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WinterDusk14
08-20-2008, 07:15 PM
Coz right now I am.

I just wish to share my feelings today.

My girlfriend dumped for me for a bottle of beer.

Seriously.

Nov7's supposed to be our anniv.

I'm a guy who doesn't smoke or drink. And would, absolutely, do ANYTHING for his woman. My girlfriend has bad lungs, so she can't smoke. She claimed that "she can't" not because she "doesn't want". So, she drinks. Not much. Responsible drinker from what I hear. But still, she knows how much it hurts me. Its the only thing I ask of her not to do. Some guys may find this problem minor, but its a big deal to me. And just earlier, I understand that's hurting cause she has problems, which are just full of unfulfilled desires. She wants a drink. I stop her, trying to be so patient, asking her not to. Saying, "why do you have to do such nonsense? I'm here for you--" and all that BS. In the end, boy I got it. that's that.

Pretty much killed my writing inspiration (uh, wrong board?=p)

Just sharing guys...

James81
08-20-2008, 07:21 PM
First of all, sorry man. I know it sucks and I feel for you.

But...



And would, absolutely, do ANYTHING for his woman.

there's your trouble right there. Compounded by this:


My girlfriend has bad lungs, so she can't smoke. She claimed that "she can't" not because she "doesn't want". So, she drinks. Not much. Responsible drinker from what I hear. But still, she knows how much it hurts me. Its the only thing I ask of her not to do. Some guys may find this problem minor, but its a big deal to me. And just earlier, I understand that's hurting cause she has problems, which are just full of unfulfilled desires. She wants a drink. I stop her, trying to be so patient, asking her not to. Saying, "why do you have to do such nonsense? I'm here for you--" and all that BS. In the end, boy I got it. that's that.



You are not compatible for each other. It really is that simple.

You may not see this now, but you are better off.

Yeshanu
08-20-2008, 07:26 PM
Winter, I know you're in pain right now. It hurts when we find out that someone we love, who we think loves us, turns out not to love us. And she doesn't.

James is right, though that truth may hurt. She's not the one for you. The one for you is out there, though. Take the time to grieve, then go out and find her.

Hugs for now, though.

maestrowork
08-20-2008, 07:29 PM
Sorry bro, but you'll get over it, and eventually you may even be relieved.

Trust me, I've been there, many times. It WILL get better. Seriously.

Take care.

Don
08-20-2008, 07:34 PM
As the ex-husband of an alcoholic, I'd like you to consider yourself lucky that you got out early. The longer things go on, the worse they get.

WinterDusk14
08-20-2008, 07:35 PM
Thanks guys.

Another share is that. That's just it. We're not compatible. We're exactly the opposite. I'm shy, she's cheerful and friendly. I tend to stay in doors, while she enjoys going out. She's awesome with numbers as I'm 'kind of' awesome with words (compared to her at least haha). Its one of those stuff you see in some romances, that, being the exact opposite of one another completes each other. And so far we've been doing great despite all the differences. I just really don't know what happened just now...

*sighs and hugs Yeshanu back*

Thanks for the kind words guys. Really cheered me a bit.^__^

Shadow_Ferret
08-20-2008, 07:37 PM
And sometimes opposites are just opposites.

NeuroFizz
08-20-2008, 07:38 PM
Tears of grief now may just turn into tears of relief later. And, yes. It's okay to cry. It hurts. It sucks. But it gets better.

There are hundreds of women out there who, with a little change here or there, can be good for you. But there is at least one out there who is perfect for you without you feeling you have to change one bit of her. Screw the odds and look for THAT lady.

Seaclusion
08-20-2008, 07:40 PM
I was going to make one of my usual jokes when I read the title to this thread but after hearing your story that wouldn't be appropriate. Consider yourself lucky. you have found out early that the two of you are not compatible. This relationship would have caused you more grief down the line had it not ended now.

Hang tough and push ahead. You will find someone who shares your values, desires and dreams.

Richard

maestrowork
08-20-2008, 07:40 PM
Screw the odds and look for THAT lady.

Hmmm..... I've been looking... In fact, a few of those slipped away because of bad timing... the odds are not good. If my mother had her way, she would have me "settle down with anyone" by now.

Opps, I'm supposed to cheer him up, not dashing his hopes. My bad.

jannawrites
08-20-2008, 07:43 PM
:Hug2:

James81
08-20-2008, 07:44 PM
Thanks guys.

Another share is that. That's just it. We're not compatible. We're exactly the opposite. I'm shy, she's cheerful and friendly. I tend to stay in doors, while she enjoys going out. She's awesome with numbers as I'm 'kind of' awesome with words (compared to her at least haha). Its one of those stuff you see in some romances, that, being the exact opposite of one another completes each other. And so far we've been doing great despite all the differences. I just really don't know what happened just now...

*sighs and hugs Yeshanu back*

Thanks for the kind words guys. Really cheered me a bit.^__^

Sometimes it's hard to help people realize that they just aren't right for each other, because people fear losing the security of a relationship and fear being alone probably more than anything else. It's why you see people who keep breaking up and getting back together, why people keep have the same problem recur in their relationship every couple of years, and why people stay in abusive relationships.

Rather than cope with the pain, they put themselves in denial and allow themselves to be tossed around by whatever the failing relationship takes them, and then they wake up years later wishing they had the time back that they lost because the pain FINALLY became so great that the pain of being alone didn't seem so bad.

So kudos to you for realizing and admitting that you aren't compatible. That is such a huge step in itself right there.

WinterDusk14
08-20-2008, 07:45 PM
That actually made me laugh.=P

Thanks again for all the positive responses everyone.^^

Right now, I guess I'm just going to heal for a while. Stay single for some time and focus on getting back my motivation in writing. (its the only thing I have leftT_T)

maestrowork
08-20-2008, 07:46 PM
No matter what, you'll get through this grieving period: denial, anger, guilt, resentment, and finally acceptance. The sooner you realize you weren't a good fit to begin with, the sooner you'll get over the grieving process. So cry today. May be tomorrow you'll start going out, having a beer, and meeting new people. :)

WinterDusk14
08-20-2008, 07:48 PM
I was referring to Maesto when I said I laughed.

James: Well, my problem isn't being alone. The problem is, I'm afraid of 'change'. It takes its damn time to sink. Its a manner, I know I should change.~_~

NeuroFizz
08-20-2008, 07:49 PM
Hmmm..... I've been looking... In fact, a few of those slipped away because of bad timing... the odds are not good. If my mother had her way, she would have me "settle down with anyone" by now.
A watched pot never boils...

I have a feeling 2008/2009 is the year* you come to us with a "guess what just happened to me" thread.

*I think in academic years.

WinterDusk14
08-20-2008, 07:49 PM
I think taking a beer would be the least thing I would do after the main reason of the dumping.~_~

maestrowork
08-20-2008, 07:51 PM
I think taking a beer would be the least thing I would do after the main reason of the dumping.~_~

Revenge is sweet...

Kill that bottle, my friend.

;)

NeuroFizz
08-20-2008, 07:52 PM
I was referring to Maesto when I said I laughed.

James: Well, my problem isn't being alone. The problem is, I'm afraid of 'change'. It takes its damn time to sink. Its a manner, I know I should change.~_~
In the meantime, you may not realize it, but you just loaded your fiction gun with some powerful ammo--the emotions that are swirling around and through you right now. Capture them on paper, even if it is just venting. And, if you have to, come join us in the Horror forum. You can do way more than just vent in the traditional way over there. You can tear a person a new one. Literally.

JimmyB27
08-20-2008, 07:53 PM
I'm a guy who doesn't smoke or drink. And would, absolutely, do ANYTHING for his woman.
Anything?


She wants a drink. I stop her, trying to be so patient, asking her not to.
Apparently not.

Robert Toy
08-20-2008, 07:56 PM
That actually made me laugh.=P

Thanks again for all the positive responses everyone.^^

Right now, I guess I'm just going to heal for a while. Stay single for some time and focus on getting back my motivation in writing. (its the only thing I have leftT_T)
Take a good look around you...you have a lot more than you may realize.

WinterDusk14
08-20-2008, 07:57 PM
Maestro: I'd like to see the irony of it some time.=P

Neuro: I think I got what you mean. I'll see what I can come up with today.^^

Jimmy: Well, the mere fact I don't 'force' her to stop is the main factor. Aside from all the things I've done. Things I don't think I'll ever be doing again.~_~

Mom'sWrite
08-20-2008, 08:03 PM
Hon, if you don't want your partner to smoke, don't date a smoker. if you don't want your partner to drink, don't date a drinker, even a social drinker. Going into a relationship with someone that already has the traits/habits that you would like to avoid is cruel for both of you.

rhymegirl
08-20-2008, 08:07 PM
Yes, it is alright for a guy to cry. It makes you human.

Claudia Gray
08-20-2008, 09:28 PM
Hon, if you don't want your partner to smoke, don't date a smoker. if you don't want your partner to drink, don't date a drinker, even a social drinker. Going into a relationship with someone that already has the traits/habits that you would like to avoid is cruel for both of you.

IAWTC. Trying to change someone's habits, when said habit is not self-destructive*, comes too close to being controlling. If not drinking is that important to you, you are best off finding someone for whom it is equally important. Hang in there -- you'll find the person for you someday.

* Alcoholism is of course self-destructive, and if your ex were a problem drinker, stepping in might be a must. But you said she was a responsible social drinker. This means you guys are just fundamentally incompatible, IMHO.

Elaine Margarett
08-20-2008, 09:46 PM
Thanks guys.

Another share is that. That's just it. We're not compatible. We're exactly the opposite. I'm shy, she's cheerful and friendly. I tend to stay in doors, while she enjoys going out. She's awesome with numbers as I'm 'kind of' awesome with words (compared to her at least haha). Its one of those stuff you see in some romances, that, being the exact opposite of one another completes each other. And so far we've been doing great despite all the differences. I just really don't know what happened just now...

^

While opposites attract, at some point in the relationship the differences really will become a problem. You should never have to change for someone (nor they, for you) in order to make a relationship work! Life is hard enough not to have someone at your side who truly gets who you are and appreciates you for it. You can't change this person. You can't save this person. Remember what good you gleamed from the relationship, forget the bad stuff and eventually the pain will go away. (And we've all been there!) Take it as a lesson learned. You'll be better for it in the long run.

EM,
who apologizes for the cliches <g>

maestrowork
08-20-2008, 09:56 PM
While opposites attract, at some point in the relationship the differences really will become a problem. You should never have to change for someone (nor they, for you) in order to make a relationship work!

Well, while I believe in principle that you shouldn't have to change who you are to be in a relationship... I would say "growth" is part of the wonderfulness of being in a relationship, and growth is change. Whether it's to improve yourself, change some bad habits, or become less selfish and more attentive, etc. I think the idea isn't to change who you are to make the other person happy, but to change anyway because it makes you a better person. That's growth, and great relationships should encourage such growths.

TrainofThought
08-20-2008, 10:29 PM
(its the only thing I have leftT_T)You're missing the 'o.' ;)

It's all right to cry, but make sure you get up and move on. I wish you luck.

Remember: Accept, enjoy and appreciate who you are because it doesn't matter who you find if you're not content with yourself. Life can be enjoyed married or single as long as you're happy with YOU.

Kitrianna
08-20-2008, 10:58 PM
It's perfectly acceptable to cry. In fact I would be worried if you weren't. If it helps (I know everyone says that it'll get better) I've been through a similar situation. My ex fiance chose a joint over me. I found out less than a year before the wedding and it hurt like hell. But as everyone has said, it does get better. One of my best friends at the time ended up becoming my husband 3 years later. We have 3 beautiful children and will be celebrating our 9th wedding anniversary on the 28th. Hope I gave you a small amount of hope :)

DL Hegel
08-20-2008, 11:17 PM
Coz right now I am.

I just wish to share my feelings today.

My girlfriend dumped for me for a bottle of beer.

Seriously.

Nov7's supposed to be our anniv.

I'm a guy who doesn't smoke or drink. And would, absolutely, do ANYTHING for his woman. My girlfriend has bad lungs, so she can't smoke. She claimed that "she can't" not because she "doesn't want". So, she drinks. Not much. Responsible drinker from what I hear. But still, she knows how much it hurts me. Its the only thing I ask of her not to do. Some guys may find this problem minor, but its a big deal to me. And just earlier, I understand that's hurting cause she has problems, which are just full of unfulfilled desires. She wants a drink. I stop her, trying to be so patient, asking her not to. Saying, "why do you have to do such nonsense? I'm here for you--" and all that BS. In the end, boy I got it. that's that.

Pretty much killed my writing inspiration (uh, wrong board?=p)

Just sharing guys...
i wish you the best--but i think when you pick your next gal pal. Look at her faults(bad habits) make sure you can deal with them. When we are young we want to rescue people--but some people don't want to be rescued. Don't blame yourself--and if it is something that is interferring with your writing--well write about her--her drinking--your relationship until it has no power over you.

