Verses of the Stipid Darf...

Christine N. · May 3, 2005

OK all, here it is. Feel free to write your own Anti PA poetry here. Purblish America is fair game. This is kinda like the "Lord of the Prance" but of a more poetic nature.

Feel free to include your favorite zobmi until they resonate.

And you all know this is supposed to be "Verses of the Stipid Darf, right?" Me and my fingers, just wanna type the word the RIGHT way.

Ken Schneider · May 3, 2005

I almost darfed,

on my keyboard that night,

when I read your e-mail, that didn't

Resonate just right.

You threatened, you tried to

intimidate me.

I laughed so hard I had to go pee.

I returned a note, to you

the next day.

You sent me another, you didn't

understand what I said, unintelligible you

frothed, it scaled sixth grade.

I’ve had a thought, when I e-mail you next.

I’ll try to use Dick, and Jane toddler text.

Sher2 · May 3, 2005

Round about the townhouse go;
In the poison'd entrails throw.
Stooge, that under cold stone
Days and nights has thirty-one
Swelter'd venom sleeping got,
Boil thou first i' the charmed pot.

Double, double toil and trouble;
Fire burn, and cauldron bubble.

Fillet of a Larry snake,
In the cauldron boil and bake;
Eye of Shemp and toe of frog,
Wool of Curlem and tongue of dog,
Adder's fork and Moe-randa's sting,
Lizard's leg and owlet's wing,
For a book of powerful trouble,
Like a hell-broth, PA, boil and bubble.

ResearchGuy · May 3, 2005

Ooops. I did not see this thread and started a redundant one. Hopefully The Powers That Be will make it go away.

Meanwhile:

Once upon a midnight clear
It came to me, a vision,
On flittering wings, oh yes!
It came to me, a decision.
Overhearing angelic whispers
No less! I must confess!
At last, my true destiny
Is now to have another beer.

--Ken

DreamWeaver · May 3, 2005

Sher2 said:
[it killed me, but I snipped it for brevity]
For a book of powerful trouble,
Like a hell-broth, PA, boil and bubble.

This is great. This really resonates with me, and you KNOW it fits my specialty like a glove! My aurora is tingling with happiness. No, wait, that's my athlete's foot. Never mind...

Kris

DreamWeaver · May 3, 2005

PA Haikus

A book with PA
A sharp stick poking my eye
Which hurts me the most?

My book at PA
One dollar starts the edit
The spell checker hums

PA has my book
But when I ask, the bookstore
Denies all knowledge

Too high a price tag
Quality below standards
PA strikes again

Caged book cannot fly
A return policy would
Unfetter its wings

No one reads my book
Do you think my publisher
Took me for a ride?

Author insult team
Hides under the bed of woe
Who takes that tone now?

Sher2 · May 4, 2005

DreamWeaver said:
Author insult team
Hides under the bed of woe
Who takes that tone now?

Whoever had the Haiku Crown before, it's now yours!

ResearchGuy · May 4, 2005

And now, the novel

Proving that I have way too much time on my hands, kindly consider adding a chapter to

Darf Spline Verses the Stipid Zobmis

A Novel

www.umbachconsulting.com/DarfSpline.pdf

The only rule is to pick it up where it left off and run with it for a (short) chapter. Gotta do this one at a time, though, so take a number.

Here is the precis:

Intrepid adventurer Darf Spline journeys across space, time, and alternate dimensions in his quest to vanquish the rhyme-averse Stipid Zobmis. Enter a world where things are not as they seem, except for the stuff that is as it seems just because some stuff has to be ordinary or it is too hard to keep the story straight.

Darf’s most fearsome weapon (to the rhyme-averse Zobmis, but not to anyone else or the story would not work very well) is the rhyming couplet, kinda like Richard Wilbur’s translation of Moliere’s Tartuffe, or like The Rape of the Lock or An Essay on Man by Alexander Pope. Maybe not REAL rhyming couplets for Darf, which are kind of a lot of work, but you know, two lines that rhyme. Or pretty much rhyme. Enough to annoy the Stipid Zobmis.

I have written (to use the term loosely) Chapter 1.

--Ken

robeiae · May 4, 2005

ResearchGuy said:
Darf Spline Verses the Stipid Zobmis

A Novel

Intrepid adventurer Darf Spline journeys across space, time, and alternate dimensions in his quest to vanquish the rhyme-averse Stipid Zobmis. Enter a world where things are not as they seem, except for the stuff that is as it seems just because some stuff has to be ordinary or it is too hard to keep the story straight.

Why am I thinking of Buckaroo Banzai? Is this trademark infringement?

To plublish or not to plublish
That is the question
Whether 'tis nobler to spline
Or to review in kind
To read the stipid thread
And listen to the Dead
To rejoice for the free five
And ignore the grumbling hive
To sell mine work at door
Since it's not in any store
To lie for seven years
Try to cover all my tears
But plublished author am I!
(though the Stooges may yet fry)

Rob

DreamWeaver · May 4, 2005

ResearchGuy said:
I have written (to use the term loosely) Chapter 1.

