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Fraulein
12-24-2008, 10:07 AM
If I try to show that I'm serious about something to my boyfriend, whether I say that I don't want him to say/do _____ types of things because they are getting on my nerves/hurting me or that I need to be left alone, it seems like he tries to make the situation worse. What's up with that?... How do I make it 100% clear that I am not being funny and that I need _____ to stop?


ETA: It's usually the teasing or 'button pushing' that makes a situation worse. If I wanted to be tested (my patience that is), I'd go babysit a drunk group of friends...


Thanks for the help!

Beach Bunny
12-24-2008, 11:06 AM
I'm going to answer the question first.
He knows he is annoying you. He's getting some kind of reward or pleasure from his behavior. If nothing you have said to him so far, including "I'm serious stop that.", has made him stop, then you have to change your response to his annoying behavior. This is not an easy task for you. Because when we're annoyed we go for the natural response to annoyance, it's hard to respond in an uncharastic way. A response that does not contain a bit of annoyance and does not otherwise reward his behavior is the best. You'll have to figure out what that might be as it's hard to tell what might work in a your specific situation as I do not know your SO. Some responses which might work: pick up a novel and start reading, put on headphones and listen to your ipod, leave the room.

Since he's demonstrated that he is not going to stop doing something when you have repeatedly asked him to, it might also be a good time to ask yourself, "Do I really want to stay in this relationship?" He's not going to change. You will have to. It's hard work for you to change. Is it worth it? :)

thethinker42
12-24-2008, 11:09 AM
Coming from a family of snarky button-pushers, I would say that if he can't - or won't - respect a boundary, or back off when you tell him you REALLY aren't kidding, then you may want to reconsider staying with him. My family pushes buttons constantly, but a serious "Look, don't go there" is enough to tell someone they've pushed the envelope too far. Refusing to respect that is incredibly disrespectful.

Yeshanu
12-24-2008, 11:16 AM
I really can't answer in full, because I don't know the whole situation. I can think of a number of possibilities:

1) If it's a minor thing you're fussing about, it may be best to simply ignore what he's doing. He's quite possibly doing whatever it is just to get a rise out of you, and if you stop rising to the bait, he'll stop doing the behavior.

2) If it's more major (like saying hurtful things, or doing things that are risky physically for you or him), and intentionally hurtful to you, I'd simply tell him: If you don't stop doing X, that's it. I'm out of here.

That sort of behavior, under guise of "teasing" can easily cross over into real abuse. Even if it doesn't, he's shown no respect for you or your feelings.

And listen to the Bunny: You need to ask yourself now: Is this relationship worth the work I'd have to put into it to make it healthy? Only you can answer that question, but be advised that it will be work, and he may not be willing to do any of it.

And hugs. You're in a tough spot, and you've got a difficult decision to make. Go easy on yourself. :Hug2:

Ciera_
12-24-2008, 11:16 AM
How do you let your sig. other know that you're serious? (without making it worse)

Hmm. . . as Zachary Quinto never responds to me, I don't think I'm that good at the getting-through-to-significant-others thing, but I'll give it a shot:

smack him upside the head when he acts like an immature little brat. Or, if you're a pacifist. . . (Uh, I'm at a loss. I hope you're not opposed to violence!)
And, y'know, for a long-term and proper fix, listen to Beach Bunny ^.^
ETA: and the others who stealthily posted while I watched South Park >.>
good luck!

NeuroFizz
12-24-2008, 11:27 AM
"Don't know when to stop" runs in my family. The honest approach doesn't always work, but it's always the best way to go, complete with a clear indication that there will be consequences if he doesn't let up. The most important thing, however, is to follow through with those consequences, even if it is to take a breather in the relationship (adding my check mark behind BB's suggestion).

Cassiopeia
12-24-2008, 12:07 PM
Dang it, I had this brilliant post all done up and then the site wouldn't load.

So let me have a go at this again. :)

I have found when someone is pushing my buttons that the worst thing I can do is react. What works for me is to leave the room without any reaction what so ever. And I mean no facial expression, no exasperated sighs, no jerking movements that show I'm annoyed. After all, button pushers are LOOKING for a reaction.

