I've completed my first draft of 'Twisted Temptation', but I must say, i'm not so good with placing commas.
I don't overly need someone to read the whole MS, if they don't want to. I just need, more than anything, someone that is good with grammar. So, if they don't want to spend time reading the whole MS, I can send them certain parts where I'm not too sure about the placing of commas, etc.
I would be extremely greatful for this. I'm not asking for someone to just polish the grammar off. I'm hoping that i'm able to learn from certain mistakes, so i can correct them in the rest of the MS, myself.
It's a YA fantasy (50K) about a boy, whose homelife has taught him to rely on only himself. But, when he meets his missing best friend's ex-boyfriend, Leo, his world gets turned upside down. His reality is shattered as he learns about guardians, and what really happened to his missing friend. Throughout the book Daniel learns to rely on others, and even how to love.
^
Okay, i've never been great with descriptions. I'll post the first couple of hundred words, to hopfully interest someone
.
Chapter one
I stirred around for those first five perfect seconds, when you can’t
remember anything, and the only thing you have to worry about is getting
up from the comfort of your mattress. Those five seconds ticked by far
too quickly, and soon had me remembering the events from the night
before.
I opened my eyes, and through a blurred vision, gazed around my tidy
bedroom. My clothes were all tucked away in my wardrobe and draws. All
rubbish was in the small bin, in the corner of the room, and everything had
been freshly dusted.
The corners of my eyes, and the sides of my face, felt red raw. I knew
why. It was all due to another night of crying myself to sleep. I couldn’t
even remember drifting off, which explained why I still had my clothes
on from the day before.
I rolled over on my side and blinked tiredly at the alarm clock. I only had
ten minutes until I was supposed to be up, so as I was already awake, I
decided to just start getting ready. I sat up, stretched and yawned,
before rubbing the sleep out of my eyes.
While stretching my arm knocked something off my bedside table. I bent
down tiredly and picked it up. It was a picture of me and my two best
friends, Susie and Katie. I looked at it and smiled.
A lot of people at school would say I was ‘gay’, just because my two best
friends were girls. I didn’t care, I knew it wasn’t true, and the people at
school probably knew it as well.
The picture had been taken a couple of months earlier, when we had gone
to a theme park in the summer holiday. I stood with my arms looped
around both of their shoulders, and held my thumbs up to the camera.
They were both waving with one arm, and hugging me with the other. All
three of us had the biggest grins you would ever see.
My smile dropped as I looked at Katie. Seeing her rosy cheeks and blonde
hair, even in a picture, reminded me of the good times - when it was still
the three of us. I felt a lump start to emerge in my throat, so I put the
picture back down.
Thank you
XX
I don't overly need someone to read the whole MS, if they don't want to. I just need, more than anything, someone that is good with grammar. So, if they don't want to spend time reading the whole MS, I can send them certain parts where I'm not too sure about the placing of commas, etc.
I would be extremely greatful for this. I'm not asking for someone to just polish the grammar off. I'm hoping that i'm able to learn from certain mistakes, so i can correct them in the rest of the MS, myself.
It's a YA fantasy (50K) about a boy, whose homelife has taught him to rely on only himself. But, when he meets his missing best friend's ex-boyfriend, Leo, his world gets turned upside down. His reality is shattered as he learns about guardians, and what really happened to his missing friend. Throughout the book Daniel learns to rely on others, and even how to love.
^
Okay, i've never been great with descriptions. I'll post the first couple of hundred words, to hopfully interest someone
.Chapter one
I stirred around for those first five perfect seconds, when you can’t
remember anything, and the only thing you have to worry about is getting
up from the comfort of your mattress. Those five seconds ticked by far
too quickly, and soon had me remembering the events from the night
before.
I opened my eyes, and through a blurred vision, gazed around my tidy
bedroom. My clothes were all tucked away in my wardrobe and draws. All
rubbish was in the small bin, in the corner of the room, and everything had
been freshly dusted.
The corners of my eyes, and the sides of my face, felt red raw. I knew
why. It was all due to another night of crying myself to sleep. I couldn’t
even remember drifting off, which explained why I still had my clothes
on from the day before.
I rolled over on my side and blinked tiredly at the alarm clock. I only had
ten minutes until I was supposed to be up, so as I was already awake, I
decided to just start getting ready. I sat up, stretched and yawned,
before rubbing the sleep out of my eyes.
While stretching my arm knocked something off my bedside table. I bent
down tiredly and picked it up. It was a picture of me and my two best
friends, Susie and Katie. I looked at it and smiled.
A lot of people at school would say I was ‘gay’, just because my two best
friends were girls. I didn’t care, I knew it wasn’t true, and the people at
school probably knew it as well.
The picture had been taken a couple of months earlier, when we had gone
to a theme park in the summer holiday. I stood with my arms looped
around both of their shoulders, and held my thumbs up to the camera.
They were both waving with one arm, and hugging me with the other. All
three of us had the biggest grins you would ever see.
My smile dropped as I looked at Katie. Seeing her rosy cheeks and blonde
hair, even in a picture, reminded me of the good times - when it was still
the three of us. I felt a lump start to emerge in my throat, so I put the
picture back down.
Thank you
XX
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