UGH! GET OUT OF MY ROOM!

My wife and I have been sleeping in our den for over a year while a contractor began destroying remodeling our bed and bathroom. We recently fired him and hired a plumber to redo his work, which wasn't to code. I ripped out the tile he had installed and we're now having another company do the work again. So far, so good. When they're done, I'll repair the sheetrock the new plumber had to cut to install a vent stack. Then, to save money, I'll probably do the trim carpentry and painting. BTW, the contractor still owes us over 13k.

But to answer your question, naw, I've never had someone come into my messy room and move something out of place. That would really upset me.

The thing is THE ROOM IS NOT YOURS...it's a room in your parents' house. IF THEY WANT IT CLEAN, you should clean it. NOT YOUR HOUSE...THEIR HOUSE. When you pay for rent or mortgage on your domicile, you can keep it as filthy as you wish.

If things are a hazard to traffic, can't find stuff, getting generations of dust bunnies, food and plates of whatnot lying about--tis time to straighten things up a bit. Can you really place your hand on whatever you need without shifting other piles? Are the books on the floor as kicking options--really? Yes, it's your stuff--that you or others have paid for and that need to last or be used without being in danger of damage or breaking.

I respectfully disagree, Kevin. While it's true that the parents pay the mortgage, that DOES NOT give them the right to invade a child's sanctity. They are required by law to provide housing for the child. They are required by common sense and decency to respect the privacy of the other individuals who live in the house with them.

My own practice as a parent (and one that helped maintain a good relationship with my kids, even when they were raging bundles of hormones) was to shut the door if things got too messy. Knock before entering, and enter only when invited, or when concern for the child's welfare got to the point where I had to enter. (Suspicion of drugs or alcohol or self-abuse would have been reasons for this, for example.)

As far as making the child clean the room, I would sometimes point out to my kids that if they cleaned their rooms more often, they wouldn't step on and break as much stuff, and they'd spend less time frantically looking for things if everything is organized, but ultimately, the room was theirs to look after or not as they chose.

It's part of teaching a kid to grow up, really. If you constantly "make" them do as you want, and never give them any real responsibility and choice, you're not raising an adult. And it will show when they finally move out on their own, believe me.

Blue, a couple of questions for you, though.

Does your mother suspect you of taking her stuff? What is the basis for that suspicion? Is that suspicion a valid one, even though you didn't take what she was looking for "this time"?

Some words of experience here: Mom feels the same way about her clothes and makeup and stuff as you do, and if you take without asking, SHE feels violated. Not only that, she's perfectly justified in searching your room to find what's missing, even though what she's looking for may not be in your room.

I'd suggest you sit down and talk with her about it, and not in an accusing way (You turned my room upside down!), but in a problem solving kind of way. (I feel like my sense of peace has been destroyed when I come in and find things not where I left them. How can we work together to keep this from happening again.)

Be prepared to really hear her side of the story. Again, you're not the only one living in the house, and if she feels that you may have taken her stuff, her sense of peace will have been destroyed as well.

Good luck to you.

BlueLucario said:

My door is locked and I spent all day and night in my room. To be alone, where no one can bug me.

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As a parent, Blue, this would scare me.

Remember this: Your parents love you, and they want to know that you're all right. Spending an entire 24 hours alone, in a locked room, is NOT "all right."

You need to talk with your parents, not avoid them.

Yeshanu said:

I respectfully disagree, Kevin. While it's true that the parents pay the mortgage, that DOES NOT give them the right to invade a child's sanctity. They are required by law to provide housing for the child. They are required by common sense and decency to respect the privacy of the other individuals who live in the house with them.
Good luck to you.

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Nah, I think Blue's 18, considered an adult in the US. As far as the law is concerned, she's only there out of the kindness of her parents' hearts! They don't have to provide anything, which I think is the point KTC was making.

There are faults on both sides. An invasion of privacy on the part of the parents and a lack of gratitude on the part of someone they allow to stay in their house.

If you don't like it, get your own place. Failing that, it's something you're going to have to put up with for as long as you stay there. Unless you decide to sit them down and speak to your parents reasonably.

No, you shouldn't have to. Yes, they should behave like adults and respect your right to privacy.

But for as long as they don't, you will have to be the adult and take the first step to bring about peace.

Because - and Yeshanu might be better placed than I to recall where this verse can be found, but "the one isolating himself will seek his own selfish longing."