If that person follows me (little kids as well as some adults are prone to do that) I just keep silently moving from room to room until I'm left alone. As I'm usually a fairly animated person in that I'm talkative with my family and friends and I'm a smiley kinda gal, it FREAKS them out. I let the stillness speak for me.

It usually takes about two hours before that person comes to me willingly asking me what they did and how can they make it better. THAT is when I can be heard and only then. I tell them peacefully without anger or malice what I want. I do it in two sentences or less and I don't lecture. If I find myself lecturing I know they are going to resent me.

And you know what is so great, there's no fighting. I say my peace and if they aren't receptive I just start over, move to the other room and keep quiet.

Pete and Repeat. :)

If that doesn't work? Well, I'm not going to be so politically correct as BB and Fizzy. Dump his sorry butt for not being respectful of you and your feelings. There's plenty of fish in the sea out there and no one needs to settle for someone who doesn't respect them.

ETA: On those times when I haven't used the method I just spoke about, I ended up in a screaming match and in tears. I hate screaming, particularly if I'm the one doing it.

regdog
12-24-2008, 03:09 PM
After years of living with family members who get a kick out of doing this, I can give you only one piece of advice.

Walk away. It is the healthiest thing for you to do.

Fraulein
12-24-2008, 06:01 PM
Thanks everyone!

I'm stuck working with Christmas Eve and multitasking just to get out of the door to be on time for work- make-up plus typing- but I'll be back soon...

Rolling Thunder
12-24-2008, 06:06 PM
If I try to show that I'm serious about something to my boyfriend, whether I say that I don't want him to say/do _____ types of things because they are getting on my nerves/hurting me or that I need to be left alone, it seems like he tries to make the situation worse.

It's called passive-aggressive behavior (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Passive-aggressive_behavior).

Ol' Fashioned Girl
12-24-2008, 06:27 PM
Yuppers. R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

He ain't got it? He can't get it? He won't get it?

He ain't worth the time of day. Dump him and move on to someone who is.

vixey
12-24-2008, 06:43 PM
The others have said it so well already, but the 'take a good look at the relationship and run' message gets another vote here.

truelyana
12-24-2008, 08:22 PM
That's interesting. Just today, honesty. Otherwise it's never going to work.

scarletpeaches
12-24-2008, 08:23 PM
The others have said it so well already, but the 'take a good look at the relationship and run' message gets another vote here.

And another.

Me? I certainly wouldn't stand for being disrespected in this way.

Ganymede
12-24-2008, 08:44 PM
I wouldn't put up with it, either.

Having family members who do that as well, I am very familar with this.

Another tactic, besides leaving the room, is to not do things for them. IE when they ask for help with something, want you to fix something, cook something, go on an outing with them, etc., then don't. Tell them you aren't going to do X for them because they wouldn't do Y for you earlier.

Another good line to say:
"If you won't respect me, why should I respect you?"

You might get a range of reactions from disbelief changing over quickly to a temper tantrum with nasty remarks, but great. You just add,

"By saying [what they said], you're only confirming that you don't have a lot of respect for me. Which is why I don't want to spend my energy doing things for you right now."

And leave the room again.

The hardest part will be staying calm, firm, and consistent, but you'll have to stick to your guns without yelling, swearing, or making comments that can be viewed as 'personal attacks'.

The relationship may unravel if you continue this, or your SO may get a big clue that you mean business and straighten up. But if it were me, I say either scenario is better than putting up with a jerk all the time and being unhappy.

Good luck. Sorry to hear you are in this situation, but glad to hear you're trying to do something to stop it.

NeuroFizz
12-24-2008, 09:12 PM
Aside from the long-term solution that everyone seems to think best (me, too), here are some short term "freeze-outs" you may want to try.

Just stare him down and say, "Feeling better about yourself now?" Maybe he'll get the hint. (This one works on me when I get a little pissy.)

Or if that doesn't work there's the old standby, "If I wanted to listen to an a$$hole, I would have farted." Just strange enough to shut them up for at least a little while.

