Here's a piece of mine published a few years back in our newspaper for a special Mother's Day edition when Who Wants to be a Millionaire was popular:
LET'S PLAY: WHO WANTS TO BE A MOTHER?
Hi. I'm Regis Philbin and it's time to play Who Wants to be a Mother?
Our ten contestants have been flown here from all over the United States. They ALL think they have what it takes to be a mother. Well, we'll find out, won't we? They are: Della Drinksalot from Delaware, Harriet Homebody from Hawaii, Paula Pullsherhair-out from Pennsylvania, Connie Cooksallday from Connecticut, Stella Singleton from South Carolina, Fannie Fertile from Florida, Ruthie Runsamuck from Rhode Island, Ima Uptothetask from Idaho, Kelly Kidsaregreat from Kansas and Warren Withmyex from Wisconsin. Hey, how'd he get in there? Let's begin with the Fastest Finger. Put the following events in the order in which they occur beginning with the most recent:
A. Baby gets his first tooth.
B. Baby spits his food all over his mother.
C. Baby tinkles on the potty for the first time.
D. Baby asks for the keys to the car.
The correct order is-- well, there is no correct order because, as we all know, babies are very individual in their development. Therefore, I'll just have to CHOOSE someone to be in the hotseat. Let's see, how about you, Della Drinksalot. Hi, Della."
"Hi, Regis."
"Ready to play Who Wants To Be A Mother?"
"I guess so."
"You don't sound so sure."
"I could use a drink right now." (She sips from her glass.) "Hey, this is WATER!"
"Okay, Della, pull yourself together. LET'S PLAY! (Loud music issues forth) Here's your first question which is worth a box of diapers: According to the popular nursery rhyme, Jack and Jill Went Up the Hill to fetch what?
A. A stick.
B. A pail of water.
C. A bone.
D. Timmy and Lassie.
Well, Della, what's your answer?"
"Ooh, ooh, I know this one. A six pack!"
"No, I'm sorry, that's not right. In fact, it isn't even one of the choices. You can go now, Della. Okay, let's do another Fastest Finger. Put these events in the order in which they occur in a toddler's mother's day, beginning with the most frequent:
A. A trip to McDonald's.
B. A trip to the bathroom.
C. A trip to the grocery store.
D. A trip over some toys.
Oops, once again there is NO correct answer. Individual mothers may vary
in their responses. That's okay, I'll just select another contestant. How about someone from Rhode Island; I think that's somewhere on the East Coast. Come on up here Ruthie Runsamuck!"
“Hi, Regis!"
"Hello, Ruthie. Want to win those diapers?"
“Sure.”
"LET'S PLAY! For that superduper box of diapers, here's your question: If you're the mother of a preschooler, the most common word you hear is: A. Why?
B. No!
C. More!
D. Gimme!
What d'ya think, Ruthie?"
"Hmm, I don't know. I hear ALL of those."
"Close enough! You get the diapers! Let's move on to the next prize. For a family dinner at McDonald's, complete this sentence: Having a root canal is easier than:
A. Getting kids up for school each morning.
B. Getting kids to go to bed at night.
C. Getting kids to clean their rooms.
D. All of the above.
Ruthie?"
"I'll go with D."
"Right you are! You're on a roll, Ruthie! And you haven't even had to use a lifeline! If you keep answering correctly, you COULD go all the way up to the TOP PRIZE!"
"You mean ONE MILLION DOLLARS?"
"No, that's a different game. The top prize here is LOAF FOR A DAY. You get to lie on the couch while your husband does all the housework and takes care of the kids.”
“Wow! That sounds great to me.”
“Great! Now, let's play for the next prize--A six-month supply of toothpaste, soap, shampoo, tissues, cough medicine and Tylenol. The expression most used by teenagers is:
A. Not now!
B. Mom, you're embarrassing me!
C. Stay out of my room!
D. ##@$%* You!
Well, Ruthie?"
“Hmm. I think I’m gonna have to use a lifeline for this one. I want to phone a friend."
"Okay. Who are you going to call??"
"My psychiatrist."
"O-kay. You know what, Ruthie, let's just give you the prize. In fact, let's just say you've won it all! You've got what it takes to be a mother!"
"I do?"
"Absolutely! You seem to have all the answers, or at least most of them. Plus, you know who to turn to for a lifeline if you're stuck.
Well, that's all the time we have. If you want to play at home, you can
order our game on-line at: amomneedsto-remain.com. Thanks for playing!"