Gah!
Now it's happened to me.
I woke up this morning, poured a cup of coffee and checked my email. My private email. The one I only share with Paris Hilton. Somehow, THIS PIECE OF GARBAGE showed up.
I feel so unclean. The only way I can purge this from my system is by posting it here. But as I do, I want to make perfectly clear to anyone reading:
I.Did.Not.Write.This.
#
Bewildered? Confused? Perhaps you should first check out Chapter 1 and Chapter 2.
#
RT didn’t like being bothered while he was at work. You’d think that was odd, being as he operated a magic shop, but that business was only a front. His real money making enterprise was running the icanhazcheezeburger trade in the back of the building. It was more addictive than crack and twice as profitable.
“No, no new avatars today,” Jay said.
“Hmmm...how about something from the obsolete shelf? I really would like to get rid of that stuff,” RT said as he transformed into a blurry looking cartoon character. “Here, take a peek at what I got on sale.”
Haggis and Jay sighed, resolved to the fact they’d have to buy something. Even though everyone in AbsoluteWriteville knew Thunder’s Magic Shop was just a front, he maintained the appearance of being a ‘legitimate’ businessman.
“Crap.” Haggis muttered.
“No, some of it looks interesting,” Jay replied. She always had her eye open for weird stuff to display in the Comedy Cabaret. Heck, she had bought most of her best patrons from the bargain shelf here. “What’s that odd looking thing over to the right?”
“Ah! That’s a rare piece,” RT replied as he took the item and placed it on the counter. “It’s a Pete Tzinsky bobblehead. Quite rare to find around these parts nowadays, but it was a favorite years ago.”
Haggis placed a paw on the figurine’s head. –That’ll be five bucks-, it replied.
“How droll,” Haggis said as he quickly withdrew his paw.
“I’ll take it!” Jay said, her eyes bugging out with wonder. “What else you got?”
“Um...Jay? We’re not here to shop. We’re here for information.”
“Yeah, you’re right,” Jay sighed. “Thunder, Mel’s disappeared. We’ve heard Ben Panced is back in town and we suspect a rudely hatched nefarious plot.”
“Plot Device wouldn’t be involved in a conspiracy. She’s just misunderstood.”
“It’s an expression, RT,” Haggis said.
RT reached across the counter and stuffed Haggis deeper into Jaycinth’s cleavage. “Quiet, boob.” RT and Haggis had a bit of history between them. They were in business together at one time but the partnership broke up. Nobody really knew the details of why this happened, but Haggis and RT made regular attempts on each other’s life.
“Enough, you two. Thunder, you know a lot of what goes on in the dark alleys around here. What have you heard about Ben Panced?”
“Very well,” RT sighed, realizing Jay wasn’t going to buy anything more today. “Follow me.”
Jay followed RT to a large ornate door with the letters ‘SSNEMR’ emblazoned in gold above.
“Just a sec, gotta give my security team instructions,” RT said as he grasped the doorknob. “Robeiae, keep an eye on the counter. Anis, go find Quikwit and shake him down for that twenty bucks he owes me.”
“Can I twist his ears and pull his whiskers?” Anis mischievously grinned.
“I’d expect nothing less. And...Susie?” RT glared, “Watch the door and –don’t- kill anyone, got it?”
Susie nodded and smiled sweetly. Who would ever expect a malicious killer lurked beneath such a gentle façade.
“Ten gets you twenty I find a body when I return,” RT muttered as he opened the door. “Hopefully, it will be Rob’s.”
“Hey!” Haggis said as his head popped up from Jay’s cleavage. “This is the Super Secret Non-existent Mod Room! How come you have a private entrance?”
“It wasn’t my idea. Apparently, Mac thinks I need extra supervision. She sends Jenna in to check on me regularly. Her wrathy eyebrows are intimidating.”
Jay and Haggis shuddered in agreement as they followed RT to his workstation.
RT seated himself in front of the SuperMod-Super-Secret-Fascist-Jackboot-9000; the evil computer used to thwart free speech and control thoughts in AbsoluteWriteville. “Now, let’s see what we got on Ben Panced.”
“How come you have a cute bunny screen saver?” Haggis asked.
“Don’t judge me. And don’t touch my –Most Approachable Moderator Award 2008-, I just polished it.”
RT clicked the mouse and the computer screen whirled to life, revealing dozens of files tracking the hooligans who populated the village.