Someone who deliberately withdraws from all society is in a scary situation because there is no one around to help if such is needed.

Everyone needs solitude, no one needs isolation.

Blue, if I was your mother I'd be very worried and make any excuse to burst into your room to check on you.

Your posts here have been consistently negative, you isloate yourself and now you say society shuns you.

Yes, I'd be very worried indeed.

KTC said:

The thing is THE ROOM IS NOT YOURS...it's a room in your parents' house. IF THEY WANT IT CLEAN, you should clean it. NOT YOUR HOUSE...THEIR HOUSE. When you pay for rent or mortgage on your domicile, you can keep it as filthy as you wish.

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Quoted for truth. Parents who don't know what's going on in their teen kid's room are asking for trouble.

BlueLucario said:

It's just that they nag me over the stupidest things. My door is locked and I spent all day and night in my room. To be alone, where no one can bug me.

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Not good. Withdrawal from society is never a good sign.

BlueLucario said:

I can't out myself in anyone's shows so I have to ask: Why would this scare you?

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Though I don't know what the hell the first part of that sentence said, I understand the question. I would be afraid my kid was in his/her room doing drugs, lost in porn, or committing suicide.

My room was my sanctuary for me and my books, my artwork and materials, & my writing stuff (pre PCs). As long as I could remember, I always had my own room and until I met my partner I enjoyed being alone with the comfort of my stuff. I have different tastes in music, tv, and reading material than my folks. Whenever I felt anxious I rearranged my room, moving the furniture and stuff.

Perhaps some inexpensive storage solutions would help you to feel in control and give you room for that which you use most/want to have visible most. Long flat plastic bins with lids to separate summer from winter clothes can be stored under the bed, Stackable baskets in wire frames with cloth, cardboard, plastic, or wicker can sort craft of writing things, short extra shelves on a piece of furniture by a wall or in the closet can hold hats, shoes, books, cds, etc.

Everything we own also owns us--we invest energy and time into finding that comfortable writing pen, that set of red sable brushes for painting, the sheepskin that doubles as a foot warmer or a pillow of it's folded up. Freeing yourself from what you haven't used, don't like, & don't need gives you space for those things you do want to have in your life.

I'm trying to find my tiny violin but I seem to have lost it somewhere. Note to self: tidy this freaking room up so I can find what I'm looking for.

BlueLucario said:

I can't out myself in anyone's shoes so I have to ask: Why would this scare you?

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Because it is not normal or psychologically healthy for anyone to shut themselves in their room and not have any real life converse with the people they live with.

Blue, we at the Cooler are a lot of fun to be with, and it may seem to you that we understand you better than your parents and friends. But it's not true, and if you ever end up in real trouble, you'll find it out all too quickly.

The only thing that we can really offer you are our words, and our words are based on an incomplete knowledge of you and your situation.

Your parents and family, on the other hand -- they've been with you since day one. They should be the people you turn to first with your problems.

Your real life friends should be the ones you have the most fun with, do the most things with, spend the most time with.

I'll be the first to admit that some of the folks here are real friends. But I don't spend all my time here. I have a job, a family, and "meat space" friends, and those relationships come first, because when the going gets really tough, they're the ones who are going to be with me.

My basic advice would be this: Get out of your room, and repair the relationships you have with the rest of your family. Because you are not an island, living in your own little world. You are not the center of the universe. And when things go wrong (as they inevitably will) you'll be glad you repaired those relationships.

And BTW, I agree 100% with OFG -- the scenarios she mentioned are always the first to pop into a parent's mind when a teenager withdraws, and with good reason. Withdrawl from real life is in fact the precursor (or the result of) all of the things OFG mentioned.

Remember this: If your parents are worried and intrusive, it's because they love you and care what happens to you. You really do have a responsibility to care back, and talk with them about your problems.

BlueLucario said:

I'm used to isolation. Didn't think it was bad. I've been shunned and dumped by society for as long as I can remember.

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Argh! Trying not to have too many posts, Blue, but maybe my personal experience here can help a bit:

I was bullied and shunned by classmates from the time I was six years old. Eventually, I started pushing people away in self-defense.

I forget what age I was when I realized that new people I met didn't automatically push me away. They were as unsure as I was, and were often waiting for me to take the lead in the situation, and when I pushed them away -- THAT'S when they shunned me.

