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Yeshanu
12-22-2008, 08:17 AM
So the Kid's bf was over for supper, and we got to talking, friendly-like, about religion, and he looked at my girl at one point and said, "Do you want to tell her, or should I?"

Now what he meant was for her to tell me he's an atheist (doesn't bother me in the least, btw), but that wasn't what first sprang to mind, even given the topic of conversation...

(My daughter turned bright red when she found out how I'd taken that statement. Her bf and I just laughed...)

Anyhow, what things wouldn't you want to hear coming from the mouth of your son or daughter?

scarletpeaches
12-22-2008, 08:20 AM
"I want to be just like you when I grow up."

Fraulein
12-22-2008, 08:44 AM
"I'm leaving you. They offered me a better gig with the circus."



On a more serious note, it would be "such and such drove drunk the last time we hung out."

Clair Dickson
12-22-2008, 08:50 AM
Taken from one of my students: "It feels so good to drive drunk-- open the window and it's great with the wind on your face and all."

Joe270
12-22-2008, 09:56 AM
Either 'I'm pregnant' or 'My gf is pregnant' top my list.

Don
12-22-2008, 03:30 PM
"Srsly, mom, we'll be fine. I'll just work at Wal-Mart until Johnny sells his first novel, and then we'll be rich"

CaroGirl
12-22-2008, 05:19 PM
"I don't need a high school diploma. I'm going to be a rock star!"

"Can you come downtown and bail me out?"

"I know I'm only 15, but having this baby won't ruin my life."

"The cops say she's 13. I swear she said she was 16. I swear."

"Sure Snake's in jail right now but he's getting out in a year and we're in love."

thethinker42
12-22-2008, 05:26 PM
"Mom, I'm not a virgin."

"I'm working in the porn business."

"Can't, I have a photo shoot with a nude model this weekend."

"I'm staying at [boyfriend's] house tonight."

"Can [boyfriend] stay here this weekend?" (Where will he be sleeping?) "My room." (And where will you be sleeping?) "My room."



My mom heard all of these when I was a teenager. It's a wonder she's not on medication. And it's no wonder at all why I'm not having kids...

Ol' Fashioned Girl
12-22-2008, 05:46 PM
"No!"
"I don't have to listen to you."
"I don't have to listen to you anymore. I'm all grown up."
"Gee, I wish I'd've listened to you."
"It's too late to listen to you now."
"Man, I'm sorry I didn't listen to you."

sissybaby
12-22-2008, 05:51 PM
I'm going way back - really way back - to when my oldest was about four. Her dad was in Korea, and I'd spent the entire week before setting up a new aquarium in her bedroom and filling it with exotic fish.

"Mom, where did all the water go?"

The water was dripping out of the light fixture in the ceiling of the family room below.

sissybaby
12-22-2008, 05:53 PM
Another one that was an expensive disaster.

"Mom, Johnny just sucked something up his nose and now he's making a really weird noise."

Turned out to be the little dice that went to one of their travel games. Never did discover why he decided to suck them up his nose.

DamaNegra
12-22-2008, 06:15 PM
"Mom, don't freak out, but...."

wordmonkey
12-22-2008, 06:24 PM
"I'm leaving you. They offered me a better gig with the circus."

What? I live for the day I hear that one!

I've been leaving the fliers for the circus on their pillows and pointing out the excellent opportunities for travel, learning new languages and developing interesting skill-sets.

DeleyanLee
12-22-2008, 06:25 PM
"Mama, why is the cat all sticky?" (said after male dog has had a--dominance issue with the cat)

thethinker42
12-22-2008, 06:27 PM
"I'm moving back home."

sunna
12-22-2008, 06:31 PM
"Mom, you remember when you said I could tell you anything?..."

NeuroFizz
12-22-2008, 06:43 PM
"But the place has really nice residents, and the staff will look after you. And there are so many activities you can join in on."

Shadow_Ferret
12-22-2008, 06:45 PM
"I cut my own hair."
"I threw a rock through the garage window."
"I scratched my name into the kitchen table with a scissors."
"You know that white tube outside grandpa's house? A golf ball fits in there perfectly."
"Is Magic Marker permanent?"

Oh, wait. He DID say all those things. Nevermind.

Cranky
12-22-2008, 06:46 PM
"Oops!"

That never ends up meaning anything good.

NeuroFizz
12-22-2008, 06:47 PM
"Why not? You say that word all the time!"

Plot Device
12-22-2008, 06:48 PM
"No!"
"I don't have to listen to you."
"I don't have to listen to you anymore. I'm all grown up."
"Gee, I wish I'd've listened to you."
"It's too late to listen to you now."
"Man, I'm sorry I didn't listen to you."


Best response of the lot.

sunna
12-22-2008, 06:48 PM
"How much does it cost to fix a transmission?"

