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View Full Version : How do you determine if you've been handed MORE than you can handle?



jennifer75
09-04-2008, 04:01 AM
or something like that...

I overheard a conversation today between two men who clearly hadn't seen one another for I'm guessing the duration of the summer break away from school as that is where I overheard the conversation, first day of school, meeting in the hall...

Either way, one asked the other how he was doing, in which the other replied "Ah could'a been worse, could'a been worse..."

It followed with an "ah, well are you alright? Is everybody still livin? You still got both your parents? Kids Ok?"

His reply was "yea, yea, nothin like that so like I said, could'a been worse, right?"

The other gentleman then said that "HE wouldn't ever give you more than you can handle" and it struck me like a ton of bricks to the chest.

More than I can handle? Who determines this? When do you reach the max of what you can handle? Who tells you you've met that max and things will not get worse?

Cause let me tell you, some days I just think all has gone to hell and aint nothin gonna get any better. And then something else craps out, leading me further into this hole I've been trying to dig myself out of.

What do you think? This isn't a plea for sympathy or a beg for mercy in any way, I'm just curious if you've been here/there and wondered the same thing.

Now...on to the interesting part:

I later find out, because the misses came along apparently they were meeting at the school to pick up the kids, but came seperately because they were divorcing, he had brought paperwork for her to sign, she yelled at him for being at the school, he wasn't "supposed to be there", then I overheard him say "restraining order?" so yea, it's not a pretty situation for them, and I felt bad immediately for being in earshot of this debacle.

It was one of those moments where I stepped outside of my world, and saw somebody elses colapse. And it didn't feel good. Those kids running up to him, excited to see him, her not thrilled with his being there, and knowing that her heart must have been pounding, as she stood there, tapping her foot on the ground, arms folded under her breasts.

God. When have we been handed enough?

Kitrianna
09-04-2008, 04:12 AM
I couldn't tell ya that. I've been wrestling with that question myself for the past month or so. Everytime I say that it can only get better, something happens that makes it all worse. Yes, there are bright spots, like having people here that I can talk to and who understand. And other good things like finding a potential apartment (I say potential because it boils down to money now, which I have less than none of), but it's definitely been a test of faith.

Judg
09-04-2008, 04:59 AM
It is almost invariably more than you would have thought possible.

willfulone
09-04-2008, 05:16 AM
We can all think, "how could this get or be any worse?". Then, we find it can (and does) get worse. We soldier through that and believe we have hit the bottom THAT time. Again, we are smacked in the head and realize that what we thought was bad the time before was (maybe) not so bad. We move on. Then we read something in the paper, see it on the news, hear it at the market or at work that makes us think "At least I did not have to endure THAT!" And we realize, it really could always be worse.

We all have tremendous capacity to survive and move ahead from things we thought we could never endure. I don't think we ever know when enough is enough until we cannot get up in the morning and go on.

As long as we are on this side of the daisies, it could always be worse and it is worth it to soldier on.

Judg
09-04-2008, 05:17 AM
Recommended reading: The Hiding Place.

Beach Bunny
09-04-2008, 05:45 AM
More than I can handle? Who determines this? When do you reach the max of what you can handle? Who tells you you've met that max and things will not get worse?

Cause let me tell you, some days I just think all has gone to hell and aint nothin gonna get any better. And then something else craps out, leading me further into this hole I've been trying to dig myself out of.

*snip*

God. When have we been handed enough?

LOL ... Aw jeez, there have been days when my sword has been dragging in the mud and if one more dragon needed to be slayed ... well, it wasn't getting slain by ME.

Right now I feel like one of the moles in that arcade game called "Whack a mole". The one where the little animal sticks it's head up out of hole and the player beats it on the head? It seems like every time I think things are going to get better, something comes along and whacks me on the head. :(

So, when have we been handed enough? When you can't lift the sword off the ground or you've hunkered down and aren't going to poke your head out of that hole, no way, no how. :flag: That's when you've been handed enough.

