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View Full Version : Best and Worst?



JrFFKacy
12-06-2008, 12:48 AM
This might be interesting. Pick a section of your current WIP or an older one and post one of your first drafts. Then post the polished version. Maybe we can all learn something from seeing how a work has progressed through its stages.

Here's mine:

That night he and Alicia went to the local bar to hang out. Maybe drink a little probably dance a little more. He went to use the washroom and when he came back she was gone. He thought she had went outside to smokeóhe didnít, but she didóso he just went to their table and waited for her. He absent-mindedly looked around the room and suddenly caught Alicia with the corner of his eye. She, was dancing with Darryl Albertson! While Darryl may have been the star football player at the high school, the top of the class, and the best looking guy around Alicia wasnít his date! He wouldnít have cared if she danced with him sometimes. It really didnít matter, but every time Jason took her out, she wanted to dance with Darryl, then sheĎd want to go and sit with him for awhile, and Jason was getting tired of it. He had thought about marching over and demanding to know what she was doing, but he didnít want to cause a scene. But when Darryl led her over to the bar and bought her a drink, Jason had really gotten mad, but he tried not to show it. He had walked across the room and had calmly said, "Iím going home ĎLeshia,"

"Now?" She had asked surprised "But itís only ten" she had said after she had checked her watch.

"You can stay, but I think Iíd like to go home." Jason answered starting for the door.

"How am I going to get home?" Alicia demanded following him.

"Ask Darryl" Jason said reaching into his pocket for his keys.

"But,"

"No buts. If you didnít want to go out with me why didnít you say so. I wouldíve understood. Instead you had to go behind my back. I donít like that in people."

And now what is currently the final version (until I find something else I want to change...lol...)

That night he and Alisha went to the local bar to hang out. Maybe drink a little probably dance a little more. He went to use the washroom and when he came back she was gone. Thinking she had went outside to smoke, he went to their table and waited for her. He didnít like the way she went through cigarettes, but she wasnít at all interested in quitting, so he hadnít pushed the issue.

Absent-mindedly, he looked around the crowded room and suddenly caught Alisha with the corner of his eye. Turning a little, his fears were confirmed, she was, again, dancing with Darryl Albertson. While Darryl may have been the star football player at the high school, the top of the class, and the best looking guy around, Alisha wasnít his date! Jason gritted his teeth, he didnít care if she danced with other men when she was on a date with him, but lately, all sheíd wanted to do was dance with Darryl, then go sit with him for most of the evening. Jason was sick of it.
He thought about marching over and demanding to know why she was so unloyal, but he didnít want to cause a scene.

Still irritated, he waited at the table, drumming his fingers on the top of it. When the song ended, Jason half expected Alisha to come back to him, but as usual she followed Darryl to the bar, trying her best to flirt with him. Darryl bought her a drink, and Jason officially lost his temper.

Trying to hide his feelings but failing miserably, he stormed over to them. "Is something wrong Jason?" Alisha asked sweetly, flashing her Colgate smile and making Jason forget nearly every nasty thing he was thinking.

"Iím going home ĎLeshia," He said, his voice surprisingly calm.

"Now?" She asked surprised "But itís only ten."

"Yeah Jason, you feeliní intimidated by me?" Darryl asked with a provoking smile. "You know, I try not to throw my weight around too much, but unfortunately, thereís still some people who donít trust me." He flexed his forearm muscle.

Jason stared at him levelly, "Iím not afraid of you or anyone else." One of these days, Darryl was going to go too far.

"Just jealous eh? íCause I got all the girls?"

"No."

"Comíon Jason, donít be unhappy, you can hang with us and we can all have a good time." Alisha said.
"You can stay, but I think Iíd like to go home." Jason answered starting for the door because he knew if he looked in DarrylĎs direction for two more seconds, he was going to give the football star a bloody nose.

"How am I going to get home?" Alisha demanded following him.

"Ask Darryl." Jason said reaching into his pocket for his keys.

"But,"

"No buts. If you didnít want to go out with me why didnít you say so. I wouldíve understood. Instead you had to go behind my back. I donít like that in people."


Now you try it...