Reasons to leave a church

Puddle Jumper · May 11, 2005

Kind of like doing research for a story.

Can you give a list of reasons why you would leave a church? For example, "Change in Statement of Beliefs that I disagree with" or "Too much gossip." As many reasons as you can think of would be preferable.

Sonya · May 11, 2005

A reason to leave in my opinion would be if the attitude has become judgmental or legalistic rather than having a spirit of grace.

Sonya

reph · May 11, 2005

Dr. Rita, too-loud music is a genuine reason to leave. People with reactive tinnitus, in particular, need to avoid loud sounds. "Reactive" means environmental noise makes their tinnitus louder. For anyone, excessive noise has a cumulative effect, hastening hearing loss.

MadScientistMatt · May 12, 2005

Biggest one - it turned out they were a cult. The church looked pretty normal on the surface, but had some real problems with their doctrine, acted pretty manipulative, and sometimes even used deception to get new people to come to their meetings. I was involved for about two months there.

Another reason I've left a church was moving to another city.

Some reasons I've left churches that I was just looking at and only visited for a few weeks:

1. The pastor preached too much about politics and not enough about God.
2. The church had no sense of community - just a large worship service and few opportunities to actually get to know members.
3. I just plain didn't agree with what they taught.
4. I was just about the only one my age there. (Trivial, maybe, but it's good to have Christian friends my own age to hang out with as a good influence.)

Reasons I could see myself leaving a church that I had been a member of for a long time that haven't happened yet:

1. The church's teachings change to something I have a major disagreement with, or takes something where I had considered it a disputable matter where it is OK to agree to disagree and really starts pushing it agressively.
2. A church becomes too unloving and legalistic.
3. The church gets a new pastor who either acts like a tyrant or introduces doctrinal changes that I do not agree with.

DrRita · May 12, 2005

reph said:
Dr. Rita, too-loud music is a genuine reason to leave. People with reactive tinnitus, in particular, need to avoid loud sounds. "Reactive" means environmental noise makes their tinnitus louder. For anyone, excessive noise has a cumulative effect, hastening hearing loss.

Dear Reph,
You are right; that would be a legitimate reason, and while I can be totally sympathetic to the ailment, in the cases I've sited, illness was not the reason. And if it were made known, I know a compromise could be made. Due to otosclerosous, I had a stapendectomy(sp?) done about 25 years ago and now have a small wire where the three little bones once were. Loud noises hurt and I cannot tolereate really loud music either.

Sonya · May 12, 2005

DrRita

I don't know what type of church you pastor or what your beliefs are but I would like to share some things with you from the point of view of someone who sat in the pews for twenty plus years.

The church I left years ago---the youth pastor ran off with one of the teenagers (a 14 year old). The pastor refused to notify authorities and shoved it under the carpet. The pastor was involved in some things I won't go into here that were wrong. People who spoke out against it were labeled as complainers. The church members who pointed out a problem became the problem. I cannot even begin to go into everything that went on in this church. Sadly, it's not the only one of it's kind. Definitely not the kind of church where anyone got fed. That's not an excuse, but truthfulness.

I study the Greek and Hebrew meanings of scripture. In the past, I've read my Bible through twice a year or more. Why? Because I want to know. I love to learn. My pastor at the time felt threatened by my family and I studying on our own.

Two years ago, we had a pastor who felt comfortable making fun of church members or trying to gossip to us about other members of the church. Because we'd been to Bible college he felt like we 'were on the same page'. He ran around demanding that people 'reverence' him and his wife. The church chased away people who didn't carry what they considered the 'right' Bible. We left there (again same denomination as the first church). We were very honest about why we left. After we left, we were shunned by 'friends' still in the church because we'd pulled away and were in their opinion 'sinning'. There is a mentality of 'ours is the only 'right' kind of church' and if 'you're not with us, we can't associate with you' outside the church.

I'm not referring to you, but I do want to point out that sometimes the sin is on the part of the pastor, rather than the members. There are good members who desire to see a church be healthy, nurturing, and a blessing to the members and community.

Feel free to send me a PM if you'd like to discuss church more in depth with me.