I slowly learned that if I smile and appear genuinely interested in another when I meet them, the result is quite different. I still don't have tons of friends in real life; I don't have the emotional energy to deal with that scene. But I do have friends, really good ones. And very few people automatically shun me when I meet them, and to be honest, those ones aren't worth knowing.

There is so very good advice and wisdom already here. All I have to add is if you can't talk to your parents about what is going on, then find an older adult that you can talk to. A real person, not an internet friend, someone that you can trust.

Kitty Pryde said:

Nah, I think Blue's 18, considered an adult in the US. As far as the law is concerned, she's only there out of the kindness of her parents' hearts! They don't have to provide anything, which I think is the point KTC was making.

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Thank you. That was my point, yes.

Actually I found this out the hard way when I was 18. I tried to move out because my parents were abusive and I needed some help paying for my own place. I learned this when the social services worker called my mother with me sitting right there and told her where I was...in order to see if my parents were willing to let me move out and incur this bill.

In some states (NY happens to be one) a parent is financially responsible for their child until the age of 21, which means that if Blue can't afford to live on her own, her parents have to allow her to remain there...if FL happens to be one of the states in question...or the state can require that they reimburse the government for any assistance that is provided to Blue if she moves out on her own.

Actually, my point about giving a child privacy has nothing to do with the law or not. If someone is living in your home, and they're above the age where they need constant checking, they have a right to privacy, even if it's not a legal one. And you don't teach a child to respect the privacy of others by disrespecting theirs.

If any kid of mine had the door closed and locked 24/7, I'd be concerned that they were trying to hide something. As in, something they don't want me to know about-- drugs or other forms of self-destruction. Especially if my kid seemed to have withdrawn from the rest of the world.

Now, it's actually rather common for teenagers to get tired of their parents. I remember being exceptionally easily irritated with mine when I was a teen. Always spying on me and boyfriend (who I'm married to) even though we weren't doing anything. And coming into my room and spying over my shoulder to see what I was doing on my computer. It was as if they were concerned I might get into some sort of trouble or make some sort of bad choice. I mean, as if teenagers ever do that... (oh, wait... ;-)

Sayth Mark Twain: "When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years."

Yeshanu said:

Actually, my point about giving a child privacy has nothing to do with the law or not. If someone is living in your home, and they're above the age where they need constant checking, they have a right to privacy, even if it's not a legal one. And you don't teach a child to respect the privacy of others by disrespecting theirs.

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Exactly!


As for the wanting to be alone:
I used to isolate myself a lot as a young teen. I would also teach myself at home (as I could teach myself better than my school teachers), so there were lots of A's that were made as a result of those monastic ceremonies. ...late nights at the public library with a group of friends came towards the end of high school.

Since my mother was the type who wouldn't let me do anything without feeling guilty for it somehow, e.g. nagging, scrutinizing, criticizing my effort to clean up after myself, and lots of other stuff, I would use my room as a daydreaming sanctuary. It was a mess a lot of the time, but it was my "sanctuary", which she understood.

During 'recharging' episodes in my room, I would play one of Fiona Apple's albums over and over again as if I was living through her cd; her turmoil was my turmoil. I used to listen to Elvis, the Beatles, and the Mamas/Papas, in the same sort of way as a junior and senior.

I still play Fiona Apple songs nearly everyday. My current mix cd has her, Bjork, and Nick Drake on it. I usually press play whenever I start feeling anxious about something, i.e. studying for exams.
Emotional music helps me cope. I find an inward strength that keeps me going while listening to it (especially whenever I work alone, with or without episodes of daydreaming).

If I'm outside too much or spend too much time socializing, I'll lose touch with the inward strength that pushes me forward. I'll get 'caught up', if you will, and then I'll have to go back inside to get my self back.

My 2 cents, take them or leave them...

My It-Seems-Like-I-Was-18-Not-That-Long-Ago self completely agrees with you. My stuff, stay the hell out. My mother pretty much stayed out of my stuff, but my younger sister constantly moved my stuff. It came down to either getting used to it or moving out (negotiation was not an option with my sister). Being human gives us the amazing ability to adapt. If you have stuff to hide, hide it well.

My Mom-Of-Two-Kids self however, says my house, all of it, even the part you sleep in. If you pay rent for the room, the room is yours. Do what you want. Unless something smells funny, I won't bother you without an invite. If something does smell funny/odd/like it died expect to find you stuff on the lawn when you return from where ever you've been while your "space" is being disinfected.