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True North
08-11-2008, 08:17 AM
We had a family reunion today and my cousin who had a baby this spring came of course. I asked when we first arrived if i could hold her son and she said "we kind of have this sitting to hold him rule".

That's fine, bit paranoid, but whatever, your kid. Until I saw my sister holding him while standing. So i went and said "what happened to the sitting rule?", she responded: "she has her own kid, you don't".

I said that I'm quite capable of holding a child, just because
I don't have one, doesn't mean I can't hold a baby while standing up. I've done it numerous times. She responded that because I accidentally poked her too hard when she was pregnant (trying to get the baby to move) and "you hurt me and my baby", how could she trust me not to hurt him now? and her boyfriend piped up and said "do you have your own child? no, there you go"

Then, later on, I saw her brother who doesn't have a kid, holding him standing up too.

I didn't bother to say anything, but I was really hurt by it. I almost feel like since I'm the only woman in the family without a kid that I'm not as much of a woman as the rest of then, like they all are in a club that I'm not part of and that just kind of made it hit home more.

My mom talked to her and she said that she was joking, but her tone and the fact that she wouldn't let me made it clear that she wasn't.

I asked my grandma at one point if i could hold him, she let me, so I got him from her arms, and walked back over to my chair. My cousin got up from her chair as if she were going to take him because I was OMG standing while holding him for a moment. She said "you stealing my baby?" I said that I asked and she let it go for a sec, then came and got him and said "we're going for a walk" and took him.

Am I making too much of the situation by being hurt? I know he's her kid and her rules, but she's two years younger than me and I am just as capable of holding a baby as she is. She did not miraculously get to be SuperMom just because she had a kid and I don't.

Williebee
08-11-2008, 08:21 AM
Don't worry about it. (Trust me, there is no win, and it isn't worth it anyway.) New Moms are weird. (new Dads too, btw.)

On the upside? When the day comes and she asks you to babysit? Just say no.

:)

Welcome to AW, btw.

P.H.Delarran
08-11-2008, 08:26 AM
listen to Williebee, he's right-on on this one.

True North
08-11-2008, 08:31 AM
I'm trying to, but it's hard.

She won't ever ask me to babysit. She has his mom, her mom, our grandma, her friends...all of them would have to be not busy for her to ask me.

JoNightshade
08-11-2008, 08:38 AM
Your cousin's an idiot. Probably a jerk, too. What can you do? Not much. ;)

RLB
08-11-2008, 08:53 AM
I happen to have the exact opposite problem. Whenever I have a friend/relative/acquaintance with a new kid, they always just shove him in my arms without even asking if I want to hold him- not that I'd say no, but still. Now I like babies (though not, I confess, indiscriminately; I'm mostly partial to the children of people I'm super-close with) and I know the parents are excited about the kid and all, but not everyone wants to hold your baby! So I just sit there, smiling, wondering how long I have to hold the baby before I can give her back without causing offense.

But yeah, Willibee has it nailed. New parents are weird. The mostly loosen up with the next one though.

And if it makes you feel better, whenever I have a kid, I'll let you hold it. Standing up even.

Jersey Chick
08-11-2008, 09:00 AM
Some new parents are weird. Not all. I wasn't. I used to laugh at my brother because when my daughter was a newborn, he held her as if she was made out of china. I have pictures of him where I'm surprised she isn't purple because he's squashing her so tight.

I thin your cousin is one of the weird ones. She might get over it, but maybe not, so try not to let it get to you. You probably won't be able to change it, but like people have said, she might loosen up with the next one (We used to throw my son at people. ;))




i'm kidding. i never threw my son at anyone. no matter how tempting it was....

MaryMumsy
08-11-2008, 09:46 AM
Your cousin is a jerk, and so is her boyfriend. Don't let it get to you. I'm one of the ones who always gets a kid thrust at her, and believe me I DON'T want to hold the kid. And it doesn't matter whose kid it is.

MM

Mandy-Jane
08-11-2008, 09:59 AM
I agree that your cousin and her boyfriend are totally wrong. I would be upset by it too, if it happened to me. That's just the silliest thing I've ever heard! I'd try to forget it though, if you can.

