helping kids deal with disappointment

My 6-year-old grandson's cat died of old age. His mom and dad queitly explained the cycle of life to him and that, at the end his pet went to cat heaven. It helped him to believe that the cat still existed somewhere, but he was sad that he wouldn't be able to see him anymore. The mourning went on for over a week but he got over it and returned to his normal self.

A year later, his Grandpa, on his mother's side (I'm his father's dad), passed away. It was an expected event and little Nicholas knew it was coming. On his last visit with his grandpa, he climbed up into the hospital bed, laid down next to his grandpa and hugged him. He told his grandpa that he was going to miss him but he knew that he would be in heaven. He handled the mourning better than his mother.

I stress that all experiences, especially the difficult ones, help us grow into stronger people. Each one is like a brick that becomes part of our growing selves.

Certainly not the be-all and end-all of grief, but knowing Kübler-Ross's stages is usually helpful:

Based on the grief cycle model first published in On Death and Dying, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross (1969). Interpretation by Alan Chapman (2006):

1-- Denial is a conscious or unconscious refusal to accept facts, information, reality, etc., relating to the situation concerned. It's a defence mechanism and perfectly natural. Some people can become locked in this stage when dealing with a traumatic change that can be ignored. Death of course is not particularly easy to avoid or evade indefinitely.

2 -- Anger can manifest in different ways. People dealing with emotional upset can be angry with themselves, and/or with others, especially those close to them. Knowing this helps keep detached and non-judgemental when experiencing the anger of someone who is very upset.

3 -- Bargaining: Traditionally the bargaining stage for people facing death can involve attempting to bargain with whatever God the person believes in. People facing less serious trauma can bargain or seek to negotiate a compromise. For example "Can we still be friends?" when facing a break-up. Bargaining rarely provides a sustainable solution, especially if it's a matter of life or death.

4 -- Depression, also referred to as preparatory grieving. In a way it's the dress rehearsal or the practice run for the 'aftermath' although this stage means different things depending on whom it involves. It's a sort of acceptance with emotional attachment. It's natural to feel sadness and regret, fear, uncertainty, etc. It shows that the person has at least begun to accept the reality.

5 -- Acceptance: Again this stage definitely varies according to the person's situation, although broadly it is an indication that there is some emotional detachment and objectivity. People dying can enter this stage a long time before the people they leave behind, who must necessarily pass through their own individual stages of dealing with the grief.

Small Disappointments

One of the techniques I use with kids who have trouble shaking off relatively trivial disappointments is called COULD IT HAVE BEEN WORSE. Ask them to describe the disappointing event and take some time to acknowledge their feelings.

Then ask them if they could think of something even worse. Write down that answer and have them think of something even worse. Keep getting worse and worse and worse until you've gone as far as you can go. (Older kids will sometimes make it all the way to the apocalypse doing this, a meteor hitting the earth and such). Then have them look back at the original problem and compare. "How does this problem look now? How big does this problem really? Can you fix this problem?" Hopefully they will acknowledge that not getting invited to Susi's party, while disappointing, does not belong in the same category as a volcano or tsunami.

Parents will love a good article on this topic! Best of luck!

It depends on what the disappointment is, but I try to acknowledge my kids' feelings without dwelling too much. I've also found that sports and board games help kids cope with all kinds of issues (for minor disappointments.)

For example, one daughter is into swimming. When she competes she doesn't always win or even place, but her coach has her focus on her personal time and working towards making that better. Another daughter is a fencer and she has to cope with losing bouts all the time. She's competitive, and it's tough for her, but she gets better at dealing with it each week.

I'm afraid I don't have any words of wisdom for major issues, like a death or divorce.

I have to be careful to separate my own disappointment from my kids'. Some years ago my son was up for a part in a play and he didn't get it. He didn't really care, but I felt badly because I thought he was perfect for the part and because I wanted him to be happy (and because it's hard not to get sucked into these things) and then I realized I was actually making him feel worse. So now I try to focus on listening.

Very small children, from my experience, will be lost if you try to give them a complex answer such as the cycle of life. Some children do well with this, but others need more simple answers. When a relative died, we told my five-year-old cousin that he was in heaven in the sky. She did really well with that, and that's become her explanation for death.

I also saw on a documentary that two small children were suffering from their parents' divorce. The father tried to offer up a big "I tried to please everyone and couldn't do it" explanation, but the kids were lost. Then someone told them "Daddy and Mommy are happier when they don't live in the same house," and although it was still hard, the children accepted this because they had seen it for themselves and could understand it.

Even with very bright children, when they're at a young age (like six or under), it's been my experience that simple terms are best. And then if that's not enough for them, you can try a deeper explanation and maybe they'll get it.

For my five-year-old, disappointment comes when she's been so looking forward to something, and it doesn't meet the height of her expectations. We try to place a healthy amount of excitement on whatever it is we're doing, without overdoing it, and talk her through the anti-climactic after effect. Focus on what was good about what we've done, instead of letting her dwell on what she didn't like or didn't get to do.

We're also working on viewing the whole picture - say, on a family day, when we have multiple things planned, but she's only looking forward to one thing. So that she can enjoy the entire line of events, taking them for what they are, we express interest in what's of the moment, careful not to build up what she's most excited about. The hope is that a balance will be found, she'll enjoy the day in general and being with her family, with no let-down in the end.

Sounds like a great article. Good luck!

Don't use food. That was my mother's solution for every disappointment in life--a special treat to take your mind off it. Very dangerous habit to develop and one that has proven difficulty to break.

My oldest just turned seven--and he has the ability to take the one teeny thing that didn't work out the way he wanted and make it the focus of his attention instead of the rest of the day that was stupendously wonderful for him.

Thankfully he's old enough that I finally was able to ask him the questions so that he could come to his own conclusion that he was ruining his own days by his outlook.

When we went to a Halloween party recently, everything about it was over-the-top fabulous. Except for about 30 seconds when one of the adults told him he had to wait to collect his goody bag and said it in a way that hurt his feelings a bit. He came home angry and upset. Until I was able to say, "Okay, son--did you have a good time? How long did the party last?"

Sulky answer--"I dunno. Three hours?"

Me: "Yep. And of that whole three hours, how long did that moment last with the grownup who told you 'no?' About a minute, tops?"

Sulky kid: "Yeah."

Me: "So you're letting one minute ruin a whole three hours of fun??"

Yep, that did it. Now the shorthand we use when he focuses on the negative is, "Are you thinking about the ten percent or the ninety percent?"
And he is able to refocus his thinking and adjust his attitude.

Hmmm, I know when my cousins don't win something we just tend to blow past it, maybe help them pratice a little more.
When something big happens a 'Special Day' is in order.
That could mean a day of lazing out on the couch,
going to the movies
baking something
or just hanging out with parents.
For my sister ( she's 12) I tell her that " You can always try again, and you can work harder at it and be better."