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upsidedowngrl
08-26-2008, 10:53 PM
I'm in the middle of completing an article on "Control Freaks in Marriages" - The good kind as well as the bad kind. I have an experts quote, but I'd also like to add a "real person's" quote in as well.

I have 2 questions:

1. Who is the Control Freak in your marriage? You or your spouse? The bad kind (Freaky Control Freak) or the good kind (Funky Control Freak)?

2. How has being a Control Freak (bad or good) benefited or not benefited you or your loved ones?

Thank you everyone.

UpSideDownGrl

escritora
08-26-2008, 11:08 PM
What's a Funky Control Freak?

Robert Toy
08-26-2008, 11:12 PM
IMO all control freaks are bad, unless the one being controlled is into submission.

Not a healthy relationship.

Carmy
08-26-2008, 11:14 PM
Yep, control freaks are bad, bad, bad. Who died and made them God?

Robert Toy
08-26-2008, 11:20 PM
I have an experts quote, but I'd also like to add a "real person's" quote in as well.

1 - Experts are real people...:D

2 - I wish you would share their quote, especially if it involves a "good" control freak.

Clair Dickson
08-26-2008, 11:22 PM
A person will only be controlled if they let themselves be. Most relationships have some degree of give and take, but in one with a control freak, it will be lopsided.

Now, my husband would prefer that I make all the decisions because "I care more about them." This may make me a "control freak" but the truth is I don't want to control this partnership. Someone who is being controlled has some desire to be that way-- maybe then they feel they can't be blamed when something goes wrong because they didn't make the decision. There are other reasons too-- some of them buried deep in the psyche.

The only good kind of "Control Freak" is one who doesn't think about themselves, but focuses on their partner's happiness. But not with resentment-- it can't be a "I did EVERYTHING for YOU!" sort of weapon. It has to be out of love and respect. Someone who will guide the ship with benevolence and concern, putting their partner first. And both people have to feel that they are valued. Even the submissive partner-- that's where most controlled relationships go wrong, I think. They let themselves be controlled (for whatever psychological reason) but resent their partner for being controlling... you can only be controlled if you let yourself.

I try to be the benevolent captain and have at times had to fight my husband to get him to tell me what he WANTS so that we can meet his wants, too. I may be the Captain, but I am nothing without a happy crew. (Though if I was single, I would have a one person skiff and that would be okay, too! Because I am part of a team, I have to consider that, but I don't want it to come off that I woudl somehow think I have less worth if I was single.)

upsidedowngrl
08-26-2008, 11:28 PM
What's a Funky Control Freak?

A funky control freak is what is known as someone who like order. Everything needs its place. These type of people usually are in control of their lives, they know what they want, when they want it and how they want it. They are usually very outgoing.

Siddow
08-26-2008, 11:30 PM
Uh-oh...I'm the control freak. :)

Sometimes it's good and sometimes it's bad. When it's bad, the hubby lets me know. I'm just a planner and organizer. We recently went on vacation where the hubs and I sat down and decided together where we would go, we looked at places to stay together and made a mutual decision. Good, right? Well, then the planner in me went on a bender of researching entertainment venues, restaurants, tide schedules, mapped out the directions from the condo to the grocery store...I ended up with an entire folder of restaurant reviews, maps, printouts of online coupons, etc.

lol.

I think the family benefits from this kind of control freakishness ("That looks like a good place to eat!" "They got a 79 on their last health inspection. No."). But one thing I've bit my tongue on is that I have different colored hangers for each member of the family, and when the hubby helps with the laundry, he does it all wrong. So I'm not THAT freakish that I'd screw up a good thing by screaming at my husband about hangers. :)

Robert Toy
08-26-2008, 11:36 PM
A person will only be controlled if they let themselves be.
Ouch!

Sorry, but I have been too close to control freaks and that is a really simplistic POV of a person in a controlled, and yes typically abusive relationship (mental abuse is as bad as physical abuse). Not too short of blaming the victim.

Siddow
08-26-2008, 11:40 PM
Ouch!

Sorry, but I have been too close to control freaks and that is a really simplistic POV of a person in a controlled, and yes typically abusive relationship (mental abuse is as bad as physical abuse). Not too short of blaming the victim.

