PDA

View Full Version : Question for the married women.



kristie911
08-19-2008, 08:03 AM
No, I'm not planning on getting married but for some reason this is on my mind.

When you got married (or if you plan to get married), what did you do (will you do) with your last name?

Wait! There's a poll coming too! :)

Mandy-Jane
08-19-2008, 08:19 AM
I wanted to take his name. Don't know why really. I guess I'm just a bit of a traditionalist. Now if I'd had an established career under my maiden name before he came along, I would've kept that. But as I was just plain old Mandy who hasn't made it big as a writer yet, I was happy to go with his.

Clair Dickson
08-19-2008, 08:23 AM
I don't associate my identity with my last name, only my first. Maybe because I always figured I'd take my hubby's last name... something of a traditionalist in that way myself.

When I got married, I left behind the family home and the family name to start my own family (still holding at two members!) with hubby.

But I didn't take his first name. I am *NOT* Mrs. Ryan Dickson. I am Ms. Clair Dickson. (The Ms./Mrs. rant is for another time. ;-)

Medievalist
08-19-2008, 08:29 AM
Err . . . what if you're married to a spouse of the same sex and it isn't male?

KC Sunshine
08-19-2008, 08:35 AM
I felt too strange about giving up my name, and I don't understand why women should automatically have to take the man's name. How about a few men taking ours for a change?
I have to say though my husband wasn't too thrilled about it, and it's still a point of contention. We are four years into marriage and I said I would change it if he really wanted me too, and he said it was 'too late now.' Talk about sulky.

willfulone
08-19-2008, 08:42 AM
I am no longer married, but I was once. So, I won't take your married women poll. But, I will answer your question.

I was not so attached to my father's surname for personal reasons. Thus, I was happy to leave the old and move to the new name. When I divorced, I kept the married last name as it does fit on checks and the like when I have to sign stuff rather nicely, in comparsion to the Polish moniker I had prior.

Christine

Siddow
08-19-2008, 08:56 AM
I didn't change my name for over a year after we got married, and then I only did it because we had a baby.

I also didn't add him to my checking account for three years, even though his paychecks were direct deposited there. :) It was my own mother who pointed out, "What if something happens to you? He can't get to his own money!" Ah, mother. Yet again, you foil my evil plans.

Second marriage, learned a lot from the first burn and did not enjoy the fight for my name. Or my money.

kristie911
08-19-2008, 09:04 AM
I took my husband's name when I got married. When I got divorced, I went back to my maiden name...there were a lot of reasons. I'm thinking if I were to get married again, I wouldn't want to change it yet again. Guess that's why I asked...sorry if I offended anyone with my poorly chosen title or question. I guess it wasn't very inclusive.

maestrowork
08-19-2008, 09:10 AM
My friend Ming-Na took her husband's last name in her personal life but professionally, she kept her maiden name until it became a bit too confusing for her children, so she finally dropped the last name professionally. Most other friends took their husbands' last names.

A gay friend of mine combined his and his partner's last names (with a hyphen). Obviously their relationship isn't really "legal" but that's what they did.

katiemac
08-19-2008, 09:12 AM
I'm not helpful. Happily unmarried, but I voted for taking Orlando's last name.

maestrowork
08-19-2008, 09:13 AM
I'm not helpful. I voted for taking Orlando's last name.

I think he should take my last name. Orlando Wong has a really nice ring to it, don't you think?

Southern_girl29
08-19-2008, 09:19 AM
I took my husband's last name, because at the time, I didn't feel very attached to mine. My parents weren't married to each other when I was born, so I took my mom's maiden name. I never really felt like it was mine, so I was happy to take my husband's name.

chevbrock
08-19-2008, 09:20 AM
I took hubby's name because I wanted to.

I've heard of husbands taking their wives names. Paul Waaktaar from A-ha is now Paul Savoy.

EriRae
08-19-2008, 09:21 AM
I happily changed my last name. I'll rep you what it was, if you want to know.

Jersey Chick
08-19-2008, 09:29 AM
I was all too happy to change my maiden name. I hated my maiden name from the time I was old enough to care about it until the day I got married. I still hate it. It amazes me that my SIL (brother's wife) took it willingly. She must've been high...