If either one triggers a temper tantrum, just leave.

vixey
12-24-2008, 09:37 PM
Or if that doesn't work there's the old standby, "If I wanted to listen to an a$$hole, I would have farted." Just strange enough to shut them up for at least a little while.

:roll:

Shadow_Ferret
12-24-2008, 10:19 PM
WTF? I swear I responded to this... ?

OK.

To me it sounds like he's a wiseass, like me. He thinks not taking you seriously is funny.

What you need to do is this. Give him a good swift kick in the nuts and yell, "Now are you going to take me seriously, asshole?"

Otherwise, I agree with everyone who said you need to do a serious re-eval of your relationship. If he isn't willing to take you seriously, find someone who will.

And I apologize, but I'm taken. :D

Cassiopeia
12-24-2008, 10:41 PM
It's really hard for my kids to take me seriously. Mainly because I'm such a cool mom. :D

But seriously, (yes I am a cool mom but that's not why they tend to not get the point) part of the problem I had in the beginning was tolerating their joking around and not listening. So I came up with a new rule. If I have to resort to yelling at you to get your attention, you are soooooooooooooo grounded. AND have to do twices as many chores AND the gaming consoles are now hereby confiscated.

So, you might want to consider putting him time out. :D It will get his attention. Time out is just an alternative method to the one I have said before but it works just as well. You tell him: Listen, I'm tired of telling you to knock that off so go away. That's it. Just go away until I say otherwise.

I love Fizzy's suggestions as well as my dear Ferret Face. Sometimes it does help to be a bit more blunt but you gotta know your guy to know which is most effective. :)

Fraulein
12-25-2008, 10:38 AM
Ok. Thanks again for all of your suggestions!!!

First, if the "wiseass"ness doesn't resolve soon, then I will be moving on. I don't think anyone deserves to be treated like that if they don't act like that themselves.
Also, on the flip side, after 4 years of being in a relationship with someone, I don't think it's a good idea to cut the cord without going through some kind of procedure that could very well lead to a resolution.

Second, there is a trend in his family for people to either 1) overreact by turning anything into a doom-and-gloom type of situation 2) attack others whenever the person feels like he/she is being criticized, whether it was intended to be critical or not or 3) to be antagonistic until the situation turns into a verbal slaughter that inadvertently harms the other person due to overstepping personal boundaries.
(This is just so fantastic, NOT! ...although I think it's fixable, at least in his case because he can be very reasonable and thoughtful.)
So thinkythinker42, I agree that temperament can flow through a person's family with or without it being intentional. The type of negative temperament that seems to have been taught within his family, which you can see in his mother sometimes, also seems to be hellbent on sticking around, too. Lovely! :rolleyes:

Third, I am trying to be very straightforward and upfront with what I need to change. As Neurofizzy said, I can't waiver or my efforts will be ineffective.

After ignoring his antagonistic behavior last night and earlier today (which oddly resulted in a significant amount of guilt from my SO --> after I got off from work, I came back to a super clean apartment, a nicely wrapped present with a handmade bow, and groceries), I plan to separate myself, each and every time, from the snide and snarky comments until this gets resolved.
I think everyone who suggested this within the thread was right on target! (BB, Cassi, Ganymede, et al.) What doesn't kill me will make me stronger, right?
Sometimes I find myself caving to pressure whenever I shouldn't, so I will try my best to hold my ground and make it very clear that I do not want to be part of a wiseass's verbal target practice.

scarletpeaches
12-25-2008, 03:46 PM
...after 4 years of being in a relationship with someone, I don't think it's a good idea to cut the cord without going through some kind of procedure that could very well lead to a resolution...

Even if the other person's doing a very good impression of someone who doesn't want to be in a relationship with you?

Fraulein
12-25-2008, 04:26 PM
Even if the other person's doing a very good impression of someone who doesn't want to be in a relationship with you?that, or getting too comfortable in his ways and taking the relationship for granted.

He says, almost every day, that he wants to be with me indefinitely (in some form or another), but you would think that his actions would show that much more so than they do now.

I really wouldn't mind seeing a relationship counselor or someone like that. Perhaps a 'referee' would help, and maybe he won't feel so bullied by me- Ms. Has-to-fix-it-now-or-else.

scarletpeaches
12-25-2008, 04:30 PM
Oh, I completely agree with you. If something's wrong in a relationship I wanted it fixed now. I don't see the point in waiting. Why prolong any emotional pain when one could sort it out A.S.A.P?