RT pointed at a leather futon. “Might as well have a seat. Ben’s file takes awhile to upload.”
Jay pulled Haggis from her cleavage and dropped him on a cushion, then sat down beside him.
“Have you ever been in the SuperMod section before?” Haggis whispered.
Jay shook her head in silent reply. She observed the activity going on about the room; Dpaterso was playing with the dust flitting through a sunbeam from a nearby window; Birol was filing her nails as Dawno clacked at her bannination button in an endless chorus of bloodletting.
“Feeling melancholy, Jay?” Haggis asked.
“Yes. It’s such a beautiful sight to see so few passing such misery onto others,” Jay replied as a tear of joy coursed down her right cheek.
“Okay, the file’s up,” RT said. “My-my... Ben has been busy. It appears his investment in seeriel stock has paid off. He’s loaded.”
“That’s odd. He never drank much in the Cabaret. At least, not enough to get him loaded,” Haggis said
“I’m talking about his investments, you dork.”
“Oh. Never mind.”
Jay stood up and peered at the computer monitor. “Say, what’s this here? There’s a huge order of armadillo road kill ordered for the Annual Los Angeles Sauerkraut Packer's Union's Annual Conference.”
RT clicked on the tab, bringing the entire file into view. “It appears Ben has ordered several cases of diseased chicken lungs, too. And crankcase oil. What’s up with that?”
“Deep fried Buffalo Chicken Lungs is Mel’s specialty,” Jay breathed as she placed her hands on RT’s desk and leaned closer to the monitor. “Ben loves Mel’s lungs.”
“Yours aren’t too shabby either,” RT said, his eyes locked on Jay’s ample bosom.
“Hey! Hey hey hey! Keep your eyes on the monitor, prevert!” Haggis growled.
“Okay, okay. No need to get angsty. So, Jay, you think this has something to do with Mel’s disappearance?”
“You bet your sweet disheveled nightcap I do. This can only mean Ben is planning something big.”
“You mean, like a banquet?” Haggis asked.
Jay grabbed Haggis and stuffed him down her cleavage. “Quiet, I have to think.”
“Uh can’t breaf.”
“So, how long before he suffocates, Jay?” RT said.
“Ten, maybe fifteen minutes. It depends on how much he sweats. My leather bra shrinks quickly when it gets wet.”
RT looked at his desk. “Damn. I need to keep some bottled water around here. Opportunities like this don’t come often.”
“Forget that, RT. Ben’s planning something besides a banquet. Using Mel’s cooking means there will be murder involved.”
“Hmmm...there’s not much more here I can help you with. Whatever he’s planning is being kept well hidden. Much like Haggis, right now.”
Jay grabbed the Chihuahua’s feet, yanked him from her bra, tossed him into the air and grabbed him by the neck as he rocketed back down towards the floor. She deftly stuffed him back in her cleavage so only his head was visible.
“Thanks, Jay,” Haggis breathed. “My life was flashing before my eyes.”
“Your eyes are always flashing.”
“Well, yeah. That’s true.”
“Alright, it’s time for me to get back to work,” RT said as he clicked a key, returning the monitor to a screen of cute fluffy bunny rabbits. “I suggest you go visit Soccer Mom’s Coffee House of Pain. You know, beside the arcade she runs on the other side of town.”
“Is she working undercover in the Fangster’s gang?” Jay said.
“Not that I’m aware of. She just likes to hang out with ne’er do wells. You know how lawyers are. They’re not as bad as accountants, but they practice some rather odd vices.”
“Hey! I’m an accountant!” Jay growled.
“Well, if you have an hour to spare and want to plead your case I can pull up a list of all the stuff you’ve instigated in the Cabaret.”
“Gee, look at the time. We really should be going,” Jay smiled. “No need to get up, RT. I’ll show myself out.”
RT watched as Jay raced to the door, opened it, and disappeared. He smiled as he picked up the telephone receiver and punched in three digits: six-six-six.
“Yeah, it's me. They just left. They’re heading to the Playhouse. Right. Okay. Kisses and hugs to you, too.”
RT hung up the phone and leaned back in his chair. “Pity. Jay was such a nice woman. I leiked her.”
#
Will Susie kill Robeiae?
Will Ben Panced's rudely hatched nefarious plot be stopped?
Will Jenna's wrathy eyebrows destroy the planet?
Will Susie kill Robeiae?
Tune in again next week, same time, same place for Chapter 4.