Of course, my husband's name often requires explanation as well (A lot of people think he's Asian and their heads almost essplode when I explain that the name's Irish, but he isn't. ;)) but I'll take it any day of the week...

Susie
08-19-2008, 09:32 AM
I took my hubby's name when we married, but 36 years ago that was the thing to do. I don't even know if they had it where a woman kept her maiden name. I would do the same thing today. :)

Woodsie
08-19-2008, 09:34 AM
I liked his last name better than mine. ;)

MaryMumsy
08-19-2008, 09:53 AM
Like Susie, I got married 36 years ago. It was the common practice to take the man's name. Today I would keep my maiden name. But I use my maiden name as my middle name.

MM

Neurotic
08-19-2008, 10:09 AM
I'm not married but one of my sisters has been, 3 times. The first two, she took her husband's (husbands'? That's a question for the grammar area) last names, but for the third marriage she kept her second ex-husband's name. If that makes sense.

If I get married I don't know what I'll do. On the one hand, I'm not particularly fond of Mr Me's surname. On the other, it might be nice to stop getting, "K. K., huh? Hope your middle name's not Karen."

Bartholomew
08-19-2008, 10:19 AM
Geez, what a mess everything will be if everyone starts hyphenating. Just imagine six generations from now.

"Do you, Mark Peters-Cunningham-Matthews-Smith-Lopez-Chu take Lisa Slater-O'Donnell-Sledd-Yurt-Fletcher-Banks to be your lawfully wedded wife?"

ErylRavenwell
08-19-2008, 10:52 AM
When my partner said she cannot wait to bear my surname, I surprised her by saying I wanted our names hyphenated. She asked me why (a hint of disappointment in her voice). I told her there's a stigma attached to my surname, and I'm appropriating hers and combining it with mine to form a brand new name so that everyone knows which bloodline is mine. She still may bear my surname but the children must have hyphenated names.

ErylRavenwell
08-19-2008, 10:56 AM
Geez, what a mess everything will be if everyone starts hyphenating. Just imagine six generations from now.

"Do you, Mark Peters-Cunningham-Matthews-Smith-Lopez-Chu take Lisa Slater-O'Donnell-Sledd-Yurt-Fletcher-Banks to be your lawfully wedded wife?"

You can't hyphenate more than two names. The father's surname is considered dominant.

Shweta
08-19-2008, 11:32 AM
I kept my maiden name for various reasons.
Not wanting to lose my identity was not one of them. The academic papers I already had published, those were part of it. The fact that "Shweta Smith" sounds really fake for publication purposes and "Shweta Narayan-Smith" sounds like a Lois McMaster Bujold character is another. Though on the Bujold track, changing our name to Naismith was a concept that amused us.

Anyhoo, I haven't noticed any link between maiden name and identity, so I voted for the eggplant :)

TerzaRima
08-19-2008, 11:48 AM
I kept my name. I didn't want to have to explain to my patients that I was now Dr NewLastname, not Dr Rima, change my business cards, change the name on my license, etc. It surprises me a little that women still change their names as often as they do.

Medievalist
08-19-2008, 12:19 PM
Geez, what a mess everything will be if everyone starts hyphenating. Just imagine six generations from now.

It's worked just fine in Spain.

Marian Perera
08-19-2008, 12:36 PM
If I ever get married, I'm keeping the name that's on my diplomas, manuscripts and permanent resident card.

Unique
08-19-2008, 02:36 PM
I kept my name. There was too much paperwork involved in changing. (Yes, more than the average bear)

PITA, pita, pita.

" I am Mrs. Xyz but my name is Unique Material."

Now I am free like the little birdie and I'm so happy!! And I'm still Unique.

L M Ashton
08-19-2008, 03:45 PM
I felt too strange about giving up my name, and I don't understand why women should automatically have to take the man's name. How about a few men taking ours for a change?

My brother did that when he got married. Surprised me a lot. He's, well, let's just be polite and call him a redneck, shall we?



But I didn't take his first name. I am *NOT* Mrs. Ryan Dickson. I am Ms. Clair Dickson. (The Ms./Mrs. rant is for another time. ;-)

Yeah, I'm with you there. I suspect. I don't like Mrs. It's none o' you'se's business whether I'm married or not. When men start getting Mr. and Mrrs. or something equally ridiculous to distinguish between single and married, then I'll start considering using Mrs.