Sonya

DrRita · May 12, 2005

Sonya,

I totally agree with you!! Believe me I know from first hand experience what it's like to be involved in churches that abuse their members both physically and mentally/spiritually. Before my husband and I started our ministry in 1997 we spent twenty years in several different churches and have dealt with all of the above from a members point of view. Before pastoring, in our "training" years, we were involved in leadership as well as just faithful members. We have been through all kinds of stuff and most of it was from pastors or leadership who abused their power. I could tell you stories that would make you cry. I'm writing a book about it infact. I just want you to know, I understand from personal experience what you have gone through. I also know from the other side what pastors go through. It's hard and very discouraging at times. I know there are many wonderful people who are faithful, hard working and diligent. I am sorry you have had such horrible experiences. It makes me ashamed sometimes to hear these stories and pray God will get the glory somehow out of the twisted stuff that goes on. Anyway, if you'd like to share anything, you feel free to send me a message. And if I've offended you, please forgive me.

ruki · May 13, 2005

Very interesting topic and an issue I'm currently dealing with. I joined the church I presently attend about 8 months ago. I'd visited the church in the past and sited -- well, just let's just say "areas of concern". I struggled with placing my membership there but believe I was prompted by the Spirit to join.

This is a very small church, in a urban/rural setting. But God is God where ever. Seems like the first week after I joined, a member got up and testified that after 17 years her oldest daughters father and she were finally getting back together. He was there that morning and said the "Lord got a hold of Him and he wanted to do the right thing"

Well let me tell you the church went crazy, Oh they got up and shouted, and raised their hands and danced and praised (Still not sure who they were praising). I was glued to my seat for some reason, and later found out they weren't getting married -- they were "living together." and everyone knew it.

If that wasn't enough, 2 months ago , this same "shackin' sister" went up for prayer and whispered something in the pastors' ear. After the altar call was over he announced "Sis so and so, has a need, she lost her job and has been out of work for some time, so we're going to take up a special offering....." Oh, and the "boyfriend" well he didn't work either, and hadn't been to church since that first day.

Needless to say I was insensed, and of course did not contribute to this mess. There are several other problems I could list them, but someone might call the post police. But I'll just say this is why the Lord had me pull my article back out. (In case you've not read it).

The young people in this church are out-of-control, and I read where Dr. Rita said "parents will leave a church if they feel their child was threatened" well what about the other way around.

I produce and direct the television broadcast, and one of the youth "workers" told me on a particular Sunday "he didn't have to "man" the camera the entire service" it was o.k for him to sit 20 feet away from the camera and still do a good job. I said "well I'll speak to your Granddad and see what he has to say about this. I mentioned the incident to the pastor, he made excuses for this child, and said "well you know -- he's very tired on Sunday Mornings because he stays up so late." BTW, the young man IS the Pastors' grandson.

This kid is 14 years old and you have no more control over him than that?

Well I'd better stop now. But, all these incidents have just made it impossible for me to stay.

robeiae · May 13, 2005

PJ, you might want to solicit reasons why people would join a church, as well. It can often be indicitive of why they might leave.

Just a thought,

Rob

Sonya · May 13, 2005

DrRita said:
Sonya,
And if I've offended you, please forgive me.

DrRita,

You didn't offend me at all! I sent you an e-mail because I felt it was just too long to post here. : 0 )

Sonya

aboyd · May 13, 2005

Lack of recognition.

Personality clashes.

These two are, right now, the reasons why I stopped volunteering at my church. (By recognition I don't mean I need my ego stroked, I mean that I do not like to be used & discarded.)

I worked on a church project for over two years. When I was laid off of my "real" job I sent an email to the leaders in the church who used my skills often. I was hoping for a job lead, or a reference, or prayer. Instead, nobody replied at all. I was really, really pissed that the church staff used my services for years and then when I needed help, they couldn't be bothered.

The next week, when a staff member screwed up a bunch of stuff, I was quickly called in to fix everything. While I was there, I learned that Mr. Screwup had gone to the pastor and made a bunch of decisions about the project without my input. I was the lead on the project, but this kind of stuff kept happening. So I said, "sounds like this is yours now."

Now it's pretty much dead. I know it will come back stronger than ever some day, but I'm glad I won't be a part of it.

Closer to the theme of this topic, I think my biggest issue now is that lately I'm having a hard time believing anything otherworldly. I remember reading an interview with some pop star a while ago, and she was asked if she viewed her oversexed near-porn music videos as offensive to God. And she gave a lurid answer and said, "if God don't like it, he can call me home right now."

I thought, "huh, that's interesting." I decided to apply a similar concept: someone came by our house to convert me, and I said, "I'll believe in your God if you can call down fire, just like they did in the Bible. Go ahead, call it down." Where is God? Is he the absentee landlord, as Al Pacino said? Or is he not there at all?

