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William Haskins
12-19-2008, 05:59 AM
A British passenger plane was forced to turn back minutes before landing in Paris because the pilot of 30 years' experience was not qualified to land in fog, an airline confirmed on Thursday.

Speaking over the address system as the Flybe flight approached Charles de Gaulle airport, the pilot announced to startled passengers "I am not qualified to land the plane" and turned back to Cardiff.

http://www.breitbart.com/article.php?id=081218122051.1u8i8nx3&show_article=1

what are other things you never want to hear a pilot say?

Williebee
12-19-2008, 06:14 AM
"Good evening, this is your Captain. We'll be climbing to an altitude of-- HOLY SHIT!!!"

dead silence.

Williebee
12-19-2008, 06:17 AM
"... I'm sure you're all looking forward to a cozy and comfortable flight. HICCUP... Me? My wife just left me for an air traffic controller. That Bitch!! HICCUP... Sorry, I just can't live without her....."

Don
12-19-2008, 06:18 AM
I think the tuna tasted funny. Is there a doctor aboard?

William Haskins
12-19-2008, 06:19 AM
"Good evening, this is your Captain. We'll be climbing to an altitude of-- HOLY SHIT!!!"

dead silence.


lol! the best part of this is it implies not a crash, but some crazy upward flight, and that makes it all the more twisted.

upon some reflection, i think i've come up with my top 5:

5. "this gin is blurring my vision."

4. "where's that thingie that makes the wheels come out?"

3. "hand me that parachute."

2. "i shouldn't have taken that second hit of acid."

and, of course:

1. "allahu akbar!"

thethinker42
12-19-2008, 06:21 AM
Actually happened to me in November, but it was a flight attendant, not a pilot:

We were somewhere over the Pacific, hitting the worst turbulence I've ever experienced (like, seasoned travelers using airsickness bags, overhead compartments coming open, having to brace yourself to keep from hitting your face on the seat in front of you, etc). The flight attendant decided that would be an opportune time to come over the loudspeaker and say:

"Just a reminder...in the event of an emergency landing, please leave all carry-on ON the plane."
:scared::Wha::e2thud::e2cry:

Red-Green
12-19-2008, 06:21 AM
I was once in a little Cessna commuter plane, coming into Podunk, Nebraska. The pilot, who was sitting close enough for me to touch, said, "You know, folks, I think this could be a rough one. The landing gear doesn't seem to have descended. I think we've got ourselves a hydraulic leak."

That was all he said, kinda cozy, and about ten minutes later, he glided that little plane in, skidded down the tarmac, kicking up sparks and slid off the end of the runway into a field of corn. I had to climb over the panicked adult male sitting next to me (a fourteen-year old) in order to pop the door so we could get out of the plane.

jvc
12-19-2008, 06:21 AM
I read this story and he was qualified, had over 30 years of commercial flying under his belt. But I believe it was something about the type of plane he was flying and the fog landing that he hadn't been tested for or something.

I do remember a few years ago a fellow pilot telling me a story about him having an emergency and needing to land PDQ. He pressed the button and said "It's okay folks, just have to land to check out a small electrical problem. We'll be serving tea and cakes once we touch down, it shouldn't take long." (or something to that affect) He then pressed the other button and said, "We have to land. NOW. I can't keep this plane in the air. Get all emergency vehicles scrambled and make ready for a crash landing."

Problem was, he got the buttons mixed up. He told the air traffic controllers about serving tea and cakes. The passengers got the 'crash' message in the back of the plane.

JoNightshade
12-19-2008, 06:26 AM
Last time I was on a plane, the pilot came over the intercom and said "Is there a doctor on the plane? Repeat, is there a doctor on the plane?"

Granted, I'm sure that happens rather often, but it certainly got everyone's attention.

Devil Ledbetter
12-19-2008, 06:29 AM
"We're out of coffee."

Cranky
12-19-2008, 06:29 AM
I read this story and he was qualified, had over 30 years of commercial flying under his belt. But I believe it was something about the type of plane he was flying and the fog landing that he hadn't been tested for or something.

I do remember a few years ago a fellow pilot telling me a story about him having an emergency and needing to land PDQ. He pressed the button and said "It's okay folks, just have to land to check out a small electrical problem. We'll be serving tea and cakes once we touch down, it shouldn't take long." (or something to that affect) He then pressed the other button and said, "We have to land. NOW. I can't keep this plane in the air. Get all emergency vehicles scrambled and make ready for a crash landing."

Problem was, he got the buttons mixed up. He told the air traffic controllers about serving tea and cakes. The passengers got the 'crash' message in the back of the plane.

I laugh, but only because I wasn't one of those passengers.

Sadly, I think everyone has covered stuff I wouldn't want to hear, short of the pilot getting his freak on instead of flying the plane...

thethinker42
12-19-2008, 06:30 AM
That was all he said, kinda cozy, and about ten minutes later, he glided that little plane in, skidded down the tarmac, kicking up sparks and slid off the end of the runway into a field of corn.