But if a man said he wanted to be with me 'indefinitely' I'd wonder exactly what that meant. Is he saying 'until I find something better'? Especially if he was treating me so disrespectfullly.

I remember saying once that I never listen to what a man says; I look at what he does and if his actions (or lack thereof) contradict his words, that says a lot about where his priorities lie.

Fraulein
12-25-2008, 04:38 PM
Oh, I completely agree with you. If something's wrong in a relationship I wanted it fixed now. I don't see the point in waiting. Why prolong any emotional pain when one could sort it out A.S.A.P?Me too! I'm at the now or never point, and it's really difficult.



But if a man said he wanted to be with me 'indefinitely' I'd wonder exactly what that meant. Is he saying 'until I find something better'? Especially if he was treating me so disrespectfullly.

I remember saying once that I never listen to what a man says; I look at what he does and if his actions (or lack thereof) contradict his words, that says a lot about where his priorities lie.That's how I've always thought about things, too, and I don't want to waver from what I expect out of a relationship.

Stlight
12-26-2008, 08:43 PM
Rolling Thunder is right. So are the others. And SP is a wise woman. This is abuse. One form of abuse leads to another. You really need to think about this relationship and how much you’re willing to take. People don’t abuse those they love.

Many people after they beat the crap out of their SO bring flowers and or jewelry. With the suddenly clean apartment, I’d say the pattern is beginning.

Call it abuse for awhile and see how you feel about it. Putting the correct name on things can clear one’s vision.

Shadow_Ferret
12-26-2008, 09:00 PM
... and it's really difficult.


Of course it is, but for your own emotional and mental well-being changes need to occur, either within the relationship itself, or as a break from that relationship.

No one is more important than YOU.

If you aren't getting what you want from the relationship, cut ties, move on, LIVE and be HAPPY.

Siddow
12-26-2008, 09:37 PM
dr. Phil: The only thing worse than being in an abusive relationship for four years, is being in one for four years and ONE DAY.

If you guys were married with children, I'd say you should try to resolve the issue before calling it quits. But a POS boyfriend? I'd put him on the curb and start hollering, "Next!"

HeronW
12-26-2008, 10:36 PM
Try to stay calm, tell him in small simple words why his behavior upsets you. If he insists on remaining an asshat, walk away from the situation and come back after doing something you enjoy either alone or with people who treat you with respect. If this continues--leave the bastard for someone who is an adult emotionally and mentally.

scarletpeaches
12-26-2008, 10:54 PM
dr. Phil: The only thing worse than being in an abusive relationship for four years, is being in one for four years and ONE DAY.

If you guys were married with children, I'd say you should try to resolve the issue before calling it quits. But a POS boyfriend? I'd put him on the curb and start hollering, "Next!"

Good god, no, that'd be even more reason to get out. Who wants children growing up in that sort of environment?

Stlight
12-27-2008, 12:18 AM
SP is spot on! The sooner out the better for the kids. You can't keep secrets from them, they know what the adults do to each other. Kids and animals just become leverage for abusers.

Siddow
12-27-2008, 12:29 AM
SP is spot on! The sooner out the better for the kids. You can't keep secrets from them, they know what the adults do to each other. Kids and animals just become leverage for abusers.

Well, I know SP has no children. You, I have no clue. Me? I've got tons, and I put up with crap that I'd never let a boyfriend get away with because none of it ever seems more important than keeping their family intact.

Ditching a marriage because it's 'hard' teaches your children to run from conflict, and to treat your loved ones as disposable. Facing conflict and coming through the other side teaches your children to fight for themselves and what is right, and to call people on it when they treat you with disrespect.

But no kids, no marriage, no 'family' to keep together? Ditch 'em!

scarletpeaches
12-27-2008, 12:35 AM
Well, I know SP has no children. You, I have no clue. Me? I've got tons, and I put up with crap that I'd never let a boyfriend get away with because none of it ever seems more important than keeping their family intact.