And those people who say "God only hands you as much as you can handle?" Somedays I'd like to choke the sh*t out of them. :tongue

Devil Ledbetter
09-04-2008, 05:56 AM
Hmm, Jennifer. Of all the platitudes out there, "God doesn't give us more than we can handle" or the secular version "Life doesn't give you more than you can handle" are what I hate to hear most. The only people spouting this garbage are those who've yet to be "given" more than they can handle.

This year, my former neighbor and longtime casual friend was given more than he could handle. A business that had been his dream, which he'd remortgaged his beloved historic home of 23 years to fund, and which he ran successfully for a few years with his talented young adult daughter, went belly up. Then his wife had a stroke and resigned from the job that may have been the only thing keeping them afloat. Then the bank repossessed their home and was in the process of evicting them.

Here is how he "handled" it. (http://blog.mlive.com/bctimes/2008/08/police_bay_city_couple_victims.html)

Yes, life indeed gives people more than they can handle.

It sucks when people pretend otherwise.

StoryG27
09-04-2008, 06:06 AM
Yeah, DL, that is a tragic example of being given more than you can handle.

When my niece was diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumor, it was more than my sister could handle, so she, doing what she could, held to denial and accepted what she could when she could. Having no money, she had to move in with her ex husband so Devan could get the care she needed, the ex (father of Devan) decides to start dating and then moves in his girlfriend of a couple of weeks with him, my sister, their dying child, and two other older children. That too was more than my sister could handle. Then Devan died, and she dressed Devan's corpse in her prettiest dress, cradled her one last time, carried her outside and laid her on the gurney, seeing and touching her youngest child for the last time. That was more than she could handle. And she, a very religious person, HATES when people say God/Life never gives you more than you can handle, because she knows it's just not true. She got through it, continues to get through it every day, has recently found a great guy and remarried, but she still hasn't "handled" it all yet, she says she probably never will.

Silver King
09-04-2008, 06:10 AM
...God. When have we been handed enough?
That's an interesting question, one that I've struggled to understand most of my life. It seems that bad things happen to us in bunches, piling up higher and higher and higher until our backs are breaking, the very spines creaking under the load.

One thing I've found that helps, and this won't work for everyone, is to not focus solely on my problems, no matter how bad they appear at the time. Even though I can't avoid the worst issues, and I continue to deal with them, I try not to focus my strengths in areas I have little or no control over. This way, I have enough energy left to deal with other aspects of my life that require as much if not more so attention to balance out the good with the bad.

I realize that sounds overly simplified, but that's all the energy I have to share, as I'm too busy dealing with some serious shit at the moment. :)

Susie
09-04-2008, 06:35 AM
I sometimes think we've had more than we can handle from bankruptcy to sinkholes to too-numerous house problems to count, to always having serious health probs. one after the other. It would have been more than we could handle, were it not for you wonderful friends who helped us through one of our roughest period. For that, you will forever be thought of as friends & family. Many thanks. Sure sorry for what everyone has had to go through... Good question, jenn.

jennifer75
09-04-2008, 09:34 AM
It is almost invariably more than you would have thought possible.

Thanks everybody for your posts...

I cringe when I think I've had it so rough and then realize it can get worse, and may.

My "problems" can all be fixed, mended, altered in a way that makes them more tolerable, which ever.

However that doesn't make then any easier to endure. I am blessed with good health, a place to live, a job and a car, and while I struggle with other things, it could be worse. ALOT WORSE.

I'm thankful for what I have, and understand that somebody wants me to understand that what I'm going through is for my own good, a life lesson if you may.

My speedbumps are just that, compared to some of your stories.

ErylRavenwell
09-04-2008, 12:41 PM
As I've always said, "Life is a brute with a penchant for backstabbing."

Always keep a vigilant on that sonofa or it'll come at you like a brick wall.