Oh isn't that fun??

I was on a plane landing in Saipan during the remnants of a typhoon. There's something very unsettling about a jumbo jet FISHTAILING down a runway...

jvc
12-19-2008, 06:34 AM
How about: "Hello, this is Captain John Travolta and I'll be your pilot for this flight."

rhymegirl
12-19-2008, 06:35 AM
"I've never actually landed one of these. I was absent the day they taught us that."

Sarita
12-19-2008, 06:39 AM
When preparing to land in La Paz, Bolivia the Pilot said "We're not really falling out of the sky folks. It just feels that way."

Granted, I was sitting in the cockpit and saw him chuckle. But if I wasn't an aviation nut who knew about La Paz Airport, and had been sitting in the back, hearing that announcement... :D

Don
12-19-2008, 06:40 AM
Whoa, that was close!

WTF is that big bright light chasing us?

The MIG-21 off our left wing will be escorting us to a tropical landing field today, folks.

Roca Fella Bryan
12-19-2008, 06:50 AM
"This is the pilot speaking. . . we've unfortunately come a bit too close to another aircraft and we're experiencing some. . . technical difficulties."
An unusual sound emits from the fuselage of the jet. The overhead PA system is still on however,
"What the hell was that sound?"
**WHOOP**WHOOP**
**WARNING! WARNING!**
"Hold on, was that the wing?!"


That is a definite facepalm moment.

thethinker42
12-19-2008, 07:06 AM
IT'S ON THE WING!!

C.bronco
12-19-2008, 07:06 AM
Perhaps, "Hazkins wuz mean to me. Screw you guys!"

William Haskins
12-19-2008, 07:07 AM
IT'S ON THE WING!!

http://i187.photobucket.com/albums/x89/edwardbayntun/interview/John-Lithgow-Joker.jpg

Williebee
12-19-2008, 07:16 AM
"Yeah, I know we're going down kind of fast. Listen, When I say "NOW", everybody jump up. Got it?"

Don Allen
12-19-2008, 07:25 AM
On a trip to Vegas out of Chicago we hit a horrendous thunder and lightening storm. I of course was under the infuence and somewhat oblivious to the lights going on and off in the cabin, drinks popping out of the seat trays, and bolts of lighting striking the plane every other minute souding like the snap of a bull whip 2 inchs from your ear. My wife as well as everyone around us was in a panic. I took another shot and laughed at their silliness attempting to explain the pilots see these kinds of storms all the time and don't get bothered in the least by a little bad weather. About 15 minutes later we flew out of the storm and the pilot came on the radio and said," Wow, folks. I don't mind telling you that I never experianced a lightening storm like this in my 25 years of flying, the co-pilot is still prying my fingers of the controls, but it looks like the rest of the flight should be smooth sailing". I slunk down in my seat and didn't say anything the rest of the night......

DL Hegel
12-19-2008, 07:45 AM
I lost my contacts and can't see a thing.

thethinker42
12-19-2008, 08:02 AM
"So, how long is this acid trip supposed to last, anyway?"

Jcomp
12-19-2008, 08:09 AM
"Thank you for flying Icarus Airlines..."

thethinker42
12-19-2008, 08:16 AM
"Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen...my name is thethinker42, and I will be your captain today. Your co-pilot is scarletpeaches..."

Yeshanu
12-19-2008, 08:22 AM
"Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen...my name is thethinker42, and I will be your captain today. Your co-pilot is scarletpeaches..."

Is it to late to bail? Where's my parachute, anyhow...

Williebee
12-19-2008, 08:24 AM
"What? What do you mean we're in Cleveland?"

Pat~
12-19-2008, 08:25 AM
There are a lot of things I don't want to hear pilots say. Similar to things I don't want to ever hear my doctors say:

--"Oops."

--"I have good news and bad news."

--"[insert swear word of choice here]!!"

Phrases like "too much pressure" or "low on oxygen" or "we're somewhat overweight" might make me nervous, too.

Pilots earn the big bucks for flying, not for chatting up the passengers. So if they interrupt my reading during the flight, it's either to announce something dire in an offhand manner, or it's part of their script at the end of the flight, thanking us for choosing them to fly with...(neither of which I particularly want to hear).

Blake M. Petit
12-19-2008, 08:35 AM
"Whaddaya know? They really do look like ants from up here..."

Appalachian Writer
12-19-2008, 08:35 AM
How about: "Hello, this is Captain John Travolta and I'll be your pilot for this flight."

Now this is scary!

thethinker42
12-19-2008, 08:38 AM
Wait, aren't we supposed to be ABOVE those mountains?

Appalachian Writer
12-19-2008, 08:39 AM
http://www.breitbart.com/article.php?id=081218122051.1u8i8nx3&show_article=1

what are other things you never want to hear a pilot say?

"not qualified to land the plane." What happened when he reached Cardiff? Just asking.

Williebee
12-19-2008, 08:45 AM
Ya' know, the first thing I thought of when I read the first entry in the thread was:

"This is a British plane, a British pilot, and he's not rated for landing in FOG?"

thethinker42
12-19-2008, 08:58 AM
I was flying into Minneapolis-St Paul one time, and I guess the guy in front of me either was a pilot, or knew a lot about aviation. For whatever reason, he decided to criticize every move our pilot made, turning around to talk to the guy sitting across the aisle from me, so I heard everything. (I'm afraid of flying, so I was NOT enjoying this)

He said: "See, the thing about MSP is that it has this really weird haze. If you're flying one direction, you can see everything, including planes coming at you. If you're flying the other direction, you can't see ANYTHING. Right now, we're flying into the haze, so the pilot probably can't see anything except what's on the radar."

He turned around, then thought of something else to add, turned around...



...and the beverage cart smacked him in the face.


PWNED.

NeuroFizz
12-19-2008, 01:31 PM
I believe this is an urban legend, but it was told to me as a real experience, and it's funny, not scary.

Pilot gives usual details of flight instructions over intercom but forgets to it turn off: "What I could use now is a cup of coffee and a good blow job."

As one of the flight attendants hurries up the aisle toward the cockpit, presumably to inform the pilot about the intercom, a passenger leans into the aisle and shouts: "Don't forget the coffee."

Vincent
12-19-2008, 02:03 PM
http://www.worth1000.com/entries/247500/247657chJG_w.jpg

astonwest
12-20-2008, 01:20 AM
"Ooooooh, look at all the pretty colored lights..."

"We're going to be maneuvering around some light turbulence...<airplane jerks around and loses about 1000 feet of altitude)...Well, crap, didn't see that one."

My favorite is one my dad told me about...on a four-engined jumbo jet, just after an engine died.

"Sorry, folks. Nothing to worry about. This plane is designed to fly on three engines, but it's going to take us a bit longer to reach our destination."

<little while later, after another engine dies>

"Well, folks. We've lost another engine. Nothing to worry about. This plane is designed to fly on two engines, but it's going to take us a bit longer..."

<little while later, after a third engine dies>

"Well, folks, we're down to one engine. Nothing to worry about. This plane is designed to fly on a single engine..."

At which point, one of the passengers calls out "Hope we don't lose that last engine, or it's going to take FOREVER to get there."

Serenity
12-20-2008, 01:47 AM
"Wow, the control panel's really lit up like a Christmas tree tonight, isn't it?"

Jcomp
12-20-2008, 02:47 AM
"That's no moon..."

Pagey's_Girl
12-20-2008, 06:56 PM
"Does anyone know which way the airport is?"
Seriously, I heard a story some years ago about a British pilot on a commuter-type flight getting lost, running out of fuel and having to glide the plane to a landing in some poor farmer's field. Oopsie...

Don
12-20-2008, 07:07 PM
I'd be most concerned if I heard a stewardess come on and say:

"Is there a pilot aboard?"

robeiae
12-20-2008, 07:38 PM
"Jiggle your @ss to the left a little, honey. I can't see the instruments."

Toothpaste
12-20-2008, 10:15 PM
Bob Newhart did a great routine of a pilot announcement before take off. I can't remember verbatim, but I always like the bit that went something like this: "In the event of an emergency the co-pilot will go running screaming up and down the aisles. . . at least that's what he's done in the past . . ."

donroc
12-20-2008, 11:11 PM
"Abdul, I have the controls now."

astonwest
12-20-2008, 11:55 PM
To the co-pilot: "I thought you brought the charts..."

WerenCole
12-21-2008, 12:17 AM
Not going to read this thread since I am getting on a plane tomorrow.

Susie
12-21-2008, 12:36 AM
"Oi! That was stupid!"

regdog
12-21-2008, 01:28 AM
"Do you have any idea where we are?"

"Where are the breaks on this stupid thing?"

"Stupid control panel. What are all these knobs, dials and gauges for anyway?"

"This thing just doesn't work, damn it." Followed by banging sound.

JulieB
12-22-2008, 06:55 AM
These both happened to me, on separate flights to LA.

The first was a Southwest flight. The attendant was going through the safety lecture: "...and in the event of a water landing, your seat cushion can be used as a floatation device ... but it doesn't matter because we're all gonna die anyway."

The second flight was a larger airline. We were on a DC-10, and just as the crew started to serve beverages - BAM! - one of the engines blew out. The plane dropped a bit, but I've seen worse. The flight attendants both looked at each other and one mouthed: "Holy sh*t!"

The drinks should have been free at that point.

astonwest
12-22-2008, 09:09 PM
When designing aircraft:

"I'm not really sure I like the way that looks."

Guaranteed you'll be spending another 3-6 months figuring out a new way to make it look
:rolleyes:

Haggis
12-22-2008, 09:26 PM
How about: "Hello, this is Captain John Travolta and I'll be your pilot for this flight."

Better than John Denver, I suppose.

Comedian Shelley Berman used to tell a story about a flight he once took from New York to LA. He asked the Stewardess (they called them that back then) what time they'd be landing. She replied, "I don't know. We've never made it before."