You can't hyphenate more than two names. The father's surname is considered dominant.

Depends on the culture. ;)


I didn't hyphenate, but I did add his name on at the end. He didn't care what I did, but I thought it would be easier - especially here - to have his last name at the end. Without it, I imagine a whole lot of people and the corresponding paperwork would be so seriously confused that it would be painful.

But professionally, I use my last name - it's better for the western audience. And socially, I use his. Works well. :)

James81
08-19-2008, 03:48 PM
Never understood the big deal about changing your name.

Ol' Fashioned Girl
08-19-2008, 03:54 PM
Geez, what a mess everything will be if everyone starts hyphenating. Just imagine six generations from now.

"Do you, Mark Peters-Cunningham-Matthews-Smith-Lopez-Chu take Lisa Slater-O'Donnell-Sledd-Yurt-Fletcher-Banks to be your lawfully wedded wife?"

And there, ladies and gentlemen, is the reason - even though I was a card-carrying member of NOW - is why I didn't ask Ol' Boy to take on the hyphenated version of our last names. I was thinking of the future generations of little Robbins-Dahls, even though we weren't planning on having any.

illiterwrite
08-19-2008, 04:00 PM
I kept my name. He kept his. The kids have his, because it wasn't important to me that they have my last name. I don't think it's complicated.

Maryn
08-19-2008, 04:04 PM
At the time, my name seemed both too ethnic and way too long. His surname was shorter and more 'white bread,' so I took it.

Now I kind of wish I hadn't. My first and last names don't really fit together like my first and maiden name did, and there's nothing wrong with ethnic names.

Maryn, chiming in (ding!)

NeuroFizz
08-19-2008, 04:07 PM
Sorry to invade. Mrs. Fizzy took my last name, but both of our young 'uns have two middle names, the second of which is her maiden name, to honor her family name.

rhymegirl
08-19-2008, 04:15 PM
I had the same last name for 30 years and didn't want to lose it entirely. The way I look at it is yes, that was my identity. I feel the old-fashioned way of doing things (my mother's generation) was for the woman to give up her identity, just take the husband's name and then get mail addressed to her (and be known as) Mrs. John Smith.(for example) Oh, how I hate that! And I always told friends and family, don't bother addressing mail like that to me or I won't even open the envelope. I have my own first name, thank you.

But when I had to make the decision, I ultimately decided that it might cause confusion regarding our children if my husband and I had different last names. So I did what one of my girlfriends did. I made my maiden name my new middle name and took my husband's last name. (No hyphen) And since I wanted my family name to continue in some way, I gave my third child (son) my maiden name as his middle name.

And as far as what is the big deal about names--it's about fairness and the fact that some people love the idea of keeping their family name moving through the generations. Why should a man be the only one who gets to keep his family name running through the generations?

Tink
08-19-2008, 04:18 PM
I took his. I never even thought of doing it differently.

Grrarrgh
08-19-2008, 04:56 PM
I took his last name. My maiden name is now my middle name. I did it because I'm too lazy to hyphenate everything and if we decide to have kids, I don't want anyone to have different last names.

Calla Lily
08-19-2008, 05:05 PM
I took his. I'm a traditionalist in some things. Also, I knew several women at the health club where I worked who went the hyphenated route and I thought all of their name-names were awkward and difficult to deal with. That clinched it for me.

Plus, since my DH's grandfather was the one who immigrated and Americanized the spelling of the last name, there are very few of us around with the name. We have 2 boys, so the name will hopefully go on.

Harper K
08-19-2008, 05:38 PM
I never changed my name legally, but I do occasionally use Hubby's name for some things. Writing, for instance. I have a pen name in mind, and it includes his name and not mine. The pieces I've published so far, though, are under Satori Myname Hisname, without a hyphen.

Hubby's family refers to me using his last name, and my family (who's still shocked that I'm married at all) refers to me using my last name. One day we'll get it all straightened out, but it's not a big concern of mine right now. We've been married three and a half years, we don't have kids, and I like using my own last name for my day job. Heck, there's even confusion with my first name these days. For years I went by a nicknamey version of my first name, and then when I got my current job, I switched to the more formal version of my first name. Basically, there are about six different first name-last name combinations I go by these days, all in different situations.

lostgirl
08-19-2008, 05:43 PM
I voted for the eggplant too! I mean eggplant really rocks and should be served all the time.

