Making too much of it?

True North · Aug 10, 2008

We had a family reunion today and my cousin who had a baby this spring came of course. I asked when we first arrived if i could hold her son and she said "we kind of have this sitting to hold him rule".

That's fine, bit paranoid, but whatever, your kid. Until I saw my sister holding him while standing. So i went and said "what happened to the sitting rule?", she responded: "she has her own kid, you don't".

I said that I'm quite capable of holding a child, just because
I don't have one, doesn't mean I can't hold a baby while standing up. I've done it numerous times. She responded that because I accidentally poked her too hard when she was pregnant (trying to get the baby to move) and "you hurt me and my baby", how could she trust me not to hurt him now? and her boyfriend piped up and said "do you have your own child? no, there you go"

Then, later on, I saw her brother who doesn't have a kid, holding him standing up too.

I didn't bother to say anything, but I was really hurt by it. I almost feel like since I'm the only woman in the family without a kid that I'm not as much of a woman as the rest of then, like they all are in a club that I'm not part of and that just kind of made it hit home more.

My mom talked to her and she said that she was joking, but her tone and the fact that she wouldn't let me made it clear that she wasn't.

I asked my grandma at one point if i could hold him, she let me, so I got him from her arms, and walked back over to my chair. My cousin got up from her chair as if she were going to take him because I was OMG standing while holding him for a moment. She said "you stealing my baby?" I said that I asked and she let it go for a sec, then came and got him and said "we're going for a walk" and took him.

Am I making too much of the situation by being hurt? I know he's her kid and her rules, but she's two years younger than me and I am just as capable of holding a baby as she is. She did not miraculously get to be SuperMom just because she had a kid and I don't.

Williebee · Aug 10, 2008

Don't worry about it. (Trust me, there is no win, and it isn't worth it anyway.) New Moms are weird. (new Dads too, btw.)

On the upside? When the day comes and she asks you to babysit? Just say no.

Welcome to AW, btw.

A. Hamilton · Aug 10, 2008

listen to Williebee, he's right-on on this one.

True North · Aug 10, 2008

I'm trying to, but it's hard.

She won't ever ask me to babysit. She has his mom, her mom, our grandma, her friends...all of them would have to be not busy for her to ask me.

JoNightshade · Aug 10, 2008

Your cousin's an idiot. Probably a jerk, too. What can you do? Not much.

RLB · Aug 10, 2008

I happen to have the exact opposite problem. Whenever I have a friend/relative/acquaintance with a new kid, they always just shove him in my arms without even asking if I want to hold him- not that I'd say no, but still. Now I like babies (though not, I confess, indiscriminately; I'm mostly partial to the children of people I'm super-close with) and I know the parents are excited about the kid and all, but not everyone wants to hold your baby! So I just sit there, smiling, wondering how long I have to hold the baby before I can give her back without causing offense.

But yeah, Willibee has it nailed. New parents are weird. The mostly loosen up with the next one though.

And if it makes you feel better, whenever I have a kid, I'll let you hold it. Standing up even.

Jersey Chick · Aug 10, 2008

Some new parents are weird. Not all. I wasn't. I used to laugh at my brother because when my daughter was a newborn, he held her as if she was made out of china. I have pictures of him where I'm surprised she isn't purple because he's squashing her so tight.

I thin your cousin is one of the weird ones. She might get over it, but maybe not, so try not to let it get to you. You probably won't be able to change it, but like people have said, she might loosen up with the next one (We used to throw my son at people.

)

i'm kidding. i never threw my son at anyone. no matter how tempting it was....

MaryMumsy · Aug 10, 2008

Your cousin is a jerk, and so is her boyfriend. Don't let it get to you. I'm one of the ones who always gets a kid thrust at her, and believe me I DON'T want to hold the kid. And it doesn't matter whose kid it is.

MM

Mandy-Jane · Aug 10, 2008

I agree that your cousin and her boyfriend are totally wrong. I would be upset by it too, if it happened to me. That's just the silliest thing I've ever heard! I'd try to forget it though, if you can.

I'd let you hold my baby if I was there. (But then again, my baby's 4, so not really a baby anymore, but you know what I mean.......)

chevbrock · Aug 11, 2008

Your cousin is obviously hyper-sensitive, overly hysterical, and just plain wierd. Leave her and her boyfriend in their insane little world where they belong.

For one: For you to hurt a baby in utero, you would need to do a darn sight more than just poke it! The big, watery sac its in is the perfect environment in almost every way.

For two: She's just stupid, hyper-sensitive, overly hysterical and just plain wierd.

For three: Whether or not you have children should not indicate your worth. I have two kids and I love them dearly, but they are bloody hard work, and I would not wish one on anybody who was not ready to make that commitment. Congratulations come from me on your wisdom and forethought, even though they do not seem to be coming from your family.

chevbrock · Aug 11, 2008

Oh, and another thing:

Boyfriend said, "You've never had a baby before" or some such crap.

Um, either has he.

Beach Bunny · Aug 11, 2008

Your cousin and her hubby are being jerks. It hurts when family act that way. Trying to dismiss or deny your feelings about the situation doesn't really work (I know because I have tried.) So, feel what you feel about it, for as long as you need to feel that way, then drop it.

Ya know, you can always get even with her by purchasing the kid the noisiest, most obnoxious toy you can find for the baby's birthdays and other major gift-giving holidays over the next ten years or so.