Oh well, that's all right then. SP has no children so she can ditch a worthwhile relationship when the going gets tough.

Except, the thing is...no man who's worth sticking to would disrespect you in the way the OP mentioned.

Now, you might think I walk away from relationships at the drop of the hat because women without children don't know the meaning of the word commitment, but that's not the case.

I walk away from disrespectful men because I know the meaning of the words 'self-respect'.

And if I did have children, that'd be the first thing I'd teach them; that no-one has the right to speak abusively to either of their parents. Or them.

If you stand by and take such treatment, you teach children that's acceptable and it never will be to me.

Never in this lifetime.


Ditching a marriage because it's 'hard' teaches your children to run from conflict, and to treat your loved ones as disposable.

Um, no. We're not talking about running away from conflict. We're talking about leaving an abusive relationship.


But no kids, no marriage, no 'family' to keep together? Ditch 'em!

Yes, because boyfriends mean less than husbands.

Siddow
12-27-2008, 12:49 AM
Yes, because boyfriends mean less than husbands.

As they should. :)

scarletpeaches
12-27-2008, 12:51 AM
In your opinion.

I was being sarcastic.

I'd rather stay with a man (or woman) because I loved them, not because a piece of paper legally obligated me to do so.

If boyfriends mean less than husbands, does that mean if I had a female partner, she'd mean less too, because we wouldn't be married?

Don't answer that; it was rhetorical.

To me, loving someone is what makes you partners, not a title given by the government or the Inland Revenue for tax purposes.

Shadow_Ferret
12-27-2008, 12:53 AM
Ditching a marriage because it's 'hard' teaches your children to run from conflict, and to treat your loved ones as disposable. Facing conflict and coming through the other side teaches your children to fight for themselves and what is right, and to call people on it when they treat you with disrespect.

Staying in a failing marriage doesn't teach the kids anything except possibly how two people who no longer love and respect each other interact. I don't think that's a lesson I want to pass on to my children because they might believe that's how normal people interact. They might get the impression that is how two people who LOVE each other act.

And that's NOT the message I want to pass on.

Ditching a marriage teaches your kids that sometimes things just don't work out, people grow apart, people change, people fall out of love, and people deserve happiness.

Siddow
12-27-2008, 12:53 AM
If boyfriends mean less than husbands, does that mean if I had a female partner, she'd mean less too, because we wouldn't be married?

Don't answer that; it was rhetorical.



Too bad, I'm going to answer it:

Girlfriends ALWAYS trump husbands. :tongue

Siddow
12-27-2008, 12:55 AM
Et tu, Ferret?

Feiss
12-27-2008, 12:55 AM
Do the same thing I do with my cat when he won't stop meowing, pick him up and dunk him in a tub full of ice water. He'll be too busy with grooming himself to be annoying.

Shadow_Ferret
12-27-2008, 01:01 AM
Et tu, Ferret?
Sorry, Siddow.

I guess I was making this about me and it's actually about the OP.

Apologies all around.

Stlight
12-27-2008, 01:03 AM
People don't always know when their SO is abusing the children. Whispers and threats to not repeat what was said.

It's supposed to work in a progression from verbal abuse to physical abuse to life threatening. Sometimes individuals skip that middle step.

Children grow up doing what they are shown more than what they were told.

Disa
12-27-2008, 01:21 AM
I'd say just show him the door before you ARE married and have kids. The kids will be just as disrespectful, and that's just no fun for anyone. Respect isn't something you can teach an adult, can you? And why should you have to put yourself through all that? I knew people in this situation, run while you still can.

ETA: I don't care how much make up giving and cleaning he did. If his behavior was a one time thing and he was really sorry and he never did it again, well ok that's different. If no behavior modification, kick him to the curb.

Cassiopeia
12-27-2008, 04:57 AM
Do the same thing I do with my cat when he won't stop meowing, pick him up and dunk him in a tub full of ice water. He'll be too busy with grooming himself to be annoying.Remind me to report you to the Humane Society next year. :D

Fraulein
12-27-2008, 08:25 PM
In your opinion.

I was being sarcastic.

I'd rather stay with a man (or woman) because I loved them, not because a piece of paper legally obligated me to do so.