I took my hubby's last name because my last name was a discombobulated jumble of vowels and consonants 12 letters and 4 syllables long that had been the bane of my existence my entire life. And hubby's name while not as fabulous as Jones or Smith was shorter and not as obnoxious. I don't believe your name makes you an individual or gives you an identity -- it's your personality that does that.

melaniehoo
08-19-2008, 05:50 PM
My step-father adopted me when I was nine and my last name changed to his at that time. I always knew I'd take my husband's last name because I'd already "given up" my real last name.

Mr Flibble
08-19-2008, 05:51 PM
both of our young 'uns have two middle names, the second of which is her maiden name, to honor her family name. ours too

Actually I did consider joining our names -- but only so I could have the initials JFK :)

Shadow_Ferret
08-19-2008, 06:10 PM
My wife took my name. That was her choice. I didn't care. In fact, I would have taken her name... it's easier to pronounce.

But she never thought of hyphenating it. Because then her initials would have been KRAP.

eveningstar
08-19-2008, 07:00 PM
I kept my name. I like it, I use it professionally, and I don't particularly like the tradition of giving it up anyway. I'm not a different person, I just have a husband now. I still get mis-addressed mail, though.

Hyphenating would have been far too long, though my husband is considering possibly changing his surname to mine at some point.

mscelina
08-19-2008, 07:10 PM
Meh. Depends. When I was in theatre, I hyphenated my names so it would be the longest on the program. (Yep, I played that game) I write under all three of my last names to date *grin*and a few more here and there, but in real life I'm too lazy to bother with changing my Social Security number and stuff like that. Maiden name has worked just fine for me. My daughters were named and christened with a hyphenated version of my name and their father's name, but we gave them the option to change it when they turned sixteen. One changed, one didn't. The one who changed explained that she preferred being at the beginning of the roll call in class.

nerds
08-19-2008, 07:17 PM
When I married I took my husband's surname. When I divorced, I had to stand before a judge and formally request the legal reinstatement of the name I had been born with. A strange feeling to have to ask for that. It was the final transaction of the divorce.

I doubt I'll ever marry again, but if I do I would not change it again.

Cranky
08-19-2008, 07:24 PM
I took my husband's last name. Mine was long, and I never cared for it. My DH's is shorter. Considering the fact that my first name has three syllables, I like having only one for the last name. Balances it nicely. :D

jennifer75
08-19-2008, 07:35 PM
IF I were to marry...I'd keep my last name, I think. I wouldn't want to give up the almost only Irish thing about me, my name. Sure I drink plenty of beer, and one would assume it was due to the Irish roots, but I wouldn't want to take that chance.

Once again, it made perfect sense in my head.

Shadow_Ferret
08-19-2008, 07:45 PM
IF I were to marry...I'd keep my last name, I think. I wouldn't want to give up the almost only Irish thing about me, my name. Sure I drink plenty of beer, and one would assume it was due to the Irish roots, but I wouldn't want to take that chance.

Once again, it made perfect sense in my head.
You could always just marry an Irish man.

Alexruns
08-19-2008, 07:48 PM
I think it would depend on how much I really liked the person I was marrying ;)

cray
08-19-2008, 07:49 PM
I think it would depend on how much I really liked the person I was marrying ;)


:Wha:

Angela
08-19-2008, 07:59 PM
I took his last name. I think his last name sounds better when I use the shortened version of my name, Angi. They both end with the "e" sound.:Shrug:

JLCwrites
08-19-2008, 08:07 PM
Turkey Bloom.... It has a nice sound to it. :)

Angela
08-19-2008, 08:32 PM
:roll:

drachin8
08-19-2008, 08:35 PM
I do feel attached to my last name, slightly awkward though it might be. When we first discussed our marriage, my husband-to-be wanted us to share the same last name. So we came to an agreement to change both our names to something completely new (hyphenating would have just been ugly and he isn't overly fond of my last name). In the end, though, the change would have required paperwork, and so we never got around to it. So hooray for me, I got to keep my name as I always wanted. Hip hip hooray! Hip hip hooray!


