Peer Support

Stubbornness. I want to prove everyone wrong, make 'em all jealous and shit on 'em from a very great height when I attain the fame, fortune and groupies to which I am undeniably entitled.

Stubborn for me too. My dad once told me a year or so back that writers are a dime a dozen and that I should quit wasting my time and focus on my 'real job' and my family.

I want to spit in the face of adversity and make him eat dirt

I'm in a mid-life slump. I have basically not acheived a single goal I had for myself and I hit 40 this year. My goals were lofty, but I had hopes. I can understand the feeling and its awful but it only serves to slow you down. Somewhere in this idiotic brain of mine, I somehow perceived that my goals would be reached before I got old. At the time I set those goals, 40 wasn't even in the equation. I'm working on shaking that silliness off, but it sure did have an impact on my writing.

Other than that, get pissed That always works well to get me going.

I imagine having support would be great. My husband supports pretty much everything I do with "That's great, honey." He's not interested in my genre and isn't worth much as a beta reader.

I don't write because other people approve. I write because I love to do it. If no one ever read or published my work, I would still write because I love to.

I'm sure there are authors who are successful without having support in whatever form they desire. I hope to be one of them someday (as in novels paying my bills successful.)

WackAMole said:

Stubborn for me too...

I want to spit in the face of adversity and make him eat dirt

...get pissed That always works well to get me going.

Click to expand...

Is that all? I want to bathe in my enemies' blood.

overtired said:

One of NZ's most successful writers, C. K. Stead, recently said that in order to be a successful writer you need to be sanctioned by someone.

Click to expand...

Sounds like someone lucky enough to have support and unintentionally putting it in the face of everyone without.

Did she struggle for years without sanction? Has she seen both sides of the coin? Or is she just assuming?

scarletpeaches said:

Is that all? I want to bathe in my enemies' blood.

Click to expand...

rofl. I can be taught.

Bahamutchild said:

Sounds like someone lucky enough to have support and unintentionally putting it in the face of everyone without.

Did she struggle for years without sanction? Has she seen both sides of the coin? Or is she just assuming?

Click to expand...

It seems that a lot of people that find success, pitch the path of success as being the one they took. Not everyone finds success the same way. Some get lucky, some have connections, and some are just that good.

I still believe that it doesn't matter how you get there, it's how much you sweated and bled along the way.

Well you're here, and we're a supportive bunch. Maybe you can find sanction with us. Hope so.

When I first started writing, I asked my mother if she would like to read my manuscript. She said that when it was published and in Barnes and Noble, then she'd read it.

I'm still not sure if that was supposed to be encouragement along the lines of really, really tough love, or whether she genuinely didn't like me writing (she wanted me to get a PhD instead).

Then when I moved back home, she told me that if her friends asked, I was not allowed to tell them I had unpublished manuscripts, because that was embarrassing.

Fortunately I have a good friend who likes but critiques my work, and a supportive community here.

I do believe it's a tough row to hoe without anyone at all believing in you.

And that's what we're for! ::hands you chocolate courage::

Just realize as a writer, you will find your most support among other writers. No one else is crazy enough in the right way.

This is why you stay active in a forum like AW. Writers support writers. Anything else is gravy.

(During my baby shower, my friends distributed a quiz about me. One of the questions was, "How long has Jackie been working on her novel?" And the "correct" answer was: Forever. Hah fucking hah.)

Find a writers group. Or form one, whether you meet in a cafe or online. Or take a class just for the sake of meeting other writers. The group I'm in arose from writing workshops we all took from an amazing woman, Stephanie Moore. When Stephanie passed away several years ago, we stayed together. They are wonderful as critiquers, but perhaps more importantly, they're wonderful emotional support.

When I was married, my husband had no interest in my writing. I found support in my mother when I made her read my 3rd manuscript as a beta reader!! She still hasn't read my published eBook, and won't unless it comes out in print. My best support comes from writing groups like AW. I found a great critique partner here from the Beta Read forum. You should post over there or search for others looking for a critique partner in the same genre.

That does sound tough. I do think that a writers group is invaluable (as is AW). My writing improved dramatically when I started subjecting it to weekly criticism. Half the time our writing group meetings are basically high-falutin' support groups, where we tell each other there is simply no alternative to keeping on.

As for having friends read your work, that's great, but friends and family are notoriously unreliable when it comes to rendering honest opinions. This is not their fault: they love and care about you, and don't want to hurt you. Writers group members (hopefully) have no such reservations, and will gladly (and sometimes gleefully) tear apart your writing. This is a good thing, and it is support. Honesty helps you improve, and when a writing group member who has eviscerated your work before has praise, well, then you know you've actually written something good.

Unfortunately a lot of people will treat your writing as a "hobby" or something "cute" until you're published, and even then may not be supportive. Most of us won't end up with the million-dollar advance, after all!

Meet writers. Seriously, they are the only ones who understand what it's like to write, query, get rejected, and then pick yourself up again and repeat the process.

As for not believing in yourself enough, well, welcome to the nefarious and cruel world of writers! We all feel that way. Write through it. It will come and go.

Best of luck,
Alex

Alex Schroeder said:

As for having friends read your work, that's great, but friends and family are notoriously unreliable when it comes to rendering honest opinions. Alex

Click to expand...

Unless you are in a critique group with your brother.

I agree with Alex. As for the hobby, it really is annoying when people think of it that way. My husband called writing my hobby until I started querying my novel and getting rejections. I think of it this way: If you are trying to make a living from your hobby, it is no longer a hobby. It is a pursuit.

Good luck finding the support you need, overtired. You can always find it here on AW!

overtired said:

One of NZ's most successful writers, C. K. Stead, recently said that in order to be a successful writer you need to be sanctioned by someone. He then went on to praise the support of his wife (I believe he was talking about his Booker Prize nomination).

This upset me a bit as I am sanctioned by no one. My husband is dyslexic and the only book he's ever read was Spaceballs. Support from him consists of 'that's nice dear'. My best friend will only read chick lit, and the two other friends I convinced to read my manuscript only had comments of 'that was cool'. My biggest supporter, my brother, has a wife and daughter in therapy and no time to read anything.

Sometimes I find it hard to keep going when I don't even know if I'm wasting my time. The only reason I do is that the thought of spending the next thirty years in banking makes me want to top myself.

Does anyone else agree with this? Has anyone here been successful on their own, without outside support? How do you keep going?

Maybe I just don't believe in myself enough...
But if that's true, then how could I ever be successful?


Okay, miseryguts venting over.

Click to expand...

I disagree. Sometimes, like others have said, you just HAVE to be stubborn.

But, yeah. There is that whole "I'll show 'em!" attitude when it comes to having preseverance in pursuing your success. I've had to deal with people saying I will fail and siblings(!) laughing off my dreams and calling what I do "doing stuff on the computer."

Not everybody has the support that they need, and could really use, to make their dreams a reality. My own husband never reads my writing, but at the same time, he respects what I do. He won't complain if I'm hard at work on a manuscript (unless he wants to check his email for, oh, the twentieth time that day -- ha!) and he'll pretty much go over the facts with me about things if I get stuck. Other than that, though, he considers what I do just something to kill the boredom associated with being a SAHM.

Anyway, like I said, I don't agree. What he said is NOT fact, but opinion.

I like to think of the story/movie The Pursuit of Happyness. I mean, look at Chris Gardner. His own wife left him. He was homeless while working WITHOUT PAY. But he did this because he knew it WOULD pay in the end. He believed in himself despite everything. Despite even having a child to keep fed and clothed. He never gave up in pursuing his dream -- and in the end, he MADE IT.

All writers churning away at their dreams will make it too in the end, even if they have to make it alone. The key is to never stop believing in yourself. Sometimes, you need to be your own support system.

And AW is definitely the place to be for support!!

I've discovered that when I'm happy with my life without the writing it's much easier for me to sit down and write and be positive about it.

Enjoy the process, and the end result will be better.

My two cents.

I've got to say, I think the exact opposite of what that author said is true. Sure, it is nice to have support and support can come in all kinds of ways and flavours. But the only one who can truly sanction you is yourself. I know people who have succeeded amazingly in their professions but who are still looking for sanction and affirmation from the outside and who are, frankly, miserable because of it.

If you can't learn how to sanction yourself, nothing you get from the outside is ever going to be enough.

There are those moments....

I'm divorced, and my ex was never any help. So when I read about people who get to QUIT THEIR JOBS to stay home and WRITE because their dear spouses support them so much, I do want to grab my Uzi and.... Well, no, actually, I just grab a Snickers.

