Dealing with depression

I have a bit of a problem, and taking it here to AW is, in my opinion, the perfect place to get advice.

My boyfriend has been facing depression on and off for the whole time we've been dating. It's starting to get really bad- he's talking suggestively about suicide, he's becoming very distant, he's in a bad financial situation and due to college, he's kind of stuck int he position he's in right now. I've offered to help him financially, I've offered to let him take up an apartment with me when I go to switch colleges in a few months, I've tried to talk with him and offer him help, as have the rest of his family, and he just keeps getting more distant.

I dealt with pretty severe depression years back- it got so bad I tried to kill myself on a few occasions and was hospitalized for such. I know how he's feeling and I'm trying to offer him good advice, but he's just keeps shutting me out. It doesn't matter how nicely, sneakily, politely, of sympathetically I bring it up. I remember a lot of the feelings I had when I was depressed- whenever someone would call me out on my depression, I would feel guilty, like I was taking a toll on their lives or that everyone thought I was more sick than I was (even though they were right). I tried to keep my relationships going, but due to my mentality, they all began to fail. I'm trying so hard to talk with him about it in a way that won't make things worse, but every time I try, it just makes him more distant.

It's starting to take a toll on our relationship. I don't want to leave him stranded and dealing with this problem on his own, but he's almost leaving me no choice. He's not letting me or anyone else help him out, he's becoming so distant with everyone that it's affecting friendships, relations with family, and the relationship that I have with him.

When I was facing depression head on, I was pushed over the edge very easily. I broke up with anyone I was dating if they pressed me to hard, I lost a lot of friends, and family gave up on me. I don't want to push him so hard that he feels like he has to break up with me (even though, if things don't get better, I'm starting to consider breaking it off with him, just because he will not let anyone reach him), I don't want him to lose the great friends he has, and I don't want to break up with him and just leave him to deal with this problem on his own.

What do I do to help him out? The way he acts leads me to believe he's on the brink of a potential suicide attempt, and if I'm correct, the situation may be touchier than he's letting on. I want nothing more than to help him get better, but he's keeps refusing any sort of help no matter how the matter's brought up. How do I deal with this?

KTC said:

You've been offered some sound advice here. You are in a position to understand on a deeper level, as you yourself have suffered from depression. Try to figure out how serious his suicidal thoughts are. If you have an inkling that he is a danger to himself, alert the authorities. There is no talking to someone in that state. He may hate you for it, but that will dissolve once he realizes you have saved his life.

Suicide is evocative to the suicidal. It struts itself in front of them as the best possible scenario. When he starts talking suggestively about suicide it's an indication that he is becoming more serious about it.

You are on the outside. Therefore you have an opportunity to throw him a lifeline. He may not see any other kind than the forced psychiatric evaluation that your intervention would ensure. It's a tough call. But it could be a lifesaving call.

My thoughts are with you.

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He always brushes off suicidial comments as "I'm just joking, babe!", but the subject will come up in inappropriate times in a conversation, like, "Need help with you're homework?" He has given me a bit of insight to somewhat of a plan, saying that he'd try to give away all of his possession, wait until his parents are gone, and tell everyone he was going on a trip. He has never tried to kill himself before from what I know, and seems a bit scared from the idea but he has definitely been entertaining the thought. I've tried to offer him counselling, I've suggested antidepressants, assuring him that they really will take the "world crashing in on me" feeling away (he won't take this seriously because of my grudge against modern medicine. I haven't so much as taken cough syrup or Tylenol in about 3 years, so he thinks I'm pissing with him when I say this), and I've told him, every single time he "jokes" about suicide, that if I feel the need, I absolutely will step forward and put him in the hospital.

The problem is... I don't know if I'd be able to. I've been hospitalized for depression before, and it really did not help me, nor did it help anyone else who was in there. After I got out of the hospital, I felt shittier than ever, and if my parent's weren't watching me like a hawk 24/7 for the next few months, I absolutely would have tried killing myself again. The hospital made me much worse and made me lose trust in everyone around me. I would take the step to put him in if I caught him trying to kill himself, but I really don't think I'd be able to do it before then just because I don't agree with the way the local mental health organizations deal with things. I honestly think the best cure for depression is antidepressants and therapy: the pills help take the edge off right now, but are not a permanent solution in my opinion, and the counselor takes some getting used to but did me a great amount of good. Ultimately, I think the best cure is finding your own way and dealing with your problems- and I'm trying so hard to help him find that, but.... I don't know.