Now it's happened to me.
I woke up this morning, poured a cup of coffee and checked my email. My private email. The one I only share with Paris Hilton. Somehow, THIS PIECE OF GARBAGE showed up.
I feel so unclean. The only way I can purge this from my system is by posting it here. But as I do, I want to make perfectly clear to anyone reading:
I.Did.Not.Write.This.
#
Bewildered? Confused? Perhaps you should first check out Chapter 1 and Chapter 2.
#
RT didn’t like being bothered while he was at work. You’d think that was odd, being as he operated a magic shop, but that business was only a front. His real money making enterprise was running the icanhazcheezeburger trade in the back of the building. It was more addictive than crack and twice as profitable.
“No, no new avatars today,” Jay said.
“Hmmm...how about something from the obsolete shelf? I really would like to get rid of that stuff,” RT said as he transformed into a blurry looking cartoon character. “Here, take a peek at what I got on sale.”
Haggis and Jay sighed, resolved to the fact they’d have to buy something. Even though everyone in AbsoluteWriteville knew Thunder’s Magic Shop was just a front, he maintained the appearance of being a ‘legitimate’ businessman.
“Crap.” Haggis muttered.
“No, some of it looks interesting,” Jay replied. She always had her eye open for weird stuff to display in the Comedy Cabaret. Heck, she had bought most of her best patrons from the bargain shelf here. “What’s that odd looking thing over to the right?”
“Ah! That’s a rare piece,” RT replied as he took the item and placed it on the counter. “It’s a Pete Tzinsky bobblehead. Quite rare to find around these parts nowadays, but it was a favorite years ago.”
Haggis placed a paw on the figurine’s head. –That’ll be five bucks-, it replied.
“How droll,” Haggis said as he quickly withdrew his paw.
“I’ll take it!” Jay said, her eyes bugging out with wonder. “What else you got?”
“Um...Jay? We’re not here to shop. We’re here for information.”
“Yeah, you’re right,” Jay sighed. “Thunder, Mel’s disappeared. We’ve heard Ben Panced is back in town and we suspect a rudely hatched nefarious plot.”
“Plot Device wouldn’t be involved in a conspiracy. She’s just misunderstood.”
“It’s an expression, RT,” Haggis said.
RT reached across the counter and stuffed Haggis deeper into Jaycinth’s cleavage. “Quiet, boob.” RT and Haggis had a bit of history between them. They were in business together at one time but the partnership broke up. Nobody really knew the details of why this happened, but Haggis and RT made regular attempts on each other’s life.
“Enough, you two. Thunder, you know a lot of what goes on in the dark alleys around here. What have you heard about Ben Panced?”
“Very well,” RT sighed, realizing Jay wasn’t going to buy anything more today. “Follow me.”
Jay followed RT to a large ornate door with the letters ‘SSNEMR’ emblazoned in gold above.
“Just a sec, gotta give my security team instructions,” RT said as he grasped the doorknob. “Robeiae, keep an eye on the counter. Anis, go find Quikwit and shake him down for that twenty bucks he owes me.”
“Can I twist his ears and pull his whiskers?” Anis mischievously grinned.
“I’d expect nothing less. And...Susie?” RT glared, “Watch the door and –don’t- kill anyone, got it?”
Susie nodded and smiled sweetly. Who would ever expect a malicious killer lurked beneath such a gentle façade.
“Ten gets you twenty I find a body when I return,” RT muttered as he opened the door. “Hopefully, it will be Rob’s.”
“Hey!” Haggis said as his head popped up from Jay’s cleavage. “This is the Super Secret Non-existent Mod Room! How come you have a private entrance?”
“It wasn’t my idea. Apparently, Mac thinks I need extra supervision. She sends Jenna in to check on me regularly. Her wrathy eyebrows are intimidating.”
Jay and Haggis shuddered in agreement as they followed RT to his workstation.
RT seated himself in front of the SuperMod-Super-Secret-Fascist-Jackboot-9000; the evil computer used to thwart free speech and control thoughts in AbsoluteWriteville. “Now, let’s see what we got on Ben Panced.”
“How come you have a cute bunny screen saver?” Haggis asked.
“Don’t judge me. And don’t touch my –Most Approachable Moderator Award 2008-, I just polished it.”
RT clicked the mouse and the computer screen whirled to life, revealing dozens of files tracking the hooligans who populated the village.
