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Haggis
12-08-2008, 04:29 PM
I really wish cray would stop writing these things. It cuts in to my mornings when I have to come here and post them.

And if he has to keep writing them, why can't he post them himself?

I'm sure Jay and RT are just as troubled about this as I am.

Anyhow, here it is, Chapter nine.

In which nothing much happens.

Just like the other chapters.




Chapter Nine


Unlike mere mortals, heroes are not born from mere flesh. They are shaped; honed from the sterner stuff beyond the reach of normal mankind; wrought from the bitter quandaries and failed aspirations this existence called life forces upon them.

Theirs is the story of great suffering. The story, of how such mundane souls manage to rise above the incredible trepidations of their painful experiences.
The story, of how all who follow the path of honesty, who strive to climb the steep steps of ambiguity, who fear not the pain of personal sacrifice but aspire to try; try again and again, to reach that level of perfection that is unknowable to all those pathetic of such spirit.

If our budget allowed, we would seek out this sort of hero who would stymie our antagonists with a mere icy glare, set society upon a streetcar named prosperity and achieve world peace in less than a fortnight.

But, weíre writing on the cheap here.

So youíll have to settle for a hero that is a bit...tarnished.

Okay...more than tarnished.

Ours is a hero who nearly attains the stature of Adonis but with the mental fortitude of Beavis and Butthead.

Okay. I lied. Heís nothing like Adonis.

What can I say? Iím an unreliable narrator.

Maybe Iíll tell the truth in the coming paragraphs.

Maybe...I wonít.

Deal with it.

Our hero is actually a really nice guy. Loved by all, in fact.

Haggis: Um...writer guy?

A hero who is looked up to; placed upon a pillar by many who aspire to someday stand upon that same pillar themselves.

Haggis: Um...writer guy?

A hero...

Haggis: WRITER GUY!!!

Writer Guy: Er...yes?

Haggis: Time to move the story along, don'tcha think?

Writer Guy: Thatís what Iím doing.

Haggis: No. What you are doing is called Ďprocrastinationí.

Writer Guy: Really? I thought it was called Ďbuilding the sceneí.

Haggis: Trust me. Itís called writing Ďcrapí.

Writer Guy: <begins to cry> Well, thatís not very nice.

Haggis: I know. But, sometimes we all need a little tough love.

Writer Guy: <wailing> Iím a failure! I donít wanna do this anymore!

Haggis: You have to. We canít get anyone else to write this tripe on such short notice. Just do the best you can. Okay?

Writer Guy: Okay. <sniffles> Should I start at the beginning?

Haggis: That will be fine.

Writer Guy: Should I introduce some new characters?

Haggis: Thatís to be expected.

Writer Guy: Okay, here goes...



#



Somewhere in the metropolis of AbsoluteWriteville, the man called...

<We interrupt this story for a brief message from one of our many fine sponsors:>

Hi, everybody! RT here. I was supposed to post the latest episode of this...um...tripe, but then a thought hit me. Once this little work appeared in my mailbox I remembered I have freewill. I donít have to post anything I donít want to.

Neener. Neener.

So, in keeping with that thought, Iíd like everyone to stop by ĎThunderís Magic Shopí. Youíll find it at the corner of Office Party and TIO. Itís the bestest place to do all your holiday shopping this year. We have a whole buncha specials...

Haggis: Jay?

Jaycinth: Yes, Haggis?

Haggis: Heís procrastinating again. Am I up to date on my shots?

Jaycinth: No, dearest, I donít believe you are.

Haggis: Ah. Good.

Haggis: <bites Writer Guy on ankle>

Writer Guy: <runs away> Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Jaycinth: So, whatís our backup plan now that youíve driven Writer Guy away?

Haggis: Hey, weíre only characters in this story. We just have to wait until the other writers take over or replace Writer Guy.

Jaycinth: Ah. Sounds good. Say, whoís that women sitting in front of Writer Guyís keyboard.

WriterGal #1: Itís just me. I wrote Chapter One, remember?

Haggis: <peers through monitor> Oh, yeah! I remember you two. <wink wink>

WriterGal #1: My face is higher up, pervert.

Haggis: Sorry. Bad habit.

WriterGal #1: No problem. Ready to be publicly humiliated?

Haggis: <sigh> Carry on.

+++++

Will cray ever own up to writing this garbage?

Will Writer Guy return and finish his job?

Will they ever give me some good lines?

Will Robeiae get his hand off my thigh?

Stay tuned for Chapter Ten, same place (sort of), same time (sort of) next week.

regdog
12-08-2008, 04:41 PM
:ROFL:

vixey
12-08-2008, 04:47 PM
Nice coverage for an unwritten chapter. :rolleyes:

Kitrianna
12-08-2008, 05:25 PM
Ummm...I feel used. :(

Angie
12-08-2008, 05:32 PM
:ROFL:

Haggis
12-08-2008, 05:36 PM
Ummm...I feel used. :(

As well you should.