But if worse comes to worst, note that God is useful, too...as an emotional punching bag. I've never ceased to believe.

Unique
09-04-2008, 02:56 PM
On a side note :
"HE wouldn't ever give you more than you can handle"

I, too, think this is complete and utter bullshit.

HE doesn't give us any of the crap that comes our way. Life does, the world does, other people do, and sometimes we, ourselves, created the stress that burdens us.

I try to deal with it all by entering the 'fuck it' mode. Whatever happens, happens. When I get myself into the headspace of, 'I don't care what happens' - any way the frog jumps is A-OK with me, then I know I'll be all right.

How much is too much?

When it kills you, I guess.

YMMV

Priene
09-04-2008, 03:21 PM
How do you determine if you've been handed MORE than you can handle?

Quite often that's the point at which mental illness starts.

rhymegirl
09-04-2008, 04:09 PM
I don't like that expression, "God doesn't give you more than you can handle."

I think it's just something people say when they don't know what else to say.
And actually, I was surprised to hear younger people saying that(I'm assuming it's younger people since you said they had school-age kids) because I thought it was something old people say.

I think we all have bad things happen to us. Some people handle problems better than others. I did learn recently from counseling that it's important to think positive when bad things are happening or else more and more bad things happen. Walking around with negative feelings just seems to make other bad things happen and it spirals out of control.

When my husband was unemployed a few years ago, he was pretty negative and it's certainly understandable. But I had to keep telling him, "Something good will happen." He had to be as upbeat as possible when going for interviews or else he wouldn't get hired. You have to go in there smiling and have a positive attitude even if you really don't feel very happy. It took a while but he did land a good job.

So rather than telling people "God doesn't give you more than you can handle", I'd rather say, "I'm sorry about your situation, but just remember something good will happen." It's a way of acknowledging someone's hardship, but trying to tell them or make them feel as if somehow they will get through it. You can't dwell on the negative because that makes things worse.

jennifer75
09-04-2008, 08:09 PM
Another point I wanted to make - while I was "observing" this divorcing couple verbally duke it out in the hall way of the first grade class their daughter was attending, two things came to mind. The old "Be strong for the kids sake...." or "don't let them see you cry" ....

I'm sorry, but I find it hard and I'm sure others too, to be strong for OURSELF let alone the litter. When is it ok to say "You know, Timmy, Mommy is upset, Mommy is hurt, Mommy is angry..." without traumatizing Timmy? We have to be these rocks, yet when we pretend that everything is ok, THEY KNOW. So we hide our feelings, lie to them, and deceive ourself.

The other thing is, I felt strangely bonded to them. If that makes sense. And that bothered me.

It was like looking into a mirror; her expressions, his expressions, his body language, her body language, the kids - completely aware, but denying any wrong in the situation. I was able to put into perspective the things that are on my mind, in my life, because I saw this couple falling to pieces. And that was creepy.

Again, just some thoughts...

On another note... and this might take the thread to the TIO boards, don't know, and I hope I don't step on any toes...

But what are your thoughts on those people that rely solely on HIM to save them, pull them from their hell, etc. instead of actually trying to do something about it themself?

I have a friend that was going through very hard times, health and finances, and she took the approach that HE will heal her when HE is ready and able, HE will provide a job for her when HE sees that it is time, HE will take care of her. She needn't do a thing, except carry her faith with her to church every Sunday. And pray. And spread the word.

I'm not gonna lie, when she told me that she wasn't going to look for a job, because HE would bring her one, I wanted to slap her.

I believe HE is here for a reason, but it is not to score me that job I've been dying to land. I think HE is here to give me something to think about, to help me put things into perspective, and understand things better, to guide me, but not to do anything FOR me. My problems are incurred by myself and those I allow to be around me, my accomplishments are mine, with the help of those I allow to be involved, my mind is mine, with ideas I accept from others and what I learn from others.

NeuroFizz
09-04-2008, 08:13 PM
When have we been handed enough?