Mwahahahaha

Siddow · Aug 11, 2008

Um, are you in any way known as a 'klutz'? Prone to trip?

Did you ever break any of her stuff by dropping it?

Not to excuse her behavior, but when mine were small there were certain people who got the sit-down rule with me, too. Like one of my friends who was perpetually stoned.

KTC · Aug 11, 2008

Your cousin may be acting like a total boob...but: Her baby...her decision. I'd get over it.

nerds · Aug 11, 2008

There were a few people I wouldn't let hold my son when he was an infant, but they had a proven track record of serious physical ineptitude.

I'd let it go, it is what it is. But I sure can picture how uncomfortable the whole thing must have felt for you.

Maryn · Aug 11, 2008

I agree the new parents are being weird, but I wonder if there mightn't be a little punishment in there for the poking, trying to get the baby to move in utero. That seems like a serious violation of personal space, and the fact that you did it too hard might allow your sister to rationalize that you're going to be too rough on her baby, too.

I also agree that this isn't worth getting annoyed about. They're being weird and over-protective, and maybe spiteful, too. By their third, if they have that many, they'll let you hold it by the arm and drag it behind you, the way you did your doll.

Maryn, third child

regdog · Aug 11, 2008

I too am going to chime in on your cousin and her boyfriend are being jerks chorus.

But I understand how it hurt your feelings. She probably does have a "female superiority" complex now that she has a child and you don't. Some women who have children think they are "better women" than those of us who don't.

Don't let it get you down. I'm sure you have family and friends who either have or will have children and know you can be trusted.

regdog · Aug 11, 2008

Maryn said:
By their third, if they have that many, they'll let you hold it by the arm and drag it behind you, the way you did your doll.

Maryn, third child

Didn't Erma Bombeck say something along the lines of the first kid is handled with kid gloves and the third is sitting on the floor eating out of the dog's bowl.

Shadow_Ferret · Aug 11, 2008

Before I had kids I wanted nothing to do with them. "Don't you want to hold it?" Hell no! Those things stink, they squirm, they throw up. No thank you. (And really, yours is kinda ugly.)

Then I had my own and you know what? I was right.

And if you had asked to hold mine, I'd have tossed it to you quickly so I wouldn't have to hold it any more.

"Catch!"

Anyway, I join in the jerks concensus. Kids just aren't that fragile. You should have sat down with the baby, then started tossing it in the air. Kids like that. New moms freak.

HeronW · Aug 11, 2008

Cousin and BF are full of BS. Obviously from the Queen Lilo av, you are a loving and a spoiling type person. Let's hope Cuz & BF don't raise the child to be a putz like they are.

nerds · Aug 11, 2008

HeaGrg said:
Didn't Erma Bombeck say something along the lines of the first kid is handled with kid gloves and the third is sitting on the floor eating out of the dog's bowl.

Yes! God I miss Erma.

I was the last child of well, seven originally but mostly six, and NOBODY worried about what I was doing. There's no chance to bother, with so many kids. I did try the dogs' dry food from their dish once. Just to see how it was, ya know?

I also tried the silage in the barn silo. That wasn't bad at all. Lots of fiber there.

True North · Aug 11, 2008

Siddow said:
Um, are you in any way known as a 'klutz'? Prone to trip?

Did you ever break any of her stuff by dropping it?

Not to excuse her behavior, but when mine were small there were certain people who got the sit-down rule with me, too. Like one of my friends who was perpetually stoned.

I can be a klutz, but not when I am holding a child. I am careful and concious and perfectly capable. She should know this because of the number of babies that I have held, babysat and taken care of - including her nephew who I lived with and took care of just as much as the mother did!

Thanks everyone for the vote of confidence.

stormie · Aug 11, 2008

Before I had children, and I asked to hold a relative's baby, I was told by her that I knew nothing about kids. I immediately told her that that hurt my feelings. This relative was nice enough--and empathetic enough--to apologize. And she let me hold the baby.

As for your cousin and her boyfriend--uh-uh. Not nice. Not even close. If you can, stay away from them. Period. They're not even being quirky like new parents can be. They're being downright rude.

Sorry that happened to you!

cray · Aug 11, 2008

your cousin (and boyfriend) is a jerk.

i'd totally get pregnant and not tell them. then when they find out you should deny it.

and then when the baby comes and they see you holding the baby, be like, "what baby?"

and then, of course, when it comes time that you admit that you're holding a baby, tell them that you're not sure if you are the mother yet so you know, they can't hold the baby.

new parents are weird. they may well snap out of it and apologize at some point. although, someone said it above, you don’t touch a pregnant person unless they grab your hand and actually force you to touch their bump.

forget about it and move on.
peace.

Kitrianna · Aug 11, 2008

I have to admit that I didn't mind when people touched my belly trying to feel my kids kick, mainly because they were not the on demand type of kids. Hand on belly, they went quiet...break for mama and her aching back and stomach.

I also have to assume that I was not a weird parent. The only person who had the sit down rule with my eldest was my sister in-law and it was because she was 9 when my princess was born.

Your cousin and her boyfriend are just weird, but to me it borders on being cruel. The idea that she couldn't even be honest about her reasoning with your mom makes it even worse. But I say, live and let live and by the baby the most obnoxious toy for it's birthday. My vote goes to Country Elmo. Let's see how mean she can be after listening to Elmo sing "On the Road Again" for 3 hours straight. Oh and make sure little one has a good supply of batteries. Heaven forbid if the toy died due to lack of power

Making too much of it?

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