Things You Never Want to Hear a Pilot Say

"Good evening, this is your Captain. We'll be climbing to an altitude of-- HOLY SHIT!!!"

dead silence.

"... I'm sure you're all looking forward to a cozy and comfortable flight. HICCUP... Me? My wife just left me for an air traffic controller. That Bitch!! HICCUP... Sorry, I just can't live without her....."

I think the tuna tasted funny. Is there a doctor aboard?

Actually happened to me in November, but it was a flight attendant, not a pilot:

We were somewhere over the Pacific, hitting the worst turbulence I've ever experienced (like, seasoned travelers using airsickness bags, overhead compartments coming open, having to brace yourself to keep from hitting your face on the seat in front of you, etc). The flight attendant decided that would be an opportune time to come over the loudspeaker and say:

"Just a reminder...in the event of an emergency landing, please leave all carry-on ON the plane."

I was once in a little Cessna commuter plane, coming into Podunk, Nebraska. The pilot, who was sitting close enough for me to touch, said, "You know, folks, I think this could be a rough one. The landing gear doesn't seem to have descended. I think we've got ourselves a hydraulic leak."

That was all he said, kinda cozy, and about ten minutes later, he glided that little plane in, skidded down the tarmac, kicking up sparks and slid off the end of the runway into a field of corn. I had to climb over the panicked adult male sitting next to me (a fourteen-year old) in order to pop the door so we could get out of the plane.

I read this story and he was qualified, had over 30 years of commercial flying under his belt. But I believe it was something about the type of plane he was flying and the fog landing that he hadn't been tested for or something.

I do remember a few years ago a fellow pilot telling me a story about him having an emergency and needing to land PDQ. He pressed the button and said "It's okay folks, just have to land to check out a small electrical problem. We'll be serving tea and cakes once we touch down, it shouldn't take long." (or something to that affect) He then pressed the other button and said, "We have to land. NOW. I can't keep this plane in the air. Get all emergency vehicles scrambled and make ready for a crash landing."

Problem was, he got the buttons mixed up. He told the air traffic controllers about serving tea and cakes. The passengers got the 'crash' message in the back of the plane.

Last time I was on a plane, the pilot came over the intercom and said "Is there a doctor on the plane? Repeat, is there a doctor on the plane?"

Granted, I'm sure that happens rather often, but it certainly got everyone's attention.

"We're out of coffee."

jvc said:

I read this story and he was qualified, had over 30 years of commercial flying under his belt. But I believe it was something about the type of plane he was flying and the fog landing that he hadn't been tested for or something.

I do remember a few years ago a fellow pilot telling me a story about him having an emergency and needing to land PDQ. He pressed the button and said "It's okay folks, just have to land to check out a small electrical problem. We'll be serving tea and cakes once we touch down, it shouldn't take long." (or something to that affect) He then pressed the other button and said, "We have to land. NOW. I can't keep this plane in the air. Get all emergency vehicles scrambled and make ready for a crash landing."

Problem was, he got the buttons mixed up. He told the air traffic controllers about serving tea and cakes. The passengers got the 'crash' message in the back of the plane.

Click to expand...

I laugh, but only because I wasn't one of those passengers.

Sadly, I think everyone has covered stuff I wouldn't want to hear, short of the pilot getting his freak on instead of flying the plane...

Redzilla said:

That was all he said, kinda cozy, and about ten minutes later, he glided that little plane in, skidded down the tarmac, kicking up sparks and slid off the end of the runway into a field of corn.

Click to expand...

Oh isn't that fun??

I was on a plane landing in Saipan during the remnants of a typhoon. There's something very unsettling about a jumbo jet FISHTAILING down a runway...

How about: "Hello, this is Captain John Travolta and I'll be your pilot for this flight."

"I've never actually landed one of these. I was absent the day they taught us that."

When preparing to land in La Paz, Bolivia the Pilot said "We're not really falling out of the sky folks. It just feels that way."

Granted, I was sitting in the cockpit and saw him chuckle. But if I wasn't an aviation nut who knew about La Paz Airport, and had been sitting in the back, hearing that announcement...

Whoa, that was close!

WTF is that big bright light chasing us?

The MIG-21 off our left wing will be escorting us to a tropical landing field today, folks.

"This is the pilot speaking. . . we've unfortunately come a bit too close to another aircraft and we're experiencing some. . . technical difficulties."
An unusual sound emits from the fuselage of the jet. The overhead PA system is still on however,
"What the hell was that sound?"
**WHOOP**WHOOP**
**WARNING! WARNING!**
"Hold on, was that the wing?!"


That is a definite facepalm moment.

IT'S ON THE WING!!

Perhaps, "Hazkins wuz mean to me. Screw you guys!"

"Yeah, I know we're going down kind of fast. Listen, When I say "NOW", everybody jump up. Got it?"

On a trip to Vegas out of Chicago we hit a horrendous thunder and lightening storm. I of course was under the infuence and somewhat oblivious to the lights going on and off in the cabin, drinks popping out of the seat trays, and bolts of lighting striking the plane every other minute souding like the snap of a bull whip 2 inchs from your ear. My wife as well as everyone around us was in a panic. I took another shot and laughed at their silliness attempting to explain the pilots see these kinds of storms all the time and don't get bothered in the least by a little bad weather. About 15 minutes later we flew out of the storm and the pilot came on the radio and said," Wow, folks. I don't mind telling you that I never experianced a lightening storm like this in my 25 years of flying, the co-pilot is still prying my fingers of the controls, but it looks like the rest of the flight should be smooth sailing". I slunk down in my seat and didn't say anything the rest of the night......

I lost my contacts and can't see a thing.

"So, how long is this acid trip supposed to last, anyway?"

"Thank you for flying Icarus Airlines..."