Really? I kinda agree with her. If one person is a control freak and the other one doesn't like it, they can just leave, right? I know I left someone who thought it was his job to tell me what to do, where to go, what to wear, what to say...if I'd've stuck around for more of that, it would be my fault, no? (not my fault that he was like that, but that I was tolerating it)

escritora
08-26-2008, 11:43 PM
A funky control freak is what is known as someone who like order. Everything needs its place. These type of people usually are in control of their lives, they know what they want, when they want it and how they want it. They are usually very outgoing.


Interesting. I never heard the term before.

I'm not married, but I can think of at least one person who would say she is Funky when the reality is that she is Freaky.

Maybe there is a fine line btwn Funky and Freaky. Your article sounds interesting. If you are able to, please post a link when it's completed. I'd like to read it.

Robert Toy
08-26-2008, 11:45 PM
A funky control freak is what is known as someone who like order. Everything needs its place. These type of people usually are in control of their lives, they know what they want, when they want it and how they want it. They are usually very outgoing.
I would consider having to live with a "Monk" personality as the ultimate in a daily egg walking exercise. What a way to live.

Tink
08-26-2008, 11:53 PM
Really? I kinda agree with her. If one person is a control freak and the other one doesn't like it, they can just leave, right? I know I left someone who thought it was his job to tell me what to do, where to go, what to wear, what to say...if I'd've stuck around for more of that, it would be my fault, no? (not my fault that he was like that, but that I was tolerating it)
Unfortunately it isn't that simple in every situation.

Siddow
08-26-2008, 11:55 PM
Unfortunately it isn't that simple in every situation.

You're right, sometimes you need a lawyer. :)

Robert Toy
08-26-2008, 11:59 PM
Having zero self-esteem because some ass has drilled into you that you are worthless, "I am the only person who cares anything about you, and I will kill you and the kids if you every think about leaving. Sorry I smacked you around, it was the booze…I swear I will stop drinking and never lay hands on you again, trust me. Love ya."

Far fetch BS…I fear not.

Bubastes
08-27-2008, 12:02 AM
Having zero self-esteem because some ass has drilled into you that you are worthless, "I am the only person who cares anything about you, and I will kill you and the kids if you every think about leaving. Sorry I smacked you around, it was the booze…I swear I will stop drinking and never lay hands on you again, trust me. Love ya."

Far fetch BS…I fear not.

Agreed. Not to mention that the person being abused may not have any money of his or her own to leave because he/she believed in sharing everything in a marriage, which meant only joint accounts. It's easy to say "just leave" in theory, but it's hard in practice.

Tink
08-27-2008, 12:05 AM
You're right, sometimes you need a lawyer. :)Yes a lawyer... and a protection order that the local yokal police who happen to be 'the control freaks' buddies won't hold up....


Having zero self-esteem because some ass has drilled into you that you are worthless, "I am the only person who cares anything about you, and I will kill you and the kids if you every think about leaving. Sorry I smacked you around, it was the booze…I swear I will stop drinking and never lay hands on you again, trust me. Love ya."

Far fetch BS…I fear not.No--- it isn't far fetched, it happens everyday and alot of the times women (mostly women) are too ashamed to admit it to anyone and/or are truely afraid to resist 'the control freaks' orders/demands because she honestly believes 'the control freak' is capeble of anything.

EDT- I forgot to answer the intitial question of this thread. I am not the control freak, I am a *curses* pushover who hates to hurt anyone's feelings even if that someone deserves to be hurt.

jennontheisland
08-27-2008, 12:16 AM
You mean things like my husband is a nut about keeping the floor clean...He vacuums almost daily and I do all the laundry because the man can't fold a pair of pants without wrinkling them to the point that they need another trip through the dryer?

Or are you talking about stuff like a friend of mine who has no bank card and no idea how much cash is in the joint account because she has a bad track record with cash and her husband doesn't trust her with more than $100 worth of grocery money at a time?

Tink
08-27-2008, 12:18 AM
Agreed. Not to mention that the person being abused may not have any money of his or her own to leave because they were brought up believing that you share everything in marriages and that means only joint accounts. It's easy to say "just leave" in theory, but it's hard in practice.
This is also soo true too.

