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EriRae
10-10-2008, 12:49 PM
I don't know if this belongs in TIO or if it'll stay here. I suppose if it ends up being controversial, a kind mod will move it.

I'm freaking out.

I got an e-mail Thursday morning from a girl who went to my high school. She was two years younger than me, and I don't remember getting along with her much, but she added me as a friend this summer on Myspace and I thought nothing of it.

Until I saw she was friends with my ex boyfriend.

I just figured that he was using her to spy on my page, which really doesn't bother me. I'm happy, I've moved on, and I'm sure that irritates him to no end. Until I got this e-mail:



Hey hope things are well with you. So do you remember XXXX XXXX, I guess you two dated for quite a while? I have been dating him since July. So he mentioned last night that you guys had a nasty break up in college, but he wouldn't elaborate. I just wanted to make sure he was not one of those guys that like hit you or something. He totally does not seem like the type, but you just never know these days.



Saying we had a nasty break-up is like saying the Holocaust killed some people.

Here's my response.



Oh honey...

He's the one I've blogged about.

He tried to kill me. No sh*t. He hit me twice while we were dating (slug fests, not just a one-slap thing), and once we broke up, the shit really hit the fan and he got angry that I went out to the bars with a couple of guys from his floor. So he threw me up against a wall, wrapped his hands around my throat and started to choke me. He heard the guys in the hallway pounding on the door (because I was screaming) and choked harder. They got the door open and pulled him off me.

He played the worst mindgames of any man I have ever known. He really f*cked me up and it took a couple of years of therapy for me to even trust walking alone at night. He beat me down so bad I got up fighting, and I've been fighting ever since. But that's me. I can't tell you much about him because I don't think I ever really knew him, and we dated for two and a half years.

He made me happy for awhile, but once I tried to have friends, especially guy friends, he wouldn't have it. Eventually, he cut me off from all my friends.

Oh. And he cheated on me. Twice.

Is he a different person? Probably. Is he someone I'd want around my kids? Never, but that's me.

I want him to find happiness, but I wish it would be with someone I don't know. I really hope he didn't start dating you just because you know me. He tried to do that in college.

*HUGS* I wish you the best, and if he's the best for you. . . that's your choice to make.




I had to say it. She's dating him, and she should know. At least, that's how I felt at the time. Now, I wish I'd kept my big mouth shut and told her to ask him about it, and keep me out of it.

If she dumps him, I'm afraid he'll come after me. For eight of the last ten years, I was able to relax because he'd moved to Denver, and then to New Orleans, and then back to Denver. Two years ago, he moved back to his hometown (nearby) and 45 minutes from ME. We're not easy to find, but he's persistent. And crazy. He tried to kill me with his hands before. I'm afraid he'll come after me with something more...permanent.

Do I think she'll dump him? Probably not. As I said, I didn't get along with this girl in high school, so she probably sees this as a challenge to succeed where I failed. My concern was for her toddler-aged daughter (hence the line about kids...I don't have children).

If she does dump him, I'm scared for her and for me. He doesn't handle rejection well.

I guess I'm venting here for two reasons. One, to get it off my chest. Two, I want a record, not only in my e-mail account, but also online where I have tons of witnesses. I'm tired of being afraid of him.

Judg
10-10-2008, 01:11 PM
Oh my goodness.

I wish I had something profound and wise to say, but I don't. Hang in there. Get as much local support as you can.

I'll pray.

Stlight
10-10-2008, 01:20 PM
ditto

JJ Cooper
10-10-2008, 01:21 PM
I'm very proud of you for this post, Erin. Sometimes when we keep things bottled up for too long it is detrimental.

I believe you have done the right thing and have said what needed to be said. Someone a lot smarter than me once said that for evil to thrive all it takes is good men (and women) to do nothing. It's hard to take a stand sometimes and sometimes there are risks associated with taking a stand.

I know that you are a very caring and wonderful woman. You've again demonstrated that by replying to the email. You didn't go out of your way to be spiteful and replied to that of which you were asked.

