Control Freaks in Marriages...

upsidedowngrl

Noelle Nolan
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I'm in the middle of completing an article on "Control Freaks in Marriages" - The good kind as well as the bad kind. I have an experts quote, but I'd also like to add a "real person's" quote in as well.

I have 2 questions:

1. Who is the Control Freak in your marriage? You or your spouse? The bad kind (Freaky Control Freak) or the good kind (Funky Control Freak)?

2. How has being a Control Freak (bad or good) benefited or not benefited you or your loved ones?

Thank you everyone.

UpSideDownGrl
 

Robert Toy

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IMO all control freaks are bad, unless the one being controlled is into submission.

Not a healthy relationship.
 

Carmy

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Yep, control freaks are bad, bad, bad. Who died and made them God?
 

Robert Toy

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I have an experts quote, but I'd also like to add a "real person's" quote in as well.

1 - Experts are real people...:D

2 - I wish you would share their quote, especially if it involves a "good" control freak.
 

Clair Dickson

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A person will only be controlled if they let themselves be. Most relationships have some degree of give and take, but in one with a control freak, it will be lopsided.

Now, my husband would prefer that I make all the decisions because "I care more about them." This may make me a "control freak" but the truth is I don't want to control this partnership. Someone who is being controlled has some desire to be that way-- maybe then they feel they can't be blamed when something goes wrong because they didn't make the decision. There are other reasons too-- some of them buried deep in the psyche.

The only good kind of "Control Freak" is one who doesn't think about themselves, but focuses on their partner's happiness. But not with resentment-- it can't be a "I did EVERYTHING for YOU!" sort of weapon. It has to be out of love and respect. Someone who will guide the ship with benevolence and concern, putting their partner first. And both people have to feel that they are valued. Even the submissive partner-- that's where most controlled relationships go wrong, I think. They let themselves be controlled (for whatever psychological reason) but resent their partner for being controlling... you can only be controlled if you let yourself.

I try to be the benevolent captain and have at times had to fight my husband to get him to tell me what he WANTS so that we can meet his wants, too. I may be the Captain, but I am nothing without a happy crew. (Though if I was single, I would have a one person skiff and that would be okay, too! Because I am part of a team, I have to consider that, but I don't want it to come off that I woudl somehow think I have less worth if I was single.)
 

upsidedowngrl

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What's a Funky Control Freak?

A funky control freak is what is known as someone who like order. Everything needs its place. These type of people usually are in control of their lives, they know what they want, when they want it and how they want it. They are usually very outgoing.
 

Siddow

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Uh-oh...I'm the control freak. :)

Sometimes it's good and sometimes it's bad. When it's bad, the hubby lets me know. I'm just a planner and organizer. We recently went on vacation where the hubs and I sat down and decided together where we would go, we looked at places to stay together and made a mutual decision. Good, right? Well, then the planner in me went on a bender of researching entertainment venues, restaurants, tide schedules, mapped out the directions from the condo to the grocery store...I ended up with an entire folder of restaurant reviews, maps, printouts of online coupons, etc.

lol.

I think the family benefits from this kind of control freakishness ("That looks like a good place to eat!" "They got a 79 on their last health inspection. No."). But one thing I've bit my tongue on is that I have different colored hangers for each member of the family, and when the hubby helps with the laundry, he does it all wrong. So I'm not THAT freakish that I'd screw up a good thing by screaming at my husband about hangers. :)
 

Robert Toy

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A person will only be controlled if they let themselves be.
Ouch!

Sorry, but I have been too close to control freaks and that is a really simplistic POV of a person in a controlled, and yes typically abusive relationship (mental abuse is as bad as physical abuse). Not too short of blaming the victim.
 

Siddow

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Ouch!

Sorry, but I have been too close to control freaks and that is a really simplistic POV of a person in a controlled, and yes typically abusive relationship (mental abuse is as bad as physical abuse). Not too short of blaming the victim.

Really? I kinda agree with her. If one person is a control freak and the other one doesn't like it, they can just leave, right? I know I left someone who thought it was his job to tell me what to do, where to go, what to wear, what to say...if I'd've stuck around for more of that, it would be my fault, no? (not my fault that he was like that, but that I was tolerating it)
 

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A funky control freak is what is known as someone who like order. Everything needs its place. These type of people usually are in control of their lives, they know what they want, when they want it and how they want it. They are usually very outgoing.

Interesting. I never heard the term before.

I'm not married, but I can think of at least one person who would say she is Funky when the reality is that she is Freaky.

Maybe there is a fine line btwn Funky and Freaky. Your article sounds interesting. If you are able to, please post a link when it's completed. I'd like to read it.
 

Robert Toy

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A funky control freak is what is known as someone who like order. Everything needs its place. These type of people usually are in control of their lives, they know what they want, when they want it and how they want it. They are usually very outgoing.
I would consider having to live with a "Monk" personality as the ultimate in a daily egg walking exercise. What a way to live.
 

