I never knew my mother had such a sense of entitlement

Ever ask her why she wants to be treated as if she's helpless? Perhaps it ties in with her age that she feels a loss of personal power & control over the downfalls of age and the lessening of things she never got to do.

Maybe she thinks it's your job to make it happen for her. You're her child and therefore you owe her. That's silly, of course, but there are parents out there who really feel that way.

Maybe she's just tired of doing for everyone else and would like to have done for her, for a change.

She was a looker! Is that her picture?

Hell, I'D like that lifestyle as well!

It sounds a bit like she's stuck at some point in her life when she still had the dream of having it all. That she held on to that dream, no matter what life threw at her.

I don't know about the rest of you, but I remember when I discovered that maybe what I have is as good as it gets (in terms of material things). It's a major let down to think that you may never own a second vacation home, or travel to your heart's desire, or get that 3 carat diamond ring, or drive your dream car, or [insert any special tangible desire here]. Things.

I don't think, PD, at 76, your mom will come to terms with missing out on the life she wanted. And as her daughter it must be frustrating that she wants something unattainable and that she's not happy. Nod and smile? or point out the things that have been good for her over the years.

And some people are never happy with what they have because there's always something better. They seem to live to complain, even though they may not have much to really complain about.

My brother always has something to complain about-- the flat screen TV didn't mount quite right or the new fancy wash machine doesn't hold ALL the towels in the house. Sometimes, I want to slap him. But since he fixes my car, I just smile and nod. I don't understand what he's got to complain about, but he clearly sees how things could always be better.

Ahhh, the dreams of youth never completely fade away. And I suspect their pang becomes even more piercing in a person's twilight years.

Is it a sense of entitlement? Or mere ambition or a wish for something better?

Nothing wrong with that, if so.

Why would she resent it? Who did she think was going to provide that life style to her?

My feeling is if I wanted to live like that and I didn't, I'd have only myself to blame.

I mean, there's nothing wrong with her saying she always wanted to live like that, but why is it a sense of entitlement?

I think the life she aspires too sounds pretty damn sweet. Why doesn't she treat herself to one or two nights of full on room service pampering at one of those dream time hotels while she can still fully enjoy it? Me, I can't afford to live in the Ritz but I can have afternoon tea there and live the dream for an hour or two. A little luxury and pampering never hurt anyone. A wonderful, taste of not so reckless luxury can really lift the spirits without costing the earth. Lunch instead of dinner in the best place in town followed by top theater seats for a matinée show instead of Saturday evening, a champagne cocktail at happy hour instead of the bottle. Life is short and you can't take your money with you, might as well have a bite of your dream before you go.

Personally I am not interested in owning loads of stuff or have a strong desire for expensive objects, no desire whatsoever for diamonds and flash cars. I like to have blowouts on experiences.

Room service! Yippee!

It sounds like a lovely thing to be pampered so. And, at 76, it prolly has been earned to some degree - the pampering I mean.

Not necessarily on the level as stated in OP.

But, hell, if one is gonna dream - blow it outta the water.

Christine

Oh - I was thinking it a dream more than a disappointment.

Sorry it is so for her. And, for your dad. It must be difficult for both. And, as a child watching, it must tear at you to know such and watch it. Between parents.

I hope she finds peace and joy in what she has so that all can feel better.

Christine

I don't think it is entitlement. I think she's elderly and looking back on her life and realized how fast it went by and how much she wished things had worked out different.

People (of all ages) tend to do this when they are either afraid that they are leaving this life soon or they are lonely and facing some very difficult times.

Brightest blessings to you and to her this season and may it be one filled with fulfilling dreams even in the smallest of ways.

Plot Device said:

I'm not trying to be disrespectful, but I have come to realize just recently that my 76-year-old mom's deepest longing has always been to be a very rich high society lady living the upscale city lifestyle of a permanent suite at the Waldorf-Astoria. She wants perpectual room service and lots of people bowing and scraping to her every whim. Maids. Chauffers. Consierges. In short she wants to get in a time machine, go back to the 1930's or 1940's, and live exactly in that manner.

And she actually resents to this day that she never got that lifestyle.

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Don't we all.

She put up with an uppity mother-in-law just to be left with a less-than-ideal lifestyle. I feel for her...


My ex's mother rubbed me that way. His father loved me though.

That's more or less how I think too. I scold myself for not being satisfied with what I have in my life, as I have more than a lot of people do in this world. But there's something deep inside of me that wishes I had a much better standard of life.
I guess it's why I write, I can give my heroines all that I desire for myself, after they've fought tooth and nail for it, of course. I'm too lazy to fight But I'll never give up my hopes and dreams for the life I think I deserve.

scarletpeaches said:

Is it a sense of entitlement? Or mere ambition or a wish for something better?

Nothing wrong with that, if so.

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I prefer the Savoy myself.

Sucks that your mum is haunted by her MIL though. But then I assume she married your Dad cos she loved him, not for the house she might get? So maybe just a little daydreaming 'if only' which we all do ( mine? If I'd have married that rich guy....)

I have tea at Harrods whenever I can (man those waiters can keep a straight face - they don't care what you look like, they treat you like royalty, because for all they know you may well be, only mildly eccentric) just for the 'posh' value. Silver teapots, the string quartet in the corner...

Plot Device said:

Basically, my mom feels like my dad/her husband let her down. She believes he should have become far more than he ever did, and so now she feels gyped.

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I can't comment on your Mom's dreams/unmet expectations, and on whether it's a sense of entitlement or just a regretful look-back on a hard life. We all have dreams, and while we shouldn't be resentful of the more lofty ones, it's hard sometimes to see the possessions or lifestyles of others and not be envious. The problem is this envy usually shortcircuits the ACCOMPLISHMENTS of those other people. While some fall into the lifestyle through familial position (a Hilton girl comes to mind), many people who gain a lofty lifestyle actually earn it. Maybe we will all find out that age blurs the distinction and turns everything toward regret and envy, as a realization that there isn't time or energy to accomplish our dreams.

I pulled the first part of the quote because I really hope your mother didn't lord this over your father. As a male wage-earner, I'd like nothing better than to provide a lavish lifestyle to my family, and the internal pressure to be successful is harsh by itself. This is not gender specific, by the way--there are many females who are sole or primary wage-earners and who are probably driven by the exact same internal pressures. The problem of contribution by the spouse becomes a difficult one because the life of the non-wage earner (or the lesser wage-earner) is already full of a truckload of toil if that person is expected to do the majority of the home management tasks. However in theory, the ascension of a family into the dream lifestyle has to be a partnership thing, each family working out appropriate contributions. The quote above, in isolation and without knowing the circumstances, is disturbing as it portrays a person who actually resents her partner for not "giving" her the dream lifestyle. Where has the idea of a shared accomplishment gone in marriages where all responsibility of this kind is settled on just a single set of shoulders? If a the two members of a couple contribute, no matter how they divide up the workload, the ultimate position in life should not be blamed on just one member of the team, unless there is some kind of "squandering" of time or resources that can be rightly centered on that person alone.