:)

-Michelle

Mom'sWrite
08-19-2008, 08:56 PM
I took his name in the first go-around because well, just because. After we divorced it took 4 YEARS to get my maiden name back. Needless to say, I wasn't to eager to give up something so hard won. My last name is my maiden name but in an effort to really piss off the current in-laws, all my children have my last name as their middle name. Worked like a charm. :)

Storm Dream
08-19-2008, 09:01 PM
I'm planning on keeping my surname -- I've never been fond of my first name, but I do think the two go well together, and if a future hubby makes a stink about it, well...too bad.

Also, I hate eggplant. :)

PS: Obviously not married, but other unmarrieds joined in, so...

Mr Flibble
08-19-2008, 09:20 PM
After we divorced it took 4 YEARS to get my maiden name back.

When I divorced my first hubby it took about half an hour. I just wrote a form letter to all the important people ( Inland Revenue, bank etc) and said I wished to be known by my maiden name. Job done. Legal too.

Mom'sWrite
08-19-2008, 09:37 PM
When I divorced my first hubby it took about half an hour. I just wrote a form letter to all the important people ( Inland Revenue, bank etc) and said I wished to be known by my maiden name. Job done. Legal too.

I don't suppose you had to walk over hot coals on your knees either. Lucky duck. :D

Kitrianna
08-19-2008, 09:46 PM
Technically for the first few years Kthrok and i were married I bounced around continuing to use my maiden name and hyphenating the two, but that had more to do with being too lazy to go change everything than with keeping my identity. Heck the first thing I did when I went online after were married was change my name on my email. I was proud to take his last name. Only prob? His name gets mispronounced more than my maiden name did! Cest le vive.

Mr Flibble
08-19-2008, 09:49 PM
I don't suppose you had to walk over hot coals on your knees either. Lucky duck. :D

Well if you can legally choose to use your maiden name after you're married or your hubby's name, you can legally change your mind about it later. ;)

I don't know how it is in the states, but still, if you can choose, you shouuld be able to just say you changed your mind.

C.bronco
08-19-2008, 09:51 PM
I took my husband's because he wouldn't take mine. It simplifies everything.

jannawrites
08-19-2008, 10:00 PM
I never considered anything but taking his name; I'm just a traditional gal like that. And I'm glad all in our family of four have the same surname, so there are never any questions or judgments.

Mom'sWrite
08-19-2008, 10:15 PM
Well if you can legally choose to use your maiden name after you're married or your hubby's name, you can legally change your mind about it later. ;)

I don't know how it is in the states, but still, if you can choose, you shouuld be able to just say you changed your mind.


The choosing wasn't the problem; getting Social Security, Motor Vehicles, banks and credit card companies to manipulate their keyboards in a proper manner was apparently more than they could handle. Oy.

I took to traveling around with a notarized copy of my divorce decree in my handbag as proof I was who I said I was. Those were dark days indeed.

BardSkye
08-19-2008, 10:27 PM
I'm in Susie's age bracket and a traditionalist. I wore my mother's wedding dress and used the original "obey" vows, and I took his last name. In fact, the wedding was changed from Montreal to Calgary when I realized a Quebec marriage would force me to keep my last name.

Jersey Chick
08-19-2008, 10:41 PM
It used to be here in NJ, your name changed automatically - you had to file a bunch of paperwork to keep your maiden name. Sooo, it was either file a bunch of paperwork to go back to a name I hated, or file a bunch of different paperwork, to simply take a name I liked.

DL Hegel
08-19-2008, 10:48 PM
i hypenated--but i use my maiden name for writing--much cooler than the hubs--plus i published alot of my articles and shorts before i was married.

Eskimo1990
08-19-2008, 11:22 PM
When I get married, I want to take my husband's name.

My last name is too complicated and most people can't say it. Everyone ALWAYS screws it up.

rhymegirl
08-19-2008, 11:56 PM
Very interesting to see the two different extremes here.

I didn't wear my mother's wedding gown. (In fact if I remember right from pictures I've seen, she wore a pink dress.)

I just called my sister to check on this. Why did mom wear a pink dress for her wedding? She said, "Because the Catholic Church wouldn't let them get married there because dad wasn't Catholic. So they got married in the rectory."

Hmm. I never knew that.

I didn't wear a gown at all. Or a veil. I wore a short white dress. And got married in a reception hall.

I'm not traditional at all, I guess.