Maybe you can talk to cray; make him stop.

Kitrianna
12-08-2008, 05:38 PM
More like *one claw pings out* I can *another claw pings* threaten you *lets another claw free* here and *lets yet another claw on the paw loose* we can *sets the final claw free* get a real chapter today. What do you say Haggis? I have 15 more claws and they're all ictichg to scratch something... :D

Haggis
12-08-2008, 05:47 PM
More like *one claw pings out* I can *another claw pings* threaten you *lets another claw free* here and *lets yet another claw on the paw loose* we can *sets the final claw free* get a real chapter today. What do you say Haggis? I have 15 more claws and they're all ictichg to scratch something... :D

Hey, now. Threatening me will do you no good. After all, I.Did.Not.Write.This.

I'd suggest you go talk to the battery. :)

Kitrianna
12-08-2008, 05:50 PM
I think you did. And if you want me to stop threatening you, you will go talk to the battery :D

Haggis
12-08-2008, 06:13 PM
I think you did. And if you want me to stop threatening you, you will go talk to the battery :D

I swear I.Did.Not.Write.This.

I had nothing to do with it at all, except posting it and formatting it.

Are you suggesting my writing is this awful? :e2teeth:



:D

cray
12-08-2008, 06:15 PM
what a crappy chapter.


maybe i did writer this one.

the other chapters, however, were written by aw's own OFG.

Kitrianna
12-08-2008, 06:17 PM
I swear I.Did.Not.Write.This.

I had nothing to do with it at all, except posting it and formatting it.

Are you suggesting my writing is this awful? :e2teeth:



I am suggesting nothing of the sort. I am, however suggesting we get a properly written chapter and soon. Bad cats don't like to be kept waiting :D





what a crappy chapter.


maybe i did writer this one.

the other chapters, however, were written by aw's own OFG.

I find that hard to believe. OFG would have given herself better speaking parts and dialogue. :tongue

Shadow_Ferret
12-08-2008, 06:38 PM
I like it in script form. Then I can quickly scan it, see if I have any lines, then not bother to read it when I don't.

Haggis
12-08-2008, 06:43 PM
what a crappy chapter.


maybe i did writer this one.

the other chapters, however, were written by aw's own OFG.

Hey, now. It wasn't that bad, cray. Don't be so hard on yourself.

Maybe it was just intended to be a pause in the action--you know, some kind of light, comic relief. Maybe it's just there to sort of lull you into complacency before the massive, hard-hitting conclusion next week--if there is a conclusion next week. Who knows?

Well, cray knows, obviously, but nobody else would, I'm sure.

So, lets be calm, people. Relax. I'm sure cray will be back to his old self next week.

Haggis
12-08-2008, 06:44 PM
Help! Help!

I'm being threatened by PM.

Kitrianna
12-08-2008, 06:46 PM
Help! Help!

I'm being threatened by PM.

That is not me! I'm threatening by reppie :D

Shadow_Ferret
12-08-2008, 06:47 PM
The conclusion is next week? Thank GOD!

I mean, er, thank goodness there will be another chapter!

Haggis
12-08-2008, 06:48 PM
That is not me! I'm threatening by reppie :D

Details, details....


The conclusion is next week? Thank GOD!

I mean, er, thank goodness there will be another chapter!

I said "maybe." :D

Leukman
12-08-2008, 07:07 PM
The conclusion is next week? Thank GOD!

I mean, er, thank goodness there will be another chapter!

Fajita Sunset.

quickWit
12-08-2008, 07:55 PM
Best. Chapter. Evah.


Way to go RT.

vixey
12-08-2008, 07:58 PM
Quickie, you're still looking a bit anatomically challenged. ;)

quickWit
12-08-2008, 08:02 PM
Quickie, you're still looking a bit anatomically challenged. ;)

I feel badly for RT. It must be tough for him to be the only anatomically (and mentally, for that matter) challenged poster on the boards. I'm leaving it as a show of solidarity.

I know. I'm a giver. :)

Shadow_Ferret
12-08-2008, 08:07 PM
I feel badly for RT. It must be tough for him to be the only anatomically (and mentally, for that matter) poster on the boards. I'm leaving it as a show of solidarity.

I know. I'm a giver. :)
Anotomically poster? WTF?

Those snowballs effecting your thoughts?

quickWit
12-08-2008, 08:10 PM
Anotomically poster? WTF?

Those snowballs effecting your thoughts?

Well done Ed. Thanks for the save. :)

Ol' Fashioned Girl
12-08-2008, 09:24 PM
what a crappy chapter.


maybe i did writer this one.

the other chapters, however, were written by aw's own OFG.

Now wait just a damn minute there, Nipplehead! I'll have you know, if I had written this... this... stuff, there would have been more drama, more sex, a LOT more lust, a little blood here and there, and at least one burning at the stake.

And more sex.