Siddow
08-27-2008, 12:58 AM
ahem...hot topic for me.

I'll just say this: one person's self-esteem issues are for that one person to deal with.

That is all.

Tink
08-27-2008, 01:14 AM
I agree Siddow.
We all make our own life decisions and sometimes it just takes one person longer than another person to see what they have to do and then to set that plan into motion and to stick to it.
Self-esteem is definitely an issue in certain situations but sometimes fear plays a huge role in some lives.

Shadow_Ferret
08-27-2008, 01:16 AM
On the GOOD side, I'm ADHD, if my wife didn't control things in the house, like appointments, school assignments for the kids, know when things were due, we'd be in a world of hurt.

I'm much too flighty and disorganized to keep track of anything other than my writing.

Mr Flibble
08-27-2008, 01:25 AM
ahem...hot topic for me.

I'll just say this: one person's self-esteem issues are for that one person to deal with.

That is all.

However, even good self esteem can be sapped by the insidious control freak / emotional blackmailer.

I never had a problem with self esteem - till I got together with a bloke who seemed soooo nice. Then it was ( example only - this went on in all aspects of the relationship) 'you look a bit silly wearing that' progressing to 'Don't wear that you look stupid' then to 'only tarts wear that' to 'you aren't wearing that!' progressing to....

I'm sure you get the picture. The guy I was with was a 'pro' self esteem eroder, he started off small and progressed in tiny increments so you hardly noticed ( so he felt better, because someone else felt worse than him. And because I wouldn't leave him if I had no self esteem. If I was confident I might see what a tosser her was) Basically the further he got into the relationship, the more he controlled. At the start he was lovely, kind, affectionate, proud to be with me. At the end he convinced everyone I knew that I was mad and almost had me convinced too.

Three months after I finally plucked up the courage to leave him ( even though I was convinced no other man would be bothered to have me because I was so ugly / tarty / stupid / paranoid/ plain old bunny boiler material) I was back to my old bouncy self.

Robert Toy
08-27-2008, 01:25 AM
On the GOOD side, I'm ADHD, if my wife didn't control things in the house, like appointments, school assignments for the kids, know when things were due, we'd be in a world of hurt.

I'm much too flighty and disorganized to keep track of anything other than my writing.
That is far from being a control freak, a control freak is going to dictate when and what you write.

Maybe even help you along by telling your writing sucks and needs x, y or z…which you are obviously incapable of doing.

Bubastes
08-27-2008, 01:27 AM
That is far from being a control freak, a control freak is going to dictate when and what you write.

Maybe even help you along by telling your writing sucks and needs x, y or z…which you are obviously incapable of doing.

Or tell you to stop writing altogether.

Siddow
08-27-2008, 01:33 AM
I think, too, that one person's 'control freak' is another person's 'manager'. It's all in how you look at it.

Another Ferret might complain that his wife micro-managed to the point that he was kept out of the loop on family business, and he might resent his own lack of control over things as important as his children's education.

But our Ferret appreciates it.

Tink
08-27-2008, 01:40 AM
Or tell you to stop writing altogether.Or dictate your computer use or what to cook or when to mow or how to dress and so on and so on....

And as Idiots said earlier alot of times these sort of behaviors are gradual...


You don't even realize WTF is happening until you are so deeply ingrained into his or her life that it takes nothing short of a miracle to change your situation.

Shadow_Ferret
08-27-2008, 02:18 AM
My sister-in-law is a total control freak. Everything that was my brother's was discarded when they married. His collections of movies, including his Speed Racer cartoon collection, his fantasy nicknacks, and even all his art supplies because drawing "was a waste of time and will never amount to anything."

She doesn't visit our house or our mom's, unless she has an exit strategy. One Thanksgiving she ate dinner then said, "Let's go, I've never been so insulted. Did you hear what your mom said before dinner?"

One time in the car he said, "She doesn't think you like her."

And I'm like, "Doesn't think? How much clearer do I need to make it? I can't stand the woman. She's taken everything that made you you and thrown it out, even your balls. You're like a Stepford Husband."

