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AmusingMuse
09-08-2008, 11:59 PM
Okay, I just got off the phone with my eldest daughter, she's 23. This is the daughter that just announced one day that she isn't interested in the family business and oops, sorry mom I know you've been training me to take over... but sh.... happens. She is the one who told us that this boyfriend would have to give her a ring before she moved in with him, and oops sorry mom I'm moving to Cambridge and shacking up with him tomorrow. Her little sister, doesn't understand why she wanted to leave suddenly and now is having nightmares because Jessie is gone. Gave up her job, her friends and her family all for this idiot.

So anyway, I digress, or is that digest, ya maybe that-- his heart served on a wooden stake. Oh boy! She told me that their furniture came in all wrong. He had gotten it all at some bargain shop because they don't have enough money after the rent. They don't have a mattress because her bf refuses to buy one. He wants to see if he can mooch it off the insurance company who is handling his accident. He was in an accident six years ago. He has a bad back. I asked my daughter, so where are you sleeping? On the floor, she tells me.

And she gave up what for this?

Asked her how the new job is going. She drives 45 minutes to an hour one way. She quit her old job because she didn't like the drive--it was 45 minutes to one hour, one way. She said it's okay, but it's not something she wants to do for the rest of her life. They bought these vertical blinds for their large windows, they're on the ground floor. The track came in all bent to snot, so now they have no curtains on their windows. Their bedding isn't in yet, which according to her is okay, well yes it is okay--they have no freaking bed with a mattress to put it on. So now they're camping out on the floor in sleeping bags on the ground floor, sleeping on an air mattress. This is good for the back? And apparently while they were being intimate, a bag person was looking in on them yesterday morning. Why does she think I need to know this?

God help me, this is not the life I envisioned for my daughter. Why is she so stupid when it comes to men. She is smart in every other aspect of her life, but when it comes to a boy, and I use that term loosely, she becomes this idiot who can't think straight. To give up all her dreams and she did have some great ones, all her friends, they're as stunned as we are-- her family, we've been discarded like an old worn shirt that serves no further , her income and independence to shack up with this free-loader... I am at my wits end.

My mom told me that I need to let her do this, but it's killing me. I want to take this idiot boy and shake the crap out of him. He doesn't own a car, my daughter has her own, because he wants to get one off the insurance company. He's milking this accident to the limits. How can she stay with someone like this who does not deserve her. He calls her his little trophy. I want to slap him silly. My husband is devastated by her actions, they were very close. She's damaged a lot of relationships by doing this and doesn't care. I'm almost ready to wash my hands of it all, but not until I've sampled fresh, roasted heart.

Argggh! And I'm suppose to have a clear mind to write.

Shadow_Ferret
09-09-2008, 12:02 AM
He calls her his little trophy. I want to slap him silly.
Can we form a line?

CaroGirl
09-09-2008, 12:08 AM
She's 23 and has to make all her own mistakes. If she asks your opinion, give it. If not, I'm afraid you have to bite your tongue or risk that she'll stop calling you.

This advice is easy for me to say, mine are only 8 and 11, but I hope I'm able to practise this preachiness when the time comes. Best of luck to you.

Yeshanu
09-09-2008, 12:12 AM
I really hate to say this (I'm a mother of adult kids, too), but you have to let your daughter make her own mistakes.

As for damaging the relationships she has with you, her dad and her other relatives: it's a two way street. Don't let her escapades with the boy colour your relationship with her to the point that it's damaged beyond repair. She's going to need you one day soon, I'm thinking.

The more you protest, the more she's going to side with him over you.

Spend time with her. Don't talk about the boy. Don't criticize. Just have fun. And one day, her eyes will open and the boy will be gone. But you'll still be there.

Ruth, who's talking from experience at the moment.

tjwriter
09-09-2008, 12:17 AM
My brother was/is going through some of this. He's 23 and I'm 26. He has been making less bad decisions for about the last year or so now, but he made some really bad ones before then. My parents were always trying to bail him out of the bad situations he put himself into. I often advocated that he should be left to fall flat on his face as he then would have to deal 100% with the consequences of his actions. There's no better lesson learned than the one you have to learn on your own.

I think CaroGirl has some sound advice. Hopefully she will realize what's going on and the ditch the dumbass. Any guy that called me his trophy would have one stuck up his rear.

I had a friend that dated a leechy loser, and he ended up costing her big time in a credit card catastrophe, but the lesson she learned from this mistake was invaluable.

Pagey's_Girl
09-09-2008, 12:25 AM
I don' have kids, but Gawd, that sounds exactly like a slightly younger friend of mine. How she can be so smart but so dumb when it came to boys, I'll never know.

Caro and Yeshanu are right - anything you say against him is only going to feed her "It's me and my baby against the mean mean world" mentality. She's just going to have to wake up one day - hopefully before too long - and realize that he's using her. (If you're lucky, he'll dump her first, like my friend's loser did. I think she'd still be his little moneybag otherwise....)

Crap, I didn't mean for that to sound so harsh. It just wasn't any fun watching a friend of similar age throw herself away on a total loserboy like that. I know what you mean. I just wanted to grab her, shake her and yell "What the %$^*! is wrong with you?!"

TerzaRima
09-09-2008, 12:45 AM
Why is she so stupid when it comes to men.

She's 23. A lot of young people go through the discard pile, romantically speaking, before figuring it out.

Yeshanu
09-09-2008, 01:10 AM
And some girls see the good in the boy (and there's always good to see) and think they can "save" him. It takes a few tries before they realize if he doesn't have his stuff together when they start going out, he ain't going to magically get it together when they start sharing an apartment.

Works the other way, too. I've known of a few guys who have hooked up with freeloaders...