No matter how much we feel like Lucy* at the candy conveyor belt, we just need to check, at the end of the day, to see if there is candy strewn on the floor.

*from the classic I Love Lucy candy factory episode

StoryG27
09-04-2008, 08:14 PM
I think when people say they are going to let God take control and such, it isn't usually to shirk responsibility, it's just their way of acknowledging they don't have control of everything and that there has to be a power bigger than them, there has to be a reason for it all, or they'd go insane. I think it is a way of letting go. I'm not religious, but when I hear people saying they'll let God "take the wheel" it is usually because they've done all they can and now they have to let go, relax, and just believe. IMO, there's nothing wrong with that.

If people do nothing and expect God to take care of their every need. . . Well, good luck with that.

DeleyanLee
09-04-2008, 08:25 PM
But what are your thoughts on those people that rely solely on HIM to save them, pull them from their hell, etc. instead of actually trying to do something about it themself?

Two things came to mind when I read that part of your post:

1) God helps those who help themselves.

2) A joke:
A man prays to win the lottery so he can do good for his family and his community. He prays and prays and prays for weeks on end, but he never hits. One day he's praying and an angel appears before him.

"Am I going to win the lottery?" the man asks.

"Meet God halfway," the angel replies. "Buy a ticket."

Pagey's_Girl
09-04-2008, 09:36 PM
2) A joke:
A man prays to win the lottery so he can do good for his family and his community. He prays and prays and prays for weeks on end, but he never hits. One day he's praying and an angel appears before him.

"Am I going to win the lottery?" the man asks.

"Meet God halfway," the angel replies. "Buy a ticket."

LOL! So true....

There's another joke I heard about a man stranded on his roof during a flood. He prays for God to save him. Sure enough, soon, a boat comes along.

He tells them "No, I'm waiting for God to save me."

He prays some more. Another boat comes along.

Again: "No, God will save me!"

A helicopter comes along.

Again: "No, God will save me!"

Well, the man drowns, goes to Heaven and asks God, "Why didn't You save me?!"

To which God replies: "Dude, I sent you two boats and a helicopter! What else did you want me to do?"

But seriously, back to the original question - I don't think God (or the Goddess, for that matter) will throw more at you than you can handle - but life sure as heck will. And realizing you've hit your breaking point isn't a sign that you've failed - it's just means that you're human.

DeleyanLee
09-04-2008, 09:41 PM
But seriously, back to the original question - I don't think God (or the Goddess, for that matter) will throw more at you than you can handle - but life sure as heck will. And realizing you've hit your breaking point isn't a sign that you've failed - it's just means that you're human.

I can handle a lot--and I always have and I still do. I have what is considered a high stress job and a not-good personal/family life, etc. There are times when I just have too many balls to juggle and more coming at me and that's the time when I've got to admit that it's too much and ask for help. Sometimes it's just someone to talk to. Sometimes it's someone who'll juggle a ball or two. Sometimes it's someone who'll let me run away and take a break for a while and then pass it back to me in a more manageable fashion. Sometimes I just have to throw some balls back and remember how to say and mean "No!"

What I think is sad is that so many people (self-included) have been trained that asking--even accepting help is bad. Mankind wasn't ever meant to be totally self-reliant, no how much we delude ourselves that we are.

Yeshanu
09-04-2008, 11:57 PM
The other gentleman then said that "HE wouldn't ever give you more than you can handle" and it struck me like a ton of bricks to the chest.

More than I can handle? Who determines this? When do you reach the max of what you can handle? Who tells you you've met that max and things will not get worse?

Cause let me tell you, some days I just think all has gone to hell and aint nothin gonna get any better. And then something else craps out, leading me further into this hole I've been trying to dig myself out of.

What do you think? This isn't a plea for sympathy or a beg for mercy in any way, I'm just curious if you've been here/there and wondered the same thing.