My mom has even offered that he could come live with him if he left her. But he doesn't have the balls (she took them and hid them, remember). He's become very needy and worries about being alone.

Clair Dickson
08-27-2008, 03:15 AM
I do think that the type of 'control' and the intention of the control are key factors in whether it's good or bad. Some people control because they want there partner to stay and the only way they can do that is to set up the situation so the partner feels incapable of leaving (sabotage the self-esteem).

Some people control because someone has to manage things-- my hubby isn't very good at managing things. He's much, much happier when someone just TELLS him what to do. Since he's very afraid of making the wrong decision, he prefers someone to look out for him. Sometimes he'll just not make a decision, espeically if one choice means change...Am I in control of the relationship-- yeah. Far more than he is. But instead of demeaning him for who he is, I always try to bolster him, point out what he's done well, encourage him to try new things, and hopefully make him happy.

I don't like to think I'm a control "freak" as that word is so negatative, but clearly I'm the boss of this house. But hubby is happy. So I am happy. Sometimes I wish we were more partners, but that's not who I married.

And someone criticizing your clothes, music, job, etc is, to me, a warning sign that they're not going to accept you as you... which is a BAD sign. (I also work with high school kids, so I'm supposed to watch them for this too. I'm not sure when I'm supposed to teach! ;-)

ladyvincenza
08-27-2008, 05:02 AM
Heh heh, good topic. I think my mom's hubby is a control freak (he has obsessive compulsive disorder), but my mom is, too, in her own ways. Either way, I think they're good material. I mean, I put them in my stand-up act.

upsidedowngrl
08-27-2008, 03:05 PM
I'd like to thank you all for such great input on the subject. I'll keep you posted on how the article turns out and contact those that I would like to use the quotes from.

Thanks so much, you all are such a great help. Have a great day!

Rae22
08-27-2008, 03:36 PM
However, even good self esteem can be sapped by the insidious control freak / emotional blackmailer.

I never had a problem with self esteem - till I got together with a bloke who seemed soooo nice. Then it was ( example only - this went on in all aspects of the relationship) 'you look a bit silly wearing that' progressing to 'Don't wear that you look stupid' then to 'only tarts wear that' to 'you aren't wearing that!' progressing to....

I'm sure you get the picture. The guy I was with was a 'pro' self esteem eroder, he started off small and progressed in tiny increments so you hardly noticed ( so he felt better, because someone else felt worse than him. And because I wouldn't leave him if I had no self esteem. If I was confident I might see what a tosser her was) Basically the further he got into the relationship, the more he controlled. At the start he was lovely, kind, affectionate, proud to be with me. At the end he convinced everyone I knew that I was mad and almost had me convinced too.

I was in this situation, though not quite to that extreme - other factors in the relationship made me realise what I was doing to myself before I actually married the guy. However, I was essentially living with him, so I'm jumping head first into this thread.

The biggest problem was that it was very easy for me to become isolated. I was at uni in a new area, my parents were far away, my friends all went their separate ways. I didn't make a lot of friends at uni because he didn't make many friends, and wanted a monopoly on my attention. The few friends I had didn't meet his approval, and he constantly found ways to keep me from seeing them. He was also intensely jealous of any male friends I made, to the point where I hardly talked to guys just to avoid the arguments. And it was always the post-argument "I'm sorry, I'll change" speech that never came to anything. Having no self esteem and few people nearby to help you build it back up makes it near impossible to get out of this kind of relationship. I had to move to another country and change all my email and phone numbers to get out of my situation - and even then, it was months before I was able to move on and get back to my confident self.

Another thing that people sometimes overlook is that when the person finally gets up the courage to walk away from the relationship, that isn't the end of it. The other person will do just about anything to get them back. Begging, making promises, even threats. That's the hardest part to deal with, in my opinion; walking away once is hard enough without having that kind of backlash.

Sorry for the rambling post, this is kind of a hot topic for me.