The next time I leave a church, my reason may not be "I'm going to another church" but just "I'm going."

-Tony

kappapi99 · May 13, 2005

Most of the churches I left were simply because we moved away...another reason, at least for me, was our time was done there. I'm sorry if it doesn't make much sense, but after praying about it, I just felt it was time to move to another church.

Less than a year later I am on the leadership team of our new church's men's ministry

.

As for other reasons why I would leave, I would have to say it would be most likely because the pastor was was off his rocker in what he taught. I don't mean minor differences in doctrine, I mean legalistic or cult-like preaching.

Just my thoughts...

KP

William Haskins · May 13, 2005

got tired of hypocrisy and racism. how's that?

sgtsdaughter · May 13, 2005

lost my faith, so to speak. that's a topic for another time.

but really, i've left churches because the money plate was more important that the message. the car you drove and clothes you wore were more important than being there. the pastor slept with various women in the congregation. the snake thing . . . let's not go there. a friend drug me to her church, and i waited in the car on that one.

the list is long.

MacAllister · May 13, 2005

Dr. Rita, I was sorry to see you removed your post--I thought it intelligent, interesting, and a positive contribution to this very interesting thread.

pepperlandgirl · May 14, 2005

I left the Church I was raised in because I became an atheist, and while I could have continued to attend the services for my family's sake, and for the sense of community (FTR, I was raised in the LDS Church and still identify culturally, to some extent, as a Mormon), I felt that it was disrespectful to the faithful members of the Church to the extreme, so I quietly removed myself.

Vipersniper · May 14, 2005

A Reason To Leave The Church

:Coffee:

That you have outgrown them and it is time to move on to something else. I have done this several times when the politics of the church regarding the preacher got to be a flame throwing contest. I do hate when someone asks me why I left the church so and so when it purely is not their business. I left the last church because of the way certain members treated the female pastor. One guy said he would never set his foot in the church as long as she was there. I said to him. "Why come back then?" Now the church that I attend is getting new minister as the old one retired. Did not get involved in the process because I am open minded. When I lose that feeling I leave and that is simple.

Betty W01 · May 14, 2005

Interesting thread, y'all!

DH and I have attended the same church for 30+ yrs and over the years have weathered all sorts of things we didn't agree with (some relatively minor, some big ones that eventually came to the light and were dealt with) and a pastoral search that produced four pastors in five years recently. (WE love the one we finally ended up with.) However, we left several churches before this one.

One was a cult which we got mixed up with due to baby Christian ignorance, one was anti-charismatic to the point of saying that anyone who believed in the baptism of the HS, speaking in tongues, healing, etc. was from the devil, and one we left because we felt God was calling us to the one we're in now. We still occasionally go back to the last one to visit, since we still have friends there and it's where our oldest daughter attended youth group (and right next to where she's now buried.)

Really, though, I'd have to say that the only reason we'd leave our church is if God made it perfectly clear to us that He was taking us somewhere else. Lots of things would make us start praying about it, though, like big doctrinal changes that we could not agree with.

During some of the tough times in the past, we've prayed about leaving and even looked around a little, but we never had a peace about leaving. We're very happy there right now, but happiness isn't why we came or why we stay. Obedience is.

Ralyks · May 16, 2005

I have always found that churches I have attended are either too liberal or too conservative for me (both theologically and politically). None has been Goldilocks-just-right. But I decided a long time ago that, unless I feel my spirtual well being is at risk or my conscience is violated, I need to just stick it out somewhere. The community is what matters most to me, and as long as I have fellowship, I'm pretty happy in a church, even if I don't agree with everything spoken from the pulpit and all of the decisions made and directions taken.

The only time I chose to leave a church for a reason other than a geographical move was because one I attended was becoming too legalistic and narrow, and the old pastor left (maybe for that reason also--the elders were leading it in that direction). Leaving was very difficult--gut-wrenching really. We had made friendships and had ties. It was quite a difficult decion, but that was one instance where our spirtual (and mental) well being required it.

I actually may be confronted with this struggle again soon, this time on the opposite spectrum--the church becoming too liberal and worldly (and too politically involved) instead of becoming too narrow and rigid. But if I can find a way to stay without violating my conscience, I will. I'm really involved in several ministires and have good friends here (whom I would hope I could keep even if I felt the need to leave).

WVWriterGirl · May 16, 2005

I haven't been to a regular Sunday-school service in over eleven years. I was raised in a Baptist church - the pastor lived across the road from me all my life. As a teenager, I left that church to attend with my boyfriend, whom I thought was the one. Things went well, and all my friends from my old church began attending at my new church.

