View Full Version : Stuff you never want to hear your coworkers say....

12-22-2008, 11:23 PM
(I realize some of this might overlap with the "kids" thread - especially for us administrative types...)

"Are printers supposed to smoke?"
(The sad part is that I started to reply "Not in the building - it has to go out to the courtyard." before it sunk in...)

"Is everything ready for the audit team coming in today?"
(WHAT audit team? I believe I have once again been denied critical, need-to-know information...)

"Ohmigod! Ohmigod! You have to call Emergency Control! There's a solvent leak in the building!"
(Dude, try General Tso's Chicken. Glad it wasn't my lunch.)

"Could you call Maintainance? I think I kinda accidentally sorta overflowed the toilet..."
(Dude, if it looks to big to flush - it is. And more to the point, why were you trying to flush a leftover eggroll?)

"Hey, Pagey? Is this your car on fire?"
(It wasn't, but you didn't want to hear the scream I let out. I'd just bought my car three weeks earlier...)

*Spoken very mildly and nonchalantly* "Uh, guys? We maybe better leave. The building's sort of, well - on fire."
(Five minutes later we realized he was serious...)

And while it may not count as a "phrase" per say, a ginormous crash in the supply room followed by an "Awwww, shit..." is never good.

12-22-2008, 11:25 PM
"You're not doing anything important tonight, are you?"

12-22-2008, 11:30 PM
The boss called us to a meeting just last week. He talked a lot (he enjoys the sound of his own voice), but I only caught two words:

"Blah, blah, blah, wage freeze, blah, blah."

12-22-2008, 11:31 PM
"I so enjoyed working with Ed."

12-22-2008, 11:37 PM
"Just a friendly warning--there's going to be some changes soon."

12-22-2008, 11:41 PM
"The Boss wants to see you. Now."

"I hope you didn't pay for your vacation yet..."

12-22-2008, 11:43 PM
"I downloaded my pictures from the Christmas party on the internet. Don't remember much, do you?"

12-22-2008, 11:43 PM
"As you know, there've been a lot of changes around here lately..."

"So, exactly how firm is that deadline you told me about last week?"

"You know, I've always admired the way you take bad news..."

"Ok, is it me or is the floor shaking?"

"I'm going now. You remember that _____'s office is the one with the bullet proof windows, right?"

12-22-2008, 11:46 PM
"Unless you want to move to India, you'll want to use your vacation time right away."

12-22-2008, 11:46 PM
This from a boss: "And I'd like a volunteer for a special project."

12-22-2008, 11:47 PM
You can cover for me, right?

12-22-2008, 11:48 PM
"Just this one time, I swear."

12-22-2008, 11:51 PM
Silence when you walk in a room and then "So, who's gonna tell him?"

12-22-2008, 11:52 PM
I found this on the copier. Is it your butt by any chance?

12-22-2008, 11:53 PM
"Remember how you told us not to click on those pop up windows?"

"The FBI called me this morning. They're on line three. They want to talk to you." (long story.)

"Who ate my kid's science experiment?"

(actually, that one was kind of fun.)

12-22-2008, 11:54 PM
I've finally figured out who's been stealing office supplies. Would you like to view the security tapes with me?

12-22-2008, 11:55 PM
Anything loud, personal and TMI for the workplace.

12-23-2008, 12:00 AM
IT Department, "You know we installed key stroke tracking software, right?"

12-23-2008, 12:04 AM
"I know you're really busy, but..."

12-23-2008, 12:06 AM
I'm pregnant with your child.

12-23-2008, 12:10 AM
"What the #$&% are you doing to yourself in those YouTube videos?"

"What are you doing looking at my videos on YouTube?"

*conversation abruptly ends*

12-23-2008, 12:12 AM
"I can think of a much better way for you to earn that raise."

"Hey! So I found your blog..."

"OMG, you're writing a book? Can I read it?"

12-23-2008, 12:20 AM
"Have I ever told you about that church that cures the gays?"

(Yes. True story. 20 minute lecture, in which I said not a word.)

12-23-2008, 12:25 AM
You don't mind if we store this stuff in your cube for now do you? It won't be bothering you after Friday anyway.

12-23-2008, 12:26 AM
Actually, I'll give you the first conversation at my office the morning.

"It's cold in here."

"Somebody turned the heater off on the way out the door Friday."

"It was five degrees last night."

"It's about that in here now."

We have an ancient steam heat system. In my office the radiator froze and cracked. Might have flooded the whole floor, but the water froze on the way out and just made a Barbie skating pond., and a cool set of icicles up to the radiator.

For those of you who don't know, I'm a network administrator. Half the network servers are in my office. And now they are all about four feet off the ground. And it's forty degrees in the building.


12-23-2008, 02:33 AM
One lovely morning a few jobs ago I walked in and was greeted with:
"Hey, guess what? I heard last night on Discovery Channel that the third leading cause of global warming is cows farting! Is that cool or what?!"

(Of course it did bring up an interesting historical question. Was the Great Chicago Fire really started by a cow "kicking over" a lantern in a barn, or was the fire in fact the result of an explosion?)