Sassee
08-27-2008, 06:06 PM
I'll echo IdiotsRUs and Rae22. Been there, done it, and it isn't as easy as it sounds. Having the courage to break out of the relationship in the first place and the strength not to simply run back into it because it's the only thing you know is *way* harder than a lot of people think. If you've never been in a controlling relationship like that, don't knock the people in them. That's like me telling you to go climb Mount Everest. It's doable, but it ain't easy.

That said, I also get incredibly irritated with people still in said controlling relationships. I got out of it, why can't they?! Then I have to remind myself how hard it was for me to do it, and then remind myself that some of them don't even know they're in a bad relationship (hey, don't knock that one either, you would be surprised what conditioning does to a person).

Yeah. Anyway. Hot topic for me, too. Sorry to the OP -- no quotes for you! Just had to contribute to the conversation.

Sass,
Who will now skip to the part in her revisions where an abusive person gets his ass kicked.

Mr Flibble
08-27-2008, 07:55 PM
The other person will do just about anything to get them back. Begging, making promises, even threats.

Oh gods yeah! Ringing my new friends and boyfriends to tell them I was a nutter that needed sectioning, then ringing me at work and promising all sorts ( that was embarrassing - I was sitting next to my new boyfriend's Dad at the time)

It helped getting my esteem back when I lost my rag and told him to F off cos he was a complete *string of naughty words* when he kept turning up at my local ( a pub he always slagged off before and wouldn't be seen dead in, and suddenly he was there every night.) I proceeded to tell everyone very loudly exactly what he had done ( especially the bit where he always accused me of having affairs - to keep me upset enough that I wouldn't notice that he was boffing everything in a skirt, and if I did suspect, persuading me I was a paranoid freak that needed locking up).

He packed it in then, and I felt miiiiiles better when I saw all his mates smirking at him. I also explained to them ( I've said this before somewhere) exactly how he'd lied to them all too ( esp not turning up at his best mates wedding. No Mr Best Friend, he wasn't on holiday. He couldn't be arsed to get out of bed)

Man it felt good. Saved having to get an injunction too - it was close but I managed without in the end.

Sassee
08-27-2008, 08:14 PM
Yeah mine was in another state and felt that calling me every 30 seconds for 24 hours straight (middle of one day to middle of next) would serve as a suitable means of bugging the shit out of me since he couldn't be there to do it in person. No, that isn't an exaggeration. *snarls* He had both my cell phone and dorm phone number, so that was not a fun 2 days, and I got like no sleep and was in tears the whole time. Come to think of it, I wonder why my roommate didn't say anything... hmm.

Strangely enough, since making that earlier post I've been pissed to the point of being uber productive. Maybe I should talk about my ex more often.

thethinker42
08-28-2008, 07:49 AM
1. Who is the Control Freak in your marriage? You or your spouse? The bad kind (Freaky Control Freak) or the good kind (Funky Control Freak)?

It's my mother-in-law. Does that count? And it's the bad kind.

ETA: Because I forgot to finish my thought -- Neither my husband nor I are control freaks. We both have our ADD moments, and we both have our OCD moments. LOL We were both with very controlling people prior to getting together, and neither of us can deal with it. So...we do very well together.

His MOTHER is the control freak in our relationship. We don't let her control us anymore, but she certainly still tries. Honestly, I think a third party attempting to meddle/control a relationship can be nearly as toxic as if it were one of the spouses themselves.

kopperhead
08-28-2008, 08:06 AM
A funky control freak is what is known as someone who like order. Everything needs its place. These type of people usually are in control of their lives, they know what they want, when they want it and how they want it. They are usually very outgoing.

Not necessarily. I like to have everything in order, right down to the arrangement of the eggs in the egg carton. (Ok, now that I have admitted that I can never show my face here again. :)) But I think I do it because there are so many things in my life that I can't control. I can control things that do not talk to me or move on their on.

Writer2011
08-28-2008, 08:09 AM
On the GOOD side, I'm ADHD, if my wife didn't control things in the house, like appointments, school assignments for the kids, know when things were due, we'd be in a world of hurt.

I'm much too flighty and disorganized to keep track of anything other than my writing.

I too am ADHD and let my wife make most of the decisions. I wouldn't say she's a control freak...just organized because she's a Librarian at an elementary school. Does that make sense? I hope it does.