Children's novel query letter.....

The following is my query letter for my children's novel. Does it look alright? Thanks in advance.

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ENTOPIA is a complete middle grade novel of approximately 30,500 words. This novel will be the first in a series.

What happens when William Bee finds himself captured by the shop vacuum at a snack factory? He discovers an idyllic insect society called Entopia living inside. Strange and unique characters abound in the canister; including a roach doctor who claims to remember his life as a human, and a spider colored like a starlight mint. Will this odd assortment of insects help William rescue his brother and stop a sugar ant invasion of his beehive before the janitor empties the shop vac and its inhabitants?
I have written adventure stories for small-press magazines for the past eight years. WILDCAT BOOKS featured my work recently in the WRITERS OF THE PURPLE PAGE ANTHOLOGY. This will be my first professionally published project. I am also including sample ENTOPIA artwork by my brother, Jamison Challeen, for your consideration.
I feel confident in this novel’s appeal to the middle grade market. This story is excellent for older children and young adults. I would like to provide you with the completed manuscript or any other material you might require. I have provided a SASE, or you can contact me by e-mail or phone. I look forward to your reply.
Thank you for your consideration,
<SIG>
(This project is a simultaneously submission.)
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Okay, I'll start.

ENTOPIA is a complete middle grade novel ...

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Drop the word "complete." When it comes to fiction, books should be already completed.

This novel will be the first in a series.

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Editors don't care about if it's first in a series from an unknown. They want to see if your first book will sell.

This will be my first professionally published project.

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No need for that sentence.

I am also including sample ENTOPIA artwork by my brother, Jamison Challeen, for your consideration.

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Nope, they don't want to see the artwork, either. They'll pick their own.

...or any other material you might require.

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Scratch that.
Also, your intro, your synopsis, and your bio and are three separate paragraphs.
Just my 2 cents!

Thanks for your feedback, Stormie. I had already edited my letter this morning and found some of the things you suggested. That 'complete' at the beginning came as a suggestion from a sample query letter I found online. The formatting in my letter did not translate to the message format, but all three of those things you mentioned are in separate paragraphs. Thank you again, your suggestions have proven invaluable. Here's the new query letter:

“The web began to vibrate. A spider much larger than William crawled down the web toward the bee. A red-and-white swirl colored the spider, as if someone had cut it out of a piece of peppermint candy. The spider frightened William, and the bee struggled against the web.”

ENTOPIA is a middle grade novel of approximately 30,500 words.

What happens when William Bee finds himself captured by the shop vacuum at a snack factory? He discovers an idyllic insect society called Entopia living inside. Strange and unique characters abound in the canister. Will this odd assortment of insects help William rescue his brother and stop a sugar ant invasion of his beehive before the janitor empties the shop vac and its inhabitants?

I have written adventure stories for small-press magazines for the past eight years. I’ve been published in ADVENTURE MYSTERY TALES, SECRET SANCTUM, STRANGE WORLDS, and THRILLER UK. WILDCAT BOOKS featured my work recently in the WRITERS OF THE PURPLE PAGE ANTHOLOGY.

I feel confident in this novel’s appeal to the middle grade market. This story is excellent for older children and young adults. If this project interests you, I would like to provide you with the completed manuscript. I have provided a SASE, or you can contact me by e-mail or phone. I look forward to your reply.

Thank you for your consideration,

Kevin Noel Olson

(This project is a simultaneously submission.)

Kevin, somehow the quote at the beginning doesn't seem right. I know some sample queries use it, but it doesn't flow into the rest of the letter. Perhaps start with

"Dear --------.

"In my middle grade novel Entopia, William Bee finds himself...."

Then state your credentials, then repeat the novel's working title and state the word count, etc.

(I struggle with query letters, too. Hopefully someone else will jump in and add their two cents.)

BTW,your story sounds quite interesting!

I wasn't crazy about the flow of the letter with the quote included either. I'll probably rework the first part again. I find query letters are the worst things to write, but perhaps I'm just looking at it wrong. Unfortunately, you don't know if they work until someone buys your project. Thanks again.

I think I finally got it where I wanted it:

ENTOPIA is a middle grade novel of approximately 30,500 words.

“The web began to vibrate. A spider much larger than William crawled down the web toward the bee. A red-and-white swirl colored the spider, as if someone had cut it out of a piece of peppermint candy. The spider frightened William, and the bee struggled against the web.”

When William Bee finds himself captured by the shop vacuum at a snack factory, he discovers an idyllic insect society called Entopia living inside. Strange and unique characters abound in the canister. Will this odd assortment of insects help William rescue his brother and stop a sugar ant invasion of his beehive before the janitor empties the shop vac and its inhabitants?

I have written adventure stories and novellas for small-press magazines for the past eight years. My stories have seen publication in ADVENTURE MYSTERY TALES, SECRET SANCTUM, STRANGE WORLDS, and THRILLER UK. WILDCAT BOOKS featured my work recently in the NEW WRITERS OF THE PURPLE PAGE ANTHOLOGY.

I feel confident in this novel’s appeal to the middle grade market. This story is excellent for older children and young adults. If this project interests you, I would like to provide you with the completed manuscript. I have provided a SASE, or you can contact me by e-mail or phone. I look forward to your reply.