OFG would have given herself better speaking parts and dialogue. :tongue

See? Kit knows.


Help! Help!

I'm being threatened by PM.

As well as by post. Right out in the open. Here. And now.

Rolling Thunder
12-08-2008, 09:30 PM
WTF? When did I get a magic shop?

Haggis
12-08-2008, 10:11 PM
Originally Posted by Haggis http://absolutewrite.com/forums/images/buttons/viewpost.gif (http://absolutewrite.com/forums/showthread.php?p=3040560#post3040560)
Help! Help!

I'm being threatened by PM.


As well as by post. Right out in the open. Here. And now.

Don't make me sic Mindy on you.


WTF? When did I get a magic shop?

Chapter 2, I believe.

mscelina
12-08-2008, 10:17 PM
Hell, if you guys are that desperate, I'll write the next chapter. Geesch. ;)

cray
12-08-2008, 10:21 PM
Hell, if you guys are that desperate, I'll write the next chapter. Geesch. ;)

you'll have to clear that with the author -
ol' rolling hagcinth

Jaycinth
12-08-2008, 10:36 PM
WTF? When did I get a magic shop?
Three days before you woke up and swore off Absinthe forever.
you'll have to clear that with the author -
ol' rolling hagcinth

HAG-CYNTH!!!!!????


Folks, I will now assault the battery.:e2tomato::e2tongue::e2teeth::e2fight::whi p::e2fight::e2chain:

Bend over, Cray...:e2faint: Yeah...just like that...

cray
12-08-2008, 10:49 PM
:e2moon:

mscelina
12-08-2008, 10:50 PM
Wow. I need snacks in order to watch this...

Kitrianna
12-08-2008, 10:53 PM
:ROFL: I need an inhaler. I'm gonna throw myself into an asthma attack laughing at them :D

Ol' Fashioned Girl
12-08-2008, 11:11 PM
You want that new 'Nipplehead' avatar for him, JayC?

Susie
12-08-2008, 11:27 PM
:e2moon:

cray, your :e2moon: looks a lot like mine. We must be twins! :D

cray
12-09-2008, 12:41 AM
cray, your :e2moon: looks a lot like mine.

*zooms in on susie*

http://i495.photobucket.com/albums/rr317/cray_photos/evil-smiley-face-1.jpg

holy moly.......your :e2moon: does look like mine!

Beach Bunny
12-09-2008, 02:08 AM
I'm sorry the bit where Rolling Thunder says "Neener Neener" threw me right out of the story. I would think he would say something a bit stronger? rougher? tougher? than "neener neener" :rolleyes:

But, I am still relatively new around here, so whatdoiknow :Shrug: Maybe he's just a pile of kittehs hiding behind a grinchly avatar.

Haggis
12-09-2008, 02:13 AM
I'm sorry the bit where Rolling Thunder says "Neener Neener" threw me right out of the story. I would think he would say something a bit stronger? rougher? tougher? than "neener neener" :rolleyes:

But, I am still relatively new around here, so whatdoiknow :Shrug: Maybe he's just a pile of kittehs hiding behind a grinchly avatar.

Guy's a wimp. Trust me.

Susie
12-09-2008, 03:01 AM
*zooms in on susie*

http://i495.photobucket.com/albums/rr317/cray_photos/evil-smiley-face-1.jpg

holy moly.......your :e2moon: does look like mine!

:roll: :roll: :roll:

Jaycinth
12-09-2008, 03:24 AM
You want that new 'Nipplehead' avatar for him, JayC?

...and a nice skirt.
Like a school uniform.
Something the 'Little Sisters of Whoop-Ass' would approve of...but girlier.

Much. Girlier.

Ol' Fashioned Girl
12-09-2008, 04:23 AM
...and a nice skirt.
Like a school uniform.
Something the 'Little Sisters of Whoop-Ass' would approve of...but girlier.

Much. Girlier.

Comin' right up!

Ol' Fashioned Girl
12-09-2008, 04:45 AM
You know... I had no idea he had such good legs!

http://i136.photobucket.com/albums/q172/liadano/Nippleheadinaskirt.jpg

Rolling Thunder
12-09-2008, 04:52 AM
You know... I had no idea he had such good legs!

http://i136.photobucket.com/albums/q172/liadano/Nippleheadinaskirt.jpg

Or a triple-D ass. :D

vixey
12-09-2008, 04:58 AM
Or a triple-D ass. :D

Never heard of an ass getting measured. Now triple-D bra size....that I understand. He does have at least 1 nipple.

Rolling Thunder
12-09-2008, 05:00 AM
Well, cray's a D-size battery. I'll let you figure out the rest. :)

Don
12-13-2008, 04:55 AM
OMG, just discovered this. My poor brain's sparkin' but I'm starting to remember something similar...

Yeah... Callahan's Crosstime Saloon.

This reminds me of Spider Robinson...






on mescaline. I'm sure he would be proud. :D