you have an itch that needs to be scratched...:D

Hey. I'm a guy. When something itches, we scratch it.

quickWit
12-29-2008, 05:49 PM
I.Did.Not.Write.This.


I.Did.Not.Write.This.

I.Did.Not.Write.This.

Well done Haggis. :D

cray
12-29-2008, 06:09 PM
But I'm pretty sure cray did.








sorry, charlie. t'wasn't me.
...i'd never use the word "Packersdo" in a story about fajitas.

:tongue


so there.

but now i'm thinking that celina wrote this crap. it has what she has,.... a certain understated evil threatening to boil to the surface at any minute. :D

Kitrianna
12-29-2008, 06:11 PM
I beg to differ. Celina's story would be infinitely more cerebral and horrific. Much more blood shed. This is too PG 13 for Celina.

Haggis
12-29-2008, 06:14 PM
I beg to differ. Celina's story would be infinitely more cerebral and horrific. Much more blood shed. This is too PG 13 for Celina.

*sends note to real author--need more bloodshed...needs more horror...needs a cerebrum...*

Kitrianna
12-29-2008, 06:15 PM
Needs more fur flying :D I wanna see Haggis get skinned.

BTW are we making a frankenstory?

vixey
12-29-2008, 06:22 PM
I'm looking forward to the Sauerkraut Packers Convention. The Packers' President it being played by Gerard Butler.

What? That's what Haggis tol' me!

Ooohhhh....I hope he sings!! Uh...Gerard Butler not Haggis.

Kitrianna
12-29-2008, 06:23 PM
Haggis won;t be singing when I'm done with him...unless you consider screams of agony to be music. I do, but that's just me :D

Shadow_Ferret
12-29-2008, 06:38 PM
You know, I've completely lost track of what's going on.

And how did I end up with Dawno, Poet, and Panced?

Haggis
12-29-2008, 06:40 PM
You know, I've completely lost track of what's going on.

And how did I end up with Dawno, Poet, and Panced?

Start here (http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/showthread.php?t=118491).

Kitrianna
12-29-2008, 06:40 PM
You were bait. Or someone misread the notes :D

Shadow_Ferret
12-29-2008, 06:43 PM
I was bait? What the hell?

I get no respect.


Start here.Actually, I DID go back and read that to figure out where things went awry.

Kitrianna
12-29-2008, 06:44 PM
But you're such cute bait SF! ;)

Shadow_Ferret
12-29-2008, 06:48 PM
Meh.

Kitrianna
12-29-2008, 06:49 PM
What? I compliment you, threaten Haggis repeatedly in multiple threads and all you can say is Meh? See if I try to make you happy again!

Beach Bunny
12-29-2008, 07:34 PM
Clearly Haggis did. not. write. this.

And whoever the new writer is, has never visited the Royalty thread. That bit is tame, much too tame. :rolleyes:

Flopping down on the couch?!? with a glass of wine?!? in my hand?!?

*sticks nose up in the air* I sashay, slink, slither, flirt, tease, taunt, etc. I don't do "flop." And it's with a TEQUILA bottle not a glass of wine. Please. :rolleyes:

Yeah, there is no way Haggis wrote this. Either Cray needs to get out more or Rolling Thunder needs to come down off his mountain and play a little bit. ;)

cray
12-29-2008, 07:37 PM
or Rolling Thunder needs to come down off his mountain and play a little bit. ;)


psst....that's not a mountain. that is actually rt!



:roll:
ifunny.

Haggis
12-29-2008, 07:38 PM
Clearly Haggis did. not. write. this.

And whoever the new writer is, has never visited the Royalty thread. That bit is tame, much too tame. :rolleyes:

Flopping down on the couch?!? with a glass of wine?!? in my hand?!?

*sticks nose up in the air* I sashay, slink, slither, flirt, tease, taunt, etc. I don't do "flop." And it's with a TEQUILA bottle not a glass of wine. Please. :rolleyes:

Yeah, there is no way Haggis wrote this. Either Cray needs to get out more or Rolling Thunder needs to come down off his mountain and play a little bit. ;)

See? That's what I've been trying to tell everyone.

Thanks, Beach Bunny.

Beach Bunny
12-29-2008, 07:51 PM
psst....that's not a mountain. that is actually rt!

Yeah, whatever, obviously RT has been spending way too much time playing with the wrong kind of kittie cats.

See? That's what I've been trying to tell everyone.

Thanks, Beach Bunny.
You're welcome. But, if I find out you did write this and trashed my carefully crafted reputation there will be no more christmas presents for you. *wink*

robeiae
12-29-2008, 08:47 PM
I feel dirty.

quickWit
12-29-2008, 08:51 PM
I feel dirty.

What are you wearing?

Shadow_Ferret
12-29-2008, 08:51 PM
Fishnet stockings on his arms. Can't you see?

mscelina
12-29-2008, 09:11 PM
sorry, charlie. t'wasn't me.
...i'd never use the word "Packersdo" in a story about fajitas.

