The Automated Answering System

Cassiopeia

Otherwise Occupied
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Aug 1, 2006
Messages
10,878
Reaction score
5,343
Location
Star to the right and straight on till morning.
I just finished reading the assigned chapter for my Marketing/Customer Service class. At the end of the chapter on phone etiquette for customer service reps it had this section called "another look". I thought I'd share a little giggle with you.

The Psychiatric Hot Line Automated Answering System:


Hello. Welcome to the psychiatric hot line.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3,4,5, and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want, so just stay on the line until we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

 

EriRae

:P
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Jun 12, 2007
Messages
1,481
Reaction score
1,358
Location
The State of Marriage Equality.
I'm still waiting for them to trace the call. . . do I have to hold the phone until the fine young men in the nice white coats come to take me away?
 

Ol' Fashioned Girl

Hand? What hand?
Kind Benefactor
Super Member
Registered
Joined
May 31, 2005
Messages
15,640
Reaction score
6,849
Location
Last Star on the Right
Website
www.jenniferdahl.com
Oh, I hate these things! If you're not psychotic when you first dial in, you will be by the time you actually find a human... one who both knows what's going on and speaks your language!
 

Mr Flibble

They've been very bad, Mr Flibble
Kind Benefactor
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Jan 6, 2008
Messages
18,889
Reaction score
5,029
Location
We couldn't possibly do that. Who'd clear up the m
Website
francisknightbooks.co.uk
I can't remember where I read this but:

Thank you for calling the Global Crisis Hotline. Please pick an option to help us help you more efficiently

Press one for earthquake and / or tsunami
Press two for weather related crisis
Press three for environmental disaster
Press four for all other disasters

You have picked four. Please pick an option from the following list

Press one for terrorist attack
Press two for alien invasion
Press three for global outbreak of war

You have picked three. In the event the world has not ended yet, please pick an option

Press one for traditional warfare
Press two for nuclear attack
Press three for biological warfare

You have picked two. You're screwed. Thank you for your patience. *dial tone*
 

Pagey's_Girl

Still plays with dolls
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Jan 24, 2007
Messages
1,725
Reaction score
958
Location
New York (not the city)
"Hello, you've reached the number you called, blah blah blah. if you actually need further instructions, well, that's just pathetic." *BEEP*

It was from a comic strip, but I liked it. Short and to the point.
 

Shadow_Ferret

Court Jester
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Apr 26, 2005
Messages
23,708
Reaction score
10,657
Location
In a world of my own making
Website
shadowferret.wordpress.com
I keep hitting ZERO while the disembodied voice goes through all it's options. "That is not an option!" it says, then starts going through the list again. 0. "That is not an option!" 0. "That.." 0. "That is..." 0.

Sometimes it frustrates the machine and it transfers me to a human being.

I really hate the interactive ones that have a voice you are supposed to respond to. I keep saying, "I want to talk to a human!" and it say, "I'm sorry, I don't understand your request..." "That's because you're a stupid fecking machine! Human! Human!"
 

maestrowork

Fear the Death Ray
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Feb 11, 2005
Messages
43,746
Reaction score
8,652
Location
Los Angeles
Website
www.amazon.com
"Please say the number."
"Zero."
"I'm sorry, I don't understand you. Please say the number again."
"Zero."
"I'm sorry. I still don't understand you. Please say the number again."
"ZEEEE ROOOO."
"I'm sorry you're such a lousy foreigner and you should be deported and sent back to your god forsaken third world country. Goodbye."
 

czjaba

dreaming of the day...
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Feb 17, 2007
Messages
1,013
Reaction score
660
Location
Right here, in front of my computer
Actual conversation from about 10 years ago.

"Thank you for calling poison control. Please hold."

Mom paces. 5 minutes go by.

"Poison control, what is your emergency?"
 

JLCwrites

Super Member
Registered
Joined
Jun 14, 2007
Messages
3,079
Reaction score
5,696
Location
Pacific NW
I keep hitting ZERO while the disembodied voice goes through all it's options. "That is not an option!" it says, then starts going through the list again. 0. "That is not an option!" 0. "That.." 0. "That is..." 0.

Sometimes it frustrates the machine and it transfers me to a human being.

I really hate the interactive ones that have a voice you are supposed to respond to. I keep saying, "I want to talk to a human!" and it say, "I'm sorry, I don't understand your request..." "That's because you're a stupid fecking machine! Human! Human!"
If you yell and cuss, they will send you to customer service. (At least that's what I was told):rolleyes:
 

Cassiopeia

Otherwise Occupied
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Aug 1, 2006
Messages
10,878
Reaction score
5,343
Location
Star to the right and straight on till morning.
I just can't help but wonder why on earth they think that an automated system is better. I know it saves on labor costs but it has cost more than one company my business and that is the entire point of customer service. To KEEP the customer satisfied.

Kevin, I know what you mean about that one not being funny if it's true. I think this illustrates just how insensitive automated services are.
 

Matera the Mad

Bartender, gimme a Linux Mint
Super Member
Registered
Joined
Jan 6, 2008
Messages
13,979
Reaction score
1,533
Location
Wisconsin's (sore) thumb
Website
www.firefromthesky.org
CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK