Not the most original of titles, I know, but it sums me up.
I have a fantasy MS, approx. 160,000 words that after a couple of edits I abandoned a while back (mainly because I had a new story idea clambering for attention). What I think I need to get me over my slump with this story is a fresh set of eyes to point out the bad bits.
The story, while fantasy, is not the usual sort. Heavily character based with very little 'magic'. Here's part of the oh so dramatic synopsis...
Luonta, a peaceful covenant between humans and the wild world, is under threat. The Temples, once a haven, are now a target. The Armonaias, leaders of Luonta, elegant and graceful, are now savage heretics worthy only of death.
Taiva, the sky cult, is the new power. Their Prophet has shown them the truth of the world. Only humans possess a spirit, only humans are capable of conscious thought. Animals are primitive and savage, unworthy of the deep consideration Luonta gives them. The spirit is eternal and, when released from the flesh by the Prophet’s Fire, is free to soar amongst the stars. Non-believers are condemned to rot forever in the filthy ground.
The last Temple of Luonta has fallen, its Armonaia sacrificed to the flames. Taiva is free to stand unchallenged over all Maaperia – except that one person has witnessed the violent death Taiva unleashed on the women of the Temple.
Niina knows something dangerous, but she has done something even worse – killed a leader of Taiva. It was done in self-defence but she knows that means nothing to those who will hunt her down. With the aid of mysterious Ulrik, she flees her home to start a new life in hiding. She takes with her the Tooth, a talisman that gives its bearer unparalleled access to Grace, the energy of the world that gives life to all. To Niina it gives a vision of Ulrik in danger. Niina’s desire to help Ulrik will take her to an island where she will have to discover the strength within in order to survive.
Kosketu Island. Continually ravaged by rough weather, surrounded by violent waters and kept under siege by a giant, great white shark. Niina finds Ulrik to warn him of the danger, only to find him angry that she followed him, scornful of her attempt to protect him. Abandoned and trapped on Kosketu, she must learn to cope with the dull, mindless island folk and how to avoid Mikael, a man with a frightening ability to reach deep inside people, touch their spirit and drain something vital from them.
As Niina attempts to become part of the community, strange events from her past – something trying to drown her in a river, something ransacking her room while she slept – manifest as the ghost of the man she killed. In the waters, the giant shark becomes even more restless. To the north, a great storm is brewing. Within the very core of the island a dark, twisted taint grows larger. And Mikael becomes obsessed with Niina, convinced hers is the spirit that will finally satisfy his perverse hunger.
I'm not after a line by line or in depth crit. Just a learned opinion on what works and what doesn't. And some advice on where to cut the word count would be great.
I am more than willing to return the favour.
ETA: If (as Prawn rightly points out) the word count is a bit daunting, a chapter exchange would also be massively appreciated.
Many thanks and cheers,
Lisa.
I have a fantasy MS, approx. 160,000 words that after a couple of edits I abandoned a while back (mainly because I had a new story idea clambering for attention). What I think I need to get me over my slump with this story is a fresh set of eyes to point out the bad bits.
The story, while fantasy, is not the usual sort. Heavily character based with very little 'magic'. Here's part of the oh so dramatic synopsis...
Luonta, a peaceful covenant between humans and the wild world, is under threat. The Temples, once a haven, are now a target. The Armonaias, leaders of Luonta, elegant and graceful, are now savage heretics worthy only of death.
Taiva, the sky cult, is the new power. Their Prophet has shown them the truth of the world. Only humans possess a spirit, only humans are capable of conscious thought. Animals are primitive and savage, unworthy of the deep consideration Luonta gives them. The spirit is eternal and, when released from the flesh by the Prophet’s Fire, is free to soar amongst the stars. Non-believers are condemned to rot forever in the filthy ground.
The last Temple of Luonta has fallen, its Armonaia sacrificed to the flames. Taiva is free to stand unchallenged over all Maaperia – except that one person has witnessed the violent death Taiva unleashed on the women of the Temple.
Niina knows something dangerous, but she has done something even worse – killed a leader of Taiva. It was done in self-defence but she knows that means nothing to those who will hunt her down. With the aid of mysterious Ulrik, she flees her home to start a new life in hiding. She takes with her the Tooth, a talisman that gives its bearer unparalleled access to Grace, the energy of the world that gives life to all. To Niina it gives a vision of Ulrik in danger. Niina’s desire to help Ulrik will take her to an island where she will have to discover the strength within in order to survive.
Kosketu Island. Continually ravaged by rough weather, surrounded by violent waters and kept under siege by a giant, great white shark. Niina finds Ulrik to warn him of the danger, only to find him angry that she followed him, scornful of her attempt to protect him. Abandoned and trapped on Kosketu, she must learn to cope with the dull, mindless island folk and how to avoid Mikael, a man with a frightening ability to reach deep inside people, touch their spirit and drain something vital from them.
As Niina attempts to become part of the community, strange events from her past – something trying to drown her in a river, something ransacking her room while she slept – manifest as the ghost of the man she killed. In the waters, the giant shark becomes even more restless. To the north, a great storm is brewing. Within the very core of the island a dark, twisted taint grows larger. And Mikael becomes obsessed with Niina, convinced hers is the spirit that will finally satisfy his perverse hunger.
I'm not after a line by line or in depth crit. Just a learned opinion on what works and what doesn't. And some advice on where to cut the word count would be great.
I am more than willing to return the favour.ETA: If (as Prawn rightly points out) the word count is a bit daunting, a chapter exchange would also be massively appreciated.
Many thanks and cheers,
Lisa.
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