Jersey Chick
08-20-2008, 12:06 AM
I didn't wear my mother's wedding gown, either. She didn't have one. She and my father were married by a justice of the peace. It was all downhill from there.

I, on the other hand, wore a white gown and veil, and I agreed to a church wedding to make my inlaws happy because they are kind of religious and were convinced I was leading their son to hell. I think they're over that now - I hope.

If I had to do it all over? I'd go to Vegas and find a nice Elvis impersonator to marry us. Just think of what those wedding photos would be like :D

jennifer75
08-20-2008, 12:11 AM
You could always just marry an Irish man.


hahaha...funny. I prefer mine to be a little "spicier" than those across the pond, preferably across the southern border.

melaniehoo
08-20-2008, 12:16 AM
When I get married, I want to take my husband's name.

My last name is too complicated and most people can't say it. Everyone ALWAYS screws it up.

That was my other reason. My new name is very easy, even if it is Mexican. Of course, now I'm in Mexico where women do NOT take their husband's name and it confuses everyone.

thethinker42
08-20-2008, 01:37 AM
I took his name. Didn't have a really strong opinion one way or the other. If anything, I just liked his name better. LOL

thethinker42
08-20-2008, 01:48 AM
Actually I did consider joining our names -- but only so I could have the initials JFK :)

One of the reasons I took my husband's name is that my initials now spell "LAW" instead of "LAG". hehehe

(And yes, there are plenty of "obey the law", "under the law", "I fought the law and law won" jokes in our house...)

thethinker42
08-20-2008, 01:52 AM
I didn't wear a gown at all. Or a veil. I wore a short white dress. And got married in a reception hall.

I'm not traditional at all, I guess.

I wore my mom's dress, my grandmother's wedding ring, a veil, the whole nine yards.

But...I also got married in an industrial screenprinting shop and walked down the aisle to "The Imperial Death March" from "Star Wars".

So...I don't know how "traditional" I would call myself...

Red-Green
08-20-2008, 01:54 AM
I kept my maiden name, but not out of any "keep my identify" indignation. The facts are this: I have a last name that does not require spelling or explanations. My husband has a last name that is so ridiculously hard for people to spell/understand/pronounce correctly, that he uses his first name when he orders pizza or makes a reservation at a restaurant. If he won't even use his last name, no way I'm going to.

sassandgroove
08-20-2008, 02:08 AM
don't have time to read the whole thread at present.

When I was a teen I thought I would keep my name. A bible study leader said when the time came I would be so in love I would change my mind. I think she was a little old fashioned in her thinking, but I did change my mind.

I was so excited about starting my new life with Mr. Groove that I wanted to share his name. He said it would be ok if I didn't but I can tell it pleases him that i did.

of my mom and her 3 sisters, only my mom took her husband's name. She is also the oldest. I wonder what that means. Her next sister took her first husband's name, then got divorced, changed it back to her maiden name and when she married hubby 2 said she was keeping it. I don't blame her really.

Disa
08-20-2008, 03:15 AM
hmmmm... long story short....when I got married, I dropped my first name all together, my middle name became my first name, my maiden name became my middle name, and I took my husband's last name as my last name.

So I write under my previous middle and last name :)

Mom'sWrite
08-20-2008, 03:47 AM
But when I had to make the decision, I ultimately decided that it might cause confusion regarding our children if my husband and I had different last names.

Here's all the confusion I encountered when explaining to my 3 kids why I have a different last name then they do:

"Mom, why is your last name different from Daddy's and ours?'

"Because I come from a different family than your daddy does. Kabat is the last name I got from my daddy and ***** is the last name Daddy got from his dad. Last names usually go from the father to their children."

"Okay."

I've never heard another word about it.

ETA I'm not making a judgement on your decision but making a point that "it might confuse the kids" reasoning doesn't really pan out in real world circumstances.

rhymegirl
08-20-2008, 04:04 AM
Here's all the confusion I encountered when explaining to my 3 kids why I have a different last name then they do:

"Mom, why is your last name different from Daddy's and ours?'

"Because I come from a different family than your daddy does. Kabat is the last name I got from my daddy and ***** is the last name Daddy got from his dad. Last names usually go from the father to their children."

"Okay."

I've never heard another word about it.

ETA I'm not making a judgement on your decision but making a point that "it might confuse the kids" reasoning doesn't really pan out in real world circumstances.