Yes. Definitely been there. I'll spare you the details, but let you in on a few secrets I've learned in the past fifteen years.

1) As long as you're still breathing in and out on a regular basis, you're handling it. Don't berate yourself for not doing more than that if that's all you're capable of doing.

2) It does get better, if you're willing to put in the effort. But not instantly, and not even soon if the hole you're in is deep enough. It took me thirteen years to really feel good about living after my life fell apart, and I'm still working to clean up the mess I made when I was only able to breathe in and out. But I'm happy now, really, really happy. And I don't use drugs to get that way. :D

3) Friends are great. Friends can be lifesavers. Value them.

4) Give to people who are worse off than you. And if you don't think anyone could be as badly off as you, click here (http://www.globalrichlist.com/).

5) Smile, even if you don't feel like it, and pretty soon you'll perk up. Sounds silly to someone who's depressed, but I've tried it and it works. :)

Kitrianna
09-05-2008, 12:37 AM
I just got the straw that broke the camels back. I am to be shipped back to the states due to our inability to secure another place to live. Sorry y`all, but I'm completely miserable and inconsolable right now. I don't want to have to live thousands of miles away from my husband...

Unique
09-05-2008, 02:33 AM
No place to live in Ontario? How can that be?

Kenzie
09-06-2008, 11:08 PM
I'm probably too bitter to be in this thread.

But, here's the thing. I'm 25. I was hit by a car three years ago. I was badly hurt and I was terrified and I couldn't deal with it for a long time afterwards. I went around thinking 'wow, that was the worst thing that's ever happened to me'. Six months later my father died.

My husband's father died when he was young, killed in a car accident where my husband's uncle was driving. His uncle hasn't seen him for years because of the guilt and because of his strong resemblance to his dad - he can't stand to look at him. Ten years ago, his mother started showing signs of dementia. Five years after that she was in a nursing home, three years after that she didn't recognise her son anymore, two years after that, mid-last year, she died. My husband is 28 and he is an orphan. I love my husband and I think he's about the best person in the world, but he is emotionally unstable, somewhat mentally unstable as well, and it all comes back to what's happened to his parents.

But, we have coped with all that - I think it's vastly unfair that between the two of us, we have just one biological parent left, it's just wrong at our age somehow - but we've done pretty well. We have great friends and a great life.

Nearly two weeks ago now, one of our best friends committed suicide. This was his third or fourth attempt, and the previous ones landed him in psychiatric hospitals for months on end and left the rest of us sick with worry and questioning ourselves and what we could do to save him. Bottom line, we didn't save him. And this, I think, is more than we can handle. We'll get on with life, sure, we'll still laugh and have fun sometimes, sure, but something's been taken away from us again and this time it's just too big. My husband said just after we found out - "I don't think I'll ever get over this" and at the time I thought, well, we're still in the most intense part of grief, we'll probably feel differently later. Now, I can say that we're almost through that first part of the grieving process, and I agree with him. We will never get over this. We will never reconcile it in ourselves or in the universe at large. We'll never understand. And - although neither of us is overly religious anyway and I've never been religious even slightly in a Christian sense (my beliefs lie elsewhere) - we will never forgive god, if he/she/it is responsible for all this. It's not just about us - our friend's mental problems were heavily linked to his spiritual leanings and his obsession with religion of all kinds and making himself a perfect person. His most recent religious transformation was as a Christian, a religion he had always had issues with in the past. I'm left feeling so bitter about religion in general. He devoted his life to spirituality and it was too much for him to handle. His suicide is too much for us to handle. And the bitterness is greatly strengthened by the fact that his most recent god is one who would apparently condemn him to an eternity in hell for what he did, after he already spent a good portion of his life in hell anyway.

In conclusion - god, life, etc. - very often does give us more than we can handle. And anyone who believes otherwise is probably in for the shock of their lives. If they get through life still believing that at the end, they are incredibly lucky and I envy them immensely.