:tongue


so there.

but now i'm thinking that celina wrote this crap. it has what she has,.... a certain understated evil threatening to boil to the surface at any minute. :D


I beg to differ. Celina's story would be infinitely more cerebral and horrific. Much more blood shed. This is too PG 13 for Celina.


*sends note to real author--need more bloodshed...needs more horror...needs a cerebrum...*

People survive this story. If I'd written it someone would have died, horribly,before witnesses, who curiously siphoned up the blood in quart jars to see how much there was and then would make bloodwine out of it to satisfy the poor neglected folk in the horror sector...


I feel dirty.

Now I do too. Geez.

Haggis
12-29-2008, 09:14 PM
HEY, EVERYONE. ROB AND CELINA ARE GETTING DIRTY.

Beach Bunny
12-29-2008, 10:22 PM
Gah!

Need

Mindbleach!

Shadow_Ferret
12-29-2008, 10:24 PM
Everyone!

Please stop shouting!

mscelina
12-29-2008, 10:26 PM
Meh. Rob and I have done worse than that.

Shadow_Ferret
12-29-2008, 10:32 PM
*backs slowly out of the thread*

Beach Bunny
12-29-2008, 10:36 PM
Meh. Rob and I have done worse than that.
*backing out along with the ferret*

Were you drunk?
stoned?
mentally incapacitated?

I know. *snap* He was masquerading as Silver King.

mscelina
12-29-2008, 10:44 PM
ROFLMAO!

Oh no...there's a big difference between Rob and Silver King. A VERY big difference.

vixey
12-29-2008, 10:45 PM
*stands off stage and waits for Rob's response*

robeiae
12-29-2008, 10:52 PM
ROFLMAO!

Oh no...there's a big difference between Rob and Silver King. A VERY big difference.
I'm fairly certain that I don't like where this thread is going...

Besides, SK is my beyotch. Ask him.

Shadow_Ferret
12-29-2008, 10:54 PM
I don't know anything about Silver King. Does he even post?

robeiae
12-29-2008, 10:56 PM
Only when I let him.

mscelina
12-29-2008, 11:04 PM
Only when I let him.

:roll:

Hush, Rob, you're giving away our secrets again.

Beach Bunny
12-29-2008, 11:51 PM
*stares at Rob and Celina*
You know, this is sicker than me snuggling into RT's lap and giving him a kiss. Just saying ...

vixey
12-29-2008, 11:55 PM
*stares at Rob and Celina*
You know, this is sicker than me snuggling into RT's lap and giving him a kiss. Just saying ...

RT let you do that! :eek:

mscelina
12-29-2008, 11:58 PM
Beach Bunny, you have no idea how sick we can be if we collaborate...

Haggis
12-30-2008, 12:01 AM
RT let you do that! :eek:

You let RT do that? :eek:

Beach Bunny
12-30-2008, 12:02 AM
RT let you do that! :eek:
Vixey, hello? There was no "Let" about it. I just did it. ;)

Shadow_Ferret
12-30-2008, 12:03 AM
This thread just keeps getting creepier all the time.

vixey
12-30-2008, 12:04 AM
Vixey, hello? There was no "Let" about it. I just did it. ;)

I know. :D

Beach Bunny
12-30-2008, 12:05 AM
:ROFL:

Beach Bunny
12-30-2008, 12:06 AM
You let RT do that? :eek:
Actually, Haggis, I believe RT was stunned speechless. Least, near as I can tell.

vixey
12-30-2008, 12:29 AM
You know, Beach Bunny, just once I'd like to see you get a rise out of RT. :rolleyes:

Shadow_Ferret
12-30-2008, 12:35 AM
You know, Beach Bunny, just once I'd like to see you get a rise out of RT. :rolleyes:
Ew!
http://i53.photobucket.com/albums/g76/shadow_ferret/Ferret-is-listening-1.jpg

cray
12-30-2008, 12:38 AM
You know, Beach Bunny, just once I'd like to see you get a rise out of RT. :rolleyes:


*insert viagra joke here*

mscelina
12-30-2008, 12:41 AM
I was thinking bicycle pumps, personally.

cray
12-30-2008, 12:41 AM
:roll:

you're right. i should prolly delete my post,..

mscelina
12-30-2008, 12:44 AM
Nah. leave it as it is. Let everyone enjoy the progression of thought processess, cray...

Haggis
12-30-2008, 12:47 AM
*insert viagra joke here*


:roll:

you're right. i should prolly delete my post,..

Too late. :D

Beach Bunny
12-30-2008, 12:47 AM
:ROFL:


You know, Beach Bunny, just once I'd like to see you get a rise out of RT. :rolleyes:
It would be a new experience for him, I'm sure. But, would he know what to do next? *flutters eyelashes*

Kitrianna
12-30-2008, 01:41 AM
NOrmally I would say he's male, he'll know what to do, but that isn't always the case. :tongue

RT, I like hate green. *clings to avatar*

Jaycinth
12-30-2008, 04:37 AM
You let RT do that? :eek:


I let RT do all kinds of things...I even encourage it...and it has never shocked you.

You getting senile or something?

You better give me Power of Attorney over your accounts just to make sure.


No, don't thank me.