What's your worst line (so far)?

Beatrice’s image is burned in the back of his brain.

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wooo wooo wooo it's the cliche police...

This one is bothering me something fierce.

They were smudged with dirt, and the youngest looked about as sad as anyone he'd ever seen.

Seeing it like that shows me at least one problem with the sentence already. *sigh*

She was growing more agitated, and Sarah took pity on the poor old woman.

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a) It really doesn't make sense. and should be so. Commas hate me. And agitated is the descriptor I chose to use for a woman who was just told her daughter is dead, becomes upset that her daughter ODed after being clean so long, and then is relieved/destroyed to find out it was actually murder.
b) "poor old woman"?!?! Am I five years old? I can't find something less cliched, more descriptive, and slightly more original than poor old woman?
c) I am lame.

I was going to choose another sentence, but this one was not to be outdone:

It was like spotting an endangered bird perched in a tree on the way to pick up the mail, so rare was his toothy grin.

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Jiloa, WHAT? LOL!

He might be a short, 60-something, balding Italian man, but standing in the family kitchen, with the same fading yellow wallpaper as they day they moved in, she could almost see a child in his place.


Wow.. how many commas can a tired woman write? LOL

Jiloa-
It took me a couple re-reads, but I eventually got it. I like it. As a 'worst line' it has character.

Somehow, he had breezed into her life like an unwelcome infection, shivers, fever, and all.

Um, I was trying to convey some kind of romantic tension, but this is just wrong in so many ways. :facepalm:

WittyandorIronic - Glad you eventually got it. Mind explaining it to me?

Shady Lane - I know it's convoluted, and I have no reasonable excuse for it.

I will confess. It bugged me so much I rewrote it.

I know, I know. Silence the inner editor. But she's nasty. Even gagged and tied to a chair, she can immobilize me if I don't let her have at least a little say.

I do shut her up when she tells me how bad I am.

Can I post all the sentences I wrote here?

Jiloa, your endangered birds pick up the mail?

Mine's already posted, actually, in the first three lines thread. At least, if it's not the worst, I don't want to keep looking any further.

The boy-child scowled up at Kian, the cat-stripes on his face twisting into fierce alien designs, with none of the reverence he ought to have shown to a Polestar of the ship, the son of Jitae Polestar.

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I also keep getting stuck on words. The first session it was "brilliant"; this evening it seems to be "insisted." Wonder what that says about me...

(said by one of many victims of a vampire, immediately after her staking)
Now we're free. Right on, man.

*sigh*

AnnieColleen said:

Jiloa, your endangered birds pick up the mail?

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I don't know why, but they insist.

The rippling muscles that spanned his chest reminded her of a snake coiling over a solid victim, quivering in its last moments of life.


I read over that like..."Seriously, madam? Were you half asleep when you typed that one up?"

DarkDesireX said:

The rippling muscles that spanned his chest reminded her of a snake coiling over a solid victim, quivering in its last moments of life.


I read over that like..."Seriously, madam? Were you half asleep when you typed that one up?"

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Those are some scary ass muscles!

Hahah, Katie made me laugh out loud.

Like Hemingway, I love short sentences.

They vary greatly in their variety.

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And I'm not even asleep!

Ooh, this one is really ugly:

But gooseflesh covered the exposed skin of his arms, and he was shaking from head to toe from the cold and the adrenaline surge.

Cliched and crappy. Go me!

The skate boarder stole my purse.

I didn't know that was going to happen in the second chapter. Ah well, that's at least a 500 - 750 word action scene that will get me to my intended final draft word count 0f 75,000 to 80 thousand

I would be posting some lines, but there's an absolute rule I follow: I never read anything I've written for NaNo until editing starts -- oh, about two years from now.

Otherwise, I'd fill up a complete page here with those loose-finger witicisms and wackyisms I manage to wring out of my brain. There's a lot of them.

This is the latest one of many that made me step back and ask myself, what did I write that for.

Enjoy!

[FONT=&quot]So I lean back and make obvious looking motions.[/FONT]

How such a callous fiend could be housed in such cool perfection was beyond her.

Really? No, really? In what universe is that sentence okay?

The young woman's eyes scanned each page with growing interest, occasionally picking up a yellow highlighter that sat beside her, removing the cap anxiously, and marking some obviously-memorable statement.

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Why? WHY would I write that?