You've done the right thing.

JJ

EriRae
10-10-2008, 01:32 PM
Thanks, you guys.

Thanks, especially, JJ. I needed to hear that I did the right thing. I knew at the time, but now, silence seems so much more comfortable.

If something happened to her down the road and I said nothing, I wouldn't be able to live with myself. If something happens to me down the road because I said something . . . just know that I love you guys.

dpaterso
10-10-2008, 01:37 PM
Another shitty abusing coward bastard who doesn't deserve to be called a man!

Whoops, that just slipped out, sorry!

Wow Erin, and you let this keeper go?! What were you thinking?

-Derek

EriRae
10-10-2008, 01:46 PM
I wanted to live. :D

dpaterso
10-10-2008, 01:51 PM
I wanted to live. :D
Seems there's a selfish side to you I never knew existed!

Well, I can only hope he stays the hell away from you. If you haven't already, consider talking to your local community police and asking them for advice.

And I hope your new-found email buddy has the sense to change her name and get out of town.

-Derek

EriRae
10-10-2008, 02:01 PM
Oh...and I got a PM about the blog. My second or third blog on Myspace was about him, (ETA in July 07 or so) about what he'd done, and how he moved away, and then I felt safe and got Myspace only to find out he'd moved back HOME! And I was scared then, but nothing happened. I blogged about my anniversary w/ hubby in May, and my "e-mail buddy" congratulated me on nine years of marriage, so I think this has been going on longer than July.

Ken
10-10-2008, 02:19 PM
a girl I knew was in a similar situation with an ex. Enlisting the help of two friends I went and had a discussion, of sorts, with him. He never contacted her again. I'm not suggesting you do something like this, yourself, but it always is an option. // Good luck and stay strong.

kristie911
10-10-2008, 02:25 PM
Like Judg, I have nothing profound to say.

So I'll just send you a hug. :Hug2:

EriRae
10-10-2008, 02:28 PM
a girl I knew was in a similar situation with an ex. Enlisting the help of two friends I went and had a discussion, of sorts, with him. He never contacted her again. I'm not suggesting you do something like this, yourself, but it always is an option. // Good luck and stay strong.


If it would solve the problem, I would have someone beat him down in a heartbeat. In his sick, twisted mind, that would show him that I care, and that I need to be taught a lesson, because however much he hurts, I must hurt more.

The only person I care about here is that little innocent girl who may end up with him as a daddy.

astonwest
10-10-2008, 02:29 PM
Absolutely the right thing to do, to forewarn...

Alas, I don't think it will help the other woman to make the right choice...but it depends on the type of person she is. We attempted to convince my SIL that getting the crap beat out of her wasn't an appropriate way for someone to show their affection, and it ultimately took an attempted murder charge (putting him in jail) before it finally sunk in.

Stay safe!

Broadswordbabe
10-10-2008, 03:12 PM
I wish someone had done this for my sister before she married the drunken pillock she finally got rid of (though not before he'd put her and her kids through hell). You totally did the right thing, and maybe this girl will have the sense to listen - even if she doesn't, you tried.
I'd suggest phoning a women's shelter or domestic abuse advice line, and asking their advice on what to do if this guy shows any signs of turning up. They'll have lots of experience dealing with this kind of useless specimen, and can probably give you plenty of practical advice and numbers of other people to contact, legal options etc. Good luck, and well done you.

Cassiopeia
10-10-2008, 03:15 PM
Hi sweetie,

I just finished that horrific chapter in math and I came to read what you posted. Thank you for putting things into perspective for me.

I'm so sorry you are going through this again. I think people like him like to prey on our fears. I know its hard not to be terrified. I had someone once threaten me with a gun. Someone I knew very well.

Let me just say, in the town of Endicott in upstate New York, my brother (yes we are Italian) went to have a "chat" with the guy. I didn't see him after that. I didn't know that my brother had gone to do anything other than talk to him. Some of my friends told me that the "chat" got the message across and I was never bothered by him or anyone else that summer.