"My meal card ran out."

"Have you ever heard of something called Western Union?"

Plot Device
12-22-2008, 06:51 PM
"Mom, last night there was this guy ... and ... "

Pagey's_Girl
12-22-2008, 06:53 PM
"YOU started the fire, YOU put it out!"

DeleyanLee
12-22-2008, 06:54 PM
Or the ever popular "I don't know...."

Shadow_Ferret
12-22-2008, 06:57 PM
My dad heard, "You know that 50 gallon drum of heating oil in the garage?..." as I was taking off my oil soaked tennis shoes.

Plot Device
12-22-2008, 07:00 PM
When I was in college about 300 miles from home, I flunked a bunch of classes all at one shot in one semester. I was so freaked. I called up a nearby married couple that I frequently babysat for and whom I had grown very close to. And I said the following on the phone to the wife without realizing how it sounded:

"I really need to talk to someone."

"What's wrong?"

"I don't want to say it on the phone so I'd rather wait until I get there to explain the details. But ... well ... I think I'm in trouble."

That night I showed up at their house, had dinner, and helped get the kids to bed. Then I sat down in the livingroom with the husband and the wife. The silence was deafening. They were glued to their seats in utter dread of what I was about to explain. And finally I said with downcast eyes in the most horrible shame and hesitation: "I failed four of my classes this semester."

I was convinced they would holler at me.

But instead I was confused to see them both let out sighs of relief and look at each other with grins.

Don
12-22-2008, 07:01 PM
Geesh, mom, it's not like it was the WHOLE football team! :e2brows:

Shadow_Ferret
12-22-2008, 07:23 PM
My wife to her parents, "Yes, I know he's an athiest, has a pierced ear, listens to heavy metal, and drinks too much, but it's not like I'm going to MARRY him."

CaroGirl
12-22-2008, 07:25 PM
My wife to her parents, "Yes, I know he's an athiest, has a pierced ear, listens to heavy metal, and drinks too much, but it's not like I'm going to MARRY him."
You wear an earring?

Shadow_Ferret
12-22-2008, 07:25 PM
Doesn't everybody?

CaroGirl
12-22-2008, 07:27 PM
Doesn't everybody?
Yeah...sure...

Shadow_Ferret
12-22-2008, 07:30 PM
Well, it showed in my old profile pic.

Pagey's_Girl
12-22-2008, 07:37 PM
"Hey mom? Remember our car?"

quickWit
12-22-2008, 07:40 PM
Grandma's hawt.

CaroGirl
12-22-2008, 07:40 PM
Well, it showed in my old profile pic.
I guess I just didn't realize ferrets wear earrings, that's all. :)

"Hey Mom, check out my new tattoo! Do you like how it covers the whole left side of my face?"

Shadow_Ferret
12-22-2008, 07:42 PM
"Hey mom? Remember our car?"
My mom after she got to work. "What's wrong with the car, it shimmied really bad on the freeway, I almost lost control."

Me: "Oh, yeah, about that."

NeuroFizz
12-22-2008, 07:44 PM
"Dad, I've found myself in a new spiritual place, and I'm going to this colony in Texas where others like me live in pursuit of our common goal. It's run by this incredible man named william haskins. Oh, yeah. I need you to pay a small tuition every month. And I need to bring a goat."

Maryn
12-22-2008, 08:15 PM
"I'm moving in with Shawn" scared the bejesus out of us. It was everything we guessed it might be. He still owes her hundreds and phones when he's really drunk to yell at her.

Maryn, who treated Shawn kindly while he lived with The Kid

DeleyanLee
12-22-2008, 08:27 PM
"Oh, God--gross! That's my MOM, dude!"

CaroGirl
12-22-2008, 08:34 PM
"Those needles aren't mine. I'm holding onto them for a friend."

(Okay, now I'm freaking myself out.)

Meerkat
12-22-2008, 08:36 PM
"I want pretty much everything for Christmas....everything except luggage."

Don
12-22-2008, 08:41 PM
Um... It's Oregano for your spice rack. Merry Christmas, mom!

Feiss
12-22-2008, 10:23 PM
Hey mom, you know you were thrilled when I said I got into a really exclusive program while I was away at college? It was rehab.

BenPanced
12-22-2008, 10:29 PM
"Mom, I really can't explain right now but do you have a credit card?"
"Dad, there are two guys out in the driveway trying to get into your car."
"Mom, where's the club soda?"
"Dad, do we have a fire extinguiser anywhere?"
"Mom, don't tell Dad but..."
"Dad, don't tell Mom but..."

Don
12-22-2008, 10:43 PM
Who's Uncle Hank, anyway? Sis just got in the car with him and they drove off.

Plot Device
12-22-2008, 11:09 PM
Phone messages?

Let me think.

Um, yeah, that's right. Some guy, named agent sombody, said he was with the IRA -- no, the IRS.