No, that wasn't what I meant. Not about confusing the kids but confusing other people. I thought it would be easier when they went to school if we all had the same last name.

Silver King
08-20-2008, 04:11 AM
I spoke to my wife earlier to make sure, and the question of whether she would take my surname never came up between us before we were married. We simply never discussed it. I asked her why, and she said it had never occurred to her not to take my name.

Then she reminded me how often I go by her maiden name. My last name is Italian, difficult to pronounce, and I sometimes use hers as a matter of convenience. After several years, my barber still calls me, "Mr. Hamilton," and it's too late now to correct him. :)

sassandgroove
08-20-2008, 04:36 AM
Ok I am caught up now.
I kept my name. I like it, I use it professionally, and I don't particularly like the tradition of giving it up anyway. I'm not a different person, I just have a husband now. I still get mis-addressed mail, though.

Hyphenating would have been far too long, though my husband is considering possibly changing his surname to mine at some point.I'm just quoting this because it is when I noticed a trend, it isn't directly only at eveningstar.

I didn't/don't see it that way with myself. I do feel different. I am still Jennifer, still me, but I am also now Wife and I am part of US. I like it. And sharing his name reflects that. But for me it is partly just having the same name, not necessarily taking his, if that makes sense.

Komnena
08-20-2008, 06:02 AM
I traded my Welsh name for my husband's once French, now very Anglicized name.

Siddow
08-20-2008, 06:31 AM
I was so excited about starting my new life with Mr. Groove that I wanted to share his name. He said it would be ok if I didn't but I can tell it pleases him that i did.

of my mom and her 3 sisters, only my mom took her husband's name. She is also the oldest. I wonder what that means. Her next sister took her first husband's name, then got divorced, changed it back to her maiden name and when she married hubby 2 said she was keeping it. I don't blame her really.

I think it is because of the hassle of reclaiming your given name after divorce that so many people choose to keep theirs after marriage. I know it was a big deal for me; my ex stood in court and contested the re-issuance of my name. He wanted me to keep his. He actually stood there and said, "Your Honor, I ask that the court deny her request to reinstate her former name." Yeah, that was a laugh, but still...ugly.

It's a paperwork thing, that's all. It's going to the SSA and the DMV with a piece of paper from a judge and saying, This is who I am now! I know I was so-and-so before, but I am me again! Take my photo and issue me a new card, please! This is something that most males only have do once, while the multi-married females do it every freaking time. Who wants to spend time at the SSA and DMV when they can avoid it by not changing their name in the first place?

Siddow, who's been there twice :)

Snowstorm
08-20-2008, 07:15 AM
I don't believe in a woman changing their name just because they get married, but it's her choice and I support whatever any woman does. I was married seven years to my husband and didn't change my name.

I figured if any man was so egotistical as to have his name the same as his wife's then the egomaniac can change his name to mine. After all, let HIM lose friends who can't locate him, go through the friggin' hassle, and have all his old important documents with the "wrong" name on them.

Then I found out what a real scumbag my dad was and immediately chose to change from his family's name. The logical choice was to change to my husband's. Sigh....

Bartholomew
08-20-2008, 08:00 AM
You can't hyphenate more than two names. The father's surname is considered dominant.


It's worked just fine in Spain.

And Mexico.

Guys: I wasn't making fun of the Latin system. I was merely poking fun at the idea of repeatedly adding to one's name.

MaryMumsy
08-20-2008, 08:37 AM
Roughly 30 years ago a close friend got married. She was a PhD, he was a PhD. All her professional qualifications were under her maiden name. They took jobs in the school system of a smallish rather conservative town here in AZ. She kept her maiden name. She said they thought about getting t-shirts made which said: yes we really are married. This was due to strange looks in the grocery etc. For a while she used a hyphenated last name socially. Then dropped it for two reasons: 1) his name was Polish and no one could spell it or pronounce it 2) her first name is hyphenated (no middle name) and she thought having both hyphenated was a little too much of a good thing.

So I guess it all boils down to what we used to say in the sixties: different strokes for different folks.

MM

JeanneTGC
08-20-2008, 09:48 AM
I'd planned to keep my maiden name at least for business, since I had the start of a career going. I casually mentioned this to my (then) finance. He blanched, looked like I'd kicked him in the gut, and said, "You...you don't want to marry me?"