I'm not saying you should have someone go break his knee caps (why me? I'd never suggest that!)

I'm just sayin'. :D

Unique
10-10-2008, 03:16 PM
If something happened to her down the road and I said nothing, I wouldn't be able to live with myself. If something happens to me down the road because I said something . . . just know that I love you guys.

Erin -
You did the right thing. (All it takes for evil to prosper is for good (wo)men to do nothing.)
Your post was sincere and w/o any undue vitriol.
Hopefully she will work it out and ex-O-spazzo has moved on from you and won't bother you any more.

Be well.

EriRae
10-10-2008, 04:23 PM
I wish someone had done this for my sister before she married the drunken pillock she finally got rid of (though not before he'd put her and her kids through hell). You totally did the right thing, and maybe this girl will have the sense to listen - even if she doesn't, you tried.
I'd suggest phoning a women's shelter or domestic abuse advice line, and asking their advice on what to do if this guy shows any signs of turning up. They'll have lots of experience dealing with this kind of useless specimen, and can probably give you plenty of practical advice and numbers of other people to contact, legal options etc. Good luck, and well done you.


Wow--I never even thought about the women's shelter. I will definitely check into it.

EriRae
10-10-2008, 04:26 PM
Cassi--teehee. I hope Unique is right, and he won't bother me any more.

rhymegirl
10-10-2008, 04:32 PM
If someone tries to kill you, shouldn't they be in jail???

Jersey Chick
10-10-2008, 04:33 PM
No real words of advice, but {{{HUGS}}} - you did the right thing, absolutely.

EriRae
10-10-2008, 04:36 PM
If someone tries to kill you, shouldn't they be in jail???

I wish. This (the trying to kill me) happened when I was in college 13 years ago, and I didn't press charges. I just wanted him to leave me alone.


ETA: There should be a record with campus police, though, because they were called, and I filed a report.

Siddow
10-10-2008, 04:43 PM
You did the right thing, Erin, just expect her to not listen. :(

I went through a similar thing with my ex-h. I moved 3000 miles away, and he followed me. I kept tossing his butt in jail, since I had a restraining order, but he was persistent. He got a girlfriend and had HER contacting me to taunt me and I told her to think about what she was doing: she was continuing his abuse for him! She said I was just a jealous, jilted ex. They conspired to have ME arrested (and succeeded!) but thankfully before I went to trial, he beat the crap out of her, too, so she went to court and admitted to lying about the whole thing. They did a bunch of damage to his rental property and told the police I did it. What a nightmare. He ended up in jail for four years on another charge, after doing a year for shooting (but not killing) the girl he was with after the lying girl. The girl he shot contacted me and told me that she wished she had listened to the warnings about him. She could have died. She had a child, too, who witnessed the shooting.

They just don't listen.

willfulone
10-10-2008, 04:51 PM
I am sorry and I know this fear. I know the worry about an ex that has "offered/tried" to end my life. And, proclaimed it loudly to those that would listen - not just me.

Just remember, more safety in numbers. Vary routines so you are not "daydreaming" while going about regular duties and are on autopilot (thereby maybe not on guard). Be aware of all your surroundings at all times. Do NOT look for things to make your worry grow, but do not ignore or dismiss things that ARE out of place/context. Always act sooner, rather than later when faced with ANY contact from him. Do not dismiss it as "one time", he got his piece in and it is over, he will leave me alone now. Regardless of whatever you see, hear, etc. Keep your log going. A notebook by the phone for hang ups dates/times will help if you need tracers on phone logs for a restraining order in the future. Any time you see him/her (cuz he could brainwash her to do his dirty work) jot down time, place, if contact or not. Keep all this stuff - photocopy it and keep a copy outside your home. And go to police as soon as ANYTHING happens. You have this feeling for a reason. Listen to yourself and keep you and your hubby safe.