Tink

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Really? I kinda agree with her. If one person is a control freak and the other one doesn't like it, they can just leave, right? I know I left someone who thought it was his job to tell me what to do, where to go, what to wear, what to say...if I'd've stuck around for more of that, it would be my fault, no? (not my fault that he was like that, but that I was tolerating it)
Unfortunately it isn't that simple in every situation.
 

Robert Toy

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Having zero self-esteem because some ass has drilled into you that you are worthless, "I am the only person who cares anything about you, and I will kill you and the kids if you every think about leaving. Sorry I smacked you around, it was the booze…I swear I will stop drinking and never lay hands on you again, trust me. Love ya."

Far fetch BS…I fear not.
 

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Having zero self-esteem because some ass has drilled into you that you are worthless, "I am the only person who cares anything about you, and I will kill you and the kids if you every think about leaving. Sorry I smacked you around, it was the booze…I swear I will stop drinking and never lay hands on you again, trust me. Love ya."

Far fetch BS…I fear not.

Agreed. Not to mention that the person being abused may not have any money of his or her own to leave because he/she believed in sharing everything in a marriage, which meant only joint accounts. It's easy to say "just leave" in theory, but it's hard in practice.
 
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Tink

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You're right, sometimes you need a lawyer. :)
Yes a lawyer... and a protection order that the local yokal police who happen to be 'the control freaks' buddies won't hold up....

Having zero self-esteem because some ass has drilled into you that you are worthless, "I am the only person who cares anything about you, and I will kill you and the kids if you every think about leaving. Sorry I smacked you around, it was the booze…I swear I will stop drinking and never lay hands on you again, trust me. Love ya."

Far fetch BS…I fear not.
No--- it isn't far fetched, it happens everyday and alot of the times women (mostly women) are too ashamed to admit it to anyone and/or are truely afraid to resist 'the control freaks' orders/demands because she honestly believes 'the control freak' is capeble of anything.

EDT- I forgot to answer the intitial question of this thread. I am not the control freak, I am a *curses* pushover who hates to hurt anyone's feelings even if that someone deserves to be hurt.
 
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jennontheisland

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You mean things like my husband is a nut about keeping the floor clean...He vacuums almost daily and I do all the laundry because the man can't fold a pair of pants without wrinkling them to the point that they need another trip through the dryer?

Or are you talking about stuff like a friend of mine who has no bank card and no idea how much cash is in the joint account because she has a bad track record with cash and her husband doesn't trust her with more than $100 worth of grocery money at a time?
 

Tink

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Agreed. Not to mention that the person being abused may not have any money of his or her own to leave because they were brought up believing that you share everything in marriages and that means only joint accounts. It's easy to say "just leave" in theory, but it's hard in practice.
This is also soo true too.
 

Siddow

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ahem...hot topic for me.

I'll just say this: one person's self-esteem issues are for that one person to deal with.

That is all.
 

Tink

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I agree Siddow.
We all make our own life decisions and sometimes it just takes one person longer than another person to see what they have to do and then to set that plan into motion and to stick to it.
Self-esteem is definitely an issue in certain situations but sometimes fear plays a huge role in some lives.
 

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On the GOOD side, I'm ADHD, if my wife didn't control things in the house, like appointments, school assignments for the kids, know when things were due, we'd be in a world of hurt.

I'm much too flighty and disorganized to keep track of anything other than my writing.
 

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ahem...hot topic for me.

I'll just say this: one person's self-esteem issues are for that one person to deal with.

That is all.

However, even good self esteem can be sapped by the insidious control freak / emotional blackmailer.

I never had a problem with self esteem - till I got together with a bloke who seemed soooo nice. Then it was ( example only - this went on in all aspects of the relationship) 'you look a bit silly wearing that' progressing to 'Don't wear that you look stupid' then to 'only tarts wear that' to 'you aren't wearing that!' progressing to....

I'm sure you get the picture. The guy I was with was a 'pro' self esteem eroder, he started off small and progressed in tiny increments so you hardly noticed ( so he felt better, because someone else felt worse than him. And because I wouldn't leave him if I had no self esteem. If I was confident I might see what a tosser her was) Basically the further he got into the relationship, the more he controlled. At the start he was lovely, kind, affectionate, proud to be with me. At the end he convinced everyone I knew that I was mad and almost had me convinced too.

Three months after I finally plucked up the courage to leave him ( even though I was convinced no other man would be bothered to have me because I was so ugly / tarty / stupid / paranoid/ plain old bunny boiler material) I was back to my old bouncy self.
 

Robert Toy

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On the GOOD side, I'm ADHD, if my wife didn't control things in the house, like appointments, school assignments for the kids, know when things were due, we'd be in a world of hurt.

I'm much too flighty and disorganized to keep track of anything other than my writing.
That is far from being a control freak, a control freak is going to dictate when and what you write.

Maybe even help you along by telling your writing sucks and needs x, y or z…which you are obviously incapable of doing.
 

Bubastes

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That is far from being a control freak, a control freak is going to dictate when and what you write.

Maybe even help you along by telling your writing sucks and needs x, y or z…which you are obviously incapable of doing.

Or tell you to stop writing altogether.