If boyfriends mean less than husbands, does that mean if I had a female partner, she'd mean less too, because we wouldn't be married?

Don't answer that; it was rhetorical.

To me, loving someone is what makes you partners, not a title given by the government or the Inland Revenue for tax purposes.I do love him. Very much and vice versa (he feels the same, except that he acts like a jerk too). That's why I would rather fix what I think are problems. *sigh*

Fraulein
12-27-2008, 08:28 PM
Do the same thing I do with my cat when he won't stop meowing, pick him up and dunk him in a tub full of ice water. He'll be too busy with grooming himself to be annoying.That's too funny!


If no behavior modification, kick him to the curb.That's how I feel too.

scarletpeaches
12-27-2008, 08:30 PM
I do love him. Very much and vice versa (he feels the same, except that he acts like a jerk too). That's why I would rather fix what I think are problems. *sigh*

If he feels the same, why does he act like a jerk?

Sure, I've been called picky. High-maintenance. What of it? I say I have standards.

And I say a man who disrespects you to the point of being a jerk might say he loves you, but I never listen to what a man says. I look at how he acts.

Jerk behaviour =/= love.

Yeshanu
12-27-2008, 08:30 PM
That's too funny!

Sometimes humour is the best defense.

But I think in this case the silent treatment might extinguish the behavior and make things better.

It's a learned behavior, and it can be unlearned. Let us know how things are going. :Hug2:

scarletpeaches
12-27-2008, 08:33 PM
Sometimes humour is the best defense.

But I think in this case the silent treatment might extinguish the behavior and make things better.

It's a learned behavior, and it can be unlearned. Let us know how things are going. :Hug2:

True, learned behaviour can be unlearned...but only if the person wants to change.

I really, really don't think it's one adult's place to teach another how to change. Or at least you can't make it happen.

Isn't it obvious that I don't suffer fools gladly? :D I just think...it's emotionally exhausting trying to teach a man to be a man. Let him figure it out for himself or go find someone who's already what you want, rather than taking a jackass and trying to re-mould him.

scarletpeaches, never one for trying to change a man...or woman.

vixey
12-27-2008, 08:37 PM
Can you possibly take a 'break' from the relationship? Maybe an agreed to Time Out for a few weeks? Marriages can benefit from this too.

Fraulein
12-27-2008, 08:41 PM
If he feels the same, why does he act like a jerk?

Sure, I've been called picky. High-maintenance. What of it? I say I have standards.I don't know exactly why he acts that way. After he gets all jerkish, he feels really guilty for it later- like he just can't help himself. People in his family can act the same way.


And I say a man who disrespects you to the point of being a jerk might say he loves you, but I never listen to what a man says. I look at how he acts.

Jerk behaviour =/= love.I know.



Things have gotten better since I started this thread, but I don't want to qualify that just yet, because it's such a short amount of time to be considered long-term.

We did a lot of talking while traveling over Christmas, and I think it's slowly sinking into his brain.
I said this, to make it simple, that he needs to focus on what he likes in life and start realizing that his life is not the same pile of crap that it had been for so many years. I think his jerkishness comes from his own problems with life, like depression and hopelessness, and right now, things are looking up, up, up (jobs and the end of school). So, that's why I'm starting to really think twice about his crappy responses to certain things and how he deals with problems, because if he can't enjoy life when it's good, then he can't enjoy life at all- which is not my style.

Fraulein
12-27-2008, 08:43 PM
Can you possibly take a 'break' from the relationship? Maybe an agreed to Time Out for a few weeks? Marriages can benefit from this too.I just started doing that with intimacy; a week or so between here and there.

vixey
12-27-2008, 08:44 PM
His jerkishness comes from his own problems with life, like depression and hopelessness, and right now, things are looking up, up, up. So, that's why I'm starting to really think twice about his crappy responses to certain things and how he deals with problems, because if he can't enjoy life when it's good, then he can't enjoy life at all- which is not my style.

Life is a roller coaster and you'll have many low times. His jerkiness could return.