RT pointed at a leather futon. “Might as well have a seat. Ben’s file takes awhile to upload.”
Jay pulled Haggis from her cleavage and dropped him on a cushion, then sat down beside him.
“Have you ever been in the SuperMod section before?” Haggis whispered.
Jay shook her head in silent reply. She observed the activity going on about the room; Dpaterso was playing with the dust flitting through a sunbeam from a nearby window; Birol was filing her nails as Dawno clacked at her bannination button in an endless chorus of bloodletting.
“Feeling melancholy, Jay?” Haggis asked.
“Yes. It’s such a beautiful sight to see so few passing such misery onto others,” Jay replied as a tear of joy coursed down her right cheek.
“Okay, the file’s up,” RT said. “My-my... Ben has been busy. It appears his investment in seeriel stock has paid off. He’s loaded.”
“That’s odd. He never drank much in the Cabaret. At least, not enough to get him loaded,” Haggis said
“I’m talking about his investments, you dork.”
“Oh. Never mind.”
Jay stood up and peered at the computer monitor. “Say, what’s this here? There’s a huge order of armadillo road kill ordered for the Annual Los Angeles Sauerkraut Packer's Union's Annual Conference.”
RT clicked on the tab, bringing the entire file into view. “It appears Ben has ordered several cases of diseased chicken lungs, too. And crankcase oil. What’s up with that?”
“Deep fried Buffalo Chicken Lungs is Mel’s specialty,” Jay breathed as she placed her hands on RT’s desk and leaned closer to the monitor. “Ben loves Mel’s lungs.”
“Yours aren’t too shabby either,” RT said, his eyes locked on Jay’s ample bosom.
“Hey! Hey hey hey! Keep your eyes on the monitor, prevert!” Haggis growled.
“Okay, okay. No need to get angsty. So, Jay, you think this has something to do with Mel’s disappearance?”
“You bet your sweet disheveled nightcap I do. This can only mean Ben is planning something big.”
“You mean, like a banquet?” Haggis asked.
Jay grabbed Haggis and stuffed him down her cleavage. “Quiet, I have to think.”
“Uh can’t breaf.”
“So, how long before he suffocates, Jay?” RT said.
“Ten, maybe fifteen minutes. It depends on how much he sweats. My leather bra shrinks quickly when it gets wet.”
RT looked at his desk. “Damn. I need to keep some bottled water around here. Opportunities like this don’t come often.”
“Forget that, RT. Ben’s planning something besides a banquet. Using Mel’s cooking means there will be murder involved.”
“Hmmm...there’s not much more here I can help you with. Whatever he’s planning is being kept well hidden. Much like Haggis, right now.”
Jay grabbed the Chihuahua’s feet, yanked him from her bra, tossed him into the air and grabbed him by the neck as he rocketed back down towards the floor. She deftly stuffed him back in her cleavage so only his head was visible.
“Thanks, Jay,” Haggis breathed. “My life was flashing before my eyes.”
“Your eyes are always flashing.”
“Well, yeah. That’s true.”
“Alright, it’s time for me to get back to work,” RT said as he clicked a key, returning the monitor to a screen of cute fluffy bunny rabbits. “I suggest you go visit Soccer Mom’s Coffee House of Pain. You know, beside the arcade she runs on the other side of town.”
“Is she working undercover in the Fangster’s gang?” Jay said.
“Not that I’m aware of. She just likes to hang out with ne’er do wells. You know how lawyers are. They’re not as bad as accountants, but they practice some rather odd vices.”
“Hey! I’m an accountant!” Jay growled.
“Well, if you have an hour to spare and want to plead your case I can pull up a list of all the stuff you’ve instigated in the Cabaret.”
“Gee, look at the time. We really should be going,” Jay smiled. “No need to get up, RT. I’ll show myself out.”
RT watched as Jay raced to the door, opened it, and disappeared. He smiled as he picked up the telephone receiver and punched in three digits: six-six-six.
“Yeah, it's me. They just left. They’re heading to the Playhouse. Right. Okay. Kisses and hugs to you, too.”
RT hung up the phone and leaned back in his chair. “Pity. Jay was such a nice woman. I leiked her.”
#
Will Susie kill Robeiae?
Will Ben Panced's rudely hatched nefarious plot be stopped?
Will Jenna's wrathy eyebrows destroy the planet?
Will Susie kill Robeiae?
Tune in again next week, same time, same place for Chapter 4.
