Still afraid of him after all these years

I don't know if this belongs in TIO or if it'll stay here. I suppose if it ends up being controversial, a kind mod will move it.

I'm freaking out.

I got an e-mail Thursday morning from a girl who went to my high school. She was two years younger than me, and I don't remember getting along with her much, but she added me as a friend this summer on Myspace and I thought nothing of it.

Until I saw she was friends with my ex boyfriend.

I just figured that he was using her to spy on my page, which really doesn't bother me. I'm happy, I've moved on, and I'm sure that irritates him to no end. Until I got this e-mail:

Hey hope things are well with you. So do you remember XXXX XXXX, I guess you two dated for quite a while? I have been dating him since July. So he mentioned last night that you guys had a nasty break up in college, but he wouldn't elaborate. I just wanted to make sure he was not one of those guys that like hit you or something. He totally does not seem like the type, but you just never know these days.

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Saying we had a nasty break-up is like saying the Holocaust killed some people.

Here's my response.

Oh honey...

He's the one I've blogged about.

He tried to kill me. No sh*t. He hit me twice while we were dating (slug fests, not just a one-slap thing), and once we broke up, the shit really hit the fan and he got angry that I went out to the bars with a couple of guys from his floor. So he threw me up against a wall, wrapped his hands around my throat and started to choke me. He heard the guys in the hallway pounding on the door (because I was screaming) and choked harder. They got the door open and pulled him off me.

He played the worst mindgames of any man I have ever known. He really f*cked me up and it took a couple of years of therapy for me to even trust walking alone at night. He beat me down so bad I got up fighting, and I've been fighting ever since. But that's me. I can't tell you much about him because I don't think I ever really knew him, and we dated for two and a half years.

He made me happy for awhile, but once I tried to have friends, especially guy friends, he wouldn't have it. Eventually, he cut me off from all my friends.

Oh. And he cheated on me. Twice.

Is he a different person? Probably. Is he someone I'd want around my kids? Never, but that's me.

I want him to find happiness, but I wish it would be with someone I don't know. I really hope he didn't start dating you just because you know me. He tried to do that in college.

*HUGS* I wish you the best, and if he's the best for you. . . that's your choice to make.

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I had to say it. She's dating him, and she should know. At least, that's how I felt at the time. Now, I wish I'd kept my big mouth shut and told her to ask him about it, and keep me out of it.

If she dumps him, I'm afraid he'll come after me. For eight of the last ten years, I was able to relax because he'd moved to Denver, and then to New Orleans, and then back to Denver. Two years ago, he moved back to his hometown (nearby) and 45 minutes from ME. We're not easy to find, but he's persistent. And crazy. He tried to kill me with his hands before. I'm afraid he'll come after me with something more...permanent.

Do I think she'll dump him? Probably not. As I said, I didn't get along with this girl in high school, so she probably sees this as a challenge to succeed where I failed. My concern was for her toddler-aged daughter (hence the line about kids...I don't have children).

If she does dump him, I'm scared for her and for me. He doesn't handle rejection well.

I guess I'm venting here for two reasons. One, to get it off my chest. Two, I want a record, not only in my e-mail account, but also online where I have tons of witnesses. I'm tired of being afraid of him.

Thanks, you guys.

Thanks, especially, JJ. I needed to hear that I did the right thing. I knew at the time, but now, silence seems so much more comfortable.

If something happened to her down the road and I said nothing, I wouldn't be able to live with myself. If something happens to me down the road because I said something . . . just know that I love you guys.

I wanted to live.

Oh...and I got a PM about the blog. My second or third blog on Myspace was about him, (ETA in July 07 or so) about what he'd done, and how he moved away, and then I felt safe and got Myspace only to find out he'd moved back HOME! And I was scared then, but nothing happened. I blogged about my anniversary w/ hubby in May, and my "e-mail buddy" congratulated me on nine years of marriage, so I think this has been going on longer than July.

anis said:

a girl I knew was in a similar situation with an ex. Enlisting the help of two friends I went and had a discussion, of sorts, with him. He never contacted her again. I'm not suggesting you do something like this, yourself, but it always is an option. // Good luck and stay strong.

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If it would solve the problem, I would have someone beat him down in a heartbeat. In his sick, twisted mind, that would show him that I care, and that I need to be taught a lesson, because however much he hurts, I must hurt more.

The only person I care about here is that little innocent girl who may end up with him as a daddy.

Broadswordbabe said:

I wish someone had done this for my sister before she married the drunken pillock she finally got rid of (though not before he'd put her and her kids through hell). You totally did the right thing, and maybe this girl will have the sense to listen - even if she doesn't, you tried.
I'd suggest phoning a women's shelter or domestic abuse advice line, and asking their advice on what to do if this guy shows any signs of turning up. They'll have lots of experience dealing with this kind of useless specimen, and can probably give you plenty of practical advice and numbers of other people to contact, legal options etc. Good luck, and well done you.

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Wow--I never even thought about the women's shelter. I will definitely check into it.

Cassi--teehee. I hope Unique is right, and he won't bother me any more.

rhymegirl said:

If someone tries to kill you, shouldn't they be in jail???

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I wish. This (the trying to kill me) happened when I was in college 13 years ago, and I didn't press charges. I just wanted him to leave me alone.


ETA: There should be a record with campus police, though, because they were called, and I filed a report.