Clair Dickson
08-21-2008, 04:43 AM
You're human. Humans hurt. Hurt can make us cry. I worry about men that 'don't cry' becuase of some superficial reason that seems to go along with a general lack of compassion.

And I second what was said above-- changing because it's supposed to make someone else happy will backfire, usually for both people. Changing because it makes you a better person will usually work out. (Like me learning how to curb my temper. Hubby likes it, but he's not the main reason why I did it. Part of the reason, sure, but I didn't like who I was in that regard.)

Some things we can tolerate in relationships, even if we don't like them. Some things we can't. My two cents? Don't put up with anything now that you wouldn't want to put up with for the REST of your LIFE. You can't except anyone to change. Find the person who's flaws you can live with. =)

POPASMOKE
08-21-2008, 06:52 AM
Winterdusk,

Not to seem insensitive, but, as a recovering alcoholic (last partook in 2003), I'm wondering why it was so important for your friend to stop drinking? You indicated she didn't drink alot. Personally I love to drink, I just can't drink cause I get all stupid, crazy, soggy and hard to light. Many of my friends drink and it doesn't bother me a bit, nor do I let them alter their lifestyle to accomodate my not drinking. I may be wrong, but appears to me like maybe there's a control issue here. If her drinking wasn't in excess, what's the real issue? Morality, religion, alcoholism......? I don't see an automatic incompatability between drinkers and non-drinkers.

creamofmushroom
08-21-2008, 06:55 AM
Here's my comfort list:

1) Get some Betty Crocker Warm Delights and gorge on them.

2) Get a GIGANTIC cookie and nibble on it.

3) Think about squids or octopuses.

4) Watch Amelie

5) Turn the a/c or fan on, get a thick blanket, snuggle into bed and go to sleep. Upon waking go outside and take a walk

Take some time off to dwindle and to "close off" the relationship. Get together with your friends, go partying and encircle new prey

Woodsie
08-21-2008, 07:02 AM
Well, while I believe in principle that you shouldn't have to change who you are to be in a relationship... I would say "growth" is part of the wonderfulness of being in a relationship, and growth is change. Whether it's to improve yourself, change some bad habits, or become less selfish and more attentive, etc. I think the idea isn't to change who you are to make the other person happy, but to change anyway because it makes you a better person. That's growth, and great relationships should encourage such growths.

I agree!

Let yourself cry, get it all out, then run and don't look back. The good ones take longer to come along than all the wrong ones streaming by. Be patient and picky. It pays off.

Fenika
08-21-2008, 07:07 AM
"A man ain't a goddamn ax. Chopping, hacking busting every goddamn minute of the day. Things get to him. Things he can't chop down because they're inside."
Beloved

WinterDusk14
08-24-2008, 05:54 AM
Upon re-reading everything again. I made a mistake on reading Maestro's post. I though he said 'Keep that bottle' when it was 'Kill that bottle." >.>; just wanted to clear that up.

Popasmoke: Well, the big issue is pretty much what Maestro said about changing someone to be a better person. I admit that there was some control issues in the past. But nothing heavy. Like, I wanted to buy the book, 'Good Omens' but then she stopped me and said that I should stop reading fiction, for now. Uh, was that a control issue? I ain't sure. >.>;

Just for an update. We got back together yesterday. She came to me actually. Said our sorry's. I'm willing to give it another shot, she is as well. And we both agreed that it was damn ridiculous to get all fused up over a bottle of beer.>.>;

Again, I'd like to thank you all for the responses. Cheered me up a lot when I was feeling down.^^

roncouch
08-24-2008, 06:21 AM
Winterdusk,

Not to seem insensitive, but, as a recovering alcoholic (last partook in 2003), I'm wondering why it was so important for your friend to stop drinking? You indicated she didn't drink alot. Personally I love to drink, I just can't drink cause I get all stupid, crazy, soggy and hard to light. Many of my friends drink and it doesn't bother me a bit, nor do I let them alter their lifestyle to accomodate my not drinking. I may be wrong, but appears to me like maybe there's a control issue here. If her drinking wasn't in excess, what's the real issue? Morality, religion, alcoholism......? I don't see an automatic incompatability between drinkers and non-drinkers.

I couldn't agree more, Popa. My LD was 1991. Something is wrong with Winterdusk's scenario. If the girlfriend was a drunk, I could see a problem. If not, something else is amiss.