I'd let you hold my baby if I was there. (But then again, my baby's 4, so not really a baby anymore, but you know what I mean.......)

chevbrock
08-11-2008, 12:03 PM
Your cousin is obviously hyper-sensitive, overly hysterical, and just plain wierd. Leave her and her boyfriend in their insane little world where they belong.

For one: For you to hurt a baby in utero, you would need to do a darn sight more than just poke it! The big, watery sac its in is the perfect environment in almost every way.

For two: She's just stupid, hyper-sensitive, overly hysterical and just plain wierd.

For three: Whether or not you have children should not indicate your worth. I have two kids and I love them dearly, but they are bloody hard work, and I would not wish one on anybody who was not ready to make that commitment. Congratulations come from me on your wisdom and forethought, even though they do not seem to be coming from your family.

chevbrock
08-11-2008, 12:23 PM
Oh, and another thing:

Boyfriend said, "You've never had a baby before" or some such crap.

Um, either has he.

Beach Bunny
08-11-2008, 12:24 PM
Your cousin and her hubby are being jerks. It hurts when family act that way. Trying to dismiss or deny your feelings about the situation doesn't really work (I know because I have tried.) So, feel what you feel about it, for as long as you need to feel that way, then drop it.

Ya know, you can always get even with her by purchasing the kid the noisiest, most obnoxious toy you can find for the baby's birthdays and other major gift-giving holidays over the next ten years or so. :D Mwahahahaha

Siddow
08-11-2008, 03:42 PM
Um, are you in any way known as a 'klutz'? Prone to trip?

Did you ever break any of her stuff by dropping it?

Not to excuse her behavior, but when mine were small there were certain people who got the sit-down rule with me, too. Like one of my friends who was perpetually stoned.

KTC
08-11-2008, 03:45 PM
Your cousin may be acting like a total boob...but: Her baby...her decision. I'd get over it.

nerds
08-11-2008, 04:01 PM
There were a few people I wouldn't let hold my son when he was an infant, but they had a proven track record of serious physical ineptitude.

I'd let it go, it is what it is. But I sure can picture how uncomfortable the whole thing must have felt for you.

Maryn
08-11-2008, 04:24 PM
I agree the new parents are being weird, but I wonder if there mightn't be a little punishment in there for the poking, trying to get the baby to move in utero. That seems like a serious violation of personal space, and the fact that you did it too hard might allow your sister to rationalize that you're going to be too rough on her baby, too.

I also agree that this isn't worth getting annoyed about. They're being weird and over-protective, and maybe spiteful, too. By their third, if they have that many, they'll let you hold it by the arm and drag it behind you, the way you did your doll.

Maryn, third child

regdog
08-11-2008, 04:35 PM
I too am going to chime in on your cousin and her boyfriend are being jerks chorus.

But I understand how it hurt your feelings. She probably does have a "female superiority" complex now that she has a child and you don't. Some women who have children think they are "better women" than those of us who don't.

Don't let it get you down. I'm sure you have family and friends who either have or will have children and know you can be trusted.

regdog
08-11-2008, 04:50 PM
By their third, if they have that many, they'll let you hold it by the arm and drag it behind you, the way you did your doll.

Maryn, third child

Didn't Erma Bombeck say something along the lines of the first kid is handled with kid gloves and the third is sitting on the floor eating out of the dog's bowl.

Shadow_Ferret
08-11-2008, 04:51 PM
Before I had kids I wanted nothing to do with them. "Don't you want to hold it?" Hell no! Those things stink, they squirm, they throw up. No thank you. (And really, yours is kinda ugly.)

Then I had my own and you know what? I was right.

And if you had asked to hold mine, I'd have tossed it to you quickly so I wouldn't have to hold it any more.

"Catch!"

Anyway, I join in the jerks concensus. Kids just aren't that fragile. You should have sat down with the baby, then started tossing it in the air. Kids like that. New moms freak.

HeronW
08-11-2008, 04:54 PM
Cousin and BF are full of BS. Obviously from the Queen Lilo av, you are a loving and a spoiling type person. Let's hope Cuz & BF don't raise the child to be a putz like they are.

nerds
08-11-2008, 04:55 PM
Didn't Erma Bombeck say something along the lines of the first kid is handled with kid gloves and the third is sitting on the floor eating out of the dog's bowl.