12-23-2008, 02:44 AM
"Hey. Want to join the (insert name here) Committee?"

12-23-2008, 02:54 AM
" . . . being laid off? When? Does he kno -- Sh! Sh! Here he comes!"

12-23-2008, 03:38 AM
I'm now your boss. Payback is a bitch.

12-23-2008, 04:47 AM
Here's your paychecks. Please don't cash them right away. There's no money in the account. We hope to make a deposit on Monday.
(Actually happened)

12-23-2008, 05:02 AM
You know that little windowless water closet in the basement next to the dumpster and sewage? Welcome to your new office.

12-23-2008, 05:11 AM
Here's your paychecks. Please don't cash them right away. There's no money in the account. We hope to make a deposit on Monday.
(Actually happened)

In the same vein, boss to chemical laboratory technician (aka me):

Here's a list of our creditors. Would you give them a call? We're going to have trouble paying you otherwise.

Me: No. Here's my two week's notice.

12-23-2008, 05:28 AM
"She had surgery the other day. Didn't go too well. *gory details*"

I swear I hear conversations similar to this at least twice a day. WHAT HAPPENED TO PROPRIETY, PEOPLE?!

12-23-2008, 05:35 AM
"She had surgery the other day. Didn't go too well. *gory details*"

Sounds like dinner at my grandma and grandpa's house...

12-23-2008, 05:37 AM
"She had surgery the other day. Didn't go too well. *gory details*"

I swear I hear conversations similar to this at least twice a day. WHAT HAPPENED TO PROPRIETY, PEOPLE?!

I was sitting at a restaurant a few weeks ago, and it must have been that same lady who was sitting at a table near me, chatting on her cell phone. When I'm at dinner, I don't want to listen to you talk on your cell phone, let alone about someone else's medical procedure...

12-23-2008, 06:51 AM
knock knock knock

Dr Rima?

Are you busy?

No, well, I have some concerns. Well, I thought maybe it's none of my business but then I was talking to staff member X and she thought I should say something. It's about staff member Y.

What's the problem? Well, there are some concerns. There was the incident on Tuesday with this staff member, then there have been several complaints from families. An incident report has been filed. I need to see if you have any questions or concerns.

(English translation: Nurse Practitioner Jones has FUBAR'd repeatedly).

Terza contemplates Japanese ritual self disembowelment, ponders the lost art of coming to the point.

Phoebe H
12-23-2008, 09:38 AM
"Why did all of today's orders disappear?"

(Answer: I saved the backup over the live version. Who can tell the difference between the i drive and the j drive in that font?)

"No, I never lock up the check stock, why?"

"Oh no, he's very reputable."

"You were out yesterday, so we're not allowed to talk to you until you meet with the boss."

12-23-2008, 10:13 AM
"you want to see a magic trick? Like, to see this pencil disappear..."

12-23-2008, 10:46 AM
Can we use the elevator after a bomb threat or do we have to take the stairs?

(really happened)

12-23-2008, 06:58 PM
I'll bet you're all wondering why I called this meeting...

12-23-2008, 10:04 PM
Ruth, could you please call 911? (From the usher, sometimes without telling me what's going on first--happens far more often than I'd like...)

12-23-2008, 10:18 PM
"I'm suing you for sexual harassment. You'll be hearing from my lawyer."

12-23-2008, 10:22 PM
"Shame about Ed. He must not have seen that plow. Hope he went fast and painlessly."

My luck then I'd haunt my freakin cube for all eternity.

12-23-2008, 11:19 PM
"Poor Ed. It was the ferret."

12-23-2008, 11:21 PM
"It's such a WONderful opportunity."

12-23-2008, 11:28 PM
I'll bet you're all wondering why we haven't been making any contributions to your 401ks these last few months.

(another actually happened)

12-23-2008, 11:32 PM
"Let's just call it retirement and avoid the lawyers."

12-23-2008, 11:44 PM
"Oh--I thought yesterday was supposed to be your last day..."

Mr Flibble
12-24-2008, 12:44 AM
'I found all these prints of a bare arse in the photocopier after the Office Party. They must be yours. No one else has an arse that big'

12-24-2008, 01:15 AM
"You know those reams of paper and boxes of stationaries you took home yesterday?... I forgot to tell you we installed CCTV last week."

12-24-2008, 01:22 AM
OK, you guys hold him and pull down his pants. I've got the grease gun.

Lyra Jean
12-24-2008, 01:51 AM
You have overtime. We need you take an hour and half for lunch today. (Lunches are an hour).
Just let them get a different movie. They didn't know it was in Spanish (dealing with "Pan's Labyrinth")

12-24-2008, 02:44 AM
Steer clear of the ladies' room, Mr. Bossman just walked out.

Mr Flibble
12-24-2008, 02:52 AM
'Well with the credit crunch, we have to evaluate every job and ensure it's necessary.' *zzzzzzzzzzzip* 'So, about your job. Persuade me.'