I calmly replied that, no, I just thought it would make sense to keep it for business, a variety of other reasons, but it wasn't a biggie, and of course I loved him.

He stared at me. "You...you don't want to marry me?" Expression still stricken, ready to barf or possibly cry in the middle of Denny's.

Tried the calm explanation a couple more times, no change, just panic on his part. Clearly, he wasn't getting it. I thought about it and figured if it meant that much to him, to the point where my saying I didn't want to take his name meant, in Him Speak, that I was trying to break up with him, I didn't care that much.

"Nope! Happily taking your last name. Let's eat."

We've been married 21 years, and he's done probably more than his share of compromises, so it's all worked out.

I'd thought the upside (in addition to actually getting to marry the man I was, and still am, in love with) would be that NO ONE would EVER misspell my married last name, because it's one of the simplest in the English language. Sadly, I was wrong.

It did take me years to feel like his last name was my last name, but now I don't think of myself in any terms of my maiden name and his is far more natural to me.

johnnysannie
08-20-2008, 07:46 PM
I wanted to keep my own birth surname but my husband was not too thrilled at the idea so I hypenated and use both names. It works for me, without any problems, for fourteen plus years now.

IceCreamEmpress
08-24-2008, 01:49 AM
It never occurred to me to change my last name. This is my name. (I also hate the term "maiden name" because a) gross reference to virginity, and b) implies that only women change their name upon marriage, which is not true.)

We have three couples among our friends who have changed their names upon marriage: two same-sex couples hyphenated, and one male/female couple where she changed her last name to his. Otherwise, everyone kept their own name.

I went to school with a few people who did name mashups with their spouses: there's a "Weinberg" ("Weinstein" plus something-berg) and a "Marshfield" ("Marshall" plus something-field) and some others I can't remember now.

SherryTex
08-24-2008, 02:01 AM
Kept my maiden name for the first seven years of our marriage, as all my credentials for teaching were then in my maiden name, then when our third child had "Baby Green" written on the records, I decided, what the heck and gave my husband the gift of my old driver's liscence for Christmas. He was moved to tears.

Happy with the guy, happy with the name, it's up to you and the guy to figure it out...

xiaotien
08-24-2008, 02:03 AM
i also happily changed my last name.
(who knew i was so tradiational?)
but it took a long time to get used to
because he has a (what americans think is
upper crust) anglo surname.

the worst is when they call me mrs.hub's surname
cause it makes me think of my mil.
and i'm not mil! (tho she's fantastic!)

calling me mrs. just makes me feel old.

i write / paint under my maiden name, tho. 8)

maestrowork
08-24-2008, 02:11 AM
My mother, although known as Mrs. Wong, never changed her last name. She kept her maiden name all these years, professionally and personally. But no one ever questioned whether she was really married to my father; and it was a non-issue for either of them.

In fact, it's not customary for Chinese women to take their husband's last name. The best they would do was to add the husband's surname.

Shweta
08-24-2008, 02:32 AM
Kept my maiden name for the first seven years of our marriage, as all my credentials for teaching were then in my maiden name, then when our third child had "Baby Green" written on the records, I decided, what the heck and gave my husband the gift of my old driver's liscence for Christmas. He was moved to tears.

Happy with the guy, happy with the name, it's up to you and the guy to figure it out...

Yes, and amusing to think about here, because if I did something like that, my husband would just be confused, not moved. He sees no link at all between names and how much we care, and neither do I :)

joyce
08-24-2008, 02:39 AM
I used my husbands name as my last and used my maiden name as my middle. Somehow that made me feel like I wasn't giving up my born identity.

Snowstorm
08-24-2008, 02:40 AM
It did take me years to feel like his last name was my last name, but now I don't think of myself in any terms of my maiden name and his is far more natural to me.

Reminds me of the time three years after I had changed my name, my boss walked up to me with my leave papers in her hand. Looking totally confused, she asked me: "Is this you?" I had filled out the paper using my family (maiden) name!

Yeshanu
08-31-2008, 06:15 AM
I took my husband's last name very, very happily, and even though we're separated, haven't gone back to my "maiden" name. After nineteen years of having to spell my last name out every time someone asked me what it was, it was a joy to finally have a name most people could both pronounce and spell!