OMG, Ken, I think you are the new sentence-length king! In fact, I am almost positive you've beaten the record set by the famous championship tag team of James Fenimore Cooper and Charlotte Brontë in the hotly contested Victorian Descriptive Surfeit Sentence Length Grudge Match of 18XX against the legendary and previously undefeated triumvirate of William Makepeace Thackeray, George Eliot, and Charles Dickens.

Translation: Way to go!

Kris
PS. How does one add on to a .pdf?

ResearchGuy · May 4, 2005

DreamWeaver said:
...Translation: Way to go!

Kris
PS. How does one add on to a .pdf?

Gracias. Periods are so overrated.

As for adding to pdf: I can add to the Word file and then make a new pdf and reupload. (Those who choose to play can email me a contribution. But to make it work, each new contributor should be building on all that has gone before. A foundation of sand, of course ...) But if folks want, I can post the .doc file and they can roll their own. There are ways to concatenate pdfs, but I have never learned how.

--Ken

DreamWeaver · May 4, 2005

ResearchGuy said:
As for adding to pdf: I can add to the Word file and then make a new pdf and reupload.

Understand. I may take a stab at it, when my wrist comes out of traction; I think I hurt it on that last sentence.

Kris

ResearchGuy · May 4, 2005

Visual aid: artist's impression

A Stipid Zobmi. Or Stipid Zobmi's dog Shemp.

--Ken

Sher2 · May 4, 2005

Thieves that hath suck'd the honey of thy novel,
Hath had no power yet upon thy beauty:
Thou art not conquer'd; beauty's ensign yet
Is crimson in thy pages, and in thy cover,
And Death's pale flag is dollar advanced there.

Shemp, ly'st thou there in thy bloody sheet?
O, what more perfidy can you do to me,
Than with that hand that cut thy royalties in twain,
To sunder his that was thine enemy?
Forgive me, art! Ah, dear novel,
Why art thou yet so fair! I will believe
That unsubstantiated sale is amorous;
And that the lean abhorred Frederick monster keeps
Thee here in dark to be his paramour.

For fear of that, I will stay still with thee;
And never from this townhouse of dim night
Depart again: here, here will I remain
With worms that are thy printers; O, here
Will I be their everlasting pest;
And shake the yoke of inauspicious stars
From this world-wearied flesh -- Eyes, look your last!

Arms, take your last embrace! and lips, O you
The doors of breath, seal with a righteous kiss
A resonant bargain to darfing death!
Come, bitter ladder, come unsavoury echelon!
Thou desperate pirate, now at once run on
The dashing rocks my sea-sick weary aurora!
Here's to my novel!--[Drinks.] O, true apothecary!
Thy Arsenic Zobmis are quick.--Thus with a wink I drink."

Ken Schneider · May 4, 2005

HEY! yes you, Ken. How do you post a picture in your message. I'm web savvy challenged.

ResearchGuy · May 4, 2005

changling said:
HEY! yes you, Ken. How do you post a picture in your message. I'm web savvy challenged.

Since someone (Jenna, I think) took pity on me and explained that recently, allow me to pass the favor along. Click on the little postcard/mountainy image above the text box, in the same row with the B and I and U and other formatting stuff, a little to the right of the middle of that row. Then plug in the URL when the javascript box pops up. (You have to have the image posted on a website.) You should see the image start to load immediately.

--Ken

DreamWeaver · May 4, 2005

Sher2 said:
this townhouse of dim night

Obviously, this must be where they keep the bed of woe.

Friends, Romans, Authors, lend me your ears!
I come to bury PA, not to praise it.
The evil that a scam does lives after it,
That reputation oft besmears the author,
So let it not be with PA. The noble Jim
Hath told you that PA is dishonest.
It is so, and it is a grievous fault,
And grievously hath PA answer'd it.
Here, without leave of Shemp and the PA Stooges
(For the Stooges are stipid scammers,
So are they all, all stipid scammers)
Come I to speak to PA's innocent authors.
PA was never my friend, is faithful and just to none,
And Uncle Jim says it is a scam,
And unlike PA, Uncle Jim hath no reason to lie.
PA hath taken many captive authors home to Maryland,
Whose author purchases did the PA coffers fill.
Does this in PA seem honorable?
When that the authors hath cried, the stooges hath laughed.
They cheat the author who hath yet to learn PA's guff.
Yet Shemp says PA is not a scam,
And Shemp is an inveterate PA booster.
You all did see that on the PA board
Shemp twice did shuffle off this mortal coil.
Was this in Shemp true dealing?
Yet Nighty Lady says he was in danger.
And sure he was in danger: of being forgotten.
Listen to Uncle Jim, who says PA is a scam,
For Uncle Jim has no reason to lie.

Your turn.

Kris

Sher2 · May 4, 2005

DreamWeaver said:
Obviously, this must be where they keep the bed of woe.

Friends, Romans, Authors, lend me your ears!
I come to bury PA, not to praise it.
The evil that a scam does lives after it,

Your turn.

Et tu!

Give me a few minutes.

DreamWeaver · May 4, 2005

Sher2 said:
Et tu!
Give me a few minutes.