Yes! God I miss Erma.

I was the last child of well, seven originally but mostly six, and NOBODY worried about what I was doing. There's no chance to bother, with so many kids. I did try the dogs' dry food from their dish once. Just to see how it was, ya know? :D

I also tried the silage in the barn silo. That wasn't bad at all. Lots of fiber there.

True North
08-11-2008, 05:13 PM
Um, are you in any way known as a 'klutz'? Prone to trip?

Did you ever break any of her stuff by dropping it?

Not to excuse her behavior, but when mine were small there were certain people who got the sit-down rule with me, too. Like one of my friends who was perpetually stoned.

I can be a klutz, but not when I am holding a child. I am careful and concious and perfectly capable. She should know this because of the number of babies that I have held, babysat and taken care of - including her nephew who I lived with and took care of just as much as the mother did!

Thanks everyone for the vote of confidence.

stormie
08-11-2008, 05:23 PM
Before I had children, and I asked to hold a relative's baby, I was told by her that I knew nothing about kids. I immediately told her that that hurt my feelings. This relative was nice enough--and empathetic enough--to apologize. And she let me hold the baby.

As for your cousin and her boyfriend--uh-uh. Not nice. Not even close. If you can, stay away from them. Period. They're not even being quirky like new parents can be. They're being downright rude.

Sorry that happened to you!

cray
08-11-2008, 05:31 PM
your cousin (and boyfriend) is a jerk.

i'd totally get pregnant and not tell them. then when they find out you should deny it.

and then when the baby comes and they see you holding the baby, be like, "what baby?"

and then, of course, when it comes time that you admit that you're holding a baby, tell them that you're not sure if you are the mother yet so you know, they can't hold the baby.
:D


new parents are weird. they may well snap out of it and apologize at some point. although, someone said it above, you don’t touch a pregnant person unless they grab your hand and actually force you to touch their bump.

forget about it and move on.
peace.

Kitrianna
08-11-2008, 05:59 PM
I have to admit that I didn't mind when people touched my belly trying to feel my kids kick, mainly because they were not the on demand type of kids. Hand on belly, they went quiet...break for mama and her aching back and stomach.

I also have to assume that I was not a weird parent. The only person who had the sit down rule with my eldest was my sister in-law and it was because she was 9 when my princess was born.

Your cousin and her boyfriend are just weird, but to me it borders on being cruel. The idea that she couldn't even be honest about her reasoning with your mom makes it even worse. But I say, live and let live and by the baby the most obnoxious toy for it's birthday. My vote goes to Country Elmo. Let's see how mean she can be after listening to Elmo sing "On the Road Again" for 3 hours straight. Oh and make sure little one has a good supply of batteries. Heaven forbid if the toy died due to lack of power :D

Tink
08-11-2008, 08:15 PM
[quote]I didn't bother to say anything, but I was really hurt by it. I almost feel like since I'm the only woman in the family without a kid that I'm not as much of a woman as the rest of then, like they all are in a club that I'm not part of...

Hey I understand this...I am 40 yrs. old and have never had children of my own and sometimes the way others make me feel is downright horrible. I have helped raise 3 step-sons and have babysitted dozens upon dozens of children over the years but apparently this isn't good enough for some...
I know this is going to sound terrible but heres how I deal with stuff like that from time to time- When I hear one of those women complaining that has snubbed me or made me feel 'less than' about them not being able to go out and do 'whatever' because she has to stay home and take care of the kids, I smile...really big, right in their 'not-so-smirky' face!!!

True North
08-12-2008, 08:58 AM
I talked to my grandma tonight and found out why she treated me like this. She is immature, plain and simple. Apparently it was because I asked to hold him when they first got there and she wanted to show him off and was afraid that if I was seen holding him, people would think he's mine. So, instead of saying "I actually just got here and wanted to introduce him to everyone. Did you want to hold him a bit later?" In which case I would have said sure, she decided to treat me like that!

Jersey Chick
08-12-2008, 09:07 AM
That's just as lame an excuse. If someone asked, unless you lied and claimed said baby as your own, your cousin would still have been able to chime in about being the mom. Sounds to me like she was afraid you'd steal her attention.

She needs to grow up a little. Sounds a bit immature to be a mother to me.