Things began to get out of hand, somehow. The youth group leader was best friends with my boyfriend's mother, and the two of them (for some reason) didn't like me very well. They began to spread rumors amongst my friends, and I began to be "shunned" (that's the only word for it I have) both inside and out of church. I used to solo in Sunday evening services, played the piano, held youth group lessons, planned trips, led prayer...all of a sudden, and for no reason I knew of, I was a pariah. Everything, all my activity within that church, was put to a stop. The pastor would not even shake my hand before or after Sunday morning or Sunday evening services. It all came to a head when the youth group and some of the church elders planned a trip to the Amish Country in Ohio. The other members of the youth group (some of the elders, too, for all I know) drew up a seating chart for the 4-5 hour bus ride up, 4-5 hour bus ride back. A seating chart that ensured I would sit alone the entire time. Even if I spoke to others, they would not speak back.

My question was, what did I do so wrong in God's eyes? Love the wrong person? If that was it, why did He feel the need to punish me in his own house? I left that church, and was too humiliated to return to the church of my childhood. I have a young son now, and feel guilty that I'm not the one taking him to Sunday school. At least he's going, though. His grandparents take him every Sunday morning. I'd never dream of stopping them...through it all, I still have faith that He's out there...I just think He has a funny way of "toughening me up".

WVWG

Celeste · May 17, 2005

Originally posted by WVWriterGirl

Things began to get out of hand, somehow. The youth group leader was best friends with my boyfriend's mother, and the two of them (for some reason) didn't like me very well. They began to spread rumors amongst my friends, and I began to be "shunned" (that's the only word for it I have) both inside and out of church.

Something similar happened to me when I was a teen attending a Baptist church. I was 14 or 15, a bit of a rebellious teen, was defiant, got into mischief, etc.. Well, the church pastor knew of the problems my parents were having with me (which were minor) and decided to take it amongst himself to announce that I was a heroine addict to other members of the church asking for prayers for me. I was not on heroine. The worst as far as drugs that I was doing was smoking cigarettes! So, after that I had all these church members giving me stares like I was some sort of lost junky. Another teen from the youth group told me her parents told her to stay away from me because of what this pastor said. I haven't been a member of a church since. I'm 33 now.
If I want to worship a God, I'll do it in my home, in my own way.

Betty W01 · May 17, 2005

WgWv and Celeste, please don't hold what some misguided Christians did against God. I'm sure He often sheds tears over what people do in His name, against His principles of love, forgiveness, and justice. I know I sure do. On behalf of the body of Christ, forgive us for the hurt we did both of you.

WVWriterGirl · May 17, 2005

There weren't any rumors of anything I'd done - at the time, I smoke anything (not that I smoke anything harder than cigs now...). I don't hold it against God - I just can't seem to find it in myself to trust a congregation to show me the way when they can't find it themselves. I'm perfectly capable of reading scripture and finding what I believe is God's path for me in life. If I have questions, I've got several trusted pastors that I can go to, one on one.

I think that what happened to me made me what I am today. I have no friends from my high school days - they were all members of the shunners club - but it gave me the opportunity to find new friends, new ways of looking at the world, and new attitudes. I'm like Celeste - I'll worship in my own way and in my own home.

WVWG

Celeste · May 17, 2005

WVWriterGirl said:
I don't hold it against God - I just can't seem to find it in myself to trust a congregation to show me the way when they can't find it themselves.

Yeah, that's how I feel. I don't hold a grudge against God, or anything. Like you, I definitely lost my trust toward congregations.

MadScientistMatt · May 17, 2005

Yeah, I've been burned that way too. The time I fell in with a cult, I had a really hard time trusting churches or pastors after that. I felt nervous, almost to the point of panic attacks, setting foot in a sanctuary. Some of the panic was rational: I knew I had to be very careful of how a church's members behaved and what they taught. The other half, though, seemed to come from some animal nature deep inside me. The same sort of thing that short-circuits your thought process and just brings up mindless terror.

But now I'm a regular church attender again and the nervousness is gone. What helped me the most was that I was able to go back to the church I had grown up in for several months, as that was a place I always felt welcome and knew I could trust them. That kind of offset the panic, but that sort of nervousness takes time to go away. It also fades the more you go near something that brings on the panic without anything happening to give you reason to be afraid.

But trust has to be earned... whether it is by a person or by a church.

Just my own experiences with pain caused by screwed up congregations.

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