Fraulein
12-27-2008, 08:50 PM
Life is a roller coaster and you'll have many low times. His jerkiness could return.I know. It's a huge risk.

scarletpeaches
12-27-2008, 11:57 PM
I just started doing that with intimacy; a week or so between here and there.

Oh dear.

Ahem.

Whether this applies to your specific situation or not, I'm going to say it anyway, just to put it 'out there'.

Sex is not a bargaining chip. It is - or can be - an expression of love in physical form. If you're not expressing the love, is it there at all? If you can get away without intimacy - if you're using its absence as an outward expression of lack, what does that tell you?

As soon as you start withdrawing it to teach someone a lesson or punish them (bearing in mind I'm not saying these are your reasons; I'm just speaking out loud), something's gone seriously wrong with the relationship.

If I was with someone and could bear not having sex with them for a week or more, that would tell me my mind had left the partnership and my body was following closely behind.

William Haskins
12-27-2008, 11:58 PM
each time he engages in offensive behavior, throw battery acid in his face.

it's called "conditioning".

Shadow_Ferret
12-28-2008, 01:37 AM
I just started doing that with intimacy; a week or so between here and there.
With Intimacy?

Isn't that called emotional blackmail?

I think if your intent is to drive him away, that might be a good strategy.

Cassiopeia
12-28-2008, 02:24 AM
Oh dear.

Ahem.

Whether this applies to your specific situation or not, I'm going to say it anyway, just to put it 'out there'.

Sex is not a bargaining chip. It is - or can be - an expression of love in physical form. If you're not expressing the love, is it there at all? If you can get away without intimacy - if you're using its absence as an outward expression of lack, what does that tell you?

As soon as you start withdrawing it to teach someone a lesson or punish them (bearing in mind I'm not saying these are your reasons; I'm just speaking out loud), something's gone seriously wrong with the relationship.

If I was with someone and could bear not having sex with them for a week or more, that would tell me my mind had left the partnership and my body was following closely behind.I don't withhold intimacy as a tool to teach people a lesson. I have noticed that when I pull away physically it is usually because I don't know where I stand and I'd rather not invest so much of myself in that relationship again until I'm sure.

Fraulein
12-28-2008, 03:49 AM
The sweet things like hugging, kissing, etc. are still going strong.

It's the acts that can get rough (but still enjoyable) or demand personal respect (to avoid accidental injury) that I'm not very comfortable with right not. Those things demand a lot of respect, in my opinion. Anatomy plays a huge role, too. (pun intended)

scarletpeaches
12-28-2008, 03:56 AM
The fact you're not comfortable with intimacy and are not getting the respect you need to enable you to indulge should tell you all you need to know.

Phoebe H
12-28-2008, 04:21 AM
Staying in a failing marriage doesn't teach the kids anything except possibly how two people who no longer love and respect each other interact. I don't think that's a lesson I want to pass on to my children because they might believe that's how normal people interact. They might get the impression that is how two people who LOVE each other act.

And that's NOT the message I want to pass on.

Ditching a marriage teaches your kids that sometimes things just don't work out, people grow apart, people change, people fall out of love, and people deserve happiness.

I agree with this in general. Having said that...

At the end of the day, it is important for you to know that you did everything possible to make it work. That doesn't mean being a doormat, but it does mean giving the other person full knowledge of the situation, and the opportunity and tools to make things right.

Then if they don't...your conscience is clear. *And* you have taught your children both lessons: don't give up without a fight, but don't go down with a sinking ship.


I just think...it's emotionally exhausting trying to teach a man to be a man. Let him figure it out for himself or go find someone who's already what you want, rather than taking a jackass and trying to re-mould him.

One thing that we don't really know here is the ages of the people involved. My gut feeling would be different if this were, say, a 22 year-old guy who is still learning how to act as an adult vs a 32 year-old guy who really should have figured this out already. I'd probably have more patience with someone who is younger, and willing to change.

benbradley
12-28-2008, 05:11 AM
I do love him. Very much and vice versa (he feels the same, except that he acts like a jerk too). That's why I would rather fix what I think are problems. *sigh*
That stood out as bold for me, especially in the context of what everone else in this thread has said. It looks like you shouldn't think of things as just "what you think" are problems.