NeuroFizz
12-22-2008, 11:16 PM
"I don't care what you were into when you were my age, don't bring that blacklight into my bedroom." **spreads body out to cover the bedspread.**

mario_c
12-22-2008, 11:24 PM
Dad, do you have the number for the 'Dewy, Cheatem, Howe' law firm?

**************************************************

I would imagine. Actually I join parents in wanting to slap any teenager who responds to every instruction or suggestion with "Don't care". Or "Whatever".

regdog
12-22-2008, 11:33 PM
It's not that noticable.
But everyone has one.-IE Tattoo, body piercing, etc

mario_c
12-22-2008, 11:37 PM
Um... It's Oregano for your spice rack. Merry Christmas, mom!
What does it say about me, that it took me this long to get it? :ROFL:

DeleyanLee
12-22-2008, 11:38 PM
"Nothing."

"Why don't you believe me?"

Don
12-22-2008, 11:38 PM
What does it say about me, that it took me this long to get it? :ROFL:
:ROFL: :ROFL:

You been smokin' the Oregano again?

maestrowork
12-22-2008, 11:40 PM
"I'm a Republican."


(it's a joke, dudes! :) )

NeuroFizz
12-22-2008, 11:40 PM
"Before you say anything else, I found your journal from when you were in college. Interesting reading."

Cranky
12-22-2008, 11:44 PM
"So, um, you remember that money you sent me for textbooks? Yeah, well, you see there was this thing..."

Pagey's_Girl
12-22-2008, 11:45 PM
Um... It's Oregano for your spice rack. Merry Christmas, mom!

Maybe that explains why everyone was so crazy about the spaghetti and meatballs last night....

maestrowork
12-23-2008, 12:07 AM
Who's this Bubba guy you've been seeing, Dad? And does Mom know?

KikiteNeko
12-23-2008, 12:11 AM
"With the economy so bad and all, I figure I can just live here with you..."

Shadow_Ferret
12-23-2008, 12:29 AM
Well, Uncle Bob said oral sex isn't real sex.

BenPanced
12-23-2008, 12:36 AM
"Dad? Your wife Gloria's on the phone. No, it's not Mom."

"Mom? There's somebody here from the gas company. No, I didn't give you the messages because I figured you knew about them!"

KikiteNeko
12-23-2008, 01:50 AM
Well, Uncle Bob said oral sex isn't real sex.


Uncle Bob should be in jail.

bsolah
12-23-2008, 02:50 AM
"I really need to talk to someone."

...

My story is kind of in this vein.

From work one Monday, this May or June, I called up my parents and said, "Hey mum, mind if I come for dinner tonight? I need to tell you guys something."

"Everything ok?" My mum sounded worried.

This was like two months after I started dating my partner. So I caught the train out to my parents house. And standing the kitchen my parents looked freaked out of their minds.

"So, what was it you wanted to tell us?" Mum asked, still freaked.

"Um...I'm moving to Melbourne to live with Margo."

Relief washed over their face. "Oh...we thought that might be it. Thank god. At least she's not pregnant."

They repeated that last line a few times that night.

Yeshanu
12-23-2008, 05:08 AM
"Before you say anything else, I found your journal from when you were in college. Interesting reading."

Replace "journal from when you were in college" with "high school report card" for another one.

From a much younger child, "Mommy, that candy in Grandpa's night table doesn't taste very good."


(Segue to first time I got my stomach pumped...)

BenPanced
12-23-2008, 05:23 AM
"Mommy, Uncle Tom walks funny." (sound loudly in front of Uncle Tom who limps because he had polio as a child.)*

*swears this isn't a true story but doesn't expect anybody to believe him, really...

Joe270
12-23-2008, 08:48 AM
I don't have time to properly relate this, besides, it's already in one of my unpublished novels which is largely autobiographical. I might copy the whole bit to SYW sometime. The names have been changed to protect the guilty.

Short version, When I was a teen, my sister, my mother, and I all shared one car while my father had his at his disposal at all times, so there were fights over who got the car, usually between my sister and I. My sister wanted the car, and I argued that Sam and I had plans to go watch the submarine races (that's necking, sucking face, etc., for you younger folks). I recall her surprised look, and I did think it was odd that she just gave up the fight right then and so easily.

My father was seriously bummed out for a few days, but finally he came into my room and gave me a talking to, about how boys are boys and girls are girls, and innies and outies, and God's grand plans, etc. It took a while for me to get what was going on, and once I did, there was no way on God's green earth I would straighten him out right away. I wanted him to sweat it.

The next evening I brought my girlfriend over.

"I'd like ya'll to meet Samantha."

"Please, call me Sam, everyone does."

It was a priceless moment. Of course, we moved and I wound up with a different girlfriend named Danielle. Yep, you guessed it.