I live a totally secret life. None of my friends or coworkers know that I write. Because they will either think it's cute, and I'll be pissed off, or they'll want to "support" me by asking how it's going and I don't need constant reminders that I'm still not published. So I talk to writers here online, and I try to get to one writing conference a year and be in the same room as Real Writers.

As for family--my boys don't really want to read any more of my stuff, but they do want to know when I'm gonna get that 6-figure advance...

I originally wasn't going to respond to this, but I'm afraid several posts here struck a nerve, so be prepared for a bit of a .

I spent the better part of five years writing in bits and pieces---before work, after work, on weekends. My hubby didn't really understand and felt a bit . . . well, "threatened" by the writing. It took away time from what little I had to give the house. The dishes didn't get done, the laundry might sit for days. Some bills went late because I didn't have time to sit down and write checks. I understood that, and struggled mightily to keep the impact away from the household. So, I'd get up at 4:00 a.m., before anyone else and I'd plop down at the computer. I'd write on my lunch and for a few minutes after work.

I did three novels that way, in three years.

Then came the first acceptance. But suddenly I couldn't "fit in" the publishing requirements with my schedule. I already worked a 12-14 hour day at a law office, and while I didn't have children, I was President of our water board, served on the board of three organizations and was a County Planning Commissioner. How was I going to fit in the edits, and the copy edits and the galley edits and the promotion (build a website, add content and manage signings) when I was already out of the house from 5:30 a.m. to 7:30 p.m.?

It made me (according to my now-co-author) a little . . . "snappish." (eg., big, honking carnivores ran from me with tails between legs. )

My DH gave me as much "support" as he could, once his own day was done (which it never was.)

That was when I made the very, VERY hard decision to give up my job to try the writing full time. In one fell swoop, I went from $50K a year to a whopping $8K (after writing expenses.)

"Support" only goes so far, and the credit cards racked up far too quickly, because there's no way NOT to live on credit cards when you only get checks every 6-9 months. The power company has no sense of humor about that. So, now, five years later, I've got all the warm fuzzies in the world, and an additional paycheck, and EVEN with the book contracts steadily going up in price, I STILL had to go back to work to keep the bills paid.

For all of you who feel that a "secret life" is required in order to write, I'm sorry. Truly. I know many people who have people in their life who truly don't understand that writing is important. To this day, with six contracts under my belt, I have to explain that people really DO buy books about monsters having sex!

But I absolutely REFUSE to keep silent about writing. I shout it from the rooftops and if people find it cute or inconsequential, that's their problem. It's important---both to me as a person, and to those readers who like to escape with books. So, for all those lurkers out there, please consider NOT hiding. NOT explaining, and NOT excusing. This can be the year you give yourself the ultimate holiday gift. It's non-fattening, non-addictive and, best of all . . . FREE! It's:

Permission.

You have permission NOT to be published until you are. You have permission NOT to be angry about other people's opinions. You have permission NOT to be afraid of what people think. You even have permission to take the writing as seriously as every other thing in your life.

Just for a year. Give it a try. It might become a habit that will serve you well in the future.

Believing in yourself is the first thing, in my opinion. It's nice to have someone fawn over our work though. I understand that. Start a writers group in your town. In our little burg of 25 year-round residents, we have a writers group! Put an ad in your paper and see what response you get or put up a notice in the library. New friends, expertise (hopefully) in critquing, and yes, a bit of fawning over your work is what you may end up with.

If nothing else, there's AW to give you a hug or a boot in the backside.

But I absolutely REFUSE to keep silent about writing. I shout it from the rooftops and if people find it cute or inconsequential, that's their problem. It's important---both to me as a person, and to those readers who like to escape with books. So, for all those lurkers out there, please consider NOT hiding. NOT explaining, and NOT excusing. This can be the year you give yourself the ultimate holiday gift. It's non-fattening, non-addictive and, best of all . . . FREE! It's:

Permission.

Click to expand...

I'm glad that works for you. I find that I am much happier writing for myself, because I want to write. I don't really need or want to shout it from the rooftops. When I am published someday and have a real, live, solid book in my hands that other people can go to their local library and read, well, then, yes, I'll shout about it. But what other people think, either way, has nothing to do with my writing. It isn't something I'm hiding. It's just something no one else needs to know, unless they are a fellow writer who can teach me something about the craft.