Dialogue question

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Stephenie Hovland

How do you "dialogue" someone clearing their throat?

"Ahem" sounds too pretentious.

And, I'm writing for young adults, if that makes a difference.
 

aka eraser

Good q. You might consider inserting one of those vocal "tics" that public speakers work hard to rid themselves of like - "erm" or "hmm" or "uh."
 

Stephenie Hovland

Here's the situation. A young woman is looking at something on the computer that she isn't supposed to, and her supervisor is standing right there with a disapproving look on his face.

"Ahemmm." (or whatever it will be)

She looks up, feels guilty and stammers an apology.

What do you think fits best?
 

Fern

Uh Ohhh

Here's the verdict from my teenage daughter. . .

What she said was "actually, Mom, I'd be running away."

Uh, Ohhhh. ..

or

Uh, Ohhh. . . Sorry

(You know how they drag out sorry
to sound like "sah-reeee")
 

aka eraser

Does it have to be a sound? Maybe "tsk-tsk" would work. ("Ahem" isn't so bad I don't think.) What about just hearing her name?

"Miss Brooks." His voice dripped with disapproval.

She looked up...etc.
 

maestrowork

Just say: He cleared his throat.

"You know." He cackled and cleared his throat. "I really have no idea."
 

Stephenie Hovland

Great ideas. I'll copy them all into my rough draft and see what sticks.

Thanks!
 

mammamaia

short story?... children's book?

steph... if you'll let me know what it is you're writing, i'll move this to the appropriate board, ok?...

love and hugs, maia
[newbie board mod]
 

Stephenie Hovland

Re: short story?... children's book?

It's a children's short story (young adult).

Thanks.
 

mammamaia

Re: short story?... children's book?

okey-doke... off it goes!... as for your question, check out the harry potter books... i'm sure someone clears his or her throat in there somewhere...

hugs, maia
 

Stephanie

If you can't come up with a sound, maybe the boss could just jar her chair a little "accidentally" with his foot, or drop a pen on her desk.

....ahhhh, the memories.... :eek:

Or, what about: Suddenly, the office exploded! No, wait. It was just her stupid boss, slamming an enormous file on her desk. (She really had to quit this day job...)

;)
 

Stephenie Hovland

Thanks. I've been reading some YA books this week and keeping my eyes pealed (sp?) for someone clearing their throat.
 

Stephanie

I'll keep my eyes peeled too, unless the pealing of those darn bells drives me to distraction first!

;)
 

Stephenie Hovland

I was too lazy to look it up. All I could think of was a carrot peeler slicing an eye ball. I thought I was safer with it ringing!

:b
 

Stephenie Hovland

okay. . .


So, I'll be careful about imagery in picture books. Or, maybe I shouldn't be trusted with them at all.

My critique group thinks I'm weird too. I was reading a chapter from a novel where the writer described an army formation (think Lord of the Rings era.) Anyway, it said something about forming a triangle or wedge. I immediately pictured all the sweaty, bloody fighters forming a cheerleading pyramid with the little skirts and everything. I had to laugh. They just looked at me kinda funny.

Stephenie
 
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