(you wanna hold my son? he's almost housebroken)


i lied about the housebreaking thing. but his diapers are very thick and very absorbent. and he hardly ever bites anymore :D

Neurotic
08-12-2008, 09:44 AM
I've excommunicated closer relatives for less. No, I'm kidding. I usually just mark them as crazy and move on.

That said, I'm not above giving kids recorders and harmonicas for birthdays and christmas. They're noisier and they never run out of batteries.

Unique
08-12-2008, 02:18 PM
i'd totally get pregnant and not tell them.


I did that. (different reasons tho - )

You have gotten a lot of good answers. They are underestimating you and assigning values to you that obviously are incorrect. Pity them.

What I hate about babies is when complete strangers come up and touch or even pick up my baby! YIKES! "You disgusting, germy creature! Get away from my child; I don't know you."
That's when he was a new born. After he was older I didn't mind so much. He had a functioning immune system by then. :p

KTC
08-12-2008, 02:22 PM
Personally, I never made excuses for the decisions I made concerning my children. If I didn't want somebody near my kids, I told them. It's a parent's choice...like it or not. My first concern was always with my children, not with hurt feelings.

EriRae
08-12-2008, 02:24 PM
I've excommunicated closer relatives for less. No, I'm kidding. I usually just mark them as crazy and move on.

That said, I'm not above giving kids recorders and harmonicas for birthdays and christmas. They're noisier and they never run out of batteries.

Reposting for truth.

Totally second the recorders and harmonicas. Why not start with a whistling pacifier?

Clair Dickson
08-12-2008, 05:24 PM
Here's a little humor for you-- My track recrod with new nieces and nephews includes holding them in the hospital, at which point, they begin to cry. It's not like I don't know how to hold them, but some how when a infant first encounters me, it makes them cry. After that initial event, they're okay. But I'm still labled "Auntie Cry". =D

Your cousin still has a lot of growing up to do. And I hope she doesn't get tired of the baby when it's no longer as good at getting nice attention. Hopefully she'll grow up before the baby stops being a novelty at family functions. If not, I suggest you head for the hills and be proud of who you are (which so far sounds like you're not a brat.) This is 2008, only you can decide if not being part of the Mommy Club is something that you should feel bad about. (No knocks againt moms, and I don't think anyone should be crticized for that highly personal choice.)

Jersey Chick
08-12-2008, 07:22 PM
Both of my kids did that to my SIL (brother's wife), then when their daughter was born, she did it every time my husband held her. She was almost 2 before she'd come anywhere near Jersey Guy. It was pretty funny.

Mela
08-12-2008, 07:46 PM
Does your cousin have a history of weirdness toward you? Or perhaps it's her post-pregnancy hormonal fluctuation (I only half joke there).

It's tough being singled out when it seems everyone else got a chance to hold the baby but it seems your cousin is loopy. Standing versus sitting rule? Poking in tummy problem? Get your hands off, we're going for a walk?
Yeah, from my POV: there's more going on there than what you did prior to her giving birth. Leave her to recover from her loopiness.

eveningstar
08-12-2008, 07:53 PM
They sound obnoxious, really, regardless of their reasoning. The idea that someone without kids is less capable of holding a baby than anyone with kids is absurd. It's not like babies are some alien life form that you only come in contact with if you have your own.


But I understand how it hurt your feelings. She probably does have a "female superiority" complex now that she has a child and you don't. Some women who have children think they are "better women" than those of us who don't.


Yes, this. I don't come across it terribly often, thankfully, but it definitely happens and it's definitely hurtful.

threedogpeople
08-12-2008, 08:59 PM
Don't take it too seriously, sounds like your cousin has an obsessive issue with 'bad things that can happen to her kid'.

=============

If I let the wicked part of my mind take over for awhile.....

Just wait until you have your own child, then don't let her or the boyfriend hold her/him. If she asks just say, "Oh, you have bad energy, you were totally negative when your baby was little. I don't want my child exposed to your negativity." Then walk off.

===========

Life is too short to worry about holding someone's kid. Think about it, do you really want to if she's such a neurotic obsessive mother? God forbid that something happen while you are holding it, she'd probably file child abuse charges and sue you for damaging the kid for life.

I think I'd let that one go.

Judy