Take all night, I think between the Sentence Length Olympics and the Shakespeare Channeling Dash, my muse has fled until, oh, say...tomorrow.

I bet you're taking Hamlet. Are you taking Hamlet? I've got dibs on The Merchant of Venice (unless you've already started, of course.) EDIT: Oops, my stipid--the esteemed Robeiae already DID Hamlet. Robeiae, got another one?.

Do we need a Bard Parody thread?

Kris

DreamWeaver · May 4, 2005

ResearchGuy said:
A Stipid Zobmi. Or Stipid Zobmi's dog Shemp.

I'm sorry, Ken, but even with your clever Adobe [TM] PhotoShop [TM] manipulation, that is still WAY too cute to be a zobmi, stipid or otherwise.

Kris

Sher2 · May 4, 2005

DreamWeaver said:
Take all night, I think between the Sentence Length Olympics and the Shakespeare Channeling Dash, my muse has fled until, oh, say...tomorrow.

I bet you're taking Hamlet. Are you taking Hamlet? I've got dibs on The Merchant of Venice (unless you've already started, of course.) EDIT: Oops, my stipid--the esteemed Robeiae already DID Hamlet. Robeiae, got another one?.

Do we need a Bard Parody thread?

My muse stays gone half the time, so I'm on my own.

Wrong amundo! I grabbed Antony et Cleopatra. As such:

The pirate barge she sat in, like a burnish’d throne,
Burn’d on the water; the poop was of other peoples' gold;
Black the sails, and so perfumed that
The winds barely carried the stench; the oars were silver,
Which to the tune of keyboards kept stroke, and made
The water which they beat to follow faster,
As amorous of their strokes. For Miranda's own person,
It beggar’d all description.

DreamWeaver · May 4, 2005

Sher2 said:
...It beggar’d all description.

Man, ain't THAT the truth!

To continue with the same play:

Newbie: What manner o' thing is your PA author?
Stooge: It is shap'd, sir, like itself, and it is as broad as it hath breadth. It is just so high as it is, and buys its own books with its own money. It giveth us profit by that which giveth it hope, and the money once out of it, it transmigrates.
Newbie: What color is it?
Stooge: Of its own color, too.
Newbie: 'Tis a wonderful source of wealth.
Stooge: 'Tis so, and the tears of it are wet.

[With my apologies to the crocodile that starred in the original]

Kris

Sher2 · May 4, 2005

DreamWeaver said:
Newbie: What manner o' thing is your PA author?
Stooge: It is shap'd, sir, like itself, and it is as broad as it hath breadth. It is just so high as it is, and buys its own books with its own money. It giveth us profit by that which giveth it hope, and the money once out of it, it transmigrates.
Newbie: What color is it?
Stooge: Of its own color, too.
Newbie: 'Tis a wonderful source of wealth.
Stooge: 'Tis so, and the tears of it are wet.

[With my apologies to the crocodile that starred in the original]

The crocodile will get over it. They're tough, you know.

Moving on -- snippets from Twelfth Night:

Many a good Googling prevents a bad scamming.
(Trust me, I like the original much better.

)

If books be the food of love, write on;
Give me excess of it, that, surfeiting,
The appetite may sicken, and so die.
That PA again! it had a dying fall:
O, it came o'er my nose like the vile smell
That breathes upon a naive author,
Stealing and giving odour!

If PA were played upon a stage now, I could condemn it as an improbable fiction.

I'll be revenged on the whole pack of you, churlish Stooges.

'Tis evil, truly bent, whose black aurora
Poz's own stinking, cunning hand laid on:
Lady Moe, you are the cruell'st she alive
If you will lead these novels to the grave
And leave the world no copy.

Ken Schneider · May 4, 2005

ResearchGuy said:
Since someone (Jenna, I think) took pity on me and explained that recently, allow me to pass the favor along. Click on the little postcard/mountainy image above the text box, in the same row with the B and I and U and other formatting stuff, a little to the right of the middle of that row. Then plug in the URL when the javascript box pops up. (You have to have the image posted on a website.) You should see the image start to load immediately.

--Ken

Thanks Ken.
Ken

ResearchGuy · May 4, 2005

DreamWeaver said:
I'm sorry, Ken, but even with your clever Adobe [TM] PhotoShop [TM] manipulation, that is still WAY too cute to be a zobmi, stipid or otherwise.

Well, sure, with the FANGS retracted.

--Ken

Verses of the Stipid Darf...

haz a shiny new book cover

Absolute sagebrush

Auroraless ExPAtriate

Resident Curmudgeon

Shakespearean Fool

Shakespearean Fool

Auroraless ExPAtriate

Resident Curmudgeon

Touch and go

Shakespearean Fool

Resident Curmudgeon

Shakespearean Fool

Resident Curmudgeon

Auroraless ExPAtriate

Absolute sagebrush

Resident Curmudgeon

Shakespearean Fool

Auroraless ExPAtriate

Shakespearean Fool

Shakespearean Fool

Auroraless ExPAtriate

Shakespearean Fool

Auroraless ExPAtriate

Absolute sagebrush

Resident Curmudgeon