I will continue to help him as much as I can, and thanks a lot for the supprot

Unique said:

Tsuki -

All the above. My take? What is he eating? Those chemicals DO make a difference to our biology. Remember - usually, the closer to the original source, the better for you.

In other words - all the above.

((hugs))

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Actually, I have a real beef with the supplements he takes. He big on nutirition and keeping his body in shape, but he sucks down vitamins like you would not believe. I've check what he takes and they all seem to be fruit or veggie extracts, protein supplements, N.O. Explode (nitrous oxide or something, which I really don't like him taking) or something along those things, but I don't thing taking more pills than my grandma is healthy and I think he might be screwing himself up by taking so many every day. He eats healthy, very little processed foods, lots of druits, veggies, and grains, and lean white meat, but the supplements I don't like at all.

TerzaRima said:

Is he under a psychiatrist's care?

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Nope, and he won't go no matter how much I insist. He doesn't realize that what he's going through is an illness, and therefore won't take any of my suggestions.

Yeshanu said:

You need to get yourself to a counselor, the sooner the better, because dealing with depression in someone you love will take its toll on you. Does your school have a guidance or counseling center? That would be the place to start...

Offering him advice probably won't work--he's not in a position to hear it. Instead, tell him that his depression is taking its toll on you and your relationship, and you've considered ending the relationship.

Ask him point-blank if he's considered suicide. Try and determine if he has a plan, and how formed that plan is. The more concrete the plan, the more likely it is that he's already set a date. If he's just thinking, "Things are bad, and killing myself might be a good idea," tell him to get professional help. As in psychiatrists, financial counseling, whatever he needs, but from professionals.

If his plan is very well formed--if he can tell you exactly how he's going to kill himself, and he has the means to do it--call the cops. Right away.

Tsuki, this advice is coming from someone who's been there, on both sides of the equation. I feel for you. Hugs.

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I'm definitely considering counselling for myself again. Even though I haven't dealt with depression nearly as intense as I used to, I don't want to chance getting sucked into it again. My life's been going amazingly well for years- I'm not letting some boy suck me down into the depths of mental illness again.

On another note, he might be more willing to accept help if I started going. If I went and assured him it was fine, he might be more open to the idea.

I've definitely considered ending the relationship, but I'm going to stick in there for as long as I can. But, I'm definitely setting my limits. I'll give him a few more months of my time, and if he still won't seek help of any sort, I'm cutting it off. My mom told me that was giving up, but how can it be- I've been trying to help him out of this more than I have just enjoying having a boyfriend. I can only try for so long. If I continue to try my hardest for a while longer, I know I won't be giving up, and if he still hasn't taken any of my suggestions or seeked help in any way, I won't continue to put myself in such a touchy position, where it's far too easy to push him over the edge.

More than that, I'm starting to consider encouraging his family to talk to him way more. They know he's delt with depression for a long time, but have failed to take it seriously. Maybe if I do decide to slip out of the picture a bit, he won't be so worried about looking like the "strong guy" (which, he's straight out told me, why he brushes off a lot of what I say, for the sake of his pride). Also, I'm much younger than him- I'm 18, he's 26. Whenever I try to give him life-improving suggestions or try to help him make decisions, I think he doesn't take me seriously because he secretly doesn't feel I have enough experience in life myself. When trying to help him, I don't think he sees my concern for him, but rather he sees it as taking advice from someone much younger than him, and I also think he wants to be the Big Man Protector or something. I don't know how to break through this either. Luckily, I think he only sees me like this when I try to offer him support, but if I'mw rong than he's in for a world of trouble. All I gotta do is say something, and I'll make his hair curl like he's never seen before -_-

Thank you all very much for the advice and concern. I'll continue to try and help him out as much as I can (without letting myself get dragged into the depression whirlpool, that it). All I can do is try my best and hope like hell, and nothing more. Thanks again, everyone, I knew this was a good place to ask about this