Offering the truth to this girl was a service and you did not sound like you were just being a jealous ex. What she does with it is uncontrollable, but you should take comfort that you may have saved one or two lives.

I hope he stays away from you. I hope he does.

Christine

James81
10-10-2008, 05:23 PM
Guys like this need to be taken outside and just shot right in the face.

Sorry you had to go through all that.

Shadow_Ferret
10-10-2008, 05:29 PM
:Hug2:

Everything else has been pretty much said. I just feel like hugging Erin.

Yeshanu
10-10-2008, 05:42 PM
:Hug2:

Everything else has been pretty much said. I just feel like hugging Erin.

Ditto. :Hug2:

TrainofThought
10-10-2008, 05:50 PM
:Jaw: I'm at a loss for words. You seem like a great person, Erin, and I give you credit for finally walking away from him. Don't feel bad for telling her what he did to you. Some women are weird and will take it as a challenge or think you're jealous, but you don't care because you're done with them. You told her your experience and you can't be responsible for her decisions.

P.S. I'm glad I can say I've never been in this type of an unhealthy relationship.

ETA: I just picked up the Chicago Tribune and started reading about domestic abuse. In Chicago, only one-sixth of the 19,000 domestic abuse reported each year end with a conviction. That's sad.

Clair Dickson
10-10-2008, 07:14 PM
Think strong thoughts. It's okay to be afraid, but don't him run/ruin your life. Find support, numbers, and everything you can get to get through it.

My (limited) experience is that these types of asses don't like witnesses-- that means they can't lie about what they're doing. Surround yourself with people who will be there-- Hubby and I used to walk a girl to her car after work when her psycho ex would show up. He'd, apparently, drive away when he'd see her come out with a couple other people. Esp. since she had a restrainer order. With witnesses, it's more than your word against theirs.

Be strong. We'll be here.

And if all else fails, hire a hit woman. (I totally think that women-beaters/haters should get it in return from a woman. Heh. ;-)

TsukiRyoko
10-10-2008, 08:12 PM
Let many people around you know your current situation, so that you have many locals eyes watching out for you. That's one of the best thing you can do. And keep pepper spray or something on you at all times, just in case. Better safe than sorry. Good luck, and I wish you the best.

Snowstorm
10-10-2008, 08:35 PM
EriRae, YOU are a so much stronger than he is! No matter how abusive he was, you had the backbone to get away and reclaim yourself. This sounds trite, but you rock!

I think you did the right thing in warning this gal. You didn't spew or rant, but gave her the crux of him and the abuse. I agree with the others that she will probably keep dating him, but that's her choice. I hope your conscience is clear.

Best of luck to you (and to your gal friend).

qwerty
10-10-2008, 08:50 PM
Erin, the very fact that this girl contacted you shows she has doubts and feels unsafe. You did her a favour you didn't have to do. You told her the truth (which I'm sure she's already guessed).

I can't imagine she would repay that consideration you gave to her and her child by implicating you and putting you in potential danger.

You know you did the only thing your conscience would allow, and you are applauded for that because it took guts and a caring attitude. I salute you.

But, if you get as much as an email or phone call from this sick arsehole, get yourself a protection order which says he's jailed if he comes anywhere near you.

Mr Flibble
10-10-2008, 08:55 PM
Wow, that's awful. But you did the right thing so stay strong, and safe.
And if all else fails, hire a hit woman. (I totally think that women-beaters/haters should get it in return from a woman. Heh. ;-)

My rates are very reasonable. Would you prefer kneecapping via mace or facial rearrangement by scramasax?

astonwest
10-11-2008, 04:34 AM
Guys like this need to be taken outside and just shot right in the face.I'm not sure the face would be my first choice...maybe a bit lower...

Susie
10-11-2008, 05:31 AM
Sure hope things work out for you, Eri and you did the right thing, for sure!

ErylRavenwell
10-11-2008, 06:31 AM
Confront your fear, Erin. Don't let him make you a victim. Make him pay dearly if he ever puts his filthy hands on you.

God, I really hate men who beat on women.