Does William, his brother and the beehive get sucked up in the shop vac together? The first sentence makes it seem like it's only William.

In your quoted sentence, "a spider much larger than William" makes it sound like William is a spider and the bee is another charachter.

Is the society idyllic? That makes it sound boring, yet I know from the following sentence there is an invasion and a rescue.

Using the phrase "strange and unique characters", you don't show us anything.

I don't know enough about your story, but I will try to illustrate my point. Taking some liberties, I would go in a different direction:

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Entopia is an adventurous middle grade novel (30,500 words) set in a curious location, the canister of a shop vac.

William, his brother and the beehive they called home were sucked into the shop vac without warning. Flying up, down and around the hose, they were dumped into the canister before William could catch his breath. His head was still pounding from the monstrous noise of the vacuum, but he buzzed around in excitement at what laid before him. Entopia was a wondrous society made up of other insects that had once inhabited the snack factory, but were now happily trapped in the vacuum, unaware of certain doom.

Peppermint spiders and ------ crawled along the walls, ------ and ------ made their home in the accordion folds of the filter, but when William Bee discovered that his brother was missing and time was running out, this shy bee had to convince the other insects to help. As the garbage rose to the top, William was certain the janitor would empty the vacuum before he could save his brother.....

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Okay, so that was just off the top of my head, but what I am getting at is I believe you need to use a more creative tone with the query. The story sounds interesting and creative.

What are the vitures of this story? Did William change? Yes, he had to overcome an obstacle (trapped), but was he shy or scared at first? Did he have to use his wit or charm? Were there any lessons learned? It's a middle grade novel, virtues are a good selling point.

Don't sell yourself short. The lasted part of the query (bio) needs to be reworked to sound more confident.

Trisha
www.joyfulproductions.com

Does William, his brother and the beehive get sucked up in the shop vac together? The first sentence makes it seem like it's only William.

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It is only William. I can put in some points to clarify this. I didn't think it could be extrapolated any other way.

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n your quoted sentence, "a spider much larger than William" makes it sound like William is a spider and the bee is another charachter.

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It didn't read that way to me, so I missed it. In the book, it's very obvious. I can quote a larger segment that leaves no doubt.

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Is the society idyllic? That makes it sound boring, yet I know from the following sentence there is an invasion and a rescue.

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It is idyllic. The invasions and rescues occur after they leave the shop-vac. I need to point that out better as well.

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Using the phrase "strange and unique characters", you don't show us anything.

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I had initially included some descriptions, but it takes an awful lot of space. I guess I'd hoped a swirl-colored spider might be sufficient.

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I guess it's back to the drawing board yet again. I haven't seen a query letter like the one you suggest. Most of the samples of successful query letters I've read are relatively staid (see earlier link), but I think the suggestion is a good one. In fact, I had some of them initially, but cut them out in an attempt to retain a one-page letter.

Thank you for your help.

Dear Skull,

I get the feeling you are really talented. Just from the bits and pieces you posted, the story sounds unique. Plus, you mention your brother is an artist, so I guess it runs in the family.

Query letters are a strange animal, aren't they? You have to sum up your story, sound interesting and sell yourself without bragging in less than a page. But it may be your first and only chance to impress. So, get excited and creative about your story. Think about why a publisher or agent would want to read it and how they could market it to the reader.

Think about your story as if it's a movie. What would the voice over say in the trailer? How would a movie poster read?

William is a bee in a bind. He's stuck in a shop vac that's bursting over with debris, surrounded by insects that don't understand the graviety of his situation. His brother is missing. If William doesn't escape the vaccum in time, ----(what will happen?)

See, what you need to work with is bare bones minimum. I started out writing screenplays (I have an option) and it was hard for me to grab the bare bones concept at first. By the time my first children's picture book was published, I got the hang of it.

Here you have 30K words, now you have to reduce it to 250 words and a sales pitch. Believe me, queries need to be creative, but not over the top. I believe your first instict was correct. Give it a try with a little more flare. Don't sell the whole story, just the main concept. Remember that the reader doen't know anything about it and the sentences will need to stand alone without illustrations. You might even ask people who have read it to give you a short summary of the story. Listen to what they point out and you might have your clues. I'd like to see your next draft.

My best,
Trisha
www.joyfulproductions.com

Thank you Trisha. Your words of encouragement and advice are very helpful. I must say, I dislike writing query letters. I understand where the publishers are coming from, a query letter takes less time for them to decide if they want to read the entire thing. Personally, I feel like this book has a very good shot at publication if I can get past the query process and have someone read it. Although I still haven't gotten the bio part down, I think what you've suggested has aided the rest of the letter. I think the quote from the book works better now The portion I've worked on so far is below, and I think the suggestions I've been given have helped:

ENTOPIA is a middle grade novel of approximately 30,500 words. Beginning in the unusual location of a snack factory’s shop vacuum, ENTOPIA details the exciting adventures of a young bee named William.

“William stopped struggling and remained quite still, but the web had already entangled him. The web began to vibrate. A spider much larger than William crawled down the web toward him. A red-and-white swirl colored the spider, as if some had cut it out of a piece of peppermint candy.”