Bartholomew
10-11-2008, 11:08 AM
Buy a gun.

EriRae
10-11-2008, 01:10 PM
Think strong thoughts. It's okay to be afraid, but don't him run/ruin your life. Find support, numbers, and everything you can get to get through it.

My (limited) experience is that these types of asses don't like witnesses-- that means they can't lie about what they're doing. Surround yourself with people who will be there-- Hubby and I used to walk a girl to her car after work when her psycho ex would show up. He'd, apparently, drive away when he'd see her come out with a couple other people. Esp. since she had a restrainer order. With witnesses, it's more than your word against theirs.

Be strong. We'll be here.

And if all else fails, hire a hit woman. (I totally think that women-beaters/haters should get it in return from a woman. Heh. ;-)

Your experience is dead-on for this guy. I would walk to class with a bunch of friends after he moved close to my dorm (he could see my window from his front door...creepy). He never had the chance to do anything. I even had the guts to say "hi" and smile . . . he looked so shocked and confused.

I never go anywhere alone. That's the lesson he taught me years ago. I don't like to let my friends go anywhere alone, either. I can be kinda clingy like that. They either think I'm crazy, or they get over it as one of my "quirks."

Love the hit woman idea!

EriRae
10-11-2008, 01:18 PM
EriRae, YOU are a so much stronger than he is! No matter how abusive he was, you had the backbone to get away and reclaim yourself. This sounds trite, but you rock!

I think you did the right thing in warning this gal. You didn't spew or rant, but gave her the crux of him and the abuse. I agree with the others that she will probably keep dating him, but that's her choice. I hope your conscience is clear.

Best of luck to you (and to your gal friend).


I wish I could take credit for that, but it was meeting my husband that made me strong enough to stay away. He's so full of common sense...it's like having a personal shrink. "What kind of person would you be if you went back to a guy like that? Is that who you want to be?" Yeah. Hubby rocks.

My conscience is clear. I've come to terms with this, and I feel confident that, if anything happens, I can protect myself, or at least make sure he doesn't get away with it.

I hope she can do the same.

EriRae
10-11-2008, 01:23 PM
Erin, the very fact that this girl contacted you shows she has doubts and feels unsafe. You did her a favour you didn't have to do. You told her the truth (which I'm sure she's already guessed).

I can't imagine she would repay that consideration you gave to her and her child by implicating you and putting you in potential danger.

You know you did the only thing your conscience would allow, and you are applauded for that because it took guts and a caring attitude. I salute you.

But, if you get as much as an email or phone call from this sick arsehole, get yourself a protection order which says he's jailed if he comes anywhere near you.

I deleted her as my Myspace friend when I discovered that she was friends with him...then I added her back (under false pretenses...told her I deleted her because I thought she worked for a vanity press--lol), because I decided that it was better to keep that line of communication open, if she ever had any doubts about him.

I just never expected to get this e-mail. I guess I'm still naive.

He won't call. He'll never find our number, we never answer the phone, and he's not the type to leave a message when he can't verify that he's called the right place.

I've already blocked him, so no e-mails. I deleted an old e-mail account so he'd stop wishing me happy birthday, etc. If he wants to speak to me, he's going to show up at my parents' for Thanksgiving or something stupid like that. We have enough shotguns to go around.

Kateri
10-11-2008, 02:44 PM
I was in the identical situation and ran with 3 children after trying to get him help and not realising that I could never be part of the solution. He was a member of an emergency service which made it worse for me as I felt I would not be believed.

Simply we often fail to see what is not in us. He would be trying everything to prove, mainly to himself, that he is not a bully and coward. This other girl is lucky that you have the compassion to see her as vulnerable as you were at that time. More importantly you acted on that, the rest is up to her. Don't feed it any more, negativity is like quicksand. We heal, move on and these experiences give us our greatness.

BenPanced
10-11-2008, 08:47 PM
You did the right thing. It's up to her now; you can't make her make the same decision you did, unfortunately.