When curiosity gets the better of William Bee, the shop vacuum at a snack factory captures him. He discovers an idyllic insect society called Entopia living inside the canister. The residents of Entopia include a daddy long-leg spider with a toothpick for a missing foreleg, a stinkbug whose diet makes him smell cinnamon, a roach doctor who claims he remembers being human, a widowed praying mantis and other intriguing characters.

When a sugar ant vacuunaut arrives in Entopia while attempting to learn the secrets of vacuum cleaners, he informs William the sugar ants have captured his brother and they plan to invade the beehive. William needs help to rescue his brother and stop the sugar ant invasion. Can the reckless young bee convince this odd assortment of insects to leave their paradise home to help him?

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Hey, Skull!

I took a shot at the query. From your last post, I think I have a better understanding of the plot of the story. IMHO, I don't think you need to quote the work, as a matter of fact, I have read many times it's not a good idea. I was thinking the fact that William is faced with the dilemma of being trapped, the need to escape and a daring rescue as the core of your query. It shows action, adventure and heroic deeds. William changes from a somewhat curious and selfish bee into a hero. Maybe this will give you further ideas, and maybe someone on the board can give some feedback. Trisha


ENTOPIA is a 30,500 middle grade novel involving the adventurous and heroic antics of an inquisitive young bee named William and his plight to save his brother.

William Bee was enthralled with a shop vac in the snack factory, but when he flew too close, his curiosity quickly made him the vacuum's reluctant captive. As William traveled through the hose and into the canister, he discovered an idyllic insect society called Entopia, which was both exhilarated and frightened him.

The residents of Entopia included a daddy long-leg spider with a toothpick for a missing foreleg, a stinkbug that smelled like cinnamon, and a roach doctor who claimed he was once a human. William was fascinated with the misfit insects who were perfectly content coexisting with garbage and debris, but his fascination turns to panic when he is informed that a colony of devious sugar ants have captured his brother and plan to invade William's beehive.

William must escape the vacuum to stop the sugar ant invasion and save his brother, but he needs help. Can the reckless young bee convince this odd assortment of insects to leave their paradise home, venture into the snack factory and help save his brother?

For the past eight years, I have written adventure stories for small-press magazines including ADVENTURE MYSTERY TALES, SECRET SANCTUM, STRANGE WORLDS, and THRILLER UK. WILDCAT BOOKS recently featured my work in the WRITERS OF THE PURPLE PAGE ANTHOLOGY.

May I send ENTOPIA for your review and consideration?

Sincerely,



The Knowing Skull

Thanks Trisha. I liked what you did here. That helps a lot! I think you are right about the quote, though I'm sad to see it go. The quote idea came from a sample in the last WRITER'S DIGEST magazine, but it was also a sample of an author who had already been published in the series he queried. However, it's a lot less common that I see someone suggest a quote than not.

I've already sent to the publishers that only accepted a query and SASE. Since the publishers I am currently submitting to want the manuscript and/or synopsis and sample chapters, it doesn't seem as necessary in the query anyway.

I'm just reading over your shoulders, and wanted to say hello. Very informative.

I'm certainly not the one to ask about the letter, but I do agree that the content is wonderful, so don't give up.

Also, I rather dread that whole process myself, and will hopefully soon have the same headache that you now have. I just can't wait to be so stinking famous that I'll never have to query again, and be done with the whole blasted thing.

I haven't done this yet, but it so smacks of being in a gym class of 500 screaming kids, all shouting, "Pick me! Pick me!" and there are only 5 slots for the team.

On a lighter note, I must say that I think Professor J.R.R Tolkien would have given up on writing if passing the Query letter test was invented in his day. He was rather horrible at getting to the point, which you would note from his letters to his publishers.

I agree with you Nate, query letters are a rough process. When applying for jobs, I've always had a preference for applications over resumes. I'm confident in my writing skills, but a query letter seems to draw upon a completely different type of skills. I'd compare it to building a car and then building an advertisement for it. Two completely different things, imo. Thanks for the encouragement!
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It's all in the smile

The dynamic is different to me. If I write a story, that's me pouring out on the pages. It's my creativity, my inspiration, and that's going to appeal to some and not to others. But, by George, I'm convinced I'll find an audience.

The Query letter, on the other hand, is a bit pretentious, even if it is a necessary pretension, because at the core, I'm begging for someone to like me, whether or not I sound confident or not that they will.

Yes, some people just have a talent for such things, and they can flip one off with grace and ease, but I wouldn't assume they are a better writer, or even a more interesting read because they can write a wonderful query of queries.

To me, being a Query Genius may be associated with raw writing talent, but not necessarily with the art of inspired writing. I tend to draw more from inspiration, which is akin to not necessarily having classic good looks, but that quirky smile and glint of eye that some might find quite attractive.

Yet, I fear that they are looking for classic good looks, and that a glint and 2 dollars will get you no more than a hot chocolate at Dunkin Donuts. So, I'll glue on a Brad Pitt face, and give them what they want I